Husband Claims To Be A Sexual Deviant

ProjectX · #1 Nov 5, 2009, 04:03 PM

Ok so here's the background...I'm in my late 20's and my husband is in his mid-40's. We just had a beautiful baby girl in August and it was around this time that I found out that he was continuing some of his past behaviours. He is a self-proclaimed "sexual deviant." He has never been in a relationship were he has not had at least TWO "sidepieces." When we were married he stated that he was at the point in his life where he was ready to settle down with just one person and have a happy life. He is also a recovering alcoholic....6 years sober, until the other night, when I found him passed out drunk on our living room couch at 2 in the morning (that's a whole other topic though).

Anyway, I found out that while I was pregnant, he was going to strip clubs behind my back. The agreemet as it pertained to "extra-curricular" fun was that we would do it together if it was to be done at all. So when I found this out I was more hurt that he was hiding it from me, and only admitted to it when I presented him with the hard evidence I had found.

In the meantime, I was monitoring what he was looking up the web browser on his cell phone....and I found that he was searching the Craigslist personals in our area as well as the strip clubs, erotic massage parlors and escort services in the town that he has to visit for his business. When I confronted him with this, he stated that he had not used these "services" that he was just searching those keys words for entertainment. So I tried to let it go, then the other night I went on the computer (the night he fell off the wagon) and found that he had searched for motels and massage parlors in the town we live in while I was upstairs asleep. When I confronted him with this he swore he was just looking it up for entertainment's sake and that he hadn't actually left the house.

Now here is my actual question.....I CAN NOT believe that someone would be looking for services like these in the EXACT LOCATION where they currently are without visiting them. He claims he is just "fantasizing" about "being bad" but come on!!!

What do you all think?

Synnen · Nov 5, 2009, 04:07 PM

I think it's time that you and your husband have a long talk about expectations in your relationship--from EACH of you.

If you can't come to an agreement on your own, then I suggest a marriage counselor.

But--I don't see much good about your relationship. He lies. You snoop. Neither of you trusts the other. And communication is obviously lacking.

I REALLY suggest talking to a counselor about this.

ProjectX · Nov 5, 2009, 04:16 PM

I hear ya Synnen! The fact that I feel compelled to snoop is the BIGGEST red flag there is. I sit him down and try to communicate how I feel and he tells me that we should go to the hardware store, buy some lumber and build a cross to nail him to in the front yard. That's the response I get!

He is a professional liar and I am a professional truth seeker (aka a snoop). I do not want to rob my child of her father, ruin our business and lose someone I love so much, but what can I do?

I am going to put the counselor idea on the table (even though I hate going to therapists) but even then I don't know if I can ever trust him again...and without trust you have NOTHING.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 5, 2009, 04:41 PM

If he is just "looking" he has an adiction and a problem, if he doing it, he has a more serious problem.

So there is need for serious long term couseling.

Gemini54 · Nov 5, 2009, 11:31 PM

I guess the bottom line is - does he want to be in a committed, meaningful responsible, adult relationship?

Or, does he want to trawl the internet for strippers, drink himself into oblivion and lose his wife and daughter?

Seems to me there is a link between the birth of your child and his relapse. Could he be freaked out by the responsibilities of being a sober, non sexually deviant father?

Counselling or AA I reckon - as soon as you can.

smoothy · Nov 6, 2009, 07:51 AM

Sleeping around even in a marriage isn't a sexual deviant problem....its a commitment and fidelity problem. Different issues totally.

If you caught him banging your female german shepard....hes a deviant...if he was looking at a maked woman he's a normal guy.

Occaisonal trips to a strip clubs are fine....thats like window shopping when you have no intention or desire to buy something. Now trawling personals and excort services are another thing entirely. You don't go to escort services unles you are getting an escort, or plan to.
Not cool in a marriage.