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I realize a lot of people have boyfriends and husbands that like to look at porn.
For the most part, I never thought this would be an issue for me as I've a fairly open mind about looking at porn (as long as it nothing illegal), masturbation to porn, etc.
However, I find myself in a situation with my current partner. We've been together about 1.5 years - the first six months were a long distance relationship, the past year we've lived together.
He's always denied looking at porn. When we were long distance, he had to rebuild his computer once due to virus issues, and when I suggested porn sites were a well known source of viruses, he denied ever having visited one. I believed him, as I had no reason not to, not that it was really an issue for me.
Once I moved in with him, I did notice that frequently, when I walked into this home office (he is a self-employed architect), he would be sitting at his computer but the screen would be blank (just the desktop, or yahoo home page, or just opening a new document or web page). Having previously worked in an office myself and knowing the routine, it seemed like he might be quickly attempting to hide what he had been looking at, but, again, I didn't think much of it, until, one day about 3 months after moving in, he was supposed to be looking up the weather (we were headed out for a hike), and I came back into the room and found him looking at porn. When he realized I'd walked into the room, he attempted to hide the the image on his computer screen with his hands, but clearly, I'd seen what was on the screen.
I was so shocked that I didn't say anything at that time, just pretended I didn't see it and went about my business. He quickly brought up the weather and didn't acknowledge anything either. About a week later, however, I decided I should talk to him about the incident, since I started to feel as though I didn't know him as well as I thought I did (having started out as a long distance relationship) - might he be a porn addict? We talked at length, and he explained that he had just clicked a link in some email spam out of curiosity at that time and was ashamed when I walked back into the room and tried to hide it. He was sorry we didn't discuss it at the time and thought it was very generous of me not to make him feel badly. He again denied using any porn, or being addicted, going as far to say that porn is "boring" and the women are "bimbo's" and claiming he is just not that kind of a guy. He has never deny enjoying viewing quality images of the female form (he is an artist, after all), but claims that porn "does nothing" for him.
At this point, I'm sure you readers can determine where this story is going. Sure enough, shortly thereafter, I discovered his porn "stash" on the computer. He'd left an image open on his computer (though minimized) labeled something like "doggy" - and since we have three dogs I clicked on it expecting to see a picture of one of the pooches. Yeah right. What I discovered was approximately 5,000 still images ( a lot of "sets") of naked women, high resolution images with a focus on the rear end. Not soft core porn, but not particularly hard core - but just a TON of images. Too many to really look at, since they all seemed quite repetitive in nature.
I did NOT confront him with my discovery because I didn't want to make him feel spied upon or further push him into hiding re his porn viewing habits or that I was attempting to control his behavior in any way. I have, instead, at different times, attempted to open up the conversation regarding porn with him so that he knows I'm not rabidly anti-porn, but, that I do want and expect him to be honest with me and to have a dialogue about this. However, he has reacted to all my attempts with denial - basically, his story is the same, that he never looks at porn, that the porn he has on his machine was installed by his brother at one time (when the brother was helping set up the machine and without his consent).
He now has a new computer, and I can tell from the web activity log that he views and downloads porn on a (nearly) daily basis, typically in the morning as soon as he goes up to "work". He has rearranged his office so that the new computer screen is no longer visible upon entry to the room claiming the change was necessary to deal with glare issues (which has some validity).
I might also mention that he is 47 years old (I'm 37) and our sex life is just "ok". I would like to have sex more often than 3 or 4 times per month (I've expressed this to him), but, often he doesn't seem interested or claims to not be in the mood because of work issues. Rarely, he will initiate, often, I need to initiate. There has been some improvement over the last six month, but, still 2 weeks or more will pass with him showing little or no interest in sex with me. I wonder if the two are related.
I'm at the point in this relationship where we could get more serious - we've talked about some shared desires for a future together, perhaps even marriage. I do love and care for him very much, however, don't want to get more involved in a situation that will only bring me heartache.
As relatively open-minded I am about porn, I never expected to be with a partner who viewed it daily and maintained a cache of 5,000 or more images, downloading new images weekly, while denying he was that "kind of guy". I suppose, even more so than the porn usage, it's the lying and deception that he's perpetrated that I feel has and will continue to drive a wedge between us. As it is, I can't get anywhere near his computer without him posturing to have me leave, which, I can only imagine, he's afraid of me somehow discovering his porn stash. It's hard for me to imagine that he can't realize that I can "sense" his discomfort and that there is something not quite right.
How can I tell if he is addicted? I suppose it is only semantics - if it is making me unhappy then who cares if it is a true "addiction" or just a overly enthusiastic appreciation for images of naked women that still must be dealt with. But, since he refuses to acknowledge (to me at least) that even looks at porn, I really have no idea how much time he spends viewing the porn that he has downloaded and therefore, the impact it has on his productivity, or how he feels about it in any way, or if it could be an addiction.
I do know that he does NOT masturbate to the porn (at least while I'm around) which seems to be a bit unusual, and, I'm also fairly certain he isn't paying for porn - just downloading free-bee's that some sites give away. After reading some other posts from women, I wonder if the best thing to do is just to walk away and save myself years of struggle and heartache, be glad I discovered this prior to devoting years of my life to him, or, if this is behavior is perfectly normal and not indicative of an addiction - perhaps I can find some way to accept it and forget about it.
Yes, from the sounds of what you just typed, he is addicted to porn big time. If he has to view the porn from the time he gets up in the morning until who knows when until he goes to sleep - he has a serious problem.
If I were you I would just find someone else as this porn habit can lead to more things the older he gets. I just read a book about serial rapists and serial murderers by the famous FBI profilers who have devoted years to researching into these guy's minds and they way they think. It's called "The Evil that Men Do". It's about 14 years old so it might be hard to find a copy of this book. Essentially the men who keep viewing porn keep having to escalate their "thrill" that they get from viewing this stuff. They escalate right up to rape and then murder. Since he's in his 40's it sounds like his habit has totally engrossed his entire waking existence. He may or may not go for the rape stuff as the book said that rape was a younger man's MO and not an older man's MO. The book did go onto explain that since these men masterbate so much that they cannot enjoy regular sex with a woman as they have used their hand so much. That explained a lot to me as I had a bf who liked porn and could not perform as much as he did before he would look at the porn. Somehow the real thing doesn't excite them anymore. I could relate to that part of the book a lot.
His computer got some nasty viruses from porn sites also. That's a for sure thing on that.
May I suggest you simply "ease" this guy out of your life and try looking elsewhere. You are healthy sexual wise to want to be satisfied like a normal woman, not playing "second fiddle" to some doggy pictures. Please find another guy who likes the real deal. You'll be glad you did.
Thanks for your reply. I just wanted to clarify that I'm fairly certain he isn't spending ALL day looking at porn. We spend every evening together from about 5PM (cooking dinner, watching movies), and he will go upstairs at the end of he day to check email, but isn't really gone long enough to look at porn then - just 10 minutes or so and then comes to bed. On weekends we will often go backpacking (in the summer) or do something together.
It seems, based on the web activity log, that he attempts to download new porn in the morning before getting started on his work day - I guess every day is different depending on what he intends to accomplish, but, often, he will be working at his drafting table when I enter the office, no where near the computer.
I think sometimes, because he lies about using porn, I suspect he's using it more than he really is, it's just hard to know because he won't admit to it at all.
I hear you re the progressive course this kind of addiction can take for some men, however, I'm not worried about him being involved in any illegal activity. He's not that "anti-social" in nature and overall a very kind-hearted, animal loving, art loving person.
Does lying about this kind of behavior automatically indicate an addiction? Or does lying just mean he's THAT ashamed of himself and doesn't want me to know about this side of him (as counterproductive as it may be to the foundation of our relationship).
that's addiction. he is doing it daily?? jesus-thats a lot of pics!
the fact that he is lying to cover it up -he is not even saying he is addicted? It is time to send him on his way (IF HE DOES NOT STOP, OR refuses to get help-if hae cant stop
You seem to be wanting to cover for him in your answer. You are in denial big time over this guy. The book that I referred to was written by Roy Hazelwood. John Douglas also has written books on these porn addicted men. A lot of men start out with the porn, then they progress to looking at bondage pictures, then they progress to the real thing and end up torturing real women and eventually killing them.
1998 St. Martins Press - The Evil That Men Do. by Roy Hazelwood. Once you read this book you will have a much better understanding of how porn hurts women and addicts men to it. My son thinks that there must be something imbedded into the pictures that makes men want to view this more and more and can't essentially get enough.
Please get the book and read it for yourself. Remember Ted Bundy? He was a wonderfully charming man who did some horriffic murders. He was a social butterfly and very intelligent.
When the BF wants you to start acting out his sexual fantasies, look out. Pretty soon he'll start wanting to tie you up and dominate you.
Just because he spends time with you in the evenings now means nothing. Looking at email for 10 minutes - do you go along and see this or does he do this alone? If alone I really don't think it's email he's looking at. I am very skeptical of men in general when they are caught lying about anything. I tend to believe my first impression is the right impression. He may be in a lull right now and curbing his addiction as you have a "new" relationship. Just wait.... he will truly show you what he's all about in due time.
Please read that book. You will be glad you did. It is very educational to a woman who knows nothing about this. I thought I knew the subject, but I really had my eyes opened wide after reading this book.
... 5,000 still images ... downloads porn on a (nearly) daily basis ... perhaps I can find some way to accept it and forget about it.
No doubt this is a situation of porn addiction. However keep in mind that many males have somewhere on their computers a stash of porn pictures, though seldom so big.
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Unless you can convince him to open up on this and discuss the situation and your feelings about this, this will influence your relationship in an increasing negative way.
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You mentioned that he is 47 years old (and you are 37) and your sex life is just "ok".
Much depends on if you are financially independent of him or not. Take that into account.
Not doing anything most probably will end up in you becoming frustrated with the situation.
However taking hard action may end up in the relationship breaking down.
You are the best judge of what could happen.
If necessary try to find professional help for this form of addiction.
. Some weeks ago I heard from a female friend in a similar situation a solution that you may keep in mind for later, if all else fails :
- Never try to wipe data from his computer.
- Whenever possibile add hundreds of pictures of yourself (whatever you want) to the stash at various locations, so many that he has to find them some time. But do not say anything to him. The shocking effect of encountering one or more of these pictures did in her situation cause both partners to discuss the situation, and ended the addiction problem.
I hope that if you have to use the same trick it will help you also!
Lack of enough sex with him and not being able to discuss why, with him, is a problem. Porn addiction or not, financial needs or not, I'd leave him for those reasons. Unless, he'll open up and talk to you about himself honestly.
He may simply have a lower sex drive than you. What do you need? Tell him.
5,000 pictures = porn addiction? Get serious people.... I can download 5,000 pictures in about 20 minutes if I was so inclined.
If his online behaviour isn't dominated with porn sites then he isn't addicted.
I will agree about the free porn sites however...bad place to pick up viruses and malware. I avoid them like the plauge. THere are better places to get it that are still free and safer.
I can't understand his exceptionally low drive however....he is my age and I get the jitters if I don't have sex for more than a day or two. Wife and I still do it almost every day even after 17 years of marriage.
5,000 pictures = porn addiction? Get serious people.... I can download 5,000 pictures in about 20 minutes if I was so inclined.
Every morning starting with a visit to these sites? And (of course) store only the best pics ...
5000 "best pics" : yes that is addiction
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
... he is my age and I get the jitters if I don't have sex for more than a day or two. Wife and I still do it almost every day even after 17 years of marriage.
ONLY almost every day? Hmmm : your sex life is already going down the drain, I see
Every morning starting with a visit to these sites? And (of course) store only the best pics ...
5000 "best pics" : yes that is addiction :
The morning might be the time he is free....what time of the day isn't important...when things and people are neglected to do this, or any other thing like online games etc...thats a sign of an addiction. 5,000 pictures are nothing, you can put ten times that easily on a CD....or a really cheap thumb drive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Credendovidis
ONLY almost every day? Hmmm : your sex life is already going down the drain, I see
Heck I don't think I did it 3 times a day since I was in my early 20's, single and didn't know when I would be getting it next..... And that most certainly wasn't every day.
Yeah I know what you are saying however...I do think I have a healthy and frequent sex life.
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