Hi all,

New member here and a bit nervous, but getting some answers anonymously might help to put my mind at east.

As you maybe guessed from the title, I'm having a problem with my relationship; specifically the sex part. My girlfriend is 20 and I am 27, and have been in a serious relationship for over four months now. We met over a year ago, and when we met it was a highly sexual, non-emotional relationship. Neither of us were ready for a relationship at that time, so after about six weeks, she decided to call it off; despite the fact I felt like I was falling in love with her. A few months went past, and we decided we missed each other a lot and that we wanted to be together. She realised how much she liked me and how much she missed me.

We fell in love, and after four months we are very emotionally close to each other. We do everything together, spend a lot of quality time with each other but we both have mutual respect for each others space if we want to do other things. We tell each other we love each other every day, we are romantic, we spend every weekend together, we go out to the pub together, she loves my friends and I get on really well with her friends. We go to church when we can together on a Sunday, so our connection is almost on a spiritual level too. Sometimes I surprise her with little gifts to make her feel wanted and special, occasionally I have splashed out a little and got her something cute. Sometimes she does the same for me. We talk often, a few times a day on the phone at work; and usually have dinner together at my place (she lives with her parents). I was off ill for a while and she stayed with me to look after me; she cooked and cleaned as I wasn't able to and went and got my shopping a couple of times. I really feel truly loved by this girl.

We kiss, hug, hold hands, touch, put our arms around each other all the time, every day. So in a nutshell, our love, romance and companionship couldn't really be any better. I have my own place, and she's here most days; so there is no pressure from anyone and we have total privacy.

However, sex is rare. She knew after a few weeks of getting back together that I was wanting to have sex with her (she's gorgeous, and I always tell her how beautiful, attractive and sexy she is). However, she said she "just wasn't ready". I accepted this and just let the weeks go by.

Now, we have sex about once every 7 to 10 days, so we have sex on average about three times a month at the most - always initiated by me. The times when we've had sex, she's been drunk after we've been out - which makes me feel a bit bad about myself, but I suspect it reduces her inhibition? When we have had sex, she screams the house down - I always make her climax and she says I'm "awesome" in bed. I must admit, my sex drive is high. I'd like to have sex 3 to 4 times per week, but I know she doesn't want to, so I don't try. I've tried a few different ways to suggest we have sex: I always wait until a more appropriate time, I will maybe kiss her gently on the neck a few times, touch her hair and whisper to her "do you want to come with me to bed?" - I've also tried being a bit more "caveman" and spontaneous with her, I've tried sending her little cheeky text messages throughout the day with suggestive undertones leading to something later that night, I've tried romantic dinners and cozy nights in with some wine. All of these tactics fail.

Sadly though, the lack of sex and her unwillingness to have sex have led to us having a "heavy discussion" (don't want to say "argument", because it was more of an upset discussion on the problem). She cried and said that sex is just "not on the radar" for her just now, but that she's feeling bad about herself because she doesn't satisfy me sexually and wishes she could (even though I don't pressure her like that). She's scared I'm going to leave her for someone "more in the mood" than her (I've obviously reassured her).

Contraception wise, she recently started the injection (depo provera) which has made our sex life hit rock bottom. Now, sexual touching is off the radar completely. She's not interested in sex at all, doesn't want it at all, doesn't want to touch me sexually, doesn't want to be touched sexually. I know that this is down to the injection, but it's starting to make me unhappy having absolutely no sexual contact.

We've talked about it a lot and in depth; I asked her simply if she didn't fancy me, if she was going off me to which she laughed and said "of course not! I still really fancy you!". I asked her if I wasn't attractive anymore, and if so, it might be best to be honest about how we felt about each other - again she reassured me that it's not me, and that I am still very attractive to her. I also asked her if she maybe had feelings for someone else, to this she got angry and said that there wasn't anyone else and that she really truly loved me.

She just simply doesn't want sex often, and since the injection, not at all. I'm lucky our relationship is so good in other areas, so I'm prepared to wait and work on this - but can anyone offer any advice on what to do about this or what's going on? I'm terrified she's going off me, or has gone off me and will end up terminating the relationship. I just can't seem to turn her on regardless of how great things are going. People say that sex is a good barometer of a relationship, but I'm not so sure.

The only things worth noting is that she has gained a little bit of weight over the year, and she's very self conscious of herself and is not happy with her body (regardless of what I tell her). Her self-esteem is quite low as a result. Additionally, she does seem quite tired a lot of the time.

Any advice welcome.

Hi fly,

My opinion is that your girlfriend is too young for you. The difference between 20 and 27 in terms of maturity and life experience is HUGE. In addition, there is another problem. She seems to have separated "love" from "sex" in her mind, sex being dirty and done when drunk or done impersonally... love being warm and fuzzy emotions all noble and pure.

I don't see any hope for this relationship being successful as a sexual relationship. Are you willing to move on and date older women? You can remain friends with this girl, I would think, just not as intense as your are relating now.

Beat wishes going forward on life's journey!

I love her too much to let her go over this - although sex for me is a "need" and not a "would like to" which she is well aware of.

I've dated older girls who wanted sex regularly, they loved sex; but there was no emotion in it for me. I am a little different from your typical man; I want an emotional relationship and love in addition to sex, otherwise sex for me is pretty pointless - I'd prefer to masturbate.

Do you think it's something that will change / improve with time? She acknowledges there is a problem and has agreed to come off the contraceptive injection and to also speak to a doctor about her low libido.

I think you would have to be prepared to invest a lot of time with no guarantee of a positive outcome. You would have to decide if that is worth it for you. :)

Yeah I guess so.

On balance, I much prefer a loving and caring relationship more than a purely sexual one. It's taken me quite some time to find a girl I feel this close to emotionally.

If all the other areas of your life is as good as you say, then you need not put pressure on her for your so called needs. Nor put blame on her low sex drive, whether its because of the meds, or just the way she feels. Don't let a lack of sex drive, translate into a lack of love or caring. However, just my opinion, since you don't live together, you need to balance your whole life, and see this as a friendship, and not a relationship. She is not ready for the same things you are, and even though you click on many levels, you both are not willing to work together, to the benefit of both, so recognise that the complete package is not there, and act accordingly. If no compromise can be reached, then it will stop the growth between you, and leave resentments. Either rearange the level of commitment, or rearange the level of the relationship.

This is quite the same position that I am in. Except I'm younger than him and he's the one with low sex drive.

The only advice I really have is maybe the next time you do have sex, maybe make a video (only if she agrees of course). You may want to stress to her that it will only be for your viewing pleasures. Then maybe at some random times, pop the movie in, chances are it will arouse her a lot more than you'd expect. I have a couple little clips on my phone that I randomly send to him right around the time he's supposed to be home and that seems to spark a bit of his low sex drive. Also in my experience most girls that are self-concious do not enjoy the idea of their significant other using other "visual stimulation" besides themselves.

In my opinion, what I don't know doesn't hurt me. If he wants to look at a dirty magazine than I don't care as long as I'm not around and as long as I don't hear about it. Same with videos. BUT as far as topless bars, sorry but that's a no go for me. He respects that. It's just too real and a lot of those women (I know quite a few strippers) can be pretty "outgoing" if you catch my drift.

Good luck with this. And if you can't turn her on by your own videos (or pictures) then use them to pleasure yourself and maybe let her watch. That's a pretty big turn on for me but then again I am the one that has the high sex drive.

Good points and thanks very much for your input :).

Whilst we don't officially live together, we very nearly do live together and enjoy that time a lot. I understand your point about friendship, but it really feels much, much deeper than friendship in that there is a deep romantic love there that is just being tested by the reduced volume of sex. She calls me "The One", we've known each other over a year and she says she's very in love with me.

As for working together, she has acknowledged that there is an issue present and she wants to work together on it - she decided that the contraceptive injection was not for her and that she will not renew it in January, then see what happens when her hormonal cycle returns. I told her I would not mention it again until we see how things go then - we agreed that any doctor would say "come off the injection, then see how you feel". It's her body after all, and she has been more than willing to try hormonal contraception.

I got some advice from female family members who were quick to point out that women are "not sex machines" and that every woman goes through a loss of libido at some stage. I've looked up a lot of info on the web on depo provera, and there is a large populous of women who said that depo provera has totally ruined their sex lives. For example:

NO LIBIDO while on pill - Aphrodite's Discussion Forums

And:

depo-provera: Side effects, ratings, and patient comments

A few testaments of this drug:

I have decided after feedback from here, that we both are in love and I will stand by her and be patient with her. We have a brilliant life together otherwise, I refuse to become that jerk of a pressuring boyfriend to her, I will not allow this to break us down. If it's still the same in 6 months time, then we can deal with it down the line; I'm not throwing this away because I'm only having sex every 7-10 days and want more. I need to understand her needs as well as mine too - she's not feeling good about herself just now, and her cycle/hormones are all over the place; I should be a stronger person for her I feel.

The fly you need a women's opinoin and here it is I don't think that you should force it sex just happens when it should you can't rush her and she is young so maybe she just isn't ready I mean 20 years old and your 27 your on totally different levels of life experience and maturity you know where I'm coming from?

Your female is very lucky. We have many who come here that rather leave their partner than work. Real men/Women, stay for better or worse, sickness and health. No matter what. You are a real man.

It's DEPO! That stuff can be great, or really really bad. My libido did not change while on it, but I gained 45 pounds in 3 months. I think you're right to continue to be close to her. That kind of relationship doesn't happen often enough in our lives to lose it over sex. Give her 9-12 months to get normal again too.

I wonder if she is faking the orgasms? I know, guys always know, yeah right! There is absolutely no way to tell if she is faking it (especially if she's drunk.) She loves you and wants you to think you're a tiger. The fact that you've "failed" is not something she wants you to know. However, if DEPO has affected her hormones, even faking it seems like a waste of time and another mess to clean up. Women who have great sex lives rarely behave as if it's a "favor." Without orgasms, sex for women is boring, messy, smelly, frequently painful and a waste of time! I could be wrong! Just wanted to put in my two cents and my many years of wild experience.

I don't mind reddies but be at least explain the darn things, or don't use 'em. Then you have the nerve to agree after that. Gimme a break!

Perhaps, but unlikely. The reason I suspect she isn't, is because:

1) her pupils dilate like you wouldn't imagine
2) she gets a red rash across her chest, face, neck and back
3) I can feel her "tighten" around my penis when she reaches it
4) since on depo (where the sex life has really gone down hill and orgasms seem more tricky), she's been honest and admitted "i'm not going to have an orgasm this time baby"

It's not the vocal noises that make me think she's orgasming, it's all the physiological clues - unless those are faked too, but well done to her if it is! :)

Edit: I might add, don't think it's a case of "she has to get drunk, or very out-of-it to have sex", I'm sorry if I've given that impression. It's just that she's much more receptive to it after we've been out in town accompanied by drinking, or been out together dancing. Perhaps a night of romance, dancing and kissing is what it takes to get her in the mood, and an episode of CSI with a hot water bottle isn't - if you see what I mean by this?

I suspect there's something in her childhood or past relationships that is at least partly responsible for her lack of interest. It could be buried so deep she isn't even aware of it. Couples therapy might help. Just guessing here. You're a good man. Hang in there.

There's something that I forgot to add to my situation and I feel like a bit of a fool for not mentioning it before (although I was worried about her seeing this) because this might have a lot to do with it, but when I first brought up the issue of sex with her and wondering why she wasn't interested; she broke down into tears and hung onto me for dear life. She explained that sex makes her really nervous because of one night last summer (before we met), she was returning to her friends house when a man approached her and tried to be "forceful" with her. She screamed and he ran as people came to her attention. She says ever since then, it's something she's always been nervous about - not so much disinterested - but nervous.

You did say that you dated before right and then split? And that's when things got serious when you got back together right?

Did this happen between the times you dated? If so that might explain her great interest at first and not much now.

You said that the relationship is a lot more serious. How serious, like spending the rest of your life together serious or just more than it used to be. If it is the first, maybe she is thinking, hey I've got the rest of my life to have sex with this man. BUT... Like a wise man once told me "Are you going to look back when you are old and say 'man I wish I have had less orgasms' "

That would probably be a no. But if you leave her (which I in no way suggest) you will always look back and ask yourself what would've happened if we stayed together.

If the reasoning behind her low sex drive is what you mentioned above then that is a very traumatic experience and even if she doesn't seem like she is very affected by it doesn't mean that she doesn't suffer from it inside.

I agree with ordinaryguy, try couples therapy. You love her and she loves you. And this will help build your relationship as you find out more about each other.

Good luck,
Emily

Well, this is good news, actually, because it means that a good counselor can probably help her a lot.

Whoa---4 months, and you're wondering why she's nervous and not giving it up? Especially since it's a "need" for you?

Honey--she's TWENTY! Sex is a possible life-destroyer at 20! Especially after only 4 months! Pregnancy, STDs, the whole shebang! And after ONLY 4 months, she doesn't know whether you're in it for the long haul, yet! Patience!

As far as the depo goes--yes, that could be a problem. She needs to talk to her gynecologist about it. And then YOU need to use condoms, EVERY TIME. And don't give me the "they're uncomfortable, I don't enjoy it as much, they ruin the mood" crap, either. PREGNANCY ruins the mood like nothing else! Plus--if she was willing to gain weight and have her hormones messed with, the LEAST you can do is slip on a rubber!

Next--she very well COULD be faking it.
1. There are multiple reasons for possible dilation of the pupils.
2. Red rash could just be from the exertion of sex--or from hyperventilating/holding her breath.
3. Ever hear of Kegels?
4. Not being in the mood to begin with (possibly because of Depo) makes it a heck of a lot easier to not go through the effort of faking it.

How do I know? Before my husband, I faked it EVERY TIME. Not a single guy ever knew. Porn is more helpful than you think, and so is the internet! Guys think they've "failed" when they can't get their woman off--and women think something is wrong with them when they can't get themselves off.

That being said--do NOT confront her with this. It will just cause an argument.

I highly suggest she see a counselor, and that she see her gynecologist as well.

I ALSO highly suggest that you try to lay off ANY pressure for sexual intimacy for a while (like, say--a MONTH) and see what SHE says. There's nothing like too much pressure to have sex to make you NOT want it.

A gem of wisdom, this is. I see it in ornate needlepoint, nicely framed.

Her low libido can be brought on by stress, depression, hormone imbalance, medication. Many things. I know you probably feel insecure that it has something to do with you, just like this is no doubt taking a toll on her. She herself is probably wondering what the heck is wrong with her. Besides those factors I listed above, she could possibly just have a low libido. Some people just do. Maybe you could read this book, and if you don't get anything out of it, it's rather funny. "I'd Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido" by Joan Sewell. My suggestion that you two communicate all of this, and also I would recommend she talk to her doctor. That would probably be the best bet. Good luck. You two are really lucky to have each other. :)