Let me first say that Im 34 and my bf is 33. We have both been married and divorced and both have children from those marriages.We have been together for about 1 1/2 years living together for the past 6 months or so. We have a great friendship and while the sex was never "fireworks", it has never been "bad"...or so I thought. I did notice that he didn't seem to be as into it as men I have been with in the past, but if you knew those men, well let's just say I havn't always had the best of luck in pickin' em! Anyways, for past several months it seems as if he has lost complete interest in having intercourse with me. I'll give him oral or a hand job and then its over. When I asked him about it the first time he told I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion and that sex isn't everything. So I let it go. As this continued, I became very self conscience, a little insecure thinking there was something wrong with me, so I brought it up again. First he tells me that he is just stressed out (yes, he is) and sex is the furthest thing from his mind. This time I pushed the issue a little more and he told me "Fine! You wanna know the truth? You were married to a black man (im white) and it grosses me out" Imagine my shock and hurt! I mean, if this was how he felt WHY didn't he tell me this before he told me he loved me, before we moved in together? When I asked him how he wanted me to react (i was SO hurt) he told me that he didn't mean it and that he was having some issues but was working on them and for me to patient. That was about 2 months ago...I have been patient. I havnt pushed him and no nothing has really changed. Then out of the blue this weekend he tell's me the same thing again. That I "disgust him" and that's why he doesn't want to have sex with me. This was Saturady night and I slept on the couch Sat and Sun night. I mean, hell if I disgust him why would he want me sleeping next to him? I asked him last night why he waited so long and he was too tired to talk about it...because we are both at work right now, we really havn't had an oppurunity to talk today either. Is he serious? Do I walk away from the otherwise perfect relationship because of my past? My stomach is sick and I can't think about anything else. Any thoughts or advice would help. Thanks.
Well, it seems to me that he is racist and i don't think counsrlling will help that type of behaviour, you mentioned that you have children are any of those kids from your ex-husband who was black? Gosh i hope not cause you dont need that type of negative energy around your children. Infact a home where racism lies is not a good enviornment for children period. So I don't think this relationship is perfect, think you better leave and move on with your life, sooner the better.
Had to spread the rep Liz, but that's an interesting question that maybe his issue has something to do with a previous lover.
OP, never be with anyone that will put you down. You can not allow your children to be around this kind of hatred. They will grow up thinking it is ok or (if they are bi-racial) begin hating themselves.
Get out because this is not a healthy relationship. In this situation I really don't think counseling will help because feelings of racism are not something that will go away with ... "And how does that make you feel?"
The fact is you will never feel comfortable with him at this point. You will always remember that he told you you're disgusting.
Please move on so that your children can see that mommy loves herself.
Been there,and done it.I was divorced and had a black boyfriend for about a year.Color didnt matter because he was giving me everything I needed.Or so I thought.The relationship didnt work out and we broke up.I made the mistake of telling my new boyfriend who is now my husband.He didnt like it.He said it was discusting.So my answer to him was eveyone is not perfect.It happened before I met him and I just told him that if that is what I wanted,then thats what I would be with.In time he got over it.How many women has he been with? Start telling him he's discusting because of certain things that you dont like.Tell him that if he cant meet your needs then its no good and that you dont think you would have trouble finding someone that will meet your needs.I dont know of any man that would not have sex with any women.Maybe he doesnt want it with you because he's getting it somewhere else and he's using that as an excuse.
Don't waste your time with this guy. He's obviously a racist. He's says sex is no big deal after you've "taken care" of HIM. Find someone, regardless of color, that will treat you like a lady and accept you for you. Good luck and GOD bless.
My BF knows I had a black boyfriend before him and all he cared about was did the guy treat me well.
I find it incredible that this issue is being brought up after such a long time.It is also very suspicious to me and I wonder if it is not same lame excuse.
If you children are bi-racial this is a horrible example for them and I would be concerned how he feels and acts toward them.
I have never know a racist to change their view,sad to say.
Perhaps there is a way to make him understand we are people first but I don't know how you would go about that.Sensitivity training?
I think for him to throw you this curve ball at such a late date is suspicious ,I think there is something more going on here.I think he has another agenda that you aren't aware of.
I think he's hiding something, and the quickest way to shut down a conversation is to say the most hurtful thing you can think of to stop the communication.
When he said, "you disgust me", that knocked you on your derrierre. You don't disgust him enough for a BJ or a hand job. What's the deal with that.
He is up to something, and you need to confront him, and not accept riduculous excuses to knock you off balance.
Don't let him turn this around on you. Counter his statements with direct questions, and get to the bottom of it.
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