My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We have had cycles of a lot of sex then barely any sex, mainly the latter. I am a very sexual person and want it all the time, he says he wants it but there's always an excuse (stomach hurts, too tired, too sore, maybe later, etc.) He was watching a lot of porn on his computer for a while (and mine, not cool) and we have had some issues with that in the past. I'm totally fine that he watches it, it's just the hiding it and lying about it and the fact that he watches porn and masturbates to the point where it cuts into our sex life that bothers me. He says it does not cut into our sex life but when he's doing that a couple of times a day and I'm not getting any it is. We have watched porn together a couple of times and had a lot of fun and it broke down some of his barriers and embarrassment about watching it, which was great! But I think he is getting back to the point where he is watching it a lot by himself... when I'm home... perfectly capable of having sex. I'll even give him a blow job so he doesn't have to do anything! Come on, what more do I have to do to be touched!

We have a great life together, we cuddle and kiss (the kissing I mostly initiate), and hang out and love being together and love each other very much. I can't imagine my life without him. I just hate that sex has to be planned, "when we get back from ___ we can have sex." It's gotten to the point where its like, OK you promised we would today but since you didn't can we tomorrow? He even got really upset the other night because it had been a week, not the longest time we have gone without, and he said he felt really bad. I feel like at this point he is just having sex with me to make me happy, and it's not fulfilling. I miss when he used to have to have me right this second, something that hasn't happened in a long time. He even buys me nice lingerie and looks at it online with me so he knows what I like and I know what he likes and we joke about the fake boobs and airbrush girls with too much makeup and I have some really hot stuff that he loves when I wear it for him, but it's not too often anymore.

I think the reason why I end up going so crazy is because I get stressed out, I have a lot of family and financial issues, and I need it as a release. Doing it myself isn't cutting in, I need the intimacy with him. He is basically the only one that can keep me sane when my family is driving me up the wall because he has a hectic family too. I need it but I don't want him to feel like he has to give it to me so I pretty much have given up on trying as much to have it any more.

Well this was a lot longer than I meant for it to be, sorry guys. I know some of you are going to say "break up, don't be trapped" but I honestly do not want to break up and I do not feel trapped. We are a great couple and this is pretty much our only issue, except that I usually do the dishes, but he usually takes out the trash so I guess it evens out lol. I just want some help here, from guys if possible, and girls who have been through this type of situation. Should we watch more porn together? Should I just cut off sex for a while and see if he actually does want it? We have talked about it, but I don't always feel like he's being totally straight forward with me because he's embarrassed or whatever else. Do you think he just watches too much porn and masturbates too much that he's desensitized? I mean I got home today and he was in the bathroom with his computer, I even found a little pair of headphones in there, for when I'm home so I can't hear what he's listening to I guess. Am I not being trusting enough? I just don't know what to do anymore. See a counselor? HELP!

Well I am going thro the same thing myself me and my boyfriend haven't had sex for a month so your not the only one. I used to ask for it all the time to but now I have just given up. Why don't you tell him that you would like to watch the porn with him when he watches it that way you could do it for him and see where you go from there.

I think a lot of girls who are having problems and ask questions here to the experts and others are in an unfortunate situation---their boyfriend knows that the girl will do anything just to have him, so when he starts to lose interest he knows he can treat her anyway he wants to and always *get his way*.

Being too passive and needy for a man just invites bad treatment.

Decent men like and respect a woman who has her own sense of self and a some "spunk" to go along with that!

A recent study showed that 77% of men are looking for a wife when they are dating... seventy-seven percent!

You can find the road to happiness in life so you don't have to put up with abuse, whether mild or severe.

I would think you would get back on the road to happiness if you go to a good therapist and discuss your emotional needs and how you are sabotaging your best interests.

Very best wishes to you, :)

Sounds like he has an addiction to porn. Yes, the hand is a different feel than the real thing. He may be increasingly preferring his hand, and also the simplicity of not having to "be" with someone.

Is he willing to admit that this has become a problem in your relationship? It certainly is a problem for you (him too but he doesn't see it at this point.) I'd give him an ultimatum. You are very centered, balanced and could do it kindly.

The porn, as you said, is not the issue. His addictive behavior is. Addiction becomes more important than other people, that's its nature. The addiction gains a firmer hold on him as he continues to entertain it. He must want to stop. You can't do it for him. But you can make it a positive alternative.

Everyone who replied so far is a woman, I think you need a man's perspective.

The problem isn't him, it's you. You're putting way too much pressure on him. You sound like the type that needs a lot of attention and you try to draw it out of him constantly, not realizing that it's draining him. He gets fed up and angry at himself because he feels like he can't satisfy his woman as a man should, so to get his rocks off in a pressure-free environment he looks at porn.

Women often forget men can feel like their under the gun, too. We have to be understanding of your feelings otherwise you'll leave us without a hitch, so it'd be nice if the same treatment was reciprocated.

The same treatment reciprocated? Would that be like being used for sex, like an ashtray, or a porn star?

The issue that the OP has is not just her fault. She is in a relationship and that means two people working together. It does not mean that she puts her needs out there and is rejected repeatedly and never complains. I think he needs pressure. He should get with the relationship program or get out and do it only with his fantasy women.

If a man is too sensitive to deal with the pressures of give and take, pain and joy that comes from relating to someone of the opposite sex, he needs counselling, a different partner or a sexual orientation change.

Mans view- He is a selfish b@st@rd that doesn't know how to communicate, and share. The lousy sex, and the porn is the easy way out, and is a symptom of the real problems.

Haven't checked this in a few days but I do have a bit to add since I'm the one that posted this:

First, when we do have sex it is beyond incredible, multiple orgasms almost every time, so you can't blame a girl for wanting more.
(To be honest though, he does go down on me before we have sex usually because he knows he won't last long- an unfortunate side effect of too much porn and doing certain things. I have told him before, thanks to a useful article in cosmo, that he could use it as a time to try to last longer if he was worried about that. Anyway, I can still have multiples with out the oral, so really, you can't blame me for wanting more.)

Second, he is a total sweetheart of a guy who was totally embarrassed by the fact that I found out about the porn, we have watched it together a couple times since and he isn't as embarrassed about it now, but he still doesn't like to talk about it too much.

Third, to the guy that thinks I'm way too high maintenance and try to get it out of him all the time, I have basically stopped asking. I've tried to take as much pressure off him as possible. He can tell I'm disappointed sometimes but for the most part I try to keep it to myself and play it cool as much as possible. He has some insecurity issues (has gained some weight but was super skinny in the first place so it really looks good on him but he doesn't think so) so we are trying to work on those things together. But to be realistic, this is something that no one can change within you but yourself.

Fourth, to the last two people that posted, we do have to work on our communication. I think, in general, it is more natural for a woman to be more open than a man and it is the case here so I need to find a way to get him to open up more to me. It is like pulling nails with him sometimes!

So guys, what do you think now? Is porn just the easy way out when you feel self conscious? Any suggestions for what I can do?

Bural21-
That is definitely a good one. I would love to do that I just need to figure out how. He is definitely secretive about it and goes in the bathroom if I'm home, where there's a lock on the door. But hello, if you bring your computer in there I'm not an idiot! I have come home early from class or work a couple of times and tried to catch him but he played it off like I surprised him and put it all away before I could try to do something like that. I definitely want to try something like that though. Have you two watched porn together before/since? Do you like porn? Just wondering, its great to hear that your sex life is back on track and I want to follow suit!

At the heart of any relationship, is the ability, to relate, to express, and act, on their feelings, and that of their partner, and when it breaks down for whatever reason, we always get these conflicts, that either bring us together, or drives a wedge between us.

After only two years together, maybe your just seeing the things that were there before the honeymoon ended, and ignored them before. Now your both struggling to figure it out.

That's the key I think in a healthy relationship ,is what you do during these conflicts, and how we express our concerns. And resolve the real issues.

Being honest, why not try to talk directly at this situation, and not catch someone.

For example, I think asking him what he is doing in the bathroom, with his computer, may give you more insight than, just trying to initiate sex, being rejected, and taking it personally, or sneaking up on someone trying to catch them..

Taking things personally, often turns our ears off to some information we need, so though I blasted your b/f for being a selfish b... d before, I'm sure you are playing an unwitting part in his attitude, and actions, as things are very seldom one sided in a relationship, but more cause and effect.

With out honest communications, things generally get worse. But that's the challenge, if this young relationship is to grow for you both.

What you thought that the hard work was over just because you have been together for a while?? Sorry, the work just started, so be direct, and see if he talks to you, and let him know how important his input is.

Know yourself, he is not responsible for your happiness, you are. Just another place to look, for solutions, within yourself.

We have talked about it a little bit. I think one of the biggest factors here is stress, and that goes for both of us. I have tried to directly ask him what's going on in the bathroom but he avoids the question and says he was checking e-mail or something... maybe that's how it started.

I do like the morning sack session idea though. I will have to put that to use for sure. I asked about watching porn together (and we have watched the normal stuff together too, nothing crazy, I don't think either of us could handle that, we like to try new things but I think we are both pretty basic on what we like) but I asked because we have done it 2 times together and it has been a good way for us to both have sex more than usual and it's a fun turning-us-both-on in-the-background kind of thing. It has also made him open up more about watching it on his own and so I think it has made this situation a little better for the both of us.

Anyway, I think we need to keep working on our communications skills is very important and I am trying to do that and I know he is working on it too because it is harder for him to open up. I'll keep updating. One thing I love about these postings is it helps you and others know that you are not alone, so many people deal with the same kinds of things you do. It helps everyone.

Honey have you stop to think that you maybe working him out too much? A man is not able to have sex all the time, everyday,24/7... its not happening... they need time to build up what they have lost... instead of wanting it all the time try working on cutting down on the amount of time that you want it... try having sex 2-3 times a week...

You are putting too much pressure on him as a man... I feel that you have issues and when you do you take it out on him. Try working out what ever issues you have on your own by talking about them not depending on sex all the time...

Believe me, I know they can't do it 24/7, neither could I. Maybe you didn't read the whole thread, (or very much of it at all it seems like) but I don't ask for it all the time, I hardly ever ask for it! That's the point, he brings it up and says he wants to but he's sorry that he can't without me even saying anything. That's why this is so hard. And it doesn't take that much time for a man of any age to "get back what they lost." I don't think I've ever heard any guy say they need more than a day. And 2-3 times a week sounds like it would be nice... if it were even that much.


I don't depend on sex because I know I can't. But for two 20/21 year olds, we should be able to at least hit the 3-4 times a week mark. I think you kind of missed the point here, especially when I said I was trying to help him work out his issues but really the only person that can do that fully is him. This is why I have not been depending on sex MOST of the time, let alone all of the time, so that he can start to feel better about himself. Not saying I don't have issues, just that I am not dumping everything on him like you assumed.