Hello, everyone. This is my first time posting on here and I normally don't tell strangers about my problems but I figured it would be easier to do this and get unbiased advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for close to three years and living with him for a little over a year. We have had many trials and tribulations, but, for the most part, things have been good. We get along, but almost if I swallow my feelings and talk only about superficial things. Sometimes, we have good conversations, but for the most part, he's always working, so I just do things by myself.

He is soon to be 25 and I'm 27 years old. I have never dated a younger man before. When we first started dating, things were great. But his age showed when all he wanted to do was party with his friends and drink himself to death. Not only that, but he would lie to me about it because he didn't want to deal with me being upset by it. We got over that hump and he's been more of a homebody than when we first started dating. Here's the clincher: we hardly ever have sex! I practically have to beg him. Now, I know some of you may think, Well, maybe he's cheating. I guess you never know, but I just feel like he's not doing that at all. He says he's busy with work and that he'll get past this stage. But, I feel like the way he conveys that to me, he is basically rejecting me and it hurts me deeply and saddens me. I am, by no means, unattractive. In fact, not to sound narcissistic, but many men find me extremely attractive. The only time, lately, that we have sex is when we both go out and get drunk together. I am a very sexual woman and also adventurous. I just don't feel that it's fair that when HE wants it, I have to give it. I usually give in, because, as aforementioned, I enjoy sex. Also, he looks at porn and it makes me so mad that the day before, he rejects me, but then I find out that he masturbated the very next day. I use a vibrator, but that is really starting to get boring. I don't want to cheat on him... I really don't. I do want to be with him, but I don't know how much longer I can be patient. Right now, I'm not financially stable enough to move out... not that I'm using him for shelter. But, I guess I would like to think that there's hope.

Please give your thoughts and advice concerning this matter. Has this happened to anyone else out there?

Some men have very different sex drives just becaue he isn't have sex as much as you'd like doesn't mean he is cheating I really doubt it.

And I think that he can only really relax with you when he is drunk and he seems to have more fun. If your guys sex drive is so different just try talking to him and work out something. It's a very common thing.

Make a time and find out when its good let him know that this bothers you and from there you guys can make a choice

You don't cheat on someone because there not giving you something you break it off and then you find someone else you don't leech off someone just because you don't have money

But you know this so that's a very good sign :)

Now don't worrie about it :)

You'll be fine

Let me see , he has a drinking problem and looks at porn. Well that sort of gives you the problem right there, addiction to porn normally gives a wrong idea of the value of women and correct sexual expression. Give to that his drinking problems,

so get him drunk all the time, or get him professonal help and counseling for both of you as a couple

Talk and listen, as you two have to have the means to honestly express yourselves to each other, so you can resolve the issues between you, through working together to both your benefits. I don't see that with you two, as sex problems, are usually just a symptom of unresolved problems in other areas, of the relationship. Counseling or a pastor, trained in couples counseling, can help guide you through the process of communicating better, but the drinking , seems to cause a lot of problems in itself. That may need to be addressed as well so some calm conversations are much needed, between the two of you.

I have tried to talk to him rationally, but it doesn't work. He hates to talk about feelings, emotions, etc. etc. From a man's point of view, how would u want to be approached about it? I feel myself becoming more and more distant with him and I just don't think he cares enough to do anything about it, even though he says that he does care...

Actually I have the same problem with my significant other of a year. I did some reading, and it helps me understand him. I just haven't found a solution to the problem. Right now, sadly, we get drunk together to have sex which is killing me. Im not a woofer either. Men always hit on me even in front of him and I only have eyes for him and he knows it. It seems the only time he wants me is when he is drunk. But yeah. Read up on Love Addiction. Your man and mine both fit a profile. Actually it says a lot about you and I that we choose to be in relationships with men like this. They may be wonderful men except for their quirks, but, were also part of the problem.
Please read. Very fascinating here look http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/02/typical-kinds-of-love-addicts-susan.html

US
"Obsessed Love Addicts (OLAs) cannot let go, even if their partners are:
Unavailable emotionally or sexually; afraid to commit; cannot communicate; unloving; distant; abusive; controlling and dictatorial; ego-centric; selfish; or addicted to something outside the relationship (hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, someone else, gambling, shopping etc.)

Torch Bearers are ALAs who obsess about someone who is unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some torch bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions. It is also known as unrequited love.

THEM
Narcissistic Love Addicts (NLAs) use dominance, seduction and withholding to control their partners. Unlike codependents, who accept a lot of discomfort, narcissists won�t put up with anything that interferes with their happiness. They are self-absorbed and their low self-esteem is masked by their grandiosity. Furthermore, rather than seeming to obsess about the relationship, NLAs appear aloof and unconcerned. They do not appear to be addicted at all. Rarely do you even know that NLAs are hooked until you try to leave them. Then they will no longer be aloof and uncaring. They will panic and use anything at their disposal to hold on to the relationship -including violence. Many professionals have rejected the idea that narcissists can be love addicts. This may be because they rarely come in for treatment. However, if you have ever seen how some narcissists react to perceived or real abandonment, you will see that they are indeed "hooked."

Ambivalent Love Addicts (ALAs suffer) from avoidant personality disorder,or what SLAA calls emotional anorexia. They don't have a hard time letting go, they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. ALAs come in different forms too. They are listed below.

Seductive Withholders are ALAs who always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become frightened, or feel unsafe, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection - anything that makes them feel anxious. If they leave the relationship when they become frightened, they are just Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable, they are seductive withholders.

Good luck to you. Continue reading and talking about it I know it helps. Smiles Hugs Lucy

Thank you that was very helpful. It actually reinforckced what I already knew. Back to CODA for me!
Christine