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My fiancee doesn't want to have sex anymore.
Asked Jun 1, 2009, 10:39 PM
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22 Answers The problem isn't enjoyment. We've established that she does enjoy it. She climaxes every time (no she's not faking, I know that for a fact) and really does love finishing. However...she doesn't like starting/having anything start physically. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, let me step back a little, I'm posting here cause I can do it anonymously. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this and I've talked to her many times but I really feel like she forgets what I said...or doesn't bother put in the effort to remember it. I'm a 24 year old male and my fiancˇe is a 22 year old female. (I know, we're young). We have a great sex life...when we have sex. But that's the problem. It's getting to the point where it's once every 2 weeks. Even then I have to continually ask for it for that 2 week period...at which point she's annoyed (although won't admit it and I'm tired and sad). I've also tried the not bringing it up at all, for a few weeks...that was disastorous, I tried instead to just hint at it...that failed too. And even when we do have intercourse now...I'm honestly not even enjoying it because I can tell she's forcing herself to go through with it or she's not 100% wanting to do it (when it involves me finishing anyway...). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In our household (background information): -We don't have kids. -We don't have jobs (we both go to school, so stress is relatively low) -We live in a major city (which neither of us much cares for, but we're moving to her hometown in a few months, also, our issues aren't geographical in nature as we are often in her hometown at her other home and she still has no interest there). -I do all of the cooking, she gets bored with dishes easily so I try to make something completely new every night (well almost every night) which means I lose about an hour - 2 hours every night learning a new recipe, tweaking it, making it and getting it right. - I do the majority of the cleaning. I do a nightly tidy up, and handle most of the dishes, I also do all of the repairs around the house. Often times if she notices something is dirty, or if there is something on the ground (piece of trash) she'll walk by it, inform me it's there so I can clean it up, but won't actually do it herself. - I also take care of her cat. His liter-box/food. - Her only chore really is the laundry. Which she does well :-) - When she has class I usually go with her, and will wait for her outside her classroom for 3 - 9 hours as she doesn't like being alone while out at any time. - We've never had any fights or real arguements. - I try to do everything around here and make her life as easy as possible. There is very little she ever has to do. Even then I usually end up doing it for her. - Whenever we watch a movie, I make sure it's always a movie she wants to watch. - When we watch tv we only watch her programs (which I honestly don't mind, I watch mine streaming later when she's busy, she usually sleeps longer then me by a few hours so I use that time). - I don't go out to visit friends as she hates being left alone, I invite her to come with me but she doesn't really want to. She dislikes me associating with any girls...I actually only associate with 2, 1 is nearly twice my age and an ex-coworker who I help on a variety of technology related matters, we talk once a year. The other I talk to once every 2 or 3 months on facebook. Just to check up, see how she/her boyfriend are doing and such. - I love her family and they love me! - My family loves her and her family loves them! - SO NO IN-LAW ISSUES! :-) - We're both in good shape, although we don't exercise much :-p. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now that you have a sense of our household you might be able to shed some insight onto this matter. When I try to initiate, I tend to make sure the bedroom is tidy, I put red sheets over the furniture, light a bunch of candles (weak scents). Try to create a nice/appealing atmosphere to enhance the mood. She'll come in, lay down, I'll give her a back message, or a light rub, but when it comes to actually starting anything it's a no-go. I'll make sure our schedules are clear. We have no big worries/responsibilities. There are no pressing matters. Sometimes I'll be spontaneous, other times flirty or playful. Most of the time I try the romantic approach. I'll take her out on dates, to the movies, nice restaurants, picnic's in the park, BUT, nothing works...nothing turns her on/gets her in the mood. I've been trying for 2 years to figure out what gets her in the mood. Nothing. If I go to a LOT of effort, when it starts leading up to sex, she'll stop and say "maybe later", which always means NO. If she PROMISES to do something...if I even hint at reminding her...she gets upset because it's too much pressure. This has been really going on since I proposed, once that happened her sexual libido went the way of the Dodo bird. I know she's happy to be engaged and jumped at the proposal, so I have no worries there. I understand men/women have different sexual needs and there must be compromise. But time and time again it seems like I'm the only one compromising...I mean, I would gladly make love to her every day of the week. She's more of the once a week...if she has to. So we always stick with the once a week or less policy. I've talked to her repeatedly. But nothing ever comes of it. I make my feelings clear, and she says she cares/understands, but she's not willing to budge or make any sort of compromise. I know people feel differently about sexual relations, but, to me they are a very important part of a relationship. It's the ultimate expression of love and passion. It may sound stupid but intercourse makes me feel loved... She's only ever been with 2 people, her ex-bf, who never satisfied her sexually as he couldn't perform and was quite demanding...she is a very upfront/honest person. And me, and our love making sessions are usually 2 - 3 hours in which she almost always climaxes...With him, she didn't enjoy sex at all, and when I started dating her (after they broke up) she didn't seem to be interested in sex as she had never had a good experience. But the funny thing is, they had sex/fooled around EVERY SINGLE TIME they were together. She didn't enjoy it, but she was willing to do that for him because he liked it. She also did things for him sexually that she won't do with me...and she won't engage in intercourse or even fooling around for me even if it's been a week or two and I'm really turned on... I know she's over him, she dumped him a long time ago specifically because she wasn't in love with him and he treated her poorly and her family didn't like him and he wasn't going anywhere in life (couldn't pass gr.10...and he was 21 years old). I've been with a significantly larger amount of woman (I am NOT a player, all were serious relationships), but intercourse...with all of those women in the past, only ever lasted minutes...and wasn't very good. With my fiancˇe though, 2+ hours every time and it's incredible! When we have it that is... Furthermore...I found out a few months ago that she's very much into a very particular type of lesbian porn. When I tried to talk to her about it she said that the video collection wasn't hers...which I did later find out was a lie. She denied it for weeks before she finally confessed. I didn't pressure her, and was in fact quite supportive the entire time. Now, after months, she still won't talk about it, I've shown her I'm comfortable with it and re-assured her every way possible that it's alright. I know I'm rambling a bit...I'm just having a really hard time with all of this. I am sexually frustrated beyond all belief, even when I explain that to her, she just says, "I don't feel like it right now"...that's it. Doesn't matter if it's full out intercourse, oral, hand, fooling around, or even kissing. Just doesn't feel like it. Now, last week, I was exhausted beyond all belief, couldn't stay awake and told her I was going to go to sleep. About an hour in I woke up to her giving me a handjob...she was really really really into it. We ended up having intercourse and she finished and afterwards I had to ask her if I could finish too as once she finishes she just kind of lays down to relax... Anyway, afterwards, I asked her if she'd be willing to give me a handjob to wake me up some other time. She seemed annoyed and even a little disgusted at that idea. Which confused the hell out of me since she just woke me up that way in order to have sex... -I'm not allowed to finish through intercourse as she's worried about pregnancy and she's not willing to go on any sort of birth control. -I'm not allowed to finish through oral (although she let her ex-bf do this in the past). This one bothers me a lot...I mean a LOT. I only talked to her about it once...I was very gentle with the talk...she got angry/offended since I brought up her ex and what they did. -I am only allowed to finish through hand. Which is less then satisfying... Specially when it only happens once every week or two and it is obviously a laboured effort on her part which makes it feel more like the ends to a mean. I'm at the point where I pretty much don't care anymore....I don't mean that in a good way that she would like. I mean I don't care anymore since I put so much effort into this relationship and feel like I'm not getting any recognition back. I still love her unconditionally, that won't change, and I'm certainly not going to end things with her. But I really have no motivation to do anything anymore and have started to become very depressed. I've talked to her about this. She said she understood. But nothing changed. I'm sad...and tired...I have no sexual outlet...I don't watch pornography and I don't 'self-pleasure'. I can only finish in the least satisfying way possible with her and even then it's less satisfying then average since I know it's always the same way and she only does it out of a feeling of obligation. I actually attempted to talk to a female friend about this once. She offered to "help"...I told her no, that I was offended that she even suggested that...told her I couldn't be friends with her anymore...deleted her from my facebook/msn, blocked her, and haven't talked to her since then (this was months ago). My Fiancee's not a super touchy/feely person. Which is shocking because if you met her you would instantly think she is. But I want to cuddle too often, hug and hold hands too often apparently. I don't even kiss her everyday, but it's still too much for her (I only found out because I asked). I'm an affectionate person...in that I like to cuddle at night, hold her during movies, hold her hand when we're out/walking and give her an occasional kiss every few days...I don't know if that's a lot or not. I would say the problem is that I'm around too much but I can't be around less. She hates it when I am and gets quite upset about it. Even more...when I am at home with her, if there is a lot to do around the house and I do it all, she gets mad at me (or annoyed) because of how much time I spent doing other things and not giving her attention. I don't write this to make her sound bad...she's a wonderful, amazing person, it's just this is a very serious issue to me. And the problem is, it's only an issue for me, not her. Any suggestions? -Sex Therapist is out of the question (or any professional of the sort), simply far too much money that we don't have. -Physical gratification isnt' the issue. We've established that is perfectly fine (on her part). -Love isn't the issue, I know that she loves me and that I love her. -Incorporating her pornographic turn-on is out of the question, I tried that once...wow was that a bad idea. I'm willing to listen to anyone's opinion at all...anything. Please. |
22 Answers
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| We've also tried sexual games, toys, and unique locations. She tried the latter and former twice each in months, that's it. The middle one we use during intercourse sometimes. She likes it. But again, enjoyment isn't the issue. | ||||
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| Well I don't know how much help you are going to get. There seems to be a lot of things that could be the problem. With the whole "she don't want to be alone" thing could be some sort of depression, because if she wants you near but not touchy that is a 'mood swing' type of thing, that could have been caused by abuse, by her former lover or even family. Also, the whole thing about you doing everything for her, I mean that is kind of pampering her too much, and please don't take this as I am being rude, I am not trying to be. And the 'you not being able to finish' is a control issue, you said she was not treated right by her ex, this might be her way of getting back at him for the things he did, but instead of hurting him it is hurting you. Alot of problem that you guys are having sexually could be caused by what she went though with her former lover. Me and my husband went though kind of the same thing as you are now, I did not really enjoy being sexual in any way. I put up with it for my husbands sake. But it got to were he was lucky if we made love once a month, I had some issues that I never talked to him about and they just kept building up, but once everything is out in the open there is a good chance things will get better for you too. I know you don't want to make her do anything that she does not want to do, but you both need to talk with each other, to really set down and lay everything out, even if it is stuff you really don't want to hear. I don't know how much help this is going to be to you, it is just what worked for me. I wish you the best in trying to figure things out. | ||||
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| The thing that occurred to me when I read your post was that you do too much and that you allow her to control and dominate you. Quote:
The male/female dynamic seems to be all wrong in this relationship. It's a reasonably well known fact that women frequently don't get turned on by men who take on the more feminine and nurturing role in a relationship. Men are from mars and women are from venus is a book that refers to this, although it is somewhat outdated now. However, I would also suggest that she is highly narcissistic and that you are 'feeding' this by catering to all of her whims, needs and demands. (Waiting for her for 9 hours while she's in class?! - Give me a break!) I think you need to grow a set of balls - please don't take me the wrong way, but you need to get some testosterone in your life. Stop being her servant and doormat for heaven's sake and take back some control. At the moment everything is her way - ask yourself what you want in this relationship and start asking for it. Do less, be less available, watch the programs that you want and don't beg for sex. Of course, this is going to be very hard because she's so used to you doing everything she says and I am certain she will offer strong resistance (and punishment). Your relationship is seriously unbalanced and you are allowing this to happen by being so subservient - you need to start living life for you, not for her. | ||||
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| Things will never change. You cannot change her or her attitudes toward sex. Now is better to find out than after marriage. Maybe, if you are not happy, then it is time to break off the relationship and move on. | ||||
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| When do you put on the dog collar, tired? Has she started with the leather yet? Working at Mistress Heather's? Or do you want US to do the dominance thing for you? On a more serious note, she does sound like a candidate for therapy. | ||||
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| You have all the great qualitieas of a good woman (this is not meant to offend you), except you very don't have a vagina nor breast, which is what I think your girlfriend secreatly wants. She might be in denial, and think it is a phase. But I think she is a lesbian. She might be discussed and ashamed by the idea, but at the end of it all, It is my opinion she wants to be with a woman. You seem like a very patient guy, and you deserve someone who is going to care about your feelings. It might be hard, but I suggest you move on. Hope this helps. | ||||
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| Should have slept with her friend/ lol joking.Your girlfriend honestly seems selfish/snobbish. Very manipulating. I wonder if she actually has friends. Well honestly from a women's point of view it doesn't sound like she has any interest in you anymore . I don't really care if you guys are engaged haven't you heard of GOLD DIGGERS? The reason why she is treating you like this is because you are letting her. She knows you will do anything and what ever she wants its really that easy for her you must admit. Why leave you when you do everything? She's living paradise she doesn't even have to have sex with you or cook. You do it for free. At least Molly Maids actually get paid for their services. Also I think she is bi sexual.I find it ridiculous you do all these things and she can't even have sex with you or cuddle? HUGE flag raised she doesn't even want to cuddle with you. My goodness cooking something different every damn day? Who is she queen Elizabeth? Waiting for you to serve her tea with some dandelions? I think you should honestly say to her that you want to talk and say to her that you love her but you don't think you can live a sexless life. If she looks "disgusted " (im not sure about what)or annoyed just tell her your fed up and you can only try if she gets angry let her. End the relationship and move on. Her loss she will probably come running back to you. Man the hell up & stop letting her take you for granted. | ||||
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| Better leave now while the getting's good. | ||||
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| You have invested far more, and are investing far more, in this relationship than she is. To be continuously rejected sexually means one of two things. She is not sexually attracted to you in the same way you are to her. Or, the sex is being used as a dangling carrot to keep all her needs met. She enjoys being pampered to the extreme, and the cost to her is giving you sex once in a while. It seems the more you do, the less of a relationship you have, and the more of a contract it is. She lets you have sex with her, providing you qualify for the bonus on payday, which is every two weeks. You are a good catch, and she doesn't have to try very hard to meet your needs, because you don't present any, other than sex. Once the engagement took place as you say, the sex pretty much stopped. You were hired. This isn't about sex as much as it is about control and balance. Relationships take work, and consideration of the other's needs. While she uses you as her whipping boy, you comply, do what is expected of you, and you may or may not get paid for your services. If sex wasn't a problem, would you be so willing to put up with her high maintenance attitude? Sex is only one part of the relationship, and the love you feel for her has blinded you to how much she controls you. You turn your whole life upside down to please her, and go to great lengths to meet and exceed her expectations of what the relationship should be. She isn't addressing your needs because she doesn't have to. Like Gemini said, time to put your foot down and clear the air with her. Think seriously, very seriously, about the type of relationship you have, and where it will take you in the future. Can you imagine your life married to this person the way she is? | ||||
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