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    jackson5's Avatar
    jackson5 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 21, 2009, 10:22 AM
    Is my girlfriend BI? Why would she Lie?
    So the quick question is My GF Bi? I have asked her and she says no... "I love the cock" is her standard reply. There is a lot of background (I feel) to understanding this completely...
    My girlfriend was sexually abused by her father when she was a teen. Her father kissed her and touched her once. That's all it takes. As a teen my girlfriend dated women. So I said you BI then. She replied with no. "I have never let a women go down on me." I said fine. She says she is only attracted to beauty. When she sees a beautiful women she feels compelled to them. Though, she has gone down on a women. She also makes out with women. To me this sounds like she's BI. She still holds that she is not. Her relationships with women were all in High school. She does still enjoy making out with women today though. My GF doesn't see the value in kissing. I jokingly call her the kissing whore. She talks about this guy that she kissed and that guy. She just likes kissing is what she says. Not a big deal to me. Before my time. I feel that she holds this view because she was abused - speculation... I should note that I am only the 5th guy she has had sex with. At 26 that is really rare, especially since she is very sexual and in my opinion a 10. Three of the four relationships she's had have all been long term (2+ yrs). And two of these guys are still friends. I feel this is again is another byproduct of her abuse...

    We have been together 6 months now. We went out this weekend partying. We were dancing on a pole at a club and other girls joined us. One of them started dancing with my GF while I was dancing behind her too. My GF starting getting really physical with her. Dancing up on her, pulling her hair, etc. So I pulled her away. I have always questioned her sexuality and this has really brought it back to light. I could see that if I did not pull her away, my GF and this other would have started making out. My GF got upset saying that she was having fun. Later, she said that it was just to turn me on. I said it didn't turn me on and I didn't like it one bit and it was upsetting me. If she has attraction to another women and she makes out with her in my book that's cheating. To make her understand I asked her how would she feel if I made out with a man in front of her. She got the point, but I still question weather or not she is BI. If she is there is a different set of rules that apply to our relationship. Maybe she doesn't value kissing because of the abuse in her life? To me there was an obvious attraction to the women on the dance floor. Why would she lie? In 6 months we have never gone out without the other. I am worried that her lackadaisical approach to women with me is so that that she can have them on the side when she does go out with out me. Her defense is a women has never gone down on her but yet women have fingered her in the past. Should I scratch this and move on? Thoughts?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #2

    Sep 21, 2009, 10:47 AM

    Cheating is cheating---but you have to sit down with her and DEFINE what cheating is for the two of you and your relationship.

    There is no separate set of rules based on sexual orientation.

    There are separate rules for every relationship, rather.

    So... tell her that YOU feel it's cheating if she persists in this behaviour, and that you can't be in a relationship with her if she doesn't work with you on this.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #3

    Sep 21, 2009, 11:12 AM
    You need to set your boundaries with her. You need to tell her what is and isn't acceptable behavior to you. Take it from there. If she has problems with that then you may need to discuss her sexuality or move on.
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    earthmama Posts: 15, Reputation: 4
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    #4

    Sep 21, 2009, 11:20 AM
    Personally, I think that she would "lie" about being attracted to women because she doesn't want conflict between you. She obviously knows that it upsets and disgusts you. Good luck to both of you.
    jackson5's Avatar
    jackson5 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Sep 21, 2009, 11:38 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by 88sunflower View Post
    You need to set your boundaries with her. You need to tell her what is and isn't acceptable behavior to you. Take it from there. If she has problems with that then you may need to discuss her sexuality or move on.
    If she is BI ( she claims not to be) then I am NOT OK with her touching and making out with other women. That is cheating. If she is not BI and is just her being silly then I don't care if she dances dirty with women when I am around. It is all based on her sexuality which she seems to be confused on, or does not want to tell me. Trust me I have asked, that is why I am here to see what others think. If she is BI why wouldn't she just tell me? She spent all her high school days in question of being BI. The fact that she has been with women in the past makes me feel that I should not allow any of it. After the other night I told her I would not be okay with her kissing other women because she has been with women before and she agreed with that.

    Society says men are suppose to be excited when they find that their girlfriend is bi, bi curious. I find this is not the case. I see this as my girlfriend giving affection to someone else. Gender is irrelevant. Society says I am suppose to enjoy this but I am finding this hard to swallow.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #6

    Sep 21, 2009, 11:52 AM
    Though it seems more socially acceptable for a woman to be bi, some bisexual women have hang-ups about it. She may not be bi. She may be acting out against what happened in the past.

    Has she gotten counseling for the abuse? I get the feeling that there was more than the kiss and touch. That may be the physical extent, however, there may be some psychological abuse that she may not have admitted even to herself.

    That said, you (plural) need to sit down and discuss where the boundaries are. They need to be set where you both can live within them. Be careful that you don't sound like a parent during the discussion. You are equals in the relationship. You should be able to talk about concerns without dictating terms to one another.

    I wouldn't worry about the exes. I would be concerned about being viewed as Daddy.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #7

    Sep 21, 2009, 12:02 PM

    So to YOU, the rules would change according to whether she is bisexual.

    That's pretty unfair---no WONDER she denies it (if it's even true!). I'd deny it too, knowing that that's your stance on it.

    YOU need to decide what is and isn't acceptable behaviour for a relationship with YOU. THEN you need to communicate those standards to your girlfriend.

    If the two of you can't come to an agreement on where the line is, then your relationship is doomed, and you may as well move on.
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #8

    Sep 21, 2009, 12:08 PM

    We can't tell you if she's bi or not. She says she isn't, so that's all you can really go on.

    That being said, it sounds like she's afraid of admitting her sexuality, and of commitment. It is not at all uncommon for someone to find it difficult to admit, even to themselves, that they are something other than straight.

    The fact that she sees nothing wrong with making out with other people when she's in a relationship says, to me, that she's afraid of commitment. How long a relationship lasts means basically nothing. The important part is how emotionally involved she allows herself to be. It sounds like she's purposely keeping her distance. Kissing other people is a way to prove, to herself, that the relationship isn't that important to her, regardless of how she really feels. My guess is that the other relationships ended when she could no longer lie to herself.

    Sit down and talk to her. Explain that it bothers you and why. Hear her side of things. Go from there.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #9

    Sep 21, 2009, 12:09 PM
    If she is bi, then you don't like how she is with other women.
    If she is straight, then your OK with her ways around other women.
    You need to decide what your OK with. First decide if you like it or not. If you don't, from what your saying, then it doesn't matter what she is. Don't tolerate it. If you don't want her doing it, even in a playful fashion, then don't tolerate it. She needs to respect that. If she can't then she maybe hasn't come to terms with her sexuality yet and she needs to be left alone to explore it.
    jackson5's Avatar
    jackson5 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Sep 21, 2009, 01:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Cat1864 View Post
    Though it seems more socially acceptable for a woman to be bi, some bisexual women have hang-ups about it. She may not be bi. She may be acting out against what happened in the past.

    Has she gotten counseling for the abuse? I get the feeling that there was more than the kiss and touch. That may be the physical extent, however, there may be some psychological abuse that she may not have admitted even to herself.

    That said, you (plural) need to sit down and discuss where the boundaries are. They need to be set where you both can live within them. Be careful that you don't sound like a parent during the discussion. You are equals in the relationship. You should be able to talk about concerns without dictating terms to one another.

    I wouldn't worry about the exes. I would be concerned about being viewed as Daddy.
    I don't believe she has ever gotten any counseling for the abuse. In addition to her dad molesting her, he was also physically and verbally abusive. Her mother also used to tie her up and lock her in the closet for days at a time. It hurts to write it even. I have not recommended that she seek help. I did recommend that she press charges against her father for the molestation. That said, she is a very strong women and able to talk about her past openly which I took as her being over her past. There are no real red flags that I see. Knowing her past does make me think over the details of our relationship more critically though. To date, she is the most confident women that have ever dated (20-30+?? ). What would be the signs of her viewing me as daddy? I do find it important to note that she is scared of her dad (in my opinion) which I have viewed from her phone conversations with him. Because of the abuse (which does not occur anymore 10+ yrs) I told her she needs to move out of her parents house. This is not an easy task and she has refused because of her culture (Hispanic). In the Hispanic culture (this is my understanding anyway) women do not move out unless its with their husband. She moved out for five years of college and moved back after college. Would this be a red flag in your opinion? She does want to move out when she can buy her own place. Until then, she's living at home (definitely not with me at this point).

    She is a wonderful women and wonderful girlfriend. We have a very close and intimate relationship. She has not cheated and has not kissed anyone else but me since we have been together. I never have had to consider a same gender issues before and didn't see this as boundary setting until the other night.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #11

    Sep 21, 2009, 01:32 PM
    I can't believe I am reading this. She won't press charges? My god I can't even spank my kid and crap like this happens. I can't stop thinking of a poor helpless girl tied up in a closet. Bringing tears to my eyes.
    jackson5's Avatar
    jackson5 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Sep 21, 2009, 01:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 88sunflower View Post
    If she is bi, then you dont like how she is with other women.
    If she is straight, then your ok with her ways around other women.
    You need to decide what your ok with. First decide if you like it or not. If you dont, from what your saying, then it doesnt matter what she is. Dont tolerate it. If you dont want her doing it, even in a playful fashion, then dont tolerate it. She needs to respect that. If she can't then she maybe hasnt come to terms with her sexuality yet and she needs to be left alone to explore it.
    I think you are right on. I don't approve of her being affectionate with others men or women. Sexuality was just a hangup for me I guess. I have never had a girlfriend get physical like that in front of me and I questioned if it upset me because she was BI. Thanks for your response!
    jackson5's Avatar
    jackson5 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Sep 21, 2009, 01:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 88sunflower View Post
    I can't believe I am reading this. She wont press charges? My god I can't even spank my kid and crap like this happens. I can't stop thinking of a poor helpless girl tied up in a closet. Bringing tears to my eyes.
    Yes when she told me it brought me to tears. She is such a wonderful person I can't believe that it happened to her. She said she couldn't bring herself to do it. I have never met her father and don't plan to. I think that will be a point of contention down the line.
    Thanks again-
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #14

    Sep 21, 2009, 02:48 PM
    I don't think she is as strong as you think she is. Talking openly about it is not equal to dealing with the effects. She acts strong so that no one hurts her again.

    I am beginning to wonder if she didn't already know that you didn't want to watch her "play" with the other woman on the dance floor. If you have brought up her sexuality before and tried to confront her possible bisexuality, she may have decided that it bothers you and that was a way to get a reaction out of you. It sounds like she increased the intimacy of the dance until you had enough.

    It did cause you to react in a negative way, didn't it?

    Remember that for her parental/lover lines are blurred.

    I would question just what she thinks a healthy relationship is.
    jackson5's Avatar
    jackson5 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Sep 21, 2009, 03:45 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Cat1864 View Post
    I don't think she is as strong as you think she is. Talking openly about it is not equal to dealing with the effects. She acts strong so that no one hurts her again.

    I am beginning to wonder if she didn't already know that you didn't want to watch her "play" with the other woman on the dance floor. If you have brought up her sexuality before and tried to confront her possible bisexuality, she may have decided that it bothers you and that was a way to get a reaction out of you. It sounds like she increased the intimacy of the dance until you had enough.

    It did cause you to react in a negative way, didn't it?

    Remember that for her parental/lover lines are blurred.

    I would question just what she thinks a healthy relationship is.
    If she hasn't dealt with the childhood trauma, how should I approach her? I asked her if she would like to talk about it and if she is over the bad things that happened to her when she was a child. She said she is over and done with it! I even offered her the book my Dr. Laura Schlessinger - Bad Childhood, good life which helps helps those to get over a bad childhood and she was not interested.

    Regarding the dance, do you think she was testing my limit of how far I would let her go with a women while I was present? She had had a few to drink at that point and her and I were being very physical/sexual just before this all occurred. Or are you suggesting that she was trying to upset me so that I would control the situation much like dad would tell her daughter no? That could be true, but I will say her and I have never discussed the limits of our relationship in respects to those of the same sex until after this event took place on the dance floor. I have never acted negative about her sexuality or the fact that she experimented. I do have a more conservative morality than she does so she could have assumed I was/am not okay with her being BI... Finally, after the night that this took place she said the party was out of her system. So maybe what happened on the floor was one of her old tendencies of trying to get a rise out her BF (Be it me or previous ones) and for them to control her?

    Her idea of a relationship is pretty vague. I do most of the talking when it comes to those sorts of things. She has very bad role models/parents. I once asked her "If I wasnt able to have sex for three months what she would do without intercourse sex." She said she would have to find a guy on the side. I told her that would be the end of our relationship. She said oh? ( I attribute this to her parents. Her father cheats on her mother all the time.) She said "well you can still do oral right!" No one is perfect and I understand where she is coming from - that being her upbringing. Once we have had these discussions regarding our relationship, she very excepting of the outcomes that we come to.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #16

    Sep 21, 2009, 07:20 PM
    It sounds like you have done what you can on the abuse.

    Hopefully, she has gotten the "partying" out. There isn't much more to say on that unless she does get a few too many again and goes a bit too far. If it was testing, it probably wasn't something she was conscious of.

    It sounds like you are working out the boundaries of the relationship, but I think you need to get her more involved in deciding what is okay and what isn't. So that it isn't just you setting limits.

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