I am 35 and married to a 58 year old man. We have been together for 8 months. When we first got together we had sex every day, sometimes twice. It was great and it meant alot to us both, I thought? About 4 months ago it happened for the first time.... it wouldnt stay hard. Of course i felt it had to be my fault, isn't that how it goes? We have slowly went to only having sex twice a month and now he has gotten a perscription of Viagra to even do that. All the fun has been taken out of it for me as now it seems like a planned event. I don't get the reaction I feel I need when I try to discuss this with him, so I have decided to discuss it with someone else, make sence?

Fr_Chuck

So he is 58 and perhaps a few health issues, and SO he neds viagra, many of us do for various medical reasons, And to be honest you should be loving the result of the viagra, it should make him perform like he was 20 again, if he is not "up" for 3 or more times he needs to check the dosage or type he is using, Some other types work better than viagra.

If he did not love you, he would not be doing the trouble to get it.

Most likely he is (ashamed) that he has to use it, for me it is the best thing to happen to me, heck I was never as good even when I was 20 as I am when I use that wonderful blue pill, I have a much younger wife now myself and to be honest, she wishes I had started those pills years ago.

And to be honest, while some sex is last minute, someone normally has sex on thier mind and again it takes about 30 minutes, a hour at the most for it to start taking effect, heck good foreplay will be last long anyway. So when things start, he should be able to pop a pill, continue with some foreplay and by the time it is time to start, he should be too.

Credendovidis

No it does not make much sense. What do you actually expect from your husband?
He is 58. He has a problem. He uses Viagra to try to sort the problem out.
But now he has a whining wife for whom lust seems more important than mutual love.
Did you not foresee the possibility for this problem to occure, with your 23 years difference in age?
Where is your empathy for his (ego) problems? Why not get a super-charged vibrator to satisfy your own feelings of lust, and approach your hubby in the meantime more understanding? Do you think he likes it this way? Your enforced demand to "discuss this" merely will result in his sexual performance to decrease even more due to pure frustration.
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What is wrong with hugging and cuddling each other frequently to keep the relationship healthy? There should be more to marriage than mainly penal penetration ...

kp2171

i understand your frustration, but mixed feelings on this one. has anything changed concerning his health? stress? blood pressure? heart? sleep? etc... lots of reasons why he can experience ED, even if things were going well before.

you should not feel guilty one bit about talking to him about this. open communication with egos left at the door is best. unfortunately, is easier to say that sometimes than to do it. bedroom issues can have a negative cascading effect... meaning a little frustration often begets a lot more frustration.. the physical block creates a mental block, which increases the physical block. ugly, ugly cycle.

so you are walking on eggshells. on one hand, it is absolutely healthy to talk about sex, what is right and what is wrong. and on the other, bringing up reality is hard to hear. you arent the victim and hes not the victim. you both are struggling through this, though in different ways.

i wish you didnt see ED drugs as negatively as you do. i understand you dislike the "planning" needed. ok. thats kind of how life goes sometimes. i dont use ED drugs, but i have a kid in the house. talk about a complete lack of spontaneous sex when you want it. doesnt matter if i have the fireplace on, a bottle of red opened, and the big soft blanket spread on the floor by the fire. unless i plan a way to get the boy out of the house for the night, theres no getting naked by the fire. i miss the spontaneity of sex whenever you want... but i live here in this context. its ok. i willing to do the work to have the best sex life i can, even if its not convenient.

the ED drug is all about blood flow. it isnt about lack of desire. it isnt about you. he needs proper blood flow to erectile tissues. period. the drug works by blocking a natural enzyme that prevents erections.

a 2006 medical study gave men viagra for 12 weeks and then switched them to cialis for 12 weeks... and then asked them which med they preferred. over 70% preferred cialis, largely due to the much larger window of action (up to 36 hours versus 4 or 5 hours for viagra)... giving the men more time and less pressure to find the right moment.

the study did not claim that cialis was a better drug (its action is similar to viagra, it just has a longer half life, meaning it stays in the body longer before being excreted or metabolized) though some cited quality of erections were a reason for choosing the drug as well as time... but it did state that it seems having a greater window might have psychological benefits that amplify the experience.

if a man is less pressured about time, less stressed, has better self esteem and confidence... well that always helps improve sex, whether you are on an ED drug or not.

so... maybe thats one way to talk to him about this. dont get down on him about the use of the drug. maybe with some "wins" and positive interactions he can find good form again without med use. but you can talk to him about cialis versus viagra perhaps?

does your husband have any health issues, especially heart conditions? has he told you about any experienced side effects? common effects can be headache, stomach pain, abnormal heat rate.

do you both exercise? the healthier he is, the better his chances of having a more responsive body, not to mention the perks of boosted self image. so if he isnt active, any way you two can find an excercise routine to do together? join a gym? take a dance class? hike or walk?

also... do you have any books on sensual touch, massage, or sex? finding an interesting book and then sharing it with your partner is a good way to keep both people thinking about sexual intimacy. a classic way this is done in my house is if she or i find an interesting read or article, we will leave it on the office desk where the other partner is likely to see it. more often than not, the my partner or i will always pick it up and check it out. a simple, passive way to suggest something without demanding a change.

just some thoughts.