I found naughty pictures on my boyfriends phone

"You either trust him or you don't...checking isn't going to change your trust level"

It could. If you're suspicious about his/her behavior, look and find something, then that validates your reason to have been suspicious in the first place. If you're suspicious about his/her behavior, current activity, look and don't find anything, then that helps to put your mind at ease that maybe you were being a bit paranoid or that it was simply a coincidence that his/her shady behavior was nothing at all.

I...I really don't get what's going on. I'm about to be 27 next month, so maybe I just need a few more years to reach this zen level of having a relationship mentality of not being concerned if my gf is out messing around on me. People cheat. It's in our nature. I'm sorry, but if I find my gf doing some shady acitivities (keeping her phone on her 24-7, texting some individual at 2-3 in the morning, stepping outside to talk on the phone, lying about her whereabouts), that's going to make me suspicious. That's going to make me want to look through her phone and see exactly what's going on. If I find something, then I was right. If I don't find something I was wrong and that just makes my trust in her even stronger. I know that a grown person is going to do whatever they want at the end of the day, but at the same time I shouldn't just sit there and take it. A bf or gf at least owes the person who they claim to love the truth, a wife or husband isn't the only person who should be held accountable for their actions. So if my gf was doing all of those shady, suspicious things (and my ex was), I was just supposed to ignore them because I'm supposed to trust her EVENTHOUGH she really was messing around? Interesting...

See...there's where you're wrong. If she is performing shady behavior, and you feel you MUST check to see what might be going on---YOU DON'T TRUST HER.

If she's got some unusual behavior going on, and you choose to NOT check on her--YOU TRUST HER.

End of story.

The very act of checking is validating distrust.

If you don't trust her, checking isn't going to make a bit of difference, because you're either going to feel vindicated in your distrust (because you find something) or you're going to feel guilty for your snooping and mistrust when you don't find something--but you're still not going to trust her, and you're going to just check AGAIN when you don't find something the first time.

Trusting someone means that you can communicate with them and believe them when they give you their version of events.

Not trusting someone doesn't mean you have to "sit there and take it"--in fact, if you don't trust someone, I suggest you leave the relationship, because snooping is NOT going to make the trust or the relationship any better.

Why would I just up and leave the relationship simply because I'm suspicious of her behavior? Being suspicious and just completely not trusting a person aren't the same thing. I don't trust her if I look through her phone and actually find some dirt, I'm suspicious of her prior to looking through her phone and not finding anything.

If she's texting on her phone at 2-3 in the morning, I think it's a guy, it could be her sister or close friend that needs to talk to her about something serious over the last few days. She steps outside to talk on the phone, I think it's a guy, she could be planning a surprise birthday party for me. I trusted her to the fullest, but at the same time I didn't and still don't put anything past anyone. Humans are capable of some really, really f***ed up things no matter how cute and innocent they may appear. Synnen, if your husband or bf was exhibiting some shady, suspicious activity, you wouldn't get suspicious and care to do a little peek at his phone? Of course you can always communicate, but for some strange reason people who cheat also tend to not be the most honest.

"Trusting someone means that you can communicate with them and believe them when they give you their version of events."

You can believe them all you want, doesn't change the fact that they could be lying to you. A cheater can look you directly in your eyes and lie all day. I'd just rather make sure for myself that they're telling the truth than be played for a fool.

Hypothetical scenarios: My gf calls me and needs me to wire her $300 to get her car fixed and then I find a receipt from a hotel room for the weekend in her name a few weeks later made out around the same time I sent her the money. I ask her about it and her excuse doesn't make sense, am I just suppose to remain blind and ignore it? I walk into our apt. and find a man's sock (not mine) hidden under our couch, I ask her about it and her answer doesn't make sense, am I just suppose to believe every thing she says without a care in the world?

There's a fine line in trusting someone and being a fool. I understand that you're saying that if you trust someone then you should believe them no matter what, all I'm saying is that no matter how much you trust your significant other, if you witness a handful of shady activity, any normal person is going to get suspicious.

[quote=SentientAndroid;3031607Right is right and wrong is wrong. [/QUOTE]



Disgree - right is right and wrong is wrong in YOUR eyes. What is wrong to you may very well not be wrong to me. There is no blanket right/wrong.

You cannot judge someone else's behavior by your standards.

I'm as blunt spoken as it gets - you continue to describe outrageous behavior as "shady." At what point does behavior cross from "shady" to "outrageous?"

I'm an investigator - I would not snoop. You either trust or you don't. If you don't trust hire me (or someone like me) and find out the level of the inappropriate behavior.

Sentient--first, I trust my husband completely. I have all of his passwords, and he has mine.

That being said, I have NEVER--and I do mean NEVER--gone through his phone or his email.

If he's doing something weird, I ask him about it--and at the same time let him know my fears (if I have any). Multiple stories not adding up leads to distrust--but it's NOT going to make anyone feel better to check the phone or email or whatever. That stuff can be DELETED.

Checking does not EVER equal trust. Checking equals suspicion, and suspicion leads to distrust.

If you can't communicate honestly and with full trust--then YES, you SHOULD leave the relationship.

And let me just say this as well: I've been married a long time. I did date once upon a time, though, and it was in the computer age. If I had EVER caught a guy I was in a relationship with going through my email, my phone messages, my diary, whatever--he would have been kicked to the curb so fast his head would spin. Either trust me or don't, but don't be going through my stuff to validate your own fears. Those fears are YOUR problem, not mine, and if you can't trust my version of events, then you SHOULD leave the relationship.

Relationships are ABOUT trust. If you cannot implicitly trust the person you are sharing your life with, then you shouldn't be with that person. If you are suspicious, then confront the person--don't snoop. Yes, they could lie to you--but seriously, what does it say about your relationship if you either don't use your own logic (and NOT snooping) about facts that don't add up or you can never confront the other person with your fears and be relieved by the conversation?

Do people lie? Sure they do. But if you can't believe that she's going out with her girlfriends without checking on her constantly, or believe that the towing service is owned by the hotel--well, you have bigger issues about trust than are going to be resolved through checking up on her.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have noticed that this thread is becoming more of a discussion than giving advice. To give us a place to discuss the differences in each of our viewpoints, I have started a thread in Other Member Discussions.

Please feel free to continue the discussion here (http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-m...ml#post3035191) if you would like to.

I hope greekchick comes back someday to clear up a few points.

@Judy, haha thanks, but I don't need to be an investigator to check my gf's phone and see a text stating "I love you" sent to a phone other than mine to know that something isn't right. If that isn't shady/outrageous/innapropriate behavior then I don't what is.

I agree with you that what I think is right or wrong may be vastly different from another person, but there IS a blanket understanding of what's right and what's wrong. If my ex and if greekchick's bf felt that they weren't in the wrong then they wouldn't have hid it. I think we all can agree that the guy who strapped on a bomb and blew up a bus full of children was in the wrong...except for him I suppose.

@Synnen, "Those fears are YOUR problem, not mine, and if you can't trust my version of events, then you SHOULD leave the relationship." I just don't even know how to respond to this. Even if you were telling the truth about being in a room with a pogo stick, 2 french guys and a tub of oatmeal, you'd have to at least be able to see things from your mate's perspective that the story you told may be, just may be, hard for him to believe, truth or not. Also, ending a relationship isn't as simple as clicking a light switch on and off, especially if your just suspicious about this new guy or girl that your mate just so happens to be texting a lot lately. If it was then a woman in a physically abusive relationship wouldn't have allowed herself to be assaulted twice, let alone 10 or more times before she got out of it.

@Cat, you're right, this has greatly altered far from greekchick's question. I was just curious about the relationship outlook of Smoothy and Synnen. I'm not here to ruffle any feathers, just curious is all. I'm going make this my last comment on this topic/question.

I totally agree with SentientAndroid. I have a cell phone and lap top always in the open for my boyfriend as he does too. If he was to go for my phone and I say what the hell are you doing? That screams guilt. And vice versa! She has the right to look as he does to with her things. If they feel they need to look at all then address the problem that makes them want to check it!

I'm an investigator - the need to have some privacy in a person's life is not a sign of guilt.