Check out some similar questions!

Jessica1987 · Sep 19, 2009, 03:11 PM

I'm 22 and have been dating a guy for about 6 months now. He's 37 and a surgeon. He's my second boyfriend and a very sweet, smart guy. I recently moved to the city to pursue a Master's Degree, and am a part-time model. Although our occupations and temperaments are completely different, we get along really well and I love him.

For the past few months, he only wants to have sex 1-3 times a month. I think it's too soon in a relationship to encounter sexual boredom. He says he's too tired. I understand he's got a difficult job, but he doesn't even want to have sex on his days off. I'm glad he's not one of those guys who is just into sex, but I think sex is vital to the success of any relationship. Do you think he's gay? Just not into me anymore? We don't live together and we see one another 3-4 times a week. Is that too much?

Help!

artlady · Sep 19, 2009, 04:09 PM

He has a high stress profession and nothing can makes a persons libido wane more than stress and exhaustion.
I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and show patience.
If he is so tired,tell him you will do all the work and all he needs to do is show up :)

Jessica1987 · Sep 19, 2009, 04:19 PM

Thanks for your reply! I know his job is difficult, but he doesn't even want to have sex on his days off. I try to initiate things, but he's rarely in the mood. He also works out a lot which may contribute to his tiredness. Also, he's not one of those surgeons who are on call. When he has time off, he has no work obligations. He doesn't seem crazy about his job, either, and even though he makes a lot of money, he's made it very clear that he's not very passionate about it.

artlady · Sep 19, 2009, 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by Jessica1987

Thanks for your reply! I know his job is difficult, but he doesn't even want to have sex on his days off. I try to initiate things, but he's rarely in the mood. He also works out a lot which may contribute to his tiredness. Also, he's not one of those surgeons who are on call. When he has time off, he has no work obligations. He doesn't seem crazy about his job, either, and even though he makes a lot of money, he's made it very clear that he's not very passionate about it.

Stress can and will kill your libido.
Maybe he is experiencing a bit of a depression.Being in a job you don't like is very depressing.
Talk it out,communication is the key after all.
Tell him you are feeling a little rejected.
Some people simply do not have an intense sex drive.Yes,even men!

Gemini54 · Sep 19, 2009, 11:25 PM

Talk to him about it. It's a difficult conversation, especially for guys, but tell him how you feel.

Talk to him about how the both of you might find out if it is an issue that needs to be resolved, or if it's just that he has a low libido.

Perhaps you can also find out if there are any physical (as well as emotional) problems, as one to three times a month does not seem a lot for a man in his prime.

Having said all that stress can accumulate, and even though his job may not now be stressful if it has been (and I imagine that it would), he may still be feeling the effects of it.

Cat1864 · Sep 20, 2009, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by Jessica1987

I'm 22 and have been dating a guy for about 6 months now. He's 37 and a surgeon. He's my second boyfriend and a very sweet, smart guy. I recently moved to the city to pursue a Master's Degree, and am a part-time model. Although our occupations and temperaments are completely different, we get along really well and I love him.

For the past few months, he only wants to have sex 1-3 times a month. I think it's too soon in a relationship to encounter sexual boredom. He says he's too tired. I understand he's got a difficult job, but he doesn't even want to have sex on his days off. I'm glad he's not one of those guys who is just into sex, but I think sex is vital to the success of any relationship. Do you think he's gay? Just not into me anymore? We don't live together and we see one another 3-4 times a week. Is that too much?

Help!

He's also 15 years older than you are. He has a stressful job even if he isn't on-call. He is in a job that you say he doesn't like. That he is in it for the money only is probably adding to the stress.

Unlike movies make it seem, men aren't always thinking of sex and ready for it. Most men need to be in the "mood" just like most women do. Even on his days off, he probably has a lot to think about including bills, shopping, housework, etc.

CrazyThumper · Sep 24, 2009, 01:15 PM

Jessica- you better address this problem before you get any deeper into the relationship/love. Although sex in a relationship isn't the only part, it is a big part to a lot of people. Because with sex is passion, lovel, desire, openness, etc. I'm in a similar situation as you- but I'm 31 (male).. and the ONLY time I don't want to have sex is if I'm REALLLY tired- the kind of tired where you pass out standing up. Also sex is/should be a good stress reliever.. for most.

The bottom line though is if you are not satisfied, and it is bothering you- which is why you came on here- you need to address it. The feelings of rejection will only become worse as time goes on.. and then you will feel depressed/loneley/invaluable etc.. Talk to him.. be very specific and open and honest. Ask him WHY he is only into having sex a few times a month, what can you do to change it, etc. If it doesn't change, then it might be time to find someone more compatible... it's too soon into a new relationship to "deal" with this feeling and just overlook it.
Thumper

sandalwood7 · Oct 6, 2009, 10:16 PM

I have just read a really good book called "Why men Stop Having Sex. Men, the phenomenon of sexless relationships, and what you can do about it". by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz. Food for thought and made me realise that I am not alone. Also helped to validate some of my feelings.

I am having much the same problem as you...

I know from previous experience having a surgeon as a BF that the stress is incredibly intense at work. Stress and fatigue is a very real problem for surgeons and a real libido-killer. He may be being completely honest with you... This is still a problem though if you are feeling this way and you need to talk and do something about it.

Doctors really need to have a wind-down period after work to get away from it and to enjoy their free time... Can he talk to you about work? Could you exercise together or have a debriefing session after work? This might help him to detach himself from his busy day and feel less stressed.

I hope things work out for you :-)

smoothy · Oct 7, 2009, 05:34 AM

High stress jobs WILL kill the libido. Trust me, I'm a guy.

He will need time to decompress (unwind, relax) before that will resume. Depending on his schedule that may not allow much time for that.