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    WeepingWillow2's Avatar
    WeepingWillow2 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jun 14, 2010, 06:17 AM
    Is My Husband Bi or Gay...
    I have been married for 2 years and together for 4. He is in his 40's and I am just getting into my 30's. He had a vasectomy years years before I came along. I used to want to have a child with him. In recent light of troubling events I have now changed my question to him. I used to ask him for a child, now I ask him if he is gay/Bi. We threw a party one night and all got really drunk. The guest we gone except for a friend and her husband. They were cleaning up. After putting my husband to bed for his own safety he came back out into the living room where I and a friend where talking. He plops down on the couch and the friends husband comes and sits down next to him. The friends husband reaches over and pulls out my husbands part and starts to preform oral sex on him in front of us. My husband doesn't act shocked, doesn't push him off, he just puts his hand on his head and pushes him down on him more. We separated. He later told me that he had been talking to this guy and they all wanted to have a swinging good time, if you know what I mean. They say they didn't know how to breach the subject with the two of us girls, so since we had been drinking they thought it would go over best if they just started the party and hoped we would join in.
    Sometime after this, about a year or so. We are back together and I find he is masturbating to gay porn, frequently. He claims that he only watches it after he has been drinking heavily, which is all the time. He says that because it's so difficult to climax after drinking that he needs to look at something taboo. Something shocking to make him climax. I could go on and on about details of events that have lead me to ask this question, but to spare myself the shame I won't. All these events leave me heartbroken and utterly confused. We have great sex. He is present, attentive, and seems to enjoy our sex as much as I do. He is always begging me for sex and anal sex. He has said in the past that he is too old to have a child, now I think that this maybe the issue that has been preventing him from wanting a child. He is truly a good person. I have a husband that is also my best friend. He appears to be attracted to me. How does his behavior fit into our life as husband and wife? If he is BI, should I just accept that he has chosen to love me, and be with me-not another man. So confused about what to call this. Is he BI because he is attracted to both male and female, or is he gay? How can this happen?? How can you do this to someone that you say you love? How can you play with someone's heart and life just to spare yourself from what others might say or do? I am beside myself. I just need some outside perspective.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #2

    Jun 14, 2010, 06:48 AM

    The sound of my jaw hitting the floor would have been heard in calcutta had I witnessed what you saw.

    It does sound very much like your husband is attracted to man and women,what bothers me is,is he blanent disregard for your feelings while showing you.

    For me this would be a deal breaker,I can't say he does not love you,he probably does and very much,however the lie you are both living would be too much to bear.

    You want children,he does not,you are living the lie with him.

    If he is sexually active with other men,perhaps an STI test is in order for you,if he decides to play both ways,while married,he's cheating,if he is content with porn,and will be honerable to his marriage vows,you both need to find a place for his bi-sexuality in your marriage,and decide if there is space.

    Have you asked him outright about his sexuality?

    Have you expressed your concerns and your confusion to him?
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    WeepingWillow2 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Jun 14, 2010, 07:02 AM

    Redhed35, yes I have asked him him out right. He has told me as a young boy he experimented with his neighbors. I dismissed this as I had experimented with the same sex too. Yes, I have been very plain to him about my concerns. The chance that he maybe gay or Bi but he in denial, which scares me the most. He insists that he is neither gay or BI. He thinks that these events in our marriage are just results of drunkin behavior. His drinking is an excuse for far too much. As I am posting this it's like I am standing outside my body typing this. Yes I have an appointment set for STD screen
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    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #4

    Jun 14, 2010, 07:32 AM

    The thing about being drunk is,its not that you don't know what's happening its just that you don't care.

    If someone was trying to do something sexual with you while you were drunk but you did not want it,would you not at least try and fight them off?

    And after the first time it happened,why would you put yourself in that position again,his drinking is just a cover for his true sexual idenity,whatever that may be.

    The red flags in your relationship are too big to ingore.

    Would he see a councillor to talk about his drink problem? Or AA,there are also support groups for you too.

    I suggest marriage councilling for you both,and perhaps through this medium you can both tackle the issue of his sexuality.

    If he is trying to hide who he is,it must be so hard for him,his drinking may just be a way of coping.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #5

    Jun 14, 2010, 09:25 AM

    The PROBLEM is the lack of communication.

    People who are bi ARE attracted to both sexes. If he is present and enjoys sex with you, then I would guess that he is bi.

    However: Being bisexual is NOT an open contract to allow cheating. Being with someone NOT your spouse is cheating, regardless of genders involved. If he was interested in swinging, he should have talked to you about it.

    The drinking is another red flag: He needs to NOT drink that much if it is going to cause him to "need" something other than you for stimulus.

    I agree with Redhead, as well: If you want children, and he doesn't---well, just wait until you are in your late 30s and your biological clock starts ticking. Sacrificing the want for children for a partner is ONLY going to cause resentment and anger.

    I suggest marriage counseling. Without it, your marriage is just going to become worse with time as more secrets and hidden wishes and resentments build up.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #6

    Jun 14, 2010, 10:20 AM
    From what you've said your husband is:

    - An alcoholic
    - Gay or bi (really, who cares which - you aren't ever going to be enough)
    - Unfaithful (if he did it in front of you, be sure he's done it behind your back countless times)
    - Immature, self-absorbed and cruel

    Any of these facts would be grounds for an annulment, so even if you don't believe in divorce, you need to leave him. Divorce is not the end of the world - you can find a man who is more than satisfied with just you, who you can trust, who respects you and doesn't risk exposing you to HIV and Hepatitis. Don't you deserve at least that in a marriage? Loving him isn't enough, and besides, you love a different guy than you are married to - much of your marriage is based on his lies and deceitful behaviors.

    Staying in a marriage like this and focusing on what you can do to save it is the relationship equivalent of dusting the furniture a burning house. Resist the temptation to try to understand and accept his behaviors or accept his justifications - he's treating you like crap and has ruined the marriage -it's dead already. He did that - get angry and get out. You can forgive him later.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #7

    Jun 14, 2010, 10:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    .
    - He's either bi or gay and I guess I wouldn't care which. The bottom line is that you are married to a man who needs sexual stimulation from other men to be satisfied. You can never be a man, so you will just tear yourself apart trying to satisfy someone who cannot be satisfied by you completely.
    WRONG!

    I agree with the rest of your post, but just because someone is bisexual does NOT mean they can not be completely satisfied with one partner.

    Why do people persist on seeing it that way?

    Bisexual ONLY means that you are attracted to both sexes. It does NOT mean that you can not be satisfied by one person. It does NOT mean you get a free pass to cheat because you "need" that stimulation. It does not mean you cannot remain completely satisfied in a monogamous relationship.

    Any more than being straight means that you can only be satisfied by multiple partners, or need other people to be stimulated, or have a free card to cheat for whatever reason.

    Being bisexual ONLY means that you are attracted to both sexes. It has NO other implications---just like being straight ONLY means that you are attracted to the opposite sex.
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #8

    Jun 14, 2010, 10:50 AM

    I don't think his sexuality is the biggest issue, right now. It's his behavior and his drinking.

    Regardless of his sexuality, he has chosen to be with you. It is possible for someone who is bi or gay to be in a happy, loving relationship with someone of the opposite gender. It just takes a lot of work, communication, and understanding on both sides. There need to be ground rules that both people are expected to follow.

    Having a friend go down on him in front of both their wives is just uncalled for. They are adults. As adults, they should be able to discuss their sexual fantasies and desires with their spouses. The unwillingness to do so, and the inconsiderate nature of their actions, say a lot more than the actions, themselves.

    The gay porn is just porn. It has been said time and time again that the type of porn someone watches does not always reflect their true desires. Sometimes there's just something about it that helps get them off.

    Do you think you would be able to get into gay porn? Maybe you could watch it together. If he doesn't feel the need to hide his viewing and enjoyment of it, and actually feels free to enjoy it WITH you, then it very well may open up communications between you.

    The suggestion of marriage counseling is a very good one. I would add that he should see a personal therapist, one that is known to be gay-friendly. Seeing a personal therapist, yourself, wouldn't be a bad idea, either. You both have issues you need to work out, together AND separately.

    Your marriage may or may not survive. He may be able to finally admit to himself that he prefers men. You may decide that you need a marriage that can provide you with children. You may both decide that his attraction for men and your desire for children isn't enough to pull you apart. Only time, work, communication, and self-inspection will truly tell.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #9

    Jun 14, 2010, 10:53 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen View Post
    WRONG!!

    I agree with the rest of your post, but just because someone is bisexual does NOT mean they can not be completely satisfied with one partner.

    Why do people persist on seeing it that way?

    Bisexual ONLY means that you are attracted to both sexes. It does NOT mean that you can not be satisfied by one person. It does NOT mean you get a free pass to cheat because you "need" that stimulation. It does not mean you cannot remain completely satisfied in a monogamous relationship.

    Any more than being straight means that you can only be satisfied by multiple partners, or need other people to be stimulated, or have a free card to cheat for whatever reason.

    Being bisexual ONLY means that you are attracted to both sexes. It has NO other implications---just like being straight ONLY means that you are attracted to the opposite sex.
    Not to take from the op,but I find that really interesting, I have to admit I have always thought that being bi or gay in a straight relationship,that you would never be completely satisified with a straight partner.

    You live and learn.
    WeepingWillow2's Avatar
    WeepingWillow2 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Jun 14, 2010, 10:57 AM

    Dontknownuthin, Synnen, and Redhead. Thank you for you time and advice.
    I should stop playing semantics with the names of the issues and break it down to myself honestly.
    The issue is he betrayed me when he went outside the marriage to satisfy his needs. He lacks the ability to be honest with me and himself. He is out of control with his behavior and his drinking. I know he won't go to marriage counseling or AA. I know because I told him I thought we should. He was dead set against it. He said that they would demonize him and make it all out to be his fault. Which it is. I didn't make him get oral sex from this guy and I don't shove the alcohol down his thoat... but I do buy it for him and serve it to him. So, I guess it's just classic textbook co-dependent/enabler, huh? Knowing what to call it doesn't make it easier. I can tell you I have been through some scary things in my life. Seen and been a part of things that no one should ever have happen to them. I think this has been the toughest, single most heartbreaking thing I have had to go through in my life. I have no reason to believe there is an honest, good, loving person in existence. Everyone I let in my life take a part of me. Steals something for themselves and never gives in return. How do I execute the next step? How do I become whole? How do I start? How can someone be capable of this much deceit?
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #11

    Jun 14, 2010, 11:00 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by redhed35 View Post
    not to take from the op,but i find that really interesting, i have to admit i have always thought that being bi or gay in a straight relationship,that you would never be completly satisified with a straight partner.

    you live and learn.
    There are a lot of harmful myths and stereotypes about bisexuality floating around. It doesn't mean that you need a partner of each sex to be happy. It doesn't mean that you go from a relationship with a guy, to one with a girl, and back again for your entire life. It doesn't mean that you can't be in a long-term relationship with only one partner.

    It merely means that you are sexually, emotionally, and mentally attracted to members of both sexes.
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    WeepingWillow2 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Jun 14, 2010, 11:18 AM

    hheath541, I will have to give some thought to what you had to say. I appreciate the time you took to respond. The part where you suggest that I watch gay porn with him is out of the question! I watch porn, we have watched porn together, but I feel that if I were to watch GAY porn with him it would be easy for him to think that I was giving him permission to act out his desires. I say he would find it easy to misunderstand me in this way because in his state of mind, his chemically inhanced state of mind, along with his selfish nature he could misconstrew my actions. This is where you say... this is why communication is key.
    I agree it is and I pray that we get to the point of resolve, and balances. Where he is who I want to be married to, and that he gives me all I need. The viceversa with him. I want him to be happy. I don't want to see him hurting from these internal battles against himself.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #13

    Jun 14, 2010, 11:47 AM

    Where do you go from here?

    You go to counseling on your own to get the strength to believe that you are worth more than this.

    I would also consult a lawyer about a legal separation--if not a divorce.
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    WeepingWillow2 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Jun 14, 2010, 12:57 PM

    Synnen, you are right. I can't begin to worry about him or our marriage till I deal with me and what I am going through, my behavior, and my issues. I have contacted a counselor, just waiting for her to call me back. I feel relief just because I talked about this dirty secret on here to you all. I can only imagine the growth and the weight that will be lifted from speaking to a professional. I am grateful there is a place like this for me to talk about something without anyone having to know who I am. Seeking clairty, asking for hope, wanting help!
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #15

    Jun 14, 2010, 01:05 PM

    Weepingwillow---it is posts like yours, that let us KNOW we helped, that keep us coming back to help more people.

    I hope it works out with the counselor!
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    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #16

    Jun 14, 2010, 04:05 PM

    Synen - you are correct that bi people can be satisfied with one partner. This guy is not satisfied with her. He had sex with a man in front of her, and he has been using gay porography because he cannot climax without homosexual images, and told her that. So in this case, she will never be enough to satisfy him - he's told her that and much to my shock, proven it to her face. It has less to do with bisexuality than ability to be faithful. I wish I put it better, and thank you for catching my error.

    Also, some bisexual people I have known do need intimacy with both men and women to feel fully satisfied, and in their case, being in a faithful single partner marriage would not ever be enough and would be very unfair to the partner.

    If he is gay, she will never be enough for him for sure. And not to question every bisexual person, but unfortunately many gay people do go through a period of development in accepting their sexuality when they self-identify as bisexual - down the line they ultimately admit they are gay. In the meantime, the opposite sex partner trying to make things work is devastated. I think there's a lot of focus on gay rights and how hard it is to come out, which I think is appropriate. There's not enough support and empathy for the opposite sex partners many of these folks leave broken in the interim.
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    WeepingWillow2 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Jun 14, 2010, 05:06 PM

    You know despite the fact that he has not shown me respect, or handled me in the sympathic way a husband should I want what's best for him. I want him to find out who he is-no matter the consequences to myself. If that means he is gay and we divorce then that is what I want. I love enough to want more for him. I don't want to see him hate himself or be ashamed of what he wants. Yes, I am mad as hell at him. Yes, I went through a period where I wanted hurt him worse than he hurt me. Yes, I grieve the loss of a husband and life partner. Yes, I have gone through disgust at the very sight of him... not to mention his touch, but I love him enough to help him get what he wants. I know that may mean I am not a part of his life any longer and that's OK. It's not that I am giving up on him or our marriage, it's that you can't say you love someone and disgaurd them after they have wronged you. I can limit his access to me and put physical distance between us. I can choose to not play his games anymore. I can't put energy in hurting him, because that's energy I need to start a new life.
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #18

    Jun 14, 2010, 06:03 PM

    You are an amazing woman and wife.

    If you can find the strength, then I'm sure he would welcome you as a friend, even if you're no longer his wife. The road ahead of him will probably be long and hard. An understanding and loving ear is always welcome on those journeys.

    You may not be at that point, right now, but that doesn't mean it won't be possible in the future. Even though you may lose him as your husband, you may be able to keep him as your friend. A friendship like that is all the stronger for having made it through something so hard. There are many kinds of life partners.
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    WeepingWillow2 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #19

    Jun 15, 2010, 01:10 PM

    Ok, I have regrouped. Tonight he wants to talk to me about "us". I am going to be strong and state the facts. I am going to be truthful with myself about his explainations and excuses. I will be truthful with him about how his actions effect me. I am not sure about what's to come of this "talk", but since I know for a fact that he can't be honest with himself about his sexuality, I don't expect him to go "you know what? You are right! I am gay/BI" Seriously it doesn't matter. His actions tell me he is Gay/BI. So, no matter what he says he won't be able convince me that he is a completely committed heterosexual. With that comment it leaves no "space' for him in my life, as I need a committed heterosexual to be my husband.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #20

    Jun 15, 2010, 02:57 PM

    Good for you. I don't think you need to be mean or judgemental or unaccepting of what he's going through but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself in emotional peril, either. I think you are in a really healthy mindset - and your feelings may go all over the place, just keep in mind the question, "Is this healthy for me. Is this my best and most authentic life?"

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