Hi Im new here, 19 and my bf is 28. We have been together a year, live together, love each other tremendously & I have no reason to doubt I can trust him. Problem is, me being younger, I crave sex more than him & get really angry with him if he rejects me (he likes to be the initiator) I was wondering if anyone has any tips for me in not getting on his case when hes not in the mood, & saying no when he is (hed want it more if he couldnt get it) i dont like to say no as i feel like im missing out any ideas?

kp2171

dont assume its your age difference. there are men and women here in their 40's whose drive is as strong as ever... and some in their young 20's who have little to no libido.

and ill never understand the issue with a man needing to always be the initiator. theres nothing more sexy than a woman who will put you to the wall for what she demands. im fine with initiating, but i dont need to drive it to get into the moment. but diff strokes for diff folks i guess.

how is his health and his stress level? does he exercise much? in good health? drink much? get good sleep? stress tied to work? money? other issues? any meds? any chance he's self stimulating too much? have things always been like this?

my short answer, which is never short, is there are two issues here. your needs are not being met and he has control.

now... my partner is a "morning girl" and i love sex at night. so we compromise... meaning i have sex in the morning now. =) kidding... sort of...

my drive is higher than hers, and i dont always get it when im most amped... but she also understands when i push the issue im not trying to pester her. and if i "settle" for a few minutes of sensual touch at night, shell make it worth it the next morning... so while my desires arent always perfectly met... there really is middle ground.

that only comes through communication and a real desire for both partners to give and take some. i dont go ballistic when my partner is too tired because i know at best shed just be "servicing" me. on rare occasions, thats good enough. most of the time id rather have her locked in and engaged... not hoping it ends soon so she can sleep. and, as i said, she knows when im climbing the walls its because i want to be with her, connect with her... if getting the big O was all it was about i can take care of that myself.

so... what to do? first answer the questions i asked.

theres no substitute for good conversation and one way to do this is to share books. browse a bookstore and find a good book about massage or sensual touch. read it. mark it. highlight it. dogear it. whatever. then pass it to him. if he has half a clue and any desire to please you, he will read it... especially the parts you like and have marked.

my partner did this with one of my fav books, She Comes First... id read many others before this, but it was one of the first ones we shared in succession. knowing there were parts that interested her intrigued me... and i mention it a lot because its an easy read and an easy share. the follow up is He Comes Next. both by ian kerner.

so find something interesting to browse through and then pass it on. again... if he has half a clue he will be trying out whatever you desire by your markings.

also... try catching him at unexpected times. if i wake up at 3am and go down on my lover to wake her up shes always been very receptive. if my lover is waiting for me as i step out of the shower to put lotion over my body, its a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

maybe this wont work due to his desire to be the aggressor.

all you can do is give him the chance to do the "right" thing and be willing to talk out your desires openly. if he still neglects you, he might just be a great guy who is sexually incompatable to some degree. dont assume your drive is going to get any lower. it might. it can. but you might be more amped in 20 years than you are now.

so... answer the questions i asked and explain more if theres anything to add.

Choux

Just remember that you are annoying him when you make a to-do about anything.

The way to to solve problems in marriage (or in live-in situations) is to *negotiate* for what you want.

Do the negotiations while you both are out to dinner...have a rational discussion, no raised voices, no accusations, no blaming....just talk like adults. Make an agreement, for example, sex twice a week...whatever.

hannah_nicole

Ok firstly I am on a psp so my text space is limited. I may have to write this in a few messages. We are both in about average health but could definately improve our diets - both a bit overweight. He gets more exercise than me being he has a physical job. We both usually drink on weekends, rarely to excess and on no meds. I think he would benefit from an hours extra sleep on weeknights (goes to sleep after 10pm gets up 6.30am) he does become stressed from work, he has an apprentice and when his workplace is busy he definately feels the pressure of it.He seems to be usually on top of it though. He is not over stimulating only a few times a week while im at work (i work shifts). We are open in discussion about our sex life, but it seems only me to have a problem with it. We do it between about 2-5 times a week, which isnt so bad. Perhaps im not happy with it cuz it is always on his terms. Just occasionally i would like him to take my advances seriously. Its about the only thing he has such an egotistical male stance on. I think the control level just needs to be balanced out, but i dont know how. I have told him no maybe twice in our whole relationship. and hes been receptive to me maybe twice. ha, thats ironic isnt it. Oh & we had our typical honeymoon cant get enough of each other period at the start, this is just how things settled after it. Most everything else is ok besides common arguments but thats another story.

Synnen

Posts merged.

kp2171

well, not a lot of red flags from your answers, so its a control issue.

how to make him say "yes"? good luck.

id have a serious, honest talk about how rejection of your advances hurts your relationship. after that, im clueless. rejecting the advances of a woman i love just to keep control is a thought process that i cannot follow.

hannah_nicole

I'm not so sure its about control, he tells me it just doesn't feel right or turn him on for me to initiate things. He says he has always been this way, that he likes to start things with a female and not vice versa. Oh well thanks anyway to those who replied. If anyone else has ideas please post them.

Synnen

Having to be the one to initiate, for whatever reason, is letting him be in control of the situation at all times.

Eventually, he'll be one of those guys on these boards, posting that he ALWAYS has to initiate, and that his girlfriend/wife doesn't seem to be that into sex anymore--what can he do to get HER to start things sometimes?

Right now, it's enough for his ego to have you ask or try to start things, even though he turns you down. That situation strokes his ego while at the same time leaves him in control of the situation (saying "no" to you is his way of controlling it). He may not THINK it's about control, but it is. After a while, you'll get sick of getting rejected and stop trying to start things (assuming that nothing changes in your situation--it sounds to me like you're not really going to put up with this), because it hurts YOUR ego to always be told "no".

You need to work out a compromise between the two of you about initiating sex, and ways for you BOTH to go about it that make the other person feel good, and sexy, and in the mood. If he's not willing to work with you on this--even to the point of counseling, if necessary--then I see nothing but problems down the road for you.

smoothy

He has issues if he gets upset when you ask for it.

I've been married 17 years. Fromn day one I told my wife if she gets an urge any time of the day or night we are together...just let me know and the itch will get scratched....and she feels the same way if I get the urge.

Fact is its not about power or control in my house....its all about getting what you need when you need it.