Asked Jul 11, 2012, 05:24 PM
So I met him through an online PC game, one of those MMORPG's as they call them. He had the most infectious energy and enthusiasm, every time he saw me or we hung-out, or played the game together, or 'power-leveled,' as they say he seemed genuinely excited to see me, which instantly resonated a feeling to this day I wish I had back, (mainly because I saw it being snuffed out rather than letting it run its own course like the rest of us do). For the most part this attitude he had was extremely consistent and regular, every day. I mean, who wouldn't want to be around such a captivating audience such as this? Hmm, can you call one person 'an audience?' But he was, and it lasted for so long like this. So long, in fact that even now I have begun to greet others in the same way. Esp. in an environment so monochromatic and really very colorless and expressionless without those clever ways of making up words or exclamations to express what you really mean, there's no other way.
Basically I looked at it like this, if I were straight and he were female I would be doing the same exact thing. However, if the female had done the things he did and said the things he said, she would absolutely be accused of leading me on. Of all the flattery and flirting, ever was a serious enough offence toward him that it could affect negatively the friendship. But then why did he voluntarily offer me his full name to do a search for on facebook so I could see his pictures, and then tell me that although he was straight "just wait until I saw what he looked like" (if any of the reactions from past gay men/boys were any indication), and "I just live life as it comes," he said. He made jokes as well from time to time, like asking me if my character's screen name was intended to look like an innuendo for anal sex/anal rape. I won't repeat the name here, it's not vulgar....okay it was "Men tor mi" but all one word. Home drunk one night the first question out of his mouth (or fingers) was if I lived alone. I remember his also telling me that he just 'lives life as it comes,' when I came out to him I believe talking about sexuality, etc..., very close to the time we first met. We already knew we both lived in the same region of the Atlantic east coast, maybe four or five hours away, not too bad when you think of a place like Australia. And two probably three times he said to me we could be friends, BFF's! when I suppose my behavior was a bit too forward for him.. Trying to be a 'good friend' or if it turned into a 'bff' type friendship (I don't believe in contrived bff friendships) would be an utter surprise based on never having met him and just knowing about him from typing, sort of a pen pal. I never disrespected him, the absolute worst thing ever was spamming him one night with a lot of junk email and fb msg's, but that's a LONG story, and besides that just flirting with him online, but backing off big time when he last reminded me that we could be good friends. Repeatedly however, he would indicate never being bothered by comments or other things I said, and on the contrary, behavior would indicate otherwise, and any inquiry regarding the matter would quickly escalate into drama or blow-ups, stonewalls, etc... When it finally degraded down to state it is in now, well now he never greets me whatsoever, never says goodbye when logging out, rarely asks about playing any game online at the same time, quickly shoots down any attempt by me to disagree with something he said or did, attempts to apologize for myself saying or doing something get replies like this: "Don't start again." .....strangely enough. It's weird. Don't start what? I have no idea what he means by that. Many direct questions by myself have gone unanswered.
Somewhere along the way, he began to think that this form of expression (animated, exuberant, affection of any kind,. e.g., hugs,) between two males was not acceptable and more importantly, not masculine. Often drunk he would be very empathetic when we were in chat, asking me how I was or how I'd been and what I did that day or was up to recently. All the while I wished it meant something more but deep down I knew we were friends and he was acting like a really good one, which I very much appreciated until I bumped into some form of homophobia or irrational fear of something, whatever it happened to be that moment, that day.....pick something.
I told him he seemed like a very fun drunk, more than once, he said nothing. His personality while drunk felt closest to being bff's or really close friends, and one morning while telling him that I kept getting this feeling that I was going to have power-leveled him in a game and that was going to be it he replied "You're not gettting that feeling now, are you?" - I wasn't. How did he know that? Why did he throw all the good stuff away simply because to him good only added up to 'gay?' He could be the one person that's changed the most from start to finish (not in any good way perhaps). But why did he seem to deliberately change himself right in the middle of everything, usually folks are resistant to change, and in this one he probably could not 'adjust' fast enough. And be one person in the beginning, a completely different person in the end, and not acknowledge or care about anything in between, and especially anything that could potentially be construed or interpreted in a 'gay' way? Why is that the barometer to measure all morals, all action and all behavior?
Personally, I want to know if his response to this perceived crisis of his warrants his reactions to things and how ed up his reactions are. Such as taking our real friendship and saying. >Put this in the garbage. Taking his ego and practically making a plaque for it then polishing it for all to admire. I really don't know if I should delete him from all chat programs, effectively shutting off communication with him entirely, and/or calling him out for being homophobic, and/or trying to speak to him - however, he doesn't handle emotional conversations well and often shuts down internally (or variation of), speaking none at all or very little. When I last tried to bring up this kind of stuff he said "Don't start again," and that was the last word from his mouth that day I believe. Thank you in the biggest possible way IN ADVANCE - everybody!!