My boyfriend won't touch, have sex w/ me

Maybe he has fallen out of love with you and just hasn't gotten the nerve up to say it.

But having said that its a rare man that would be in bed with a woman that would turn down her advances.....if he liked her or not.

I think there may be more than one problem in play here.....but it might be hard to guess which ones without him being more forthcoming to you.

Could be physical or emotional. It can also be because he feels are pushing him. Guess since you are not married, you have two choices. Stay in the relationship and try and convince him to see a doctor and get help, or move on.

You're better off asking him straight out than asking us, honestly.

If he won't give you a straight answer, then I'd probably give up on him and find someone that didn't make me feel bad about myself.

Thank you all. It makes me feel better to read your answers and to know that you took the time to address the concerns of a (blithering, confused, embarrassed) stranger.

And Synnen, you're absolutely right. While I don't know if he'll be completely forthcoming, there's no way I can figure out what's going on w/o asking him (first I've got to *locate* him, though).

I'd considered some of those options, but no idea what might be most accurate. Maybe it'd be hard for him to tell me he doesn't love me (esp. After I moved to his city), but I'd gotten the impression he was a VERY brave, non-cowardly person... NOT someone who ran away easily. Of course, I'd also thought he was smutty by nature and incapable of getting through the day w/ o making flirty remarks OR of turning down any form of sex. Figured I might be too close to the situ, so why not ask someone who wasn't?

So writing here was part desperation (bf avoiding me, hard to tell friends who might still meet him the whole story "see, my bf's always had erection probs with me, but he still seemed to WANT me, and I figured we could work it out in time..") and part... Well, I thought that a stranger might see what I might be missing. Maybe I'd been misjudging the situation.

RE: physical/mental issues: He currently has next to NO money because of his employment probs. No ins, either. And I think he sees shrinks as useless yuppie ornaments. I can afford all of these, and could/would offer to pay for it, but... I really think that'll bother him.

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

Yea I really suggest that you sit him down and have him tell you straight up what's going on.. And tell him if he doesn't give you an honest answer (no bull) then you're leaving him..

You seem to be an independent chick and you'll be fine without him..

I always keep this thought in my head when things go wrong in a relationship " don't stay miserable in a relationship just because you're afraid to be alone"

be strong and good luck

Ole,

You don't have a boyfriend, you just call him a boyfriend. Actions speak louder than words, my friend.

If a man treats you lovingly and with consideration....makes love to you and thinks of ways to please you....that is a boyfriend!

I recommend that you see a therapist to help you at this tender and confused stage of your life. You deserve the best life has to offer.

Best wishes,

WoW! Your question hits a little too close to home. I've been dating my guy for 3 years now, 2 of which were long distance.(he supported me to go to Austin for school) Everythings always been great, even while I was gone, he even told me several times he wanted to marry me and told me detailed sketches of what our life could be like together when I was finished. Now I'm done and just moved back. Been here 2 months now and he's holding my hand and all about the I Love You's and I miss you but no sexual anything anymore. That has never been a problem before and now I'm so confused. I finally asked him what was going on and he said he thought he had a rash or something worse and would go to the doctor at the end of the month. So, things start to make sense again. Then his appointment comes around and he goes and finds out he's good to go, no problems. So new years eve comes along and we had a great night, truly. We laughed, kissed, shot firecrackers, went to his place and he was all over me. He finished in about 1 minute then quickly got up, changed and laid down. I asked him if he was through and he said no give him a minute and 2 minutes later he was snoring. I drove myself home and the next day out of desperation, confusion and hurt ego and feelings I said I think we need to take a break. His reply........ok, (thats it, 2 letters is all I get after 3 years and all the I love you's) and he dropped me off and have not talked since(4 days). It doesn't make any sense. Should I call him and try to talk about it again, assume this is the end and try to move on broken-hearted, or wait it out a week or two and talk after some time has passed to clear our heads? I'm dying over here too and don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him at all but I don't want to be a doormat either. It shouldn't be like this now that we both finally got what we were asking for. Right?

Peacekeeper,
I’m really sorry to hear that. ☹

Yeah, mine did some similar stuff… asking me about what areas I might want to live in, my feelings about house types, neighbors, etc. Then I came here, and (whoosh!).

Bear in mind that I might not be the best advice source. I had *no* clue re: what my bf's issue was at the time. Still…

A rash? Huh. To me it sounds like your boyfriend could be having some sexual problems and is trying to cover up/deny it. In my experience, guys can be funny about admitting to problems in that area. And there are many reasons why it can happen. Stress alone can do it.

And it sounds like there might be a little stress there for both of you. Years of anticipation and now that you're finally together, it's supposed to be perfect. That’s a LOT of pressure. Then two months w/o physical contact had you wondering about the relationship… so when your boyfriend did a hit and run, you thought this was how things were going to be from now on.

Does that sound right?

If that was the first time you did it in awhile, I’d cut him a little slack. I know two months w/o sex is maddening --esp. When you’re spending a lot of time together -- but that night was a starting point. And while it doesn’t sound like a great experience on your end, the fact that he went so fast suggests that he was VERY excited and eager. So it’s not a matter of him not wanting you. And you said he's been v. Affectionate otherwise, right? He might've have been looking forward to sex just as much as you were but been unable to keep an erection. The doctor's visit might relate to that.

Did he usually conk out right after sex before? ‘Cause I’ve found the falling asleep thing to be kind of typical w/ men and not related to attitude/selfishness. It’s just a physical response... Annoying, but common. Like snoring.

I would suggest that you contact your boyfriend and ask him if he’d be willing to meet and talk with you. Had you been looking forward to being together with him? Tell him. Have you enjoyed the time you’ve been spending together so far (no-sex aside)? Tell him. If you still care about him, tell him so. Do you still want him? Tell him. If he’s having sexual issues, he probably needs reassurance there. Telling him you wanted to take a break immediately after that bad night may have reinforced this. You could try telling him you’re concerned about him (rather than pointing out your sexual dissatisfaction; if it’s something he’s already worried about, that prob. Won’t help). There’s a TON of entries in this site re: guys who don’t/can’t last. You might want to check those out, too.

As to why it’s happening…

Your boyfriend may have felt some extra pressure to perform now that you’re in town; not necessarily from anything you said or did, but simply due to his own expectations. Like when you want an event to be perfect so badly that it makes you nuts. Or maybe he might be feeling other things are expected of him now that he’s not comfortable with. Financial stuff, housing, being more responsible, etc. Have there been any other changes in his life besides your arrival? Anything that could cause stress or distraction?

Some of this may be the cause, or all of it, or none of it. If you can talk to him, then you stand a better chance of finding out.

Weird to say, but it seems like long distance relationships are a LOT easier than in-person ones.

Good luck, and I truly hope things work out for you!

Well if he's always had these problems I don't think it's stress. Have you considered that maybe he doesn't like girls? Seriously! Not to be funny or anything.