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I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34. We met last New Year’s Eve and have been together since. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said we had a terrific relationship – loving, fun, fulfilling. I thought we had a great connection in every way. We have similar goals and lifestyles, and I just loved spending time with him. We often said it was the best relationship either of us had every experienced, and we were both talking about spending our lives together.
Over the July 4th weekend he said we wanted to discuss something with me, which was basically that he wanted to take our sex life to the next level. I wasn’t sure what he meant, but was interested to find out. I knew from the beginning that he was much more experienced and open than I was, but I have always considered myself to be loving and adventurous, and I’ve always been open to learn and experience more. We’ve been able to communicate very well, but in this instance he really couldn’t or wouldn't tell me what he wanted. To be clear, I thought we had a great sex life – frequent sex; at times very tender and at times crazy wild; dozens of positions; we’d used role-playing, costumes, toys; lots of different locations – indoors and outdoors. I always felt such a connection with him.
For the last 5 weeks, I’ve tried to figure out what he wants and am becoming increasingly frustrated because nothing seems to be working. Where I felt we had spontaneity before, I now feel like things are forced. Where before it seemed we were mutually initiating sex, it now seems like it’s all on me to initiate things. I have been hoping that it was just a bump in the road, but after 5 weeks I have to wonder what is really happening. I started feeling like the tenderness was missing, so last night I wanted to return to romance. I made him a really nice dinner, opened a great bottle of wine, played some beautiful music, and gave him a sensual massage which led to some very tender lovemaking. I felt so wonderful afterwards and expressed that to him, to which he replied something along the lines that it was nice but I know that he prefers something more adventurous and that he went along with what I wanted. I felt so vulnerable at that moment that it hit me pretty hard. He went to sleep, but I was so upset that I was making myself sick. I didn’t want to wake him so I left him a note that I wasn’t feeling well and went home.
He wants to get together for dinner tonight. I’m leaving for a business trip tomorrow and will be gone for at least a week. I’m frustrated because I’ve tried to talk to him about this and his usual response is along the lines that I will figure it out when I let myself go. I feel like I’m losing my joy of sex. I’ve always been pretty confident in that area and confident in general, but I just don’t know what to do. I asked him if we have just gone as far as we can and maybe he’s losing interest, but he always comes back with a response that I just need to take it to the next level. I don’t know what that means, though. Any comments will be appreciated. Thanks.
His request to you for help with his 'problems' reeks of insensitivity to me. You've made it clear that you don't want to be in a relationship with him, yet he is asking for your assistance with the very issue that led to the separation.
Something doesn't feel quite right with this. His problems are his and he should deal with them without involving you. Asking you to participate in the process entangles you in it and makes it much harder for you to separate from him.
I imagine, consciously or unconsciously, that this is his intention.
Stay separate and uninvolved and do not allow yourself to feel sorry for him. It's not romantic, it's manipulative.
i have to agree. he's manipulating you. he thinks he's found a way to keep himself a part of your life. by telling you that he's seeking help to correct what you see as a problem, and he might not, he is essentially trying to convince you to give him another chance. he's counting on your good nature and guilt to get you to keep contact with him, by subtly reminding you that he helped you through a difficult time.
he lied and manipulated you before. the entire process from the point when he first told you he wanted to take things to the 'next level' until the point when he finally told you what that level was sounds very calculated to me. he got you worried and worked up and curious to find out what he meant in the hopes of saving a relationship he put in jeopardy in the first place. since you had made your opinion on the subject clear early on he had no doubt how you would respond. by making you wait and work yourself into a tizzy, he was trying to manipulate you into thinking that giving in was the only way to save the relationship.
since that didn't work, he has moved on to plan b. he is now making promises in the attempt to show that he is willing to change for you. the thing is, without going to therapy with him, you have no way of verifying that he is actually seeking help. my guess is that he sees nothing wrong with dangerous sex play and is just seeking to lull you into a false sense of security.
showing up at your work is a classic sign of obsession and manipulation. instead of allowing you the option of avoiding or ignoring him he has FORCED you to listen to him, even when you have made it clear that you wished no contact. he has basically taken away your choices and left you with no other option but to deal with him at this point, even if only to make the effort to avoid him further.
someone who truly cared about you would allow you have the space you need. they would seek help on their own, if they feel it is needed. then, maybe, in a year or two, when most of the sting has worn off and they have spent that time in counseling trying to reconcile things within themselves, would it be ok to approach you again seeking friendship and understanding. it is almost always impossible to be friends, of any sort, right after a break up.
cut him loose. move on. live your life. maybe find someone new eventually. heal. and let time decide his fate. if he's honest about seeking help, then he will do so rather or not you decide to help him.
I think it's a bad sign that he appeared at your work place. To me (I have a stalker), it means that he will not accept "no contact". For him to ask for your friendship and support while working through this issue is completely bogus. He's manipulating you...and I fear that you're being drawn back in.
Thanks, everyone. I was struggling between many of the thoughts expressed versus being “nice” by helping someone who had asked for help. I think you are all right that it’s a manipulation of some sort – whether sinister or just not wanting to lose the relationship. The comments above made so much sense. I wrote him an e-mail telling him I wished him the best, but I couldn’t be involved. I told him I didn’t want any further contact and spelled out what that meant. He responded immediately pleading with me not to do this. I will not respond.
One of the partners walked in and could see that something was wrong. After generally explaining what was going on, he became concerned and insisted that I not leave work alone for the time being – so now I will have an escort to my car. That may not be necessary but it does make me feel more secure. He’s also going to see if he can get me another out of town assignment, hopefully for 3-4 weeks this time.
I really appreciate all the feedback. You guys are great.
If another contact is needed to tell him anything.....tell him that you asked him nicely to leave you alone, and that now you consider it stalking and if you see him again you will contact the authorities to get a restraining order issued.
Harsh...but it does give the authorities reason to not write it off if he continues his unwanted advances and contacts. In case it escalates.
One of the partners walked in and could see that something was wrong. After generally explaining what was going on, he became concerned and insisted that I not leave work alone for the time being – so now I will have an escort to my car. That may not be necessary but it does make me feel more secure. He’s also going to see if he can get me another out of town assignment, hopefully for 3-4 weeks this time.
I really appreciate all the feedback. You guys are great.
Your co-worker sounds like very nice guy, and I'm glad you're accepting the escort to your car. Your ex may not be a violent person, but he's not going to accept "no" as an answer, and will only continue to meet you at your car and attempt to get his foot in the door, so to speak.
The only gated community I've ever been to had a guard at the gate. Is this the case with yours? And if so, is there any danger that your ex might try to finagle his way in by saying he's friends with you? Excuse my ignorance in these matters...
There are two entrances to our community, both have security guards. The only way visitors can enter is if a resident calls and notifies the guards. I think I will just be doubly sure and talk to them.
I'm going to hold off on a restraining order unless there is another incident. He is a criminal defense attorney, and I'm concerned that the police would love to retaliate against him. I also don't want to ruin his reputation in the courts.
your state or county might have a legal step you can take that's below a restraining order. if not then i would suggest that you file a police report if he shows up again, and continue to do so every time he shows up. you don't have to press charges, just file a report saying you are being harassed. having it down on paper will make taking legal actions in the future easier, if you end up needing to.
He sent flowers today, with a card in which he apologized for everything, said he accepts and will respect my wishes, and while he doesn’t expect he will ever hear from me said that he would welcome a call if I ever want to talk to him.
While it was a break in the NC, I do feel relieved by what he wrote – though I won’t let my guard down entirely.
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