We all do that. The no knicker girls are annoying, yet you can't look away!

If I find out that he is carrying on a sexual conversations, I think I'd have to pause our relationship and define to myself, the meaning of infidelity.

Him watching porn while I am asleep and not being able to communicat it is definitely an issue in this relationship. I am trying to understand though, is it because I'm asleep that he can't wake me up and tell me that he's feeling sexual, or is it because I'm asleep that he feels like he can be more sexual?
You are right, the uncertainty may be what is inflicting the first pain.
I am not sure though, that I would get turned on by the fact that my b/f runs with his laptop to the bathroom in his most clandestine way.
I know my partner is very passionate, but I guess I'd like his passion to be directed towards me.
And thinking about it a little more, I don't think my attitude would remain positive about porn, if I began suspecting his stimulation, while with me, was entirely and solely based on his pornographic memory. In fact, I think I'd feel used.

And since we are only able to guess the reason for his extreme secrecy, he may even be talking to... guys!! Stranger things have happened, no!!

I didn't say that I knew what he thought... I said it was the best POSSIBLE way to look at it.

This is not about pornography folks, but the inability of one spouse not talking to the other. Not only is communication needed, but how to communicate. All the assumptions and confused feelings can be cleared up by just asking him what he is doing, and why, in an honest non threatening manner. You'd be surprised to know what people really think and why they do what they do so TALK AND LISTEN and don't get caught in every ones speculations. No matter what the issue is from porn to snoring working together through communicating is the way couples solve their problems to the benefit of them both.

Guys like seeing naked women... its how we are wired. However as long as he does not deprive you of what you need in the way of intimacy and contact you have been accustomed to get then its not an issue. Now if he is because all he can do is stay online then it starts to rise to the level of an addiction.

I do this (watch porn) but don't hide if from my wife who is there when I am online.


Now if you are talking chat rooms... thats a whole different thing.

Guys like seeing naked women... its how we are wired.
<> this is true, but 'how we are wired' is NOT always how we should behave. We are also 'wired' to feel emotions such as hate, desire for revenge, violence, but it does not mean that we should give in to them. What is wrong is wrong... majority of opinion can/will never alter that fact. We are human, we have 'free will', we are not animals,we do not act/react according to 'instinct'. It is this fact more than any other, apart from our conscience, that separates us for the lower species. It is exactly because our sense of right and wrong has been diluted over the years, that man often behaves worse than an animal. Man chooses... animals do not!

However as long as he does not deprive you of what you need in the way of intimacy and contact you have been accustomed to get then its not an issue.
<> the fact that the young lady is uncomfortable (very) with his behaviour proves that she IS being deprived. She does not agree with it, yet he insists on doing it, and so does it in the middle of the night, which now deprives her of her sleep.

Now if he is because all he can do is stay online then it starts to rise to the level of an addiction.
<>!! The man is sitting on the loo in the middle of the night, behind a locked door!!
If that is not an addiction... I haven't seen one...

I do this (watch porn) but don't hide if from my wife who is there when I am online.
<> if she was asked: "madam, would you rather that your husband did not watch porn at all, ever...what would she say??"

Now if you are talking chat rooms... thats a whole different thing.
<> chatrooms are only worse, not different in a good way.

Well, she is demanding he not watch porn even when she is not there. Would she have the same objection when she is not there if he is off work that day? I'll be she does, Does he object when she chats away with her lady friends or spends the weekend shopping with them? Does he agree with this? Odds are this is possible.

I sense a bit of controlling behavior here. She is trying to dictate every little thing he does, his entire day. I don't hear, I have a problem with my husband because he spends 6+ hours a day watching porn, I hear she has a problem he is watching porn AT ALL. There is a HUGE difference there.

You know marriage is a two way street. Henpeck a man about something and it only reinforces that behavior. I'm sure she might do something he highly disagrees with. Its not a he MUST do as I say while I do as I wish. That's exactly the sort of behavior that drives many men to have affairs or even end up resenting their wives not to mention divorce, Many (but not all I will admit) of those women are also the most boorish people in bed as well.

Porn for men is no different than your average daytime soap operas are for women. It becomes a problem if it becomes hours on end. Would she rather he watch porn at times or start watching other women? And I am not saying the latter is acceptable.

Now chatrooms I totally agree because there is human interaction and is a whole different thing. Particularly if he is talking with women (or even men) online. Looking at photos is a whole different thing than talking with people. I NEVER do chatrooms, period.


Now you may or may not agree with this (and you are entitled to either way) but this is my opinion on the topic.

There is a way to go about things, and communicating to solve this problem to the benefit of both is the way to go. If nobody is willing to give, then we have a stalemate, and no growth or progress can be made, and yes I agree she sound controlling and unbend able. More of a mother than a mate.

Hi Everyone-

Thanks for sharing all that:o .
I guess I need a more direct way of talking with him about what he is doing. I honestly don't know... he could be chatting at the worse case or watching porn at the best. There aren't that many other things one can do that can take the place of sleep at 2am...
I've tried asking in a non-chalant, non-threatening way (what were you doing up so late). I've tried a more clever, interrupting way (I need to use the restroom).
I was wondering if you all thought it would be worth the hassle to say I suspect he watches porn/chats online only to get a very rehearsed response of "no, baby I wasn't in the bathroom that long...blah blah...I dont watch porn....blah blah I love you...blah blah...i don't want to disturb you when you are asleep...blah blah reading the news...".
I suppose this is becoming an issue of trust, then? If I know that something is going on, without any proof where do I go? I hope I'm not making this more complicated...

So do I have a problem with porn? Instinctly, emotionally, I'd answer yes. But that has a lot do with my own background/experience. On a more practical level, I'd answer no. I mentioned I understood the indoctrinated/natural factor for men. It's part of their growth, I guess.

In terms of controlling behavior... I'd disagree. Perhaps expectations is a clearer description. I don't expect to feel used. I don't expect to be degraded. I expect to be treated and loved just as I treat and love. So, if I were to run on a shopping spree at 2am when he was asleep, I suppose it wouldn't bother me as much if he were to intoxicate himself hours on end online. I'm not married, so I don't know a thing about marriage or divorce. Hey, this is my first "real" relationship... I do know that I need to pick my battles. Another reason why I am here asking you...

SMOOTHY, TALANIMAN... maybe you guys should read her words again...
WHERE on God's earth do you see 'control' in them!!
*****
Hey gang-
Not sure if I am posting in the correct topic.
My boyfriend secretly watches porn when he thinks I am asleep by sneaking his laptop into the bathroom and locking the door.
This may be natural... but it is very aggrevating and hurtful.
Two cents on a couple questions are welcomed:
Is this helpful for our sexual relationship? In that if I give off the vibe that I don't want sex, and he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
Naively, this is my first relationship... so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? Should I be worried?
Thanks much!
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Yes, but you see-he locks the door. I tried the "I need to use the restroom" tactic. All he has to do is close the browser.
What would you suggest I do then? Grab his laptop and screen his history--oh and the history part, his mozilla has the feature to delete all history/temp int files/cookies upon closing.
Ugh seems like a no win situation.
Sorry for my discouraged attitude... thanks for your advice, though. I'd like more if you come up with anything else.
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If I find out that he is carrying on a sexual conversations, I think I'd have to pause our relationship and define to myself, the meaning of infidelity.
Him watching porn while I am asleep and not being able to communicat it is definitely an issue in this relationship.
I am trying to understand though, is it because I'm asleep that he can't wake me up and tell me that he's feeling sexual, or is it because I'm asleep that he feels like he can be more sexual?
You are right, the uncertainty may be what is inflicting the first pain.
I am not sure though, that I would get turned on by the fact that my b/f runs with his laptop to the bathroom in his most clandestine way.
I know my partner is very passionate, but I guess I'd like his passion to be directed towards me.
And thinking about it a little more, I don't think my attitude would remain positive about porn, if I began suspecting his stimulation, while with me, was entirely and solely based on his pornographic memory. In fact, I think I'd feel used.
*****
Well, she is demanding he not watch porn even when she is not there.
<> I see no 'demand' as such, all I see is that she is greately bothered by it, hurt by it, made to feel uncomfortable about it, and he doesn't give a monkeys about her feelings.

Would she have the same objection when she is not there if he is off work that day? I'll be she does.
<> I don't know. Maybe yes maybe no, but that isn't what this is all about, not what she is asking advice about. I happen to think that she should because I'm against porn, but what I have also noticed is that, apart from me, and I think another (apologies if I'm wrong), guys seem to be on his side. Nobody takes the girls feelings into consideration.

Does he object when she chats away with her lady friends or spends the weekend shopping with them? Does he agree with this? Odds are this is possible.
<> you're WAY off the topic here! You're digressing and turning the whole situation on her, as if SHE is doing something wrong, SHE is not! You are actually comparing leering over pornography to shopping! And for what... shoes? Groceries? Come on... if HE was AGAINST her "shopping" or talking to her friends, than that really WOULD be controlling.
Let's me fair guys... hm!

I sense a bit of controlling behavior here. She is trying to dictate every little thing he does, his entire day.
<> what 'every little thing'?? For one, porn is not a 'little thing'... and for another, porn is the only 'thing' we are talking about here, nothing else.

I don't hear, I have a problem with my husband because he spends 6+ hours a day watching porn, I hear she has a problem he is watching porn AT ALL. There is a HUGE difference there.
<> (a) they are not married, and this is her FIRST relationship. Yes there is a difference as you say, but... is it WRONG to be against PORN!!

You know marriage is a two way street.
<> WHAT MARRIAGE!!

Henpeck a man about something and it only reinforces that behavior. I'm sure she might do something he highly disagrees with.
<> u are making excuses for him. Is this a guy thing or what!! U don't even KNOW HIM yet you defend him as though you do, as though your best buddies.
And, where in her words do you see that she henpecks him? And, on the basis of what are you so sure that she does things he finds disagreeable?
I'm sorry mate, but you are not being totally fair.

Its not a he MUST do as I say while I do as I wish. That's exactly the sort of behavior that drives many men to have affairs or even end up resenting their wives not to mention divorce, Many (but not all I will admit) of those women are also the most boorish people in bed as well.
<> er... I don't know who you are referring to here, but you cannot be thinking about her.

Porn for men is no different than your average daytime soap operas are for women.
<> lol... you'd be surprised to hear how many men watch that nonsense too :O)

It becomes a problem if it becomes hours on end. Would she rather he watch porn at times or start watching other women? And I am not saying the latter is acceptable.
<> say what you will, you or anyone, but immorality is wrong, and porn is immoral.

Now chatrooms I totally agree because there is human interaction and is a whole different thing. Particularly if he is talking with women (or even men) online. Looking at photos is a whole different thing than talking with people. I NEVER do chatrooms, period.

Now you may or may not agree with this (and you are entitled to either way) but this is my opinion on the topic.
<> I think it's obvious that we disagree, but that's OK... that at least is not immoral, haha..
*****
There is a way to go about things, and communicating to solve this problem to the benefit of both is the way to go.
<> absolutely! But HE isn't communicating!

If nobody is willing to give, then we have a stalemate, and no growth or progress can be made, and yes I agree she sound controlling and unbend able. More of a mother than a mate.
<> as an 'expert' u are making a completely unfair assumption, and on the basis of NON-existant information. Read again, and if need be... again.

RubyPitbull disagrees:
Sorry, but I think you are way off base here.

Robertsqueen agrees:
Disagrees: She didn't come here to be lectured on her boyfriend being morally wrong.. I have to agree wth Ruby that you are way off base.

Immorality is not a question of being on or off base, so your comments don't hold water. I did make a comment above that men seem to be defending him, yet you 2 ladies seem to be defending him too. Interesting...
And, if I was being off base towards her, it really would be up the her to tell me that, no one else.

Well crocop, I can say that I have known women who Were controlling as all hell, who also complained about a guy watching porn. They demanded certain behavior and turned around and did far worse themselves. That's what I detected in the brief exposure I have had to this member here. In her case was I wrong, its possible, but its also possible I wasn't. Without knowing the entire story in all its minute details and without her possible bias in it then its hard to be certain.

However I do detect a bit of whatever he has done he is automatically wrong and regardless of what's going on she is unconditionally right from your post, and that part is extremely clear. That makes me question your motives behind this.

If you want to talk about assumptions being made, keep in mind you were also making quite a few of your own. It is possible we are all wrong here and he wasn't watching porn at all, and was doing office work for all we know for certain.

From the brief exposure I've given everyone, no more or less to you, you are beyond wrong about me being demanding. Just curious, how did you detect that?


Without knowing the full details, it's better if you didn't respond at all.
Without knowing the entire story about you and the brief exposure you've disclosed about yourself, it's hard to be certain whether your response was some kind of displaced emotional baggage/anger about your past experiences with women or your current experience with your wife... either case, I do not care to know.

I understand what your going through. Let me tell you what I do. When I got married my husband watched porn behind my back. I found out by looking at the history and looking at the trash bin (in the computer).
I told him it bugged me. He asked why and I told him the truth. It made me feel less of a woman. It made me feel that I didn't satisfy his needs. He explained he didn't do it for that reason. So I asked him not to do it.
He might still watch it but what I don't know doesn't hurt me. But now every one in a while I'll turn it to the playboy channel and we'll watch it together. He isn't addicted, and I really find no point of watching porn, but I rather have my husband count on me than on anyone else. And he trusts me and he knows that he doesn't need to hide from me.
Talk to you BF and see if it works. GOOD LUCK:)

To Crocop.
I read what was written quite well, and since you ask crocop, your morality is yours, and has nothing to do with me, and to this point I've pretty much left you alone with what is your opinion. If you read any of my posts the main theme is communication, and with 33 years of marriage under my belt I know excatly what I'm talking about. As far as controlling, what would you call someone who tells you what to do with your free time? Their time. No where has he thrown it in her face, or done it in front of her, but while she knew what he was doing, chose to interrupt and make him stop, controlling and desrespectfull, even in the bathroon she should know to wait till he is through with his business and then talk. So you can wrap yourself around your morality and sugar coat her behaviour but it still stands, she was trying to control his actions because it did not meet her standard as to what a man should be doing with his spare time. I submit respectfully for you to reread what I've written and I really don't care about your morality, if your happy with it, then so am I.

Well crocop, I can say that I have known women who Were controlling as all hell, who also complained about a guy watching porn. They demanded certain behavior and turned around and did far worse themselves.
<> I cannot comment on your experience because you offer no info, you are just accusing them of being controlling and doing something worse. Maybe you are right in your case, maybe not.
Aries on the other hand has offered details and on the basis of those details I have formulated my comments/opinions, and I still challenge you to show me evidence of her trying to control him. Pornography is a huge issue with people, and she has a God given right to be anti it. No?

That's what I detected in the brief exposure I have had to this member here. In her case was I wrong, its possible, but its also possible I wasn't.
<> exactly! You see a 50/50 possibility, yet you are still prepared to accuse her of being controlling. In a court of law, your argument would last 5 seconds.

Without knowing the entire story in all its minute details and without her possible bias in it then its hard to be certain.
<> of course she is biased! How can she NOT be!! The issue is a large one, and one she finds difficult to accept. Your argument of being biased would only apply if she was, say, supporting a friend of hers, because she's a friend, kind of like a vested interest.

However I do detect a bit of whatever he has done he is automatically wrong and regardless of what's going on she is unconditionally right from your post, and that part is extremely clear. That makes me question your motives behind this.
<> my motives!! That's a very odd thing to say. I'm against pornography, and immorality in general (as should we all be), and his behaviour is childish. If he's so hooked on it, why shove it in her face? His love of porn is even preventing her access into the loo in the middle of the night. I fail to see how in all this anyone can make her out to be the bad guy here.

If you want to talk about assumptions being made, keep in mind you were also making quite a few of your own. It is possible we are all wrong here and he wasn't watching porn at all, and was doing office work for all we know for certain.
<> office work... in the loo... behind a locked door... refusing her access... making her, for all we know, pee in her panties... office work... yes of course... why didn't I think of that? Give me a break!

While I do not disagree with your advice to improve communication, I do disagree with your free time comment. If in her free time, your wife chose to participate in a behavior that would aggrevate you and not be open/honest/communicate about it, RelationshipExpert, would you call yourself controlling in trying to figure it out (ie how to facilitate conversation, etc)?
And I do NOT know exactly what he is doing. I'm suspecting that 2+hours in the bathroom with your laptop and headphones until 2am means something. Would you advise with Xyears of marriage under your belt that I wait until he comes out of the bathroom at 3am and ask him about it. What kind of response would I get esp. if he's chosen to HIDE it?

What is my standard as to what a man should be doing with his spare time? Please quote me and do not continue assuming. This part is not helpful.

TALANIMAN... I see no communication from him. As for the bathroom... his business as far as we have been led to believe, and we have no reason to think different, was to play with his laptop. Is that what the loo is for!!
Forgive me in advance if I offend u in any way, that is the last thing I want to do, but.. where do u read that she is telling him what do in his spare time!!
Also... 33 years of marriage doesn't always guarantee anything, but I absolutely agree with you, and am glad that we do agree on something, is that communication is the key to all. However, being able to read a situation well and fairly, and without direct accusations on the basis of unfounded reasons, is equally important. For instance, you are questioning my motives! On what basis? On your opinion? U are guilty of making vast assumptions, with less info than zero.

I read your post quite carefully actually and 99% of my posts address the issue of a lack of communications or a lack of how to communicate. I know very well it takes two and this was my main point.


I tried to address this concern also, which you chose to ignore as with my other posts, as to me assassinating your character you just have to examine the statement of you coming home early to find him watching porn, which is nothing but you controlling his free time to do as he pleases. CONTROLLING! Also your efforts in the bathroom that you assume to be okay was seen as controlling as your intent was one of confrontation, which you call trying to talk to him about his problem. I get it bothers you, but don't blame me for pointing out the obvious, you two do not know how to communicate to solve your problems to the benefit of you both. That is what I got by reading your post and I stand by it 100% as my honest opinion. You can be mad to hear what you don't like or focus on listening and learning to solve your own problems. This may be your first relationship and posting on a public forum but my 33 years of being happily married should let you know that I know a little something' about what couples can do to be healthy. Sorry if it didn't meet your needs.