My 18-year-old daughter is in a sexual relationship with her long-time boyfriend. She and I are very close, and she has been open with me about being sexually active. This boyfriend was her first sexual relationship, and she came to me for birth control and condoms, which I provided.

Although we've discussed sex openly, I have come across a difficult topic that I think needs to be addressed. I overheard a conversation between her and her boyfriend, and it was revealed that they have tried anal sex at least once, and they didn't...ummm..."know what they were doing". What I mean by that is that they were going about this without certain knowledge that is important in perventing injury and/or infection.

So, I have this information about what they're doing (or did at least once), and although it's an uncomfortable topic, I feel strongly that I should discuss this with my daughter. I do not want her to get hurt or engage in anything dangerous. Does anyone have any advice about how in the world I would bring this subject up with her?

Wondergirl

During a pleasant time with her over coffee and cookies or while doing something quiet together, can you mention to her, "Are you aware that there are all kinds of ways of pleasing your partner sexually?" (not an open-ended question, but if you two are that close, maybe she will roll with it). Maybe even begin to mention some of the alternative ways including anal sex.

justamom

See, that's where I am not sure what's appropriate. While we've always been open with each other, I've regarded the details of her sex life as private and I have never talked to her about things like...techniques and such. We obviously discussed the fact that she is sexually active, and we discussed things like protection and STD's and such, but not any specific sexual activity per se. The closest I've coming to being "nosey" is that I talked to her about whether her boyfriend is good and respectful and gentle with her in their sexual relationship. Somehow I needed the reassurance that he was being as kind to her as I'd like to believe, and she assured me that he was. I'm a little confused as to how much more "probing" (no pun intended) is appropriate from me as a mom.

Also, while I appreciate the above response to my question (I really do), the verbage of "Are you aware that there are all kinds of ways of pleasing your partner sexually?" would just be soooo not my style. Are their any other suggestions about how to bring the subject up?

Wondergirl

Hmmm, is there a way to broach the subject that's in your style? Maybe you should just let her know (which she apparently does already) that you are there if she has questions. It may not be her style to ask her mother about anal sex. If her bf is as loving and sweet as you think he is, she will probably be ok. They may have already googled for help or asked another adult.

justamom

Thanks for your input, Wondergirl. I was leaning toward just letting her know I am here if she has questions. I guess my fear is that she won't ask about this subject because she doesn't know she has questions. In other words, there's stuff she doesn't know, but she doesn't know that. If that makes any sense. LOL.

Boyfriend is sweet with her, but not always the sharpest tool in the shed...if you know what I mean. I don't know if he'd have thought through it enough to have done any research. Daughter may have Googled it, but she doesn't have her own computer right now, and she hasn't had much access to mine lately (I've just had it tied up an awful lot). So, I'm not sure when/how she would've done that. And I'm pretty sure that if she had, they wouldn't be going about things the way they are.

Anyway, all opinions and thoughts are appreciated here. Keep 'em coming! I am really glad I found this forum!

Wondergirl

I understand about her not knowing she has questions. I have two adult sons who never knew they had questions either....

This technique is probably not their favorite anyway. The best (hmmmm) thing that can be said for it is that one can't get pregnant that way, so the bf might not use a condom.

You sound like a common-sense mom who has raised a common-sense daughter. Trust her?

Dennis777

Hello.

Telling her the facts about anal sex are easy its how to open that door thats the hard part so how about getting a ladies Magazine that has an add for Lube. Make sure its open to that page as you sit down with her for coffee and out of the blue ask her if she has ever tried this type of lube. If she says "No why" then she opened the door for you and you can tel her that at times a Lady needs a little help and if she is wanting to be a little kinky and try new ways it is very helpfully. If she says yes then you can ask her if it works as good in one hole as the other.

I know its a set up but you can't just say HEY i herd you talking about anal sex and how you did it dry and it hurt then, hand her a tube of lube with a smile. OK i guess you could hehhe.


You sound like a Fantastic Mom and she is lucky to have you by her side.

Good Luck
Dennis777

Jesushelper76

In my opinion, It is not up to you. If she feels comfortable approaching you about it let her, but she is 18 and an adult and some things are best left alone.

This is something that they need to experiment with or discover things on their own. Not every detail of your daughters experience needs to go through you.

Joe

Kattalover

Kudos for being such a courageous mom!!!

You didn't say whether or not you have personal experience with anal sex. My advice is to learn as much about it as you can in case your daughter brings up the subject again. If she does, you could ask her questions like, "Are you using a good lubricant?"

One of the most important aspects of anal intercourse is hygiene. Alternating between the vagina and the anus is a very bad idea because intestinal bacteria could be transferred into the vagina and cause an extremely unpleasant (and painful) infection. So you might remind her that her boyfriend should use a condom during anal sex, for sanitary reasons.

Good luck!

americangayboy

You could just flatly say, "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I overheard you and Billy talking about anal sex. I want you to know that there are certain precautions to take when doing this..." and then go into the necessity of using waterbased lubrication with condoms or tell her to view Sexual Health Network - sexually transmitted diseases - herpes - gentital herpes - herpes picture. This website has a lot of useful information and isn't vulgar (many times, when trying to find honest answers regarding sexuality, one has to sift through hundreds of pages of porn!). I hope this helps!