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My husband gets turned on by watching gay porn and he has even used gay scenarios to increase stimulation for himself when we have had sex. When I ask him if that means he is gay he says "no", that it's just something different. However, he doesn't get stimulated any other way ultimately.
Hi Luvtoshop,
This is a really difficult question to answer. Though most people choose to readily identify as heterosexual or homosexual, to some degree this does go against natural curiosity, and in some cases impluse. Humans are in fact the only animals know to exhibit strict behavior from one end of the spectrum.
It wouldn't be any more unusual for a man than a woman to at some point in his life question his sexuality, and perhaps even strongly fantasize about what such an experience might be like. Though most "straight" men, even if they weren't to repress such potential thoughts, would in many cases be quite reticent to share or express them. As well though, not everything people fantasize about would they necessarily want to live out in person.
Certainly your husband is very openminded, and if decidedly and dedicatedly heterosexual, quite comfortable in both himself and his own sexuality. And that is good. What would be of some concern to me though, is if in fact he does consistently need such fantasies to become adequately aroused. Technically, this would to border heavily on definition as a fetish, were one to frame it in a slightly different manner other than sexual orientation.
Having known many gay men, even one who was formerly married to a woman, I can tell you that most gay men, though not necessarily revulsed or aversed would likely find little thrill or enjoyment in heterosexual intimate relations. And though the fantasy may hold great power for him, I would imagine it would likely be relatively difficult for him to remain adequately aroused throughout the sexual act, if in fact he were so openly honest with himself, as his viewing habits might seem to indicate.
My best guess? He may have natural bisexual tendencies. Women may here be his dominant preference -- or he may in fact simply gratify or serve different of his needs via his fantasies, be those needs sexual or emotional/psychological, as this can often be the case with people who desire both sexes.
I wish I could give you a more succinct answer. The best I could tell you is that, if the fantasies continue to dominate your relationship, possibly at the expense of your feeling desirable as a woman, or focused upon as his chosen partner and love interest, seek the highly qualified advice of a marriage counselor. He's doing neither one of you a great service if he is in fact hiding the greater part of his attractions.
Best of luck. Take care.
I will have to say "who knows" many men refuse to admit or accept any homosexual feelings since they want to be a "real man" they have many terms for it, in some this refusal is called being on the "down low" when they do have homosexual sex but refuse to admit it and still refuse to say they are homosexual.
but then various people have different sexual desires, some like to dress up in costumes and more.
I agree with both posters above. I guess one question is, is this becoming a problem for you in your marriage? The other is, what does your gut tell you?
If this is becoming a problem in your marriage, and your gut instinct is that he may be a man who is struggling with homosexuality, I would take Thomas's advice and seek a marriage counselor. You both need help from an objective third party to understand what exactly is happening here, if it is something that you can work with to strengthen your marriage or, if there is something deeper to your husband's desires that needs to be addressed. Good luck honey.
I've always thought that sexuality is something that needs to be defined in two different ways. First in the physical sense, then in the emotional sense. These are very different aspects, although for many people, the two are closely related.
The physical sense has an obvious definition: What gender(s) does an individual find sexually attractive?
The emotional sense is a bit more abstract, in that emotions are based more on the individual than on a single aspect of that individual. However, we are more likely to form an emotional attachment to people of a certain type, as witnessed by looking at the dating history of the average person: There will usually be a noticeable similarity between many of the individuals dated. This goes to personality as much as to physical characteristics as well. Gender is, when it comes down to it, simply one more aspect of the person, no different from hair color or taste in movies.
For your husband, the physical side of things appears to be largely homosexual, although this may be a temporary thing for him. The emotional side, which is the more important one for your relationship, is unknown to us... that's something that you'll need to find out together. His physical sexuality may just be a quirk that will take some getting used to.
you are probably feeling a little emotionally betrayed, as your husband cannot be aroused by you without extreme role playing in a role outside your marriage construct. im not going to judge role playing generally speaking... i think its normal and healthy for a person to need to use some imagination sexually.
lets say the role playing was extreme aggressive behavior. as in bondage and perhaps violent sexual aggression. some would be turned on by this. some would be frightened, thinking it was more like rape. i dated a girl who liked hands around her neck with some pressure and some stronger sexual aggression at the right times. just pushed her over the top. some of it was a little disconcerting at first, but when i understood the boundaries, it became a "normal" part of our sex. but i later dated a woman who had been sexually abused. do this to her and i know she would have been torn apart emotionally.
so it comes down to you, in part. just because he needs this doesnt mean you need this.
do i think hes gay. well, im not attracted to men at all, so i cant really draw a line for what is gay versus gay-role playing... again, just because i had some aggressive sex with a girl doesnt mean i would do that to another women without her consent. it doesnt mean i would rape.
but... and im sure this is cause im a straight guy... i find it hard to be ok with his desires. i dont get the guy who likes to wear womens clothing. there are a lot of things i just dont get, and sexuality is complicated.
so... i guess im not too helpful after all. is he gay? boy, sure seems like hes trying to have both worlds... the outward life of a heterosexual and the bedroom life of a gay man. that sounds like a guy who might be in the closet. or who simply might be turned on by "alternative" role playing. sorry that i cant tell you where the "line" is.
I don't know why so many people are beating around the bush. Your husband is 100 and ten percent gay. You know it too you may be in denial, but the signs are as red as can be. Think about the downlow situation, and know that it is singlehandly blamed for the alarming rate of of AIDS/HIV in the African American community.
Not at all gay unless he feels some sort of attraction towards men on an emotional level.
Wife likes to male gay porn, I can take or leave it but some is ok, we watch it on occasion since she likes it while we watch some I like at others and neither one of us questions our heterosexuality at all.
Have you ever asked him if he has ever considered making these fantasies a reality? Have you told him how this makes you feel? I have to admit I would be concerned if it is getting to the point where he needs to have that kind of fantasy to become aroused. He obviously has some bi-sexual tendences however small but I don't think for a second this would be enough to necessarily make him unfaithful any more than it would if he was thinking about younger women or glamor models occasionally.
Communication is the answer here.
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