My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. We have been living together for at least one year. I am his first sexual partner. We used to have sex almost daily, but lately it's once in a few months, and I have a very high sex drive. He doesn't do anything all day, he quit school (college) and hasn't really tried to get a job. He stays home all day and plays online, the only time he leaves the house is when I make him go shopping with me or when he's going to his magic the gathering card game club. I love him, and he loves me (as far as I can tell) but I can't get his sex drive to go up. When I try to turn him on, he pushes me away I've tried everything I can think of, vitamins that increase all things sexual in a man (making him take them), wearing sexy things, working out to make myself more attractive to him, playing his games with him, buying porn. But nothing works, he says it's not me, and he says he's frustrated because I'm frustrated. I am just so confused and really wish that I could make him want to have sex with me. He is not cheating on me, I am sure of it. He stays home all day, and I've come home early from work a few times unannounced to check and he's always playing online or sleeping during the day. I am tired of the excuses and want to know if there's anything that I haven't thought of to try...

Hello ember:

Have you thought about getting a new boyfriend??

Look, you're young. He's young. At your age, you should be getting laid at least twice a day.

You're not. Not even close. Something is wrong. You're not going to fix it, and it ain't going to get better. Say bye bye.

excon

Sounds like the guy might be suffering from depression... has he even seen a doctor yet?

This fellow has serious problems. You would be smart to find someone else... someone who works, someone not attached to a computer-a guy with hobbies.

If a young able-bodied man doesn't work at least full time, he loses a lot of self-esteem. It is a man's role in life to work, be productive and have a woman compliment him on his efforts. Feel manly. :) As it is now, you are taking care of him, like a mother takes care of a child. You need a more equal relationship... man to woman.

*If* you are into controlling your man, time to learn a different way.

Best wishes to you in the future, :)

Once in a few months? This isn't a sexuality problem, you're relationship isn't working. Don't make the same mistake many of us did and waste precious time in a relationship that you know isn't going anywhere.

He sounds timid and childish. He needs to grow up and he can't do that if someone is taking care of him.

The writing is on the wall.

I don't advise dumping a man you love, and who loves you, because he has a problem. While I agree with ex-con in that you should be having more frequent sex, the fact that you are not, is only one more problem to add to the list.

He's dropped out of college, not looking for work, plays online, and sleeps during the day. That is not normal behaviour for a young man, not to have a little more life in him, and a greater drive just for living.

Maybe it isn't about the sex after all. What if you'd been with him for 10 years and sex was great, and all of a sudden he lost his job, lost interest in everything except sleeping and playing online games. Would you be so quick to dump him as some are saying here, or would you try to help him.

What I would do, just my opinion here, is have him get a thourough checkup. Rule out the obvious; depression, chemical imbalance, any physical or psychological problem that might be the cause of all of the characteristis he displays, not just the lack of a sex drive.

Let him know, after he gets the all clear, that ALL the issues have to be addressed, and give him some idea of what YOU expect from him. i.e.. getting a job, seeing a therapist, maybe getting some job training, taking courses etc. You may want to consider the alternatives to him choosing to remain this way, but what's to say that reasonable expectations may just not pay off, and the relationship will be more important to him than you think.

My guess is if he is motivated to change his lifestyle, and start living again, his sex drive will improve.

Once again I say, don't give up on him without a fight.

It isn't you, and you really cannot solve this problem.

He is undirected and unmotivated. He is experiencing, most likely, depression and anxiety about "what to do next"...

Most relationships take some work. Few great loves have perfect overlap. I am thankful my love didn't leave me when I went through a about of depression, tied to job struggles and stresses (new baby, bigger house, bigger bills)... I was used to working at least one, if not two, jobs... from the time I was 14 and up.

Depression, stress, and anxiety absolutely can kill libido. Young men with ED issues often respond well to two things... help dealing with mental blocks and exercise. Sounds like he isn't getting either.

And once you experience ED issues its an ugly feedback cycle... performance anxiety begets ED, which sustains the anxiety.

So... I can sympathize with him a little, but NOT enough at all to let him off the hook and to make you do all the emotional heavy lifting.

He needs to get his $h!t together. You can't do it for him. And you cannot drag yourself down because he isn't getting off his arse.

We all get lost somewhere along the way. If he was at least searching for a way out, there would be a reason to hope.

Those of us who say "leave him" say it most likely because we have wasted precious time, years even, on people we loved and relationships we were vested in, when it really was time to at least take a hard step back, if not away.

I "wasted" nearly two years on a relationship, a great love of 6 years, who let go of the steering wheel and just wouldn't engage as I needed. I don't completely regret trying to salvage that relationship. I did some heavy lifting and have nothing to be ashamed of concerning effort.

But I'm surely ticked about the mental and emotional baggage that relationship dumped on me for far too long.

You are feeling neglected, alone, unsure, unattractive, and perhaps cornered.

If you were my sister I would tell you that you love a man who isn't right for you, at least not as is, and that you need to take a hard step back. Its "easier" on the surface to stay, not move out, not draw a hard line... but a little acute pain might shake him into facing the reality he isn't facing. The chronic necrosis that's happening now... it isn't fair to you, and you do deserve better... whether that's with him or without.

Read the posts here and you'll see women ten, twenty years into relationships with unattentive men (and men with unattentive women)... it isn't a pretty place to be, and it isn't like marriage makes things magically better.

Marriage makes you face your faults and your partners faults every day... in addition to sharing the joys and love... it takes work and compromise and a willingness for both people to be vested.

"my bf is a great guy but..." is heard here all the time... you aren't a fool for being in this place and you aren't alone... but you do get some choices to make, and a prettier bra and panty combo isn't going to fix this. Time to draw some lines and live by them.

He feels bad about ED? OK. He needs to do something about it. Eliminate stress and anxiety (find joy in life too much to ask?). Exercise. Follow good nutrition habits. Get restfull sleep. Don't smoke. Don't do drugs. Don't drink too much. Talk to your partner about life... goals, money, sex, etc. spend time focused on each other. Spend time with other people (friends!). Spend time on yourself, including his getting his head right.

If he isn't willing to address these issues, he is accepting that this place, where you feel neglected, is OK, easier, convenient for him.

It might all be in his head, but that doesn't mean he is allowed to just accept it and give up... well, yes, he is allowed, but you aren't obligated to stay.

Exactly how old are the two of you?

After reading your post, the first two thoughts that flashed into my mind were depression and/or substance abuse. It certainly sounds like he is depressed. Is he using drugs perchance? I know you didn't mention anything about possible substance abuse, but drug use and excessive drinking often go hand in hand with the behaviors you described. They could also play a major role in his drastically changed sex drive. If he is involved in one of these things, he might be trying to self medicate his way out of the pain and disappointments he is probably feeling about the way he's living his life.

Ideally, I would bet that he would benefit tremendously from seeing a therapist. Financing it might not be easy, but if you really love him, believe in him, and truly think he can get out of this funk, it might very well be worth it.

I feel for you, girl.

Sounds like your boyfriend is not happy. It really sounds like he needs some fun and happy times in his life try that and the sex will follow. Try going with the flow sex happens best when its not forced on someone.