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    Do I have to worry that my boyfriend watches a lot of porn?

    Asked Sep 2, 2011, 05:13 AM 6 Answers
    I know this is a frequently asked question, but I need some great advice... especially from you average men out there!

    I have been with my boyfriend for close to 7 years now. For two of the most recent years, we were doing the long distance thing, which was difficult but we survived with no issues. I do know that he watched a LOT of porn when I wasn't there, which I'm OK with because I'm happy he was finding release with porn and not with another woman.

    We now have moved in together. Sex with him in the first week was amazing, but now he seems to be a little distracted. I found out that he secretly watches porn again after I go to sleep, even if it's just a couple hours after we had sex.

    He even has a favorite that he prefers, and it makes me uncomfortable knowing this because I'm Asian, and his fav porn star is white. The fact that she looks nothing like me scares me. I am very willing to try and do anything in the bedroom, which he knows. I'm now insecure about my sexuality with my boyfriend.

    I think I'm attractive because many men tell me this when I go out... but does my boyfriend still think this? Is he getting bored of me after 7 years? I know he will never stop this habit of watching porn, but I just want to know: Is this a problem, and should I be worried?

    How can I get a spark back in our sex life so that he lusts after me like he used to?
    Last edited by CliffARobinson; Oct 19, 2011 at 06:05 PM.
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    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,436, Reputation: 2985
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    #2

    Sep 2, 2011, 06:30 AM


    Quote Originally Posted by cattycasey View Post
    I am very willing to try and do anything in the bedroom, which he knows. Is he getting bored of me after 7 years? How can I get a spark back in our sex life so that he lusts after me like he used to?
    Hello catty:

    If it's the same old thing, he probably IS getting a little bored. So, instead of just being WILLING to go along with HIS lead, BE the leader! Have you ever surprised him dressed up as a naughty nurse? I'll bet he'd LIKE that.

    excon
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    cattycasey's Avatar
    cattycasey Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Sep 2, 2011, 07:20 AM
    So, instead of just being WILLING to go along with HIS lead, BE the leader! Have you ever surprised him dressed up as a naughty nurse?
    Yes, I've done many things... sent him naughty photos, dressed up in my high school uniform to play school girl, bought racy lingerie. All of which he really enjoyed when we did it! But what now? I feel like I have done it all and I need more tips!

    I know it's been 7 years, but he can't just not be attracted to me anymore, right? I'm still young (24 yrs.), still in tip-top shape, nothing sags!
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    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,436, Reputation: 2985
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    #4

    Sep 2, 2011, 07:23 AM


    Quote Originally Posted by cattycasey View Post
    All of which he really enjoyed when we did it! But what now? I feel like I have done it all and I need more tips!
    Hello again, catty:

    Look, just by saying you're 24 gave me a boner... But, I'm easy... You just have to do MORE of the same. Nahh. You didn't do it ALL.

    excon
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    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 7,280, Reputation: 3476
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    #5

    Sep 2, 2011, 08:04 AM


    There are some fairly standard questions to get a bit better idea of what is going on: How long have you been living together now? How often are you having sex? How often do you want sex? Do you see sexual intimacy as being the main way that people show attraction and affection?

    Do you share other forms of intimacy and affection such as cuddling, talking, quick kisses, love notes, doing things to make each other feel special like watching a favorite movie or fixing a special meal?

    Do you have time apart to do things with friends or hobbies that give you down time from the relationship and help you keep from getting into a rut?

    The biggest question is: Have you talked with him? This is also the place to begin. Communications are one of the cornerstones of a relationship. If you aren't getting your needs met or think there are problems, then you should talk with him and find out what he thinks. If there are issues, find a way to work around them or compromise. You wouldn't have lasted seven years if there wasn't a foundation to build on.

    He may be distracted. The first week was a reunion and you really shouldn't use it as a base line for what comes after. Think of it as a honeymoon when reality takes a backseat to desire. After the initial 'yay, we're together' wears off, everyday life starts taking its toll. Work, bills, family, friends, exhaustion, concerns and worries, etc.

    After seven years, the flame isn't going to be burning the same way it did when you first got together. A fire actually puts off a lot of heat when it gets down to embers. You do have to keep feeding it fresh material, but it is so much more intense than when it is all flames.

    Porn in a healthy relationship isn't a problem. Porn can be a good tool for getting ideas of what you might want to try or never want to think of again. Porn and/or masturbation can be a quick release of stress without having to worry about a partner's needs. While you may be willing to do what he wants, I doubt you want to be used as a masturbatory aid. That is what happens when one partner uses another to get off and isn't thinking about his/her partner's needs.

    Many people have fantasies that are very different from what they want in real life. It's like the straight woman who looks at lesbian oriented porn. She may look. She may fantasize. However, it is the man in her bed that she really wants when it comes down to actual intercourse.

    You don't say if he is on any medications or has any health issues. Many health disorders and medications can cause a drop off in libido. Other limiters include weight, diet, exercise, and sleep. Another factor is pressure. Pressure to have sex (whether from a partner or internal) can cause a person to back off. Many time people don't even realize that pressure is there until it is relieved by both people backing up and looking at intimacy in a different way.

    Don't rely on outside sources to tell you whether you are sexy or not. Be confident in yourself. If you feel sexy to yourself, then it will show in how you interact with him.

    Interacting with him brings us back to communicate with him. Speculation and jumping to conclusions will probably end up with you running around in circles. Talk with him and perhaps you can find better ways to exercise your imagination such as with your partner.
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    SONG4YOU's Avatar
    SONG4YOU Posts: 1, Reputation: -1
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    #6

    Oct 10, 2011, 06:55 AM
    He might still love you, but he is willing to have sex with other white woman.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 75,733, Reputation: 7219
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    #7

    Oct 10, 2011, 07:01 AM
    If you have lived apart for 2 years, you can not expect things to be "like it was" he has gotten used to doing things his way, having privacy and has to get used to being in a house with someone else.

    And again, porn can get addicted, if he can not just stop watching it for a week or two, he may have a problem,

    Ask him why he will not watch it with you or share the time with you.

    And no, his favorite has nothing to do with you, if it did, he would have went with a white girl. He perhaps like to dream about something else sometimes, most men do.
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