So I've been fighting with this idea within myself for a few months now. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half, and we have a truly wonderful relationship. We talk about everything (I mean everything) including the issue I'm about to bring up.

When we first started dating and the subject of porno came up I was totally cool with it. I have been totally cool with it in the past; I think it's a natural thing for human beings to do and enjoy and in that sense I've never disagreed with it. So at first I was totally OK with him watching porn on his own time (or with me).

My reactions then eventually started to change for some reason. I would come home from being away all day and I would see his laptop on our bed downstairs and I would know that he had been watching porn (and I do know that he was watching porn, because we talked about it). After a few times of this happening I started to think about it more; when I would come home from work I would have these paranoid thoughts that he had been looking at porn while I was gone.

The thing is is that we have talked about this particular issue a lot. He has told me what the reasons are for him watching, which aren't concerning to me. We have such a great relationship - we're in love, he looooves my body the way it is, and we have really freakin' amazing sex. We have excellent communication with one another.

So, it's not that we have any problems in our sex life, and I'm not concerned that he thinks the porn women are more attractive than me. But for some reason I still get such a strong feeling when I know that he's been watching porn.

As it stands right now, we've had some discussions about it and I told him that I feel uncomfortable with it and he was completely willing to stop watching it. So he hasn't for the past 2 or 3 months. I have really gained a lot of trust in him because I know that he hasn't been doing it behind my back (and I don't know this from snooping, but because we are so honest with each other - he would seriously tell me if he did). He has respected me enough to give up something he enjoys.

However, I feel like a total because of this. Him and I, in every other way, are not controlling people at all - we do not want to restrict the other person's actions. We both have lives independent of one another and I'm OK with anything else he wants to do in his life.

I would really love to say that I am totally OK with him returning to watching porn if/whenever he likes. I don't have a problem with the idea of it in general but when I think about him watching it I get this weird negative feeling inside. It's almost like the secretive aspect bothers me, or that he's having a sexual experience without me and I feel left out.

My question is: does anyone have any suggestions on how I can authentically be OK with him watching porn? I really don't want to say that he can't do something. He has treated me so wonderfully and respectfully thus far on the issue and I'm feeling more and more like a jerk for restricting him in this way. I just want to be OK with it! Help me out with some fresh perspectives! Thank you :)

I am curious how old you are. I have a good feeling that you're above 18, but not by much.

I would try and figure out exactly what is strong feeling is. Why do you dislike it so? Are you afraid that he's coming you to the models and finding you wanting? Are you afraid that he is watching stuff that might be deviant? Are you afraid that the content might lead him to trying something that you wouldn't be comfortable with?

Until you figure out why you're uncomfortable with it, you're never really going to be comfortable with it. If you want to clear it up a bit, you should see if you could watch some of his porn with him. Get a feeling for what it is all about. I can guarantee you that, via rule 34 as much as the depravity of the human species, what you see is not going to be what you expect.

Another question, do you feel left out when he masturbates alone? Do you believe he feels the same if/when you do the same? The sexual experience here is something you can enjoy but it is also something that is a little private to him. As well as you connect and as much as you talk, there will always be things that he won't talk about. Everyone has their private stuff.

So yea. Figure out why you're not okay with this. I don't believe that feeling 'left out' is part of it. Even if I start getting laid every night, I will still probably look at porn and masturbate.

Are you certain you don't have any insecurity about him watching sex acts? No "am I not enough?" deep down inside?

Males are very visual hence most video porn targets males. Females are more process oriented, hence the boom in erotica without pictures and the continuous popularity of romance novels. Does he resent your Harlequins? Same thing.

By the way, sometimes guys don't masturbate to porn. Sometimes they just look for fantasies.

I agree Catsmine. It is a bit of a generalization. It could be stroke or fantasy. It just tends to be one over the other.

I'm 22, turning 23 in July. I've done a lot of thinking but I haven't quite been able to figure out what exactly bothers me so much. As far as deviance goes I'm not concerned that there is content that would make me uncomfortable - I know what his fetishes are and the kinds of porn he watches. I'm also pretty open and liberal when it comes to sex; I will try almost anything so I don't think it has anything to do with the content. We do the things he likes (and that I like) so it's also not that I feel I can't do a particular thing with him that he likes, so then he could only get it from porno therefore making me feel inadequate kind of thing. I'm also not concerned that he's comparing me to the models. I'm pretty comfortable with my body and I know he finds me very attractive, and I know that sexually I satisfy him (and then some!)

Maybe watching some porn with him would help, I don't know. I'm not sure it would. We've watched porn together a few times and both enjoy that; I'm not sure if I would gain a different perspective from doing that any more. I do feel left out in a way when he masturbates alone. Rationally I realize that I don't need to feel left out, and that he deserves to have privacy and deserves that time alone and to himself. I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel left out when he knows that I've masturbated. But the times I have felt uncomfortable have been when I came home and discovered that he had been looking at porn and masturbating while I was gone.

Catsmine, it may be rooted in an "Am I not enough?" feeling. I think part of me does feel that if I'm that sexy and satisfy him as much as I know I do then why does he want to look at porn? The problem is is I can answer these questions in my mind. I know that sex and satisfaction with me really has nothing to do with the porno; for him it is much more about the possibilities and fantasies of sex. They are independent of one another and I know this but my feelings are as if I see them as connected; that him watching porno is somehow doing something against me.

If I read Harlequins (which I don't but have enjoyed erotic literature from time to time) I don't think he would have an issue at all. And I'm trying to figure out why/where my mind goes to a different place, given this is the same type of situation as the porno thing except I have a problem with it while he would not.

Also he does masturbate to it, but I do realize that not everyone does.

Thank you both for your input - any further thoughts?

You seem to pretty much have it here. To paraphrase and maybe simplify. You know, rationally, that you sexually satisfy him. You also know, rationally, that he isn't going to porn because he is unsatisfied. The problem lies in the emotional end of things. You are emotionally unsure that you're satisfying him. You're emotionally drawing that cause and effect. Emotionally, you're beating yourself down because of it.

I don't know how you can change that to be honest. You know that your satisfy him. Hell, I could tell you that you're satisfying him with reasonable certainty. It isn't you. You don't need to worry about him straying. You don't need to worry about any of that. He is happy. At least as far as we can see.

You don't have worry about your BF wandering. He just wants a little 'Alone Time'. It isn't a reflection on you. He isn't going solo because he doesn't want to have sex with you, or that you're not giving him good sex.

I know I can say that all I want. You need to realize that on a emotional level.

Just how I see it, take it as you will.

I

What have you given up? He gave up porn, just letting you know it won't last too long. I say this because I talk to guys who "gave up porn" for their girls and then sooner than later they are sneaking it around like some sort of druggie-- it's sad.

My suggestion to you is that you "let him", just don't ask about it or try looking for it.

I bet you there is something you do that he doesn't like, for example you buy too many shoes, or have too much makeup.

I don't think he should give up porn. If your not okay with it and it's that big of a problem, well hunny I'm telling you, there are very few if any nice guys that don't watch porn at all. I don't know any. Do you?

I used to HATE porn, because honestly, I was hating myself because I didn't look like the girls on the videos. But it did take some time for me to say "okay" because I started watching porn, and I started enjoying it. Have you tried it (alone)? Maybe you should.

You know they get paid to do that, most of the time they don't even enjoy it. And when the sound isn't that great, the video editors take them out to the studio to redo the sex sounds--- ha!

So in short, how to get over it is just to let it happen, there is no spell or 3 steps to follow.

Every man does not watch porn and if they do, not all of them do it on a daily basis. Maybe that is what is bothering you. How long have you two been living together /dating?

I will say this, if something in the relationship really bothers you and you can't come to a solution, leave it!
Life is too short to be in a relationship where you are stressed and unhappy about something. If he says he will stop and hasn't, maybe he is addicted or maybe he is trying to bs you, I don't know, but you have the right to have deal breakers in a relationship. You have the right to have preferences and you have the right to walk away if deal breakers are there.
You don't have to give into anything you don't feel right about.

True, some look at billboards. Some look at car ads. Some have lunch at Hooters.

All guys look. Some are more discrete than others.

Thanks Craven. I think this really is what it is all about. I'm not sure how to realize that on an emotional level but I will work on it! Thank you for the insight.



Mudweiser, thank you for your perspective. I'm not sure if I've given up anything for him, but I would if he was uncomfortable enough with a habit of mine.

And I can honestly say with certainty that I'm not concerned about him eventually sneaking around and doing it behind my back. That is just not the type of relationship we have. We talk about our feelings when they come up. So if he were really finding that he wants to watch porn again he would talk to me about it first, because he knows that it's important to me and if it was something he really wanted to do then we would work on that together. I'm also not some naïve girlfriend who wants to just think that that's what he would do. Him and I are incredibly honest with each other. I talked to him yesterday about this whole issue and said that I'm not OK with not being OK with him watching porn, and he told me that he's really not concerned, and that it's something we can work through together. I mentioned that I'm concerned that this is a situation that could possibly foster some resentment towards me on his part, but he assured me that he doesn't have any feelings like that about the situation. He recognizes that it's something I'm working on and in the meantime he's just fine without it. And he wouldn't say those things if he didn't mean them.

Anyway I'm rambling, but my boyfriend really isn't a typical guy - we're both philosophy graduates, and his ethical foundation is solid. We don't lie or do anything that would undermine our relationship. If we find we're not happy with something, we talk about it - and we've discussed that if we find we're not happy on a deeper level and working on it doesn't help then we shouldn't be together. Doing something behind my back would totally undermine the relationship we've built together and would be pointless because I wouldn't be mad at all if he wanted to do it again and brought it up to me. Basically from where we both stand, doing something behind my back would only be detrimental to the relationship, as well as unnecessary. I'm pretty much just trying to sort out where exactly my discomfort comes from, and how I can work through it.

It really isn't that big of a problem, it's just something I'm trying to understand within myself and want to be able to work through. I don't want a guy that doesn't watch porn; I want to be a girl who is OK with her guy watching porn. I don't think he should have to give it up either (and I didn't make him, he made that choice himself and said it was something we could work through together). I also don't hate porn at all; I've watched it many times by myself and have enjoyed it. There are certain aspects of it that I believe can foster some negative attitudes or produce some unrealistic expectations but on the whole porno is something that in principle I'm really totally fine with.


Homegirl: I'm not sure that this is an issue for me. We've been dating for a year and 5 months, living together for 10 months… I don't really think about the fact that not all guys watch porn, so I don't think it really factors in to my feelings about this situation.

This really isn't a big deal at all in the grand scheme of things; it's something that's an ongoing issue within myself mostly and I want to be able to get over it in some way. It certainly isn't something that is affecting our relationship in any significant way - if anything it may have strengthened it, because my trust in him has solidified greatly and it has given us a chance to communicate on a deeper level and become closer because of it.

I completely agree with what you've said about relationships but I can honestly say I'm really happy with him, and he is with me as well. This is just one of our tiny speedbumps we've had to deal with and it really isn't a major issue to any extent.

Thanks everyone for commenting! I really do appreciate it.

Jocie777-

You and I must be twins. I am turning 23 in July as well.

I was dating a wonderful guy for 3.5 years and we just broke up 3 weeks ago to "figure ourselves out". Just like you, I really had no problem with porn in the past. He and I had an amazing, very open relationship, and a wonderful sex life... and we had sex a lot. But all of sudden a year ago I started getting really uncomfortable with my boyfriend watching porn. I asked him to stop and he promised he would. Then a few months later I found out he was still watching it, even though he had billions of pictures of me and 2 videos. I became furious. He claimed it was something part of his past and that it was an escape for him and said he would never touch it again so we kissed and made up, but that awful feeling of porn still remains in the pit of my stomach. In the last few weeks we've been trying to stay friends. But I keep dwelling on this porn thing and making him feel bad, even though he was the greatest boyfriend in every other respect. I have no idea what to do or how to deal with all these negative feelings. I am glad that there's other women out there who share the same issue as we do.

OK, so you were OK with it, it was fine for a while, but now it is not, he is not cheating, it is not effecting your sex life but now you want him to stop without any real reason??

What if he just said no, he likes it and wants to keep watching, what would you have done ? Most likely he has resented it, and I am sure this will come back in a big way over something small latter one when he starts thinking you are controlling what he does.

Is he getting to watch it at all ? Did you make compromise that he gets to watch it, but just with you together pehaps ?

Fr_Chuck: Basically, in the original conversation we had, I voiced to him the feelings I was having about knowing he was watching porn. We kind of probed the situation; he tried to get at where the feelings were really rooted. He said to me that he would stop watching it for the time being and we can work on/through it together. I didn't want him to stop (although I do feel better that he did, only in the sense that I no longer have to deal with the feelings it came along with). He offered to stop. I made it clear that I was uncomfortable imposing any sort of restriction of action on him and I even said he can continue watching it, because it is my problem, not his, but he said he hadn't even been watching it that much lately anyway and it's not something he needs or cares much about at all, therefore really not a big deal to give up.

So it's not like I demanded that he stop watching it. The reason he stopped was out of respect for my feelings towards the situation.
If he would have said no, he likes it and wants to keep watching, I would have said OK and found some way to deal with it. Because I really do want him to be able to do what he wants, but I can't help that it upsets me. I realize that him stopping, or if I had "made him stop", isn't a solution to the problem - the problem is my own insecurities and I want to find a way to deal with them, not create further problems by saying he can't do something. It was made clear at the time that it was up to him if he wanted to stop.

It also wasn't some passive-agressive thing on my part, something like saying "Oh sure, you can keep watching if you want" but then I would have actually just gotten pissed off if he had continued. My desire to not restrict him is greater than the negative feelings I would have had to deal with if he had continued.

At this point I would be pissed if I found out he was watching porn - only because it would be a breach of trust because he told me he had stopped, and especially because he doesn't need to breach my trust in order to watch it. I have told him that if he wants to continue then to tell me and we'll figure it out. I certainly would not be mad if he voiced that to me.

This is why I don't think any resentment is building on his part - it is a choice that he made, not a restriction I imposed on him. And he knows he is free to come to me if he has an interest in watching porn again, and that I won't be upset if he does. So it's not an issue of control.

As far as watching it goes I've said that I am totally OK with watching it together. We haven't as of yet but the option is there. He's been looking at the pictures we've taken and the videos we have. We've also started writing erotic stories for each other, which I know he finds to be a really good sexual outlet and we both enjoy a lot.

I hope that clarifies things for you. Thanks for posting!

I really don't understand why women have such a big problem with that. I mean honestly studies have shown that men who watch porn are more exciting and willing to try new things in the bedroom to please their women. I don't think it's that big of a deal. As long as he's not cheating on you or having video porn with another girl over the internet I don't see what's wrong with it.

I agree with the person above, have you tried it yourself?! Or even try it together you may like it. Most people find porn to be sexually stimulating and will make things much more exciting for the couple. It's not abnormal for your boyfriend to want to watch it. And most studies show that men who do are just trying to improve their bedroom performance for their women. It may feel weird or uncomfortable at first but I think once you experience it together you won't have such an issue with it.

Not many of us have the bodies of a porn star. He's obviously very into you and want's to be with you so don't think of it that way.

I haven't read through others posts but I just wanted to say a compromise would be good. Maybe watch porn together that way he enjoys himself and you don't feel left out!

If you have a problem with it, if it bothers you that much, talk to a professional and see if there is some underlying problem.
Personally I don't think there is necessarily something wrong with a woman if she does not like porn, it's not for everybody, but she should not force her dislike on her partner.

Look at it this way. Do you want any other person dictating what you can and can not do in YOUR life? Probibly not. Try to view it from that perspective. It will help you keep in mind that it can just as easily be something you do and enjoy that someone else takes offense to... and expects you to stop.

Basically... live your own life... the more time you divert worrying about what someone ELSE is doing... is less time you have to enjoy YOUR life.

Its all about perspectives... and keeping sight of the boundries of personal space. Yours as well as others. What YOU can demand... others have the right to demand of you too.

It might help you get your mind off a non-issue and back on something productive.

He's lying to you -still watching porn, I mean. Boyfriend told me the same bs and never showed any shame or guilt for having lied to me over and over for a year. I feel like an idiot for believing that any man previously accostumed to porn can ever give it up, willingly. At times, his penis will think harder that his head.. and he will enjoy the secretive porn-sessions.

He doesn't have to feel guilty and why should he, its his right to watch porn every bit as much as it is your right to watch soap operas or chick flicks. Its no more your right to dictate what he does, who he talks to or what he watches than it is right to do the same to you.

If YOU have insecurities... then that's your problem, not his. Own up to it and deal with it or you will never get over them and it WILL effect your life in the negative.

He's an adult, you aren't his mommy, owner, master or slave owner. And this applies equally if the genders are reversed.


Put a different way... if you have a phobia about lettuce. You can't demand every restaurant you visit take salads off the menu and take down the salad bar. You should be getting therapy about your fear of the evil lettuce leaf.

Did you read the entire thread? He has no reason to lie to her, because she knows it is her own insecurities that are causing the problem not his viewing habits.

If you would like advice about your own concerns and issues, please, start your own thread with the pertinent background information and we will do our best to help.