A quick summary. I'm 37 but still young looking and still have a very good sex drive. I've have had many many partners and very good at maintaining long term relationships with my girlfriends. I currently have a girlfriend who is 11 years younger than me and she is beautiful. She started out as my roommate and we were in a relationship within 10 days. Now we have been living together for 1 1/2 years.
Here's the problem. I absolutely for the life of me can't seem to desire to have sex with her anymore. Understandably, this is a huge problem for her. I'm not cheating and have never cheated on her. Let me say that this isn't the first time I've been through this problem. Pretty much since 1996, my relationships ended because of my "lack of interest". When I met this girl I told myself "if I ever lose interest in sex with her, I know there is something wrong with me". Well it's happened, many months ago.
At one point in my life I went 5-months without having sex with my previous girlfriend. Needless to say, she cheated on me and I didn't blame her. Coming up with exuses all the time is really beginning to become stressful, and I want to throw in the towel for that alone.
Now as far as love goes, to be honest, I'm not really sure I do. Regardless, is love really the culprit? Once lust evaporates and the infatuation is over, is it love which is needed to still desire sex with your partner? What about typical male hormones? After all, this is what she seems to think is all I need. I'm a man, she's a woman ( at least that's her thinking)
At any rate, this is an ongoing problem for me. I admit, I am addicted to the infatuation process. The idea of being with a new woman really strokes my ego and I am a very passionate person. I rely on my passion to keep things exciting, but my passion is gone.
I suggest becoming a swinger and sharing partners! This wont work forever but I believe you will one day find the right person. Until then have fun maybe you arent ready for a long term relationship? So be it.
Does sound like you should put your current girlfriend out of her misery. She deserves to be with someone who loves her.
Sounds to me like you just have not met your match yet, you seem to need someone who will keep you guessing, very imaginative and probably more intelligent than your previous choices.
so are you unhappy? feel guilty? want "more" for yourself or for her?
why did you post here? i understand your situation... what i mean is lets talk about what you really want. you asked how to get over addiction to infatuation... but is that because you want to or because your partner needs more?
two routes to take as i see it... if you want to change because you want change for yourself, you need to approach relationships differently. your partner is 11 years younger than you... are you seeking out younger women because they might be less "set", more willing to explore the relationship faster? ive been there to some degree... before my wife i tended to date women younger than me, and i certainly was attracted to the excitement and energy that was brought to each new relationship.
before i get slammed for stereotyping young versus older, let me state i married a woman several years older than me, ten years together now. but there is an energy that exists in younger people, call it naivity, call it curiosity, that can be intense in relationships... and i wonder if you feed off this energy?
two paths... getting off topic... as stated, talking to a counselor, which oftentimes can be covered for a few visits through work insurance, can get you thinking and on "track"... something to consider at least. ive been to a counselor for a few visits some time back and it gave me some tools to work with, some perspective.
medically, you might ask to have your hormone levels checked. an imbalance of hormones can cause decreased interest... and it might be that the newness of sex with a new lover keeps you over the top for a time, but when "been there, done that" sets in, you are left at the same, old place... with a lower libido than your partner likes.
do you work out, exercise often? this, for me, is a key component for keeping my interest amped. studies of men with libido and/or ED issues have shown that exercise alone can dramatically change performance.
and personally, i think it can often be multi-angled... add up the "new relationship shine" being gone, a little stress, a little older, mental desensitization, etc... a lot of little things can add up to a problem.
so your mind is your most important errogenous zone. you need to find ways to build sensual tension. you need to find a drive to satiate your partner, even if you arent completely in the moment. you need to reduce stress, exercise, etc.
OR...
option two is you might just be "wired" for relationships that arent long term. some people are like this. im not going to tell you what is "right" or "wrong" for you.
if your mate wrote in here telling us her side of the story, we would likely tell her to talk it out, and then if nothing changes, to leave you. its only fair.
sexual incompatability, especially with a younger woman, is a recipe for disaster... or at least action.
so are you tired of starting over again and again... or are you feeling guilty for letting her down? think about what YOU want, not what anyone expects of you...
Has it occurred to you that you may be holding every woman SINCE her responsible for the woman from hell's actions?
Yes it has occurred to me that there may be some baggage I can't let go but I'm not sure this is really the reason. There are other things which I have analyzed. Such as feeling disconnected the more I learn about their personality after the infatuation has dissipated.
Does sound like you should put your current girlfriend out of her misery. She deserves to be with someone who loves her.
Sounds to me like you just have not met your match yet, you seem to need someone who will keep you guessing, very imaginative and probably more intelligent than your previous choices.
I think I know someone just like that!!!
But unfortunately she is not available
Don't get me wrong. Love can be in various shades of gray. From my experience, every new person has it's own color of love. Not like when your a teenager and it is black and white. With that said, the confusion of determining which shade it is, is difficult right now. Considering the fact that I can't sleep with her. We break up almost every weekend but now we are becoming desensitized to the topic.
so are you unhappy? feel guilty? want "more" for yourself or for her?
why did you post here? i understand your situation... what i mean is lets talk about what you really want. you asked how to get over addiction to infatuation... but is that because you want to or because your partner needs more?
Because I need to nip this in the bud. I can't imagine doing this when I am old. And yes, it isn't fair for her. I can only imagine what it does to a woman's self esteem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
two routes to take as i see it... if you want to change because you want change for yourself, you need to approach relationships differently. your partner is 11 years younger than you... are you seeking out younger women because they might be less "set", more willing to explore the relationship faster? ive been there to some degree... before my wife i tended to date women younger than me, and i certainly was attracted to the excitement and energy that was brought to each new relationship.
before i get slammed for stereotyping young versus older, let me state i married a woman several years older than me, ten years together now. but there is an energy that exists in younger people, call it naivity, call it curiosity, that can be intense in relationships... and i wonder if you feed off this energy?
two paths... getting off topic... as stated, talking to a counselor, which oftentimes can be covered for a few visits through work insurance, can get you thinking and on "track"... something to consider at least. ive been to a counselor for a few visits some time back and it gave me some tools to work with, some perspective.
I have insurance from my company, I think it could be useful to talk about it with a counselor provided it isn't going to take years and years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
medically, you might ask to have your hormone levels checked. an imbalance of hormones can cause decreased interest... and it might be that the newness of sex with a new lover keeps you over the top for a time, but when "been there, done that" sets in, you are left at the same, old place... with a lower libido than your partner likes.
do you work out, exercise often? this, for me, is a key component for keeping my interest amped. studies of men with libido and/or ED issues have shown that exercise alone can dramatically change performance.
I used to work out quite a lot. I know I should get back into it. I smoke and cannabis is also my self-medicated stress reliever.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
and personally, i think it can often be multi-angled... add up the "new relationship shine" being gone, a little stress, a little older, mental desensitization, etc... a lot of little things can add up to a problem.
so your mind is your most important errogenous zone. you need to find ways to build sensual tension. you need to find a drive to satiate your partner, even if you arent completely in the moment. you need to reduce stress, exercise, etc.
OR...
option two is you might just be "wired" for relationships that arent long term. some people are like this. im not going to tell you what is "right" or "wrong" for you.
if your mate wrote in here telling us her side of the story, we would likely tell her to talk it out, and then if nothing changes, to leave you. its only fair.
sexual incompatability, especially with a younger woman, is a recipe for disaster... or at least action.
so are you tired of starting over again and again... or are you feeling guilty for letting her down? think about what YOU want, not what anyone expects of you...
I'm not exactly tired of it, but I know inevitably it will be a huge problem. I see other women and "wonder" what they are like. Not sexually, but many other qualities. You also may be right about being wired for short-term relationships. 2 years max.
I would also like to add that she went off to Europe for two weeks and I was given the chance to reflect on my situation while given the chance to have my space. I was really missing her and decided to try and wipe the "slate clean" if you will. I put myself into "new" mode and was planning a romantic return. Anyway, a day before she came back she accused me of cheating in a rather nasty email. I won't get into details, but it was an rather immature assumption on her part and I could no longer anticipate her return. I tried, she assumed, I regressed.
I have dame issue as well... Had different partners, now when she asks for sex I don't want it with her.. It sucks cause I love her... I never had this issue.. Now if it's a different girl I would want to.. I guess it's new and the excitement for me.. But I do care for her and sadden I can't ...
This wont work forever but I believe you will one day find the right person. Until then have fun maybe you arent ready for a long term relationship? So be it.
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