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Husband masturbation
Asked Apr 16, 2012, 10:19 AM
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34 Answers I've decided to write this as I'm sure there must be others out there who feel the same hurt and upset that I do: I'm 32 year old and totally and utterly in love with my husband. We've only been married for 1 year.. I know he loves me too, but I have realised over the years with any partner that I have had, that men don't seem to have the same level of exclusive love for their partners. What I mean by this is that I have no interest in other men, at all! When I am happy with a partner, I literally only have eyes for him. Ok, I can see a good looking man and admire his beauty, but I do the same with women also. I don't have an urge to have sex with that man, or fantasise about him all day. I certainly don't ma over the memory of seeing him or picture him naked! However, what I have discovered about men has hurt me very much in the past. For example, my ex partner used to ma to porn videos and magazines ALL the time. He became so bad that he could not have phyical sex with me, or if he could, he couldn't climax, because I was not the porn star that he was used to fantasizing about. He actually got to a stage where he did not want sex with me. He preferred his own hand unfortunately. & when we did have sex, even in the early days of our relationship, he always did it with his eyes closed & with very little emotion/romance towards me. He would concentrate on an image/fantasy. I know this, because I did get him to talk to me about it when I was still in love with me, because it hurt me so much at the time. That man has a lot to answer for in my eyes, because I believe that he has made me have pretty low self esteem and paranoia about stuff like this. I was with him for 10 years, from being 18 to 28. I am very attractive, intelligent, had a perfect body with DD size chest (sorry I’m not meaning to sound big headed here) Therefore, I was very attractive to look at, and often men would comment on me and try to chat me up (but as I was in love with my ex, I had no interest in any other man). His friends even told him that they masturbate over  fantasies about me! I found this disgusting, as I was best friends with their girlfriends. I had a child to this man too, and it was after I had my son, that I realised that I did not want the sexless life/lack of intimacy/lack of romance that this man offered. I ended the relationship when my son was just 2 years old. It was a very difficult decision to make and it devastated my ex. & guess what, all of a sudden (when he realised I had had enough and that he was losing me [well, he’d actually lost me]) he started to come on to me. By this stage, I had fallen out of love with him and therefore could not bring myself to have sex with him. Although I see this as being his fault, (he had plenty of opportunities to change his ways but he was just addicted to porn) Let me give you one example. This is something that happened quite often: I would come on to him in bed. He would refuse most of the time, but now & again he would feel that its part of his ‘duty’ to me and would give in.. He would take ages to getan erection. He would then turn me over & we’d start having sex. I’d Orgasm  after about 10/15 minutes. After about another 10/15 minutes he would get a bit angry & say something like ‘I can’t concentrate’ ‘I can’t come’. He’d then give up. The next morning, either before I have got up or after I have left for work, he would get his porn vids out & masturbate! Men, this is not normal and it is destructive to a loving relationship. If you love your partner, don’t do this! Now almost 5 years later I am married to an amazing man. But unfortunately we have had problems of a similar nature in the past. In fact, the problems I had with my husband were worse than with my ex. Early in the relationship, he had looked at a bit of porn, looked up a few topless models etc on the internet. Nothing too concerning, and once I let him know that I don’t like that kind of thing, he agreed to stop, and to be fair to him he did stop. My problem with this kind of stuff is that men are looking at this stuff to enable them to masturbate to it. My thoughts on this are that he did not need to do this to himself, as I was readily available for sex anytime he wanted it. I have never turned him down, because I love being intimate with him. However, My husband overstepped the mark (he was my boyfriend at the time) – he bumped into a girl that he had had a one night stand with before we met, when we were about 1 year into our relationship. They texted each other for about 8 months on & off, and I discovered that some of the texts were explicit and they had both masturbate to them. I didn’t discover this until we had been married for 5 months, and by then it had been over for almost a year. (we moved very quickly in our relationship – we moved in together after 4 months, got engaged after 1 year and got married after 2 years of being together [which means that he was texting her during the year that we were planning our wedding]).  Whilst this was going on, I knew something was wrong. He often turned me down for sex, couldn’t get or hold an erection and was very restless during his sleep. However, I had no idea exactly what was going on. I just assumed that he had been masturbate more (which hurt me to think of anyway). What he did hurt me VERY much. So much that I had a miscarriage (I had just found out that I was pregnant when I discovered what had gone on.). I felt extremely betrayed an hurt, especially because my husband knew what my ex had put me through. I took some comfort in the fact that he had not met up with this girl during their texts. She seemed more keen than him, and he could have taken it further if he really wanted to. But fortunately, he did not cross that barrier. He was also distraught when I found out. He was ashamed, would never do it again, would make everything perfect etc etc. I chose to give him another chance, because I really do love him so much. & he is different to my ex in that he is very affectionate in love making and on a normal day to day basis. He is definitely with ‘me’ when we are making love. However, what he did has scarred me unfortunately and now I am paranoid & quite controlling towards him. I have asked him not to be unfaithful to me ever again, and not to masturbate.  The reason I have asked him not to masturbate is because I am not daft – I know that when men do it they do not do it to fantasies of their wives. They do it to porn, lads mags, memories of other women or fantasies about someone they find sexy. I truly believe that if a man who is in a committed & loving relationship to someone who does not turn them down for sex, he should not masturbate. I think that if he does it he is de-sensitising himself for the real thing. He is also taking away his drive for the real thing. For example, if he has masturbated earlier that day to the fantasy of a perfect woman, he is probably not going to want to make love to his wife later on that evening. This is taking away the intimacy and love between the couple. It is also very hurtful for the woman to be in this situation. Trust me! On the other hand – if a man is with a woman who does not have any interest in sex, then I can TOTALLY understand why he would take care of himself.  This poor man might even do it to fantasies about his wife! When I was at my lowest, I was looking for help and advice on the net and I found lots of discussions where women have been in a similar position that I was in with my ex. Where the women were constantly turned down for sex by their partner, only to discover that he was masturbating to porn instead. So, I’ve asked my husband not to do it anymore, and he has said that he won’t. I have to trust him now, and there is no way that I can know whether or not he still masturbates. He knows that I will have sex with him anytime he wants it. We do have a great sex life – I dress up for him, have anal now & again, love giving him Oral. I have given him some suggestions to help him in trying to steer clear of the urge to masturbate. I can understand how a man might feel the urge if he stares at a sexy pic of a naked model or scantily clad woman walking down the street. Therefore, I have suggested he doesn’t look at her in that way. I suggest simply noticing that the woman is attractive, and then move on with your daily business. That way, you won’t give in to the urge to Orgasm. Also, if he saves up his urges until he gets home to me, and then releases all of the energy that has built up into making love to me, then it will make our sex life even better. One last thing I have said to him is that he be 100% in the moment when making love to me, so that he is looking at me & my body when he climaxes – that way he is programming his brain to associate me & my body with the amazing feeling of orgasm. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it is too much to ask? I think that it is the recipe for a loving, devoted, respectfully and faithful relationship. I’d love to hear from women who feel the same way that I do about masturbation during relationships. I’d love to hear from men too. What are your thoughts on this? Has your wife asked you not to masturbate? Have you promised your partner that you won’t masturbate and do you keep your promise? Thank you for reading. |
34 Answers
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| I'm with CravenMorhead on this...you've apparently grown up to have very repressed thoughts on things of this matter for whatever reason. I'm basing this on the women I've known throughout my life (I'm 50)....those I've dated, those I've know who talked with me...as well as my wife who is quite reserved in her manner, but not her thoughts. Me personally I'd have major issues if someone told me what I could think, or dream....and a fantasy is nothing more than a dream while you are awake. Anyone who gets upset because I may look at or like someone else or have a passing thought...even if I don't actually know them...really has the issues that need dealing with. Here is why I say that....have you ever gone shopping and looked at something you couldn't afford to buy, or was really not practical for you? We all have....you can appreciate those items, how they look, without it changing how you feel about the stuff you do have. You like them enough to pick them out in the first place..didn't you? Its also called imagination....if you for whatever reason have to be so hyperfocused on what you have now....you are completely shutting out everything out. That is like saying you can't watch another tv show but the ONE......you can't read another magazine but that ONE....You can't do this...you can't do that....adn the next thing you end up like some people that HAS to marry who their parents tell them....they can only do what their husband tells them they can do...they can only go where they are told they can go....and if you mention something that deviates from what you are told you are allowed to believe then you get beaten.....you are forced to wear clothing you don't want to wear, some of which might cover your entire body face included because some insecure male thinks someone might actually look at you...... ..... see where I'm going with this? I'm just extending and focusing the idea of one person controlling what another can do, see , think, wear...etc..... I'll leave it at that so nobody thinks it turns political...which is not my intent... True love isn't conditional. It also isn't an obsession. I've been married for 20 years....not once in that time has my wife attempted to control what I fantasize about....nor have I done that to her...and trust me....if I told you what each of ours are....it might result in a complete state of shock for you. Because it is so totally opposite of how you see these things. You can be completely in love with someone without being completely obsessed at the same time. Its common for a 14 year old with their first obsession....I say obsession because they don't understand what love is at that age....they get hurt if the other person even looks at another person because they feel they should be the entire center of the universe to the other person....the problem is most people find that terribly suffocating like it sucks all the oxygen out of the room. He may be trying to humor you now and make it look like he agrees...but I can guarantee you he's not at all happy about it....and if you have to put up with something like that long enough its going to boil over....and then he walks out...cheats....or just emotionally shuts down, maybe all three. We all vary with our ability to tollerate things....and I've walked away from several women over more petty things. I believe you do love him...I do believe he loves you....however this is obsessive and destructive to the relationship even if its not obvious yet. As has been mentioned....it only makes him be secretive about it...no adult likes to be told what they can and can't do or think by another. The more you push...the more it makes them want to push back. Example....he likes to eat a slice of Pecan pie every so often......you start forbiding him to eat pecan pie ever...and hound him about it.....it makes him want to eat pecan pie far more often than he normally would have. And even crave it regularly. | ||||
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| Thanks smoothy.. Very much appreciate your replies here. I'm so up and down with this it's unreal. I do want to chill our and relax about the whole thing but I dont know how? How do I change my attitude towards the whole thing? Even now, thinking about him getting off to other women is upsetting me. I definitely don't want to make him crave this stuff even more than he might already! Ive read lots of self help books about overcoming jealousy & unfaithfullness in the last year, and although it helps a bit while I'm reading it, I soon fall back to my old self! I don't want to be like that with him at all! I want to make him happy. Reading everyone's comments here is helping right now but I'm afraid that when these chats stop I will be back to my old obsessive self. Can you suggest how I might overcome this? I could do with hearing from a woman who has had issues like this in her past but has managed to overcome them. | ||||
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My husband is the only person who has ever turned me on. I have tried fantasizing about other people but they all turn into him or aspects of him. I accept that and use erotica (including porn) for ideas to fill out fantasies I share with my husband. He uses erotica, too. The videos, pictures, stories, etc. may give ideas, but it is memories of us and our reactions to each other that take control. I look at it like role-playing. Just because you put on a costume doesn't mean you become a different person. You are just having fun with an adult version of 'let's pretend'. Erotica is the same thing for the imagination. Just because he is looking at one thing doesn't mean that he isn't thinking about and responding to thoughts of you. As for masturbating in the morning and not wanting sex at in the evening, there may be a lot of factors between the two events. They may not be related. He could need more time to be 'ready' for sex again. But it could be that he is tired, stressed, feeling pressured to have sex and take care of someone else's needs when he isn't wanting sex, too hot, too distracted, hungry, sleepy, and the list continues. Masturbation is healthy for both of you. It is about knowing your own bodies. Working through thoughts and fantasies to know what turns you on and what you want to share with your each other. Things you might want to try or things that you know would be a huge turn-off. For both of you, it can be stress relief. For women, it can be pampering ourselves and time to let the entire world go. No expectations on us. No one telling us what to do and how. It can be as fast or slow as we want. It can be the first step of getting aroused for an entire night of fun with our partners. Think of this, he cuddles up to you and shows you affection and intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual. He is with you because he wants to be. You love each other and that is a bond that only the two of you share. Believe in that bond, the love and trust it is made of, and him. Believe in yourself and trust that you are what he ultimately wants in his heart, arms, home and bed. Having confidence in yourself and the relationship will help you build a barrier against the insecurities. If you think it will help, talk to him again about Marriage counseling. Let him know it about learning how to communicate and compromise. It isn't only about the past but wanting to get tools to build an even better future. We aren't going anywhere and you aren't limited to a certain number of visits. If it helps to talk out your thoughts and get feedback from others, all you have to do is keep adding to this thread even if it is weeks or months (or years) from now. There might be different people, but that just gives you more advice to ponder and possibly try. If it helps, you can have your husband read the thread. It might give you a starting point for communicating as a couple about this issue. | ||||
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| There will be some other women answer....have patience, there are a number that do frequent this board...you likely will have other females perspective, maybe even one that has had similar feelings they overcame. Its going to take time and willpower....but I am confident if you really want to overcome this, you will. First and foremost, you have to understand GUYS aren't wired to think the same way women do. We men are wired to be very visual...its genetic, seriously, it is...its also why we tend to be so easy to please. Also...remember, this isn't an either /or situation. As long as you take reasonible care of yourself (meaning you know what a shower or a bath is and you don't live in the same pair of sweatpants for days or weeks at a time)...its not about how you look either... You could look BETTER than Cindy Crawford or Christy Brinkly at their prime....we will still look. Looking is not cheating....thinking is not cheating....spanking the monkey is not cheating.....banging the woman down the street, or from the office, or from anywhere IS cheating. Something that might help is imagine someone telling YOU that you have to do something you don't want to do....pick something....whatever works for you....and put the shoe on the other foot...anytime you feel the urge to backslide, remember that situation....remember how you felt. That way its something less abstract..and something more real to you. Don't expect it to happen overnight...its going to take time and its likely to be gradual. But it you keep at it, eventually you will get the results you need. Its a bad habit..and bad habits can be broken. Also...try to remember it would be far different if the nude pictures or videos were someone down the street or that you knew.....these are actually people he doesn't know, and never will know....or bump into. You have to frame this as something that will clearly resonate with you that there is no threat to you or your marriage. Its NOT the neighbor woman emailing him nude photes...That would actually be a reasonable thing to get upset over....because there really might be a risk of an escalation. That risk doesn't exist with 99.9999% of porn, and polishing the brass firepole isn't a threat either in this case....as he's not doing it multiple times a day....or even once a day. And trust me.....sometimes you just need a quick release...and also trust me...if he used you for just that purpose..you are going ot start feeling bad and used....and if he's got to take all the time to schmooze you and all the other stuff to get you going..and make sure you get your satisfaction....then its not a quicky to release stress any longer. Additionally.....If you are a stay at home mom..and he's away for 8-10 hours or more at a time...take some me time and diddle yourself in the middle of the day. Not every day...but from time to time...I think that alone will teach you that its not a betrayal. | ||||
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| Thanks cat and smoothy.. They were great replies and you have both given menlots to think about and I'll try what you have both suggested. One thing I need to add smoothy is that unfortunately my husband was texting explicit texts and pictures to someone he had a 1 night stand with before we met! He bumped into her on a night out after we had been together a year. I mentioned this in my first post but I don't want to dwell on this as I find it very upsetting to think about. I also know that he 'bumped' into her a couple of times on nights out throughout the 8 months that they texted each other :-( He doesn't know why he did it, which is maybe why I feel like this so much now. I really wasn't like this back then and we were so happy together! He proposed to me after texting with her for 3-4 months and continued for a further 4-5 months!! But I don't want to dwell on that or punish him any more for it. I think his punishment is seeing how much he upset me when I found out. I really was a mess & felt that our relationship was fake.' I don't feel like that now tho, I jus feel jealous. Nope I'm not a stay at home mum. Believe it or not Ive got a very professional career and earn more than my hubby. He works full time though and is an amazing step dad to my 6 year old. And, we are pregnant again :-) I just hope I don't get worse with my hormones!! | ||||
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| Ancient Chinese proverb...".a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Take things one day at a time...and they won't seem as insurmountable. Its easy to be overwelmed by what seems like a huge task expecting to take it on all in one shot. Cold turkey might work for some people...while others have to gradually work towards their goal. If you can see small improvements yourself, its easier to stay motivated to continue. If you see something as an all or nothing thing..its easy to become demoralized when you can't see change overnight. | ||||
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| To: thegoodwife I totally now where you are coming from I was married for 15 years to my ex who rather have sex with his hand then me!!! For years I felt it was my fault that he didn't love me that he didn't think I was sexy. I ended the marriage when I cheated with another man. I knew once I crossed that line my marriage was over but my marriage was over way before I cheated. Your right in the fact that men are able to replace us (living breathing, flesh and blood women) for porn stars and whatever else they get there jollys off of. I have since gotten remarried and I have an amazing sex life with this man an I am completly happy  | ||||
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Heaven forbid you actually dissect your failed marriage and figure out exactly what was going on. | ||||
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| Hi skinnydippin. Thanks for your reply. It's really sad that your ex was like that. And despite what craven has said, if the reason your marriage broke down was because he preferred to masturbate rather than get intimate with his wife then the breakdown was his fault! Craven, just because you watch porn/masturbate and manage to keep your sex life in order with your partner, does not mean that that applies to all men. Some men definitely PREFER the easy option of a quick 5 minutes with their own hand in front of porn, rather than the effort and intimacy involved in making love to their partner. I personally think it's sad and depressing, especially for the partner. Sex is very important in a relationship and once the man starts the slippery slope to preferring the easy option of taking care of himself, then the relationship is pretty mug doomed in my eyes. Without sex between couple, you are no more than just close friends or housemates. I'm still trying to relax about it all. Since I last posted, I know my hubby has masturbated and the he didn't want sex that night! However, I chose to bite my Tongue and not get upset over it. By doing that I prevented an argument and we made love the next morning (instigated by me). I could tell my husband was making an effort here too, as usually he would jokingly stop me and say he doesn't have time b4 work. I'm going to try and stay relaxed (ish) about it but I know I may find this more difficult in the future when I'm no feeling so strong. I also tried what one of you guys suggested. I brought some porn up our computer when I had the afternoon to myself. I didn't masturbate, I just watched a couple of different clips. It made me feel pretty deflated to be honest. I can see why men like it and why it turns men on but I just felt jealous of the thought of my husband masturbating to it :-( | ||||
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| Do you read romance novels? Even just things like Nicholas Sparks and "The Notebook"? THAT is the female equivalent of porn: Unrealistic love stories. Do you expect or hope that your husband will do some of the things that happen in those books (or movies, if you're more a movie person than a reader)? Of COURSE you do! Every woman hopes that if she gets Alzheimer's that her husband will write down their story and visit her every single day and read it to her. Every woman hopes to have a man that loves that strongly and that completely. But guess what? IT'S NOT REAL! You KNOW it's not real when you're reading it, and you can set it aside and say it was a good story and hope that your man will do some of the romantic things that happened in the book, but you don't really EXPECT it, and you're certainly not more in love (or lust!) with the hero of the book than you are with your husband. It is EXACTLY the same with men and porn! They like it, they get some ideas from it to bring into your relationship, they HOPE you'll do some of the stuff they like from it, but it doesn't diminish you if you don't. It's a quick and easy release, a little "me" time, and nothing more. Would you get upset if your husband told you that you couldn't watch chick flicks or read romance novels anymore, because you might get unrealistic ideas about romance that he can't live up to? Would you understand if he got depressed if you thought that was silly, because he felt unloved and unattractive compared to the men in your books? THAT is how you have to think of it. YOUR turn ons involve romance. HIS turn ons involve naked women. Just like you can enjoy a little romantic story that doesn't involve you at all, he can enjoy naked women that have nothing to do with him. I think you should see a counselor about your jealousy, and about your self-esteem----jealousy stems from low self-esteem. If you were completely confident in yourself, you wouldn't be jealous. | ||||
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