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I am a 24 year old woman, the mother of a two year old, and a loving wife, but my sex drive is dead. I much prefer the foreplay part of sex (touching, cuddling, kissing, etc.) to the act itself, and this is starting to take its toll on my marriage. I work, take care of my son almost exclusively (except for when my in laws watch him each day so I can sleep [I work at night]), do the cooking, the laundry, the dishes, basically everything except the bills and the "guy stuff" around the house, and at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is expend more energy by having sex. I can barely keep my eyes open on my weekend to watch Nip/Tuck. Because of this, my husband is very distant and busies himself with hobbies, work, and "stuff". We hardly talk anymore, and when we do, it's akin to cavemen grunting. I get almost no help around the house, and if I want help, I have to ask for it a few times before I get it, so it's like I have two children. We've talked about this to death and I'm still no closer to where I was a year or so ago.
It's not a matter of not having an orgasm, as when he performs oral sex on me, I do have one. I never have one during sex, but that's probably because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. I fake that I'm into sex when we're doing it and I dont just lay there like a wet blanket, but in my mind, I feel like screaming.
I was abused as a child (beaten regularly, raped and molested on two different occasions), and the thought of sex turns my stomach. If I went the rest of my life without it, I would be just fine, but in a marriage that is almost impossible. My husband thinks that if I just let go of the past, I'll be fine, but how can I just forget about what has happened to me? I've had counseling suggested to me, but having been in counseling with my parents for a few years in my early teens, I think that they are a bunch of quacks (no offense).
I've tried taking Avlimil, but I got pregnant before it could take effect, I've tried talking to my husband, but he doesn't really understand and therefore, just avoids the issue until we try having sex and it fails, and I've tried trying new things, sexually speaking, but at the end of the day, I still hate sex. I'm really at the end of my rope and I have a feeling that if this keeps up, a divorce will be in my near future.
Can anyone relate or maybe give me some advice? Anything is appreciated at this point.
I'm sorry to hear that you were abused as a child. However, these past events are probably contributing to your current sexual issues. I think it would be helpful to try couples counselling, so that your husband would better understand your experiences. If he isn't willing, than certainly, it would be beneficial for you to get some support from a counsellor. I'm not talking about Freudian analysis if that's what you mean by "quacks", but perhaps a psychologist who has expertise in post traumatic stress or sexual disorders would be able to help you figure out what's going on.
You mentioned that you are able to reach orgasm from oral stimulation, but that "trying new things, sexually speaking" is not pleasurable. Do you mean new positions? Are you receiving sufficient clitoral stimulation? Is your husband attending to your particular erongenous zones, whatever they may be? Are you able to enjoy masturbation? Do you experience pain during intercourse? I know that there is a significant proportion of women who do experience pain, so you are not alone.
Sorry if these are personal questions, but I have a psychology background and these are some of the issues that are rather common in sexual dysfunction.
We have tried new positions, games, role-playing, dress-up, but nothing seems to help. Actually, when we tried tying me up and blindfolding me once, I freaked out and told my husband to untie me and that I didn't like it, but he thought I was role-playing and kept going. It was only when I started crying that he undid the blindfold and let me go.
I don't have pain during sex, but I don't really feel much of anything, pain or pleasure. I do all the right things like hugging and kissing during sex, but in my mind, I'm not really there. I don't masturbate at all as I find it awkward and embarrassing, even if I'm alone.
I think you should give masturbation a try, as that is one of the best ways to learn about your own body and what makes it feel good. I realize it may be awkward, but perhaps you can try imagining your husband stimulating you orally or some other fantasy, while you are doing it. Also, I think a vibrator would definitely help -- then maybe you can incorporate that into sex with your husband.
In addition, it is definitely important to address the other issues you mentioned, such as the fact that you are overworked and stressed. It is difficult to relax and enjoy yourself when you are so overburdened, so is there any way to get some additional (hired) help at home?
I agree with the above posts. I definately think that masturbation would help. If you know what you like, then its easier to include your husband. Find time when you can be undisturbed (in the shower or bath, late at night, ect) and go for it. Sex can be really great, especially after a long hard day.
It's clear to me that your problem lies within your head, not below your waist! You were very clear when you said I hate sex. Whacking off isn't going to change that............
Role playing not usually a good idea when a person is having problems from sexual abuse. A better approach is maybe relax with a few drinks or glass of wine. Then some full body oil massages for both of you. Where he brings you to orgasm and you bring him to orgasm. Then both of you will have satifaction as you work through you emotional stress. Adult toys or as Doctor Ruth calls them marital aids can bring back the love and lust for both of you and give you to person secrets to share and keep as you did when younger sneaking around. Silk Satin feathers oils powders like honey dust can help you start to feel like the hot sexy women he sees you as. Nothing is better in life than sex that has love behind it. What you a failing to see before you were taken and used and now it is love making you desirable and that is a very hard thing to find in life when love makes two people want each other.
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