Is my husband some kind of sexual deviant, or is this normal behavior for all men?
I‘m already dealing with a narcissist husband, but now I‘m really getting concerned about whether his behavior is "normal" male behavior or if there is something really wrong with him mentally. Here are the things I‘m concerned with:
He seems to have an obsession women wearing leather high heel boots. He seems to spend every minute he can "sneaking" onto the internet to watch porn, almost always involving women in thigh high boots & leather and dressed like dominatrix‘s. He gets on Craigslist and searches out people selling thigh high boots and asks them for photos. He‘s texted photos back and forth of boots with other people.
When we were still dating, (before I knew about all this) he bought me a pair of boots. I wasn‘t into that kind of thing, but I wore them anyway. All the sudden, everytime I did, he was so "lovey dovey" and almost worshipped me for days afterwards. I kind of liked the attention and it didn‘t seem all that bad at first, even though what I really wanted was romantic, sweet, loving sex. After we got married and I moved in, that‘s when I started finding out that this wasn‘t just a funny little thing he seemed to like.
Things got weird. I let him take a few photos, not naked, but not the kind of thing you don't want anyone else to see. I made him promise that he would never show anyone else. A year later, I walked into my office where he‘d been using the computer. He forgot to sign-out of his Flickr account and what did I see? A photo of me that he said he‘d never show anyone, with all kinds of sick comments from other men. According to all the comments, apparently my husband has some secret desire to watch me with another man, yet he is the most jealous person I have ever met. I did some searching on the computer and found that he‘d been exchanging all the photos of me with several other people over Yahoo messenger. When I told him I saw the photos on Flickr, he promised to delete them and acted like he did nothing wrong. They‘re still there and just recently I found out that my photo is posted in RateMyWifey.com too. (Some sick site where men share photos of their wives for other men to comment on)
He also wanted me to wear one of the boots & leather outfits in public. I did it once, before we were married, I thought it was more of a joke than anything. But he was obsessed with me doing it again and kept bringing it up for a couple years afterwards. He doesn‘t anymore, but I‘ve since told him that I want NOTHING to do with any of that. It creeps me out after everything I‘ve seen.
I‘ve caught him on collarme.com, a BDSM dating type of website. He said he was just "screwing around" on there one day and he doesn‘t go there anymore. I know for a fact that he still has an active profile and he's on it several times a month. He‘s tried to meet with women on there. As far as I can tell, the worse he‘s done is had a girl dress in boots in a public place and then gone to just to see her but never talked to her. He‘s offered to buy them boots though. I don't know if he actually has.
I caught him calling sex chat lines. He said he only called a few times and it was just ‘funny‘. I see the bill, it was more than a few times. For years now, I‘ve seen all kinds of weird numbers on our bill from his phone. Whenever I Google the numbers, they‘re linked to either Craigslist listings for boots, or for shoe repair shops, or for online retailers of thigh high boots. I think this is more than a sick obsession. I have no desire to have sex with him anymore. From what a friend of his said, this is the same scenario that happened with his ex-wife. He got weird, she no longer wanted sex. He left her. Now he‘s complaining all the time that we don‘t have sex very often. How can I??? I‘ve tried to explain this to him, that it‘s just weird and creeps me out and his narcissistic side comes out and he tries to make it like I‘m the weird one, with no labido, or that I don‘t love him (I should feel sorry for him), etc. I know we need counseling of some sort, but he is a classic narcissist, "nothing is ever his fault" so I don‘t see it doing any good. I am kind of stuck here, I can‘t afford to divorce him, I can‘t afford to raise my daughter on my own. I try to keep things as normal as possible for her sake. Am I in danger here? Or just stuck in crappy situation? Would it be this way with ANY man? This just doesn't seem right. Especially that he doesn't seem to care that he keeps getting caught.
I feel when you are in any relationship. you need to first be faithful in all areas. your husband isn't being faithful to you by going behind your back. If it was me. I would set down with my husband and talk to him. put it all out on the table and see if you two can meet in the middle. he needs to come clean with all he has done and you need to tell him all you know and how this is making you feel. you say that he will not say he is wrong, well he will have to if it was me he was dealing with. stand your ground girl. you have all right to feel the way you do. Sweetie just remember you only live one life and you have to be happy with the person you are with and you never stay in a relationship for the children. this may seem harsh but it is the truth. I wish you all the best and only hope you two can work this out.
another thing. if he is so turned on by these boots wear them for him in the bedroom. just no pictures. and I would get back my pictures he has since he is sharing them with the world. the only way I would have it is if i stood behind him as he deleted them for every web site he posted them on. that to me would be a must. let him know you don't trust him. good luck sweetie
You know that is REALLY ironic. I was looking at boots online and sent my boyfriend a link to a pair that I really liked, that were knee high and high heeled. He then said he hated shoes like that because of the way some men view women wearing them.
So NO, it's not normal.
I know this is going to sound meaner than it is but ohsohappy given your current problems yourself I think your answer may be a little biased...
There is nothing wrong with leather boots, and yes to some people is IS normal.
Fetishes are normal. It is his obsession with it that has become a concern. He needs counseling to understand that not only did he break your trust, but he put your safety at risk.
You can do your best to get the pictures taken of the websites, but you will never be able to get them all off the Internet or back from those he exchanged pictures with. That is something you will have to decide if you can handle. Counseling could help you with that decision.
If you like wearing leather, then by all means have fun. But do it because you want to. If you do it just to get his attention and to get him to do what you want him to do, you will begin to resent it and that won't help matters.
I really think counseling to help work out the issues and to keep both of you from getting upset or defensive while discussing the issues and resolving them would be best.
I agree...you can find the owners of the websites, or the admins to it, explain to them which pictures are in question, give them links to them, specify those pictures are posted without YOUR expressed permission. Being they are personal in nature most likely they will pull them. But like was mentioned...that only works on the ones you can find. The rest there is nothing you can do about.
My BF has an affinity for stockings. He thinks they're really attractive. But he doesn't ask me to wear them for him or go looking for pictures of women wearing them, or anything else that you've described. So it's fine that he thinks the boots are hot, Boots ARE hot, but when' he's creepin around about it and acting all suspicious, that's when there's an issue. There's a difference between a healthy fetish, and an extreme obsession.
Try to compromise with him, if you feel like you can.And lay down a few rules. Don't let him disregard your feelings, just try to be tactful about it.
There is a problem with ANY fetish if it controls the way you act. His fetish does not give him the right to force it on you! If he loves you he would respect your boundaries. It is NOT normal for a man to treat you like crap, and sneak around and lie!!! What a shame you have to even ask.
You can't leave him because you can't afford to? That's pretty insulting! I have a wife who told me the same thing, because I am apparently too normal. She only stays with me "because of our jobs and finances". That was the last straw. At least you didn't say it to his face, and are trying (too hard) to be something you can never be.
Take heart. There are decent men, who don't hang their weaknesses on their wives, and who would give their right arm (and a lot of respect) to a woman with your devtion. I don't know about you, but I will lose my self respect if I don't get away from her. Find someone like me and hit the bricks.
Linear Mode
