My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 1 year. I love him very much and generally I think we have a great relationship, however, I often feel like it is difficult to connect with him sexually. As with most couples, we had lots of sex in the beginning but soon I found that I was initiating sex most of the time (say 80% of the time). When I initiate sex, he is always into it and he gets aroused very quickly (under a minute). He is very good at pleasing me orally and I return the favour, however, he never says anything during sex and he rarely initiates sex. We normally both orgasm during sex.

I long for him to talk dirty to me or make me feel sexy in some way (he's not generally affectionate when we're not having sex either). Sometimes I wonder if he's imagining having sex with someone else while we're doing it. I have tried to spice things up and get him to open up by talking dirty, bringing out porn, a camera, etc. but am generally left feeling kind of silly when he's not really into it.

At one point I got so frustrated I just didn't initiate sex and we ended up not doing it for a month (he initiated it in the end). Now I'd say we'd be doing pretty well if we did it once a week. I find it difficult to be intimate with him when he gives me very little indication that he's attracted to me so I often just masturbate rather than initiating sex. I have asked him before to be more affectionate/loving but it hasn't changed anything. I have asked him if he masturbates regularly and he won't really answer the question (I assume he does and have no problem with that, I just wish he'd feel comfortable enough with me to be open with me). I've told him that I masturbate.

I am wondering if I'm over-reacting and this is normal or if this is a real issue? He also always wants to shower before and after sex which I find annoying. My husband works really hard and has a stressful job (considerable overtime, traveling, managing people, many people are being laid-off at his work, etc.) and he has complained of feeling anxious and stressed. I also work considerable overtime and we're trying to renovate our house ourselves so basically it feels like we never have any free time together, so perhaps he is just generally too tired?