I've been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs now & living with him for 1. We're both in our mid to later 20s, I'm 26 and he's 28. For about 12 months now he hasn't had an interest in sleeping with me. He's still attentive... wanting to cuddle and sleep close to me, but never wants to have sex. I could probably count on my hands how many times we've been together over the past year. For the first 2 years of the relationship however, we had sex all of the time, and he was always very into it. But that's completely changed. The strange part is that his reasons for not wanting to have sex with me keep changing. At first he said that he wanted to get our relationship back on track with God and that we were only hurting ourselves by sleeping together outside of marriage. But now he says he's just too stressed out with work. I understand that stress can definitely be a factor in a man's libido, and I know that he has a ton of pressure at work as he runs his family's company. But, this is all very strange to me. I've never been with a man that hasn't wanted to sleep with me. I have tried to be understanding, but I'm starting to go crazy. I've tried talking to him about it and he just gets mad and it causes a huge fight. He says that I just don't understand. I feel like I've tried everything... sexy outfits, I've tried starting things, I've pulled away, nothing really worked that well. The only thing that kind of worked is when I pulled away... that helped for about a week.

I am very suspicious by nature, so... naturally I wondered if he was cheating on me. But honestly I don't know how and when he possibly could. We work and live together so it would be hard for him to pull off (but probably not impossible).

It got to a point last week when I started to get extremely upset about the entire situation. It has started to make me feel much less attractive in general. In fact, he actually slipped up several months ago and said that because I wasn't working out enough it actually made him want me less. He denies saying this now... Anyway, I am by no means unattractive (not to sound conceited). I'm 5'4 and weigh 107lbs... with a pretty decent body (not perfect, but not bad!). I get hit on fairly often and again, have never had this problem. I keep trying to build myself up so that I don't get too depressed and continue to have a low self-esteem because of this whole thing. So... a few days ago he caved and tried to sleep with me because he felt bad - and because I made a bargain with him (don't ask - yes I'm bargaining for sex with my boyfriend). It was totally obvious that it was completely out of obligation and to shut me up. He wasn't into it (although he did try) and actually for the first time in the relationship, he lost ability in the middle of sex. I was understanding and didn't really say much besides that it was okay. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Now, I'm just not sure how to handle the situation. He already hasn't been understanding about this whole thing and now I'm deathly afraid to bring it up as I don't want to hurt his feelings or start yet another huge fight.

Oh, by the way... he is totally not into porn or anything of the sort (as far as I know... and I know quite a bit). : )

ANY ADVISE?? I'd love to know how to handle this from here...

letmetellu

It is possible that he is one of the few guys that just is not into sex that much. But to just present one idea I will say this. You said he could not be cheating because hand and you work together and live together and it would be impossible to pull it off. Then is could be that you are together too much. Maybe you need to do something that would put you two apart for a few days to week, go on a trip, anything to be gone from where he is, you could have phone contact, but don't make it business phone calls. Make them personal calls. When you two get back together see how he acts and I don't just mean sexually, I mean in every way. Is he really happy that you are back because he missed you and was lost with out you or was he glad to see you so that you could now talk up part of the work load.
It is possible that he is just not that into you and you need to find it out before you go much further in your relationship. And even if he shows that he loves you very much I am not sure that you and he are a couple. I get the idea that you are the type that would like to have sex often and if he did not change and agree with you on how frequent you would do it I think you would be a very miserable wife after a few years....Good Luck to you.

kp2171

you need to think about how important this is for your relationship. and being selfish sexually isnt something to be ashamed of.

really.

it isnt likely to get any easier. i am married to a great woman. we have a son and a pretty good live. sex gets harder and harder as time goes on. its often a matter of logistics.... how sexy is it to try to get some time in before the kid gets home or wakes up? =P

its just something you have to work at more and more. it isnt that sex is bad, but it takes deliberate work to be connected.

i worry that if he is this disconnected now it just isnt going to ever be better. now that might be ok with you.

the fact you posted means it isnt ok... but maybe its ok in the your-willing-to-be-with-him-even-if-its-not-so-sexual sense. or not. only you can answer that.

in my opinion, its probably not ok. you probably are going to feel this disconnect more and more.... and the thing is, if you stay with him, you KNOW this is how he is. you can really blame him 10 years down the line for being sensually absent.

so....

it sucks to be you right now. you have some things to weigh out. a good guy who isnt exactly on the same page sexually might be ok for you. its absolutely your call.

i can tell you that it wouldnt have been ok with my wife. sexual compatability is something you need to be at least in the same ballpark, in my opinion. and its something that you shouldnt be ashamed of.

so... now you get the hard part. are you willing to be more of a roommate than a lover? YOU have to make that choice, and like i said.... once you do, you really cannot whine too much, as you know how he is.

i will agree that stress can wreck absolute havoc on a relationship sexually... and if it conflicts with his religious beliefs that too can come into play.

TxCowgirl

I completely understand where you are at! It's so nice to know I'm not alone.
I've been living with my boyfriend now for 2 years (the first two years we did long distance). When we used to see each other every weekend, we always had sex. Now that we live together, it's gotten less and less. It's really started to take a hit on me emotionally and physically. Unlike you, I've gained some weight, and I don't feel as attractive as I once was, but it all goes hand in hand. No sex=unattractive=self esteem=weight issues. I've taken some time off and left town, thinking some time apart would do us good, but no.
I have tried to talk to my boyfriend as well. He works in an office with two women. One, who is just like him. I know he's been faithful (or at least to my knowledge), but who knows what he is thinking...
I would love to know how you're doing on this. I hope it's getting better..

smoothy

Somethings up....your average 28 y/o guy is horny half the time....hell at 45 I get it every day, and I get nervous if I go two days without. (AND I have been married 16 years) THere are a few possibilities here. He's knocking the bottom someplace else. He just has a low testosterone level and low sex drive. Or he's secretly gay....just kidding on that one.

Seriously though, when was the last time he had a complete physical at a doctors. Maybe something else is afoot.

curious80

Thanks to all of you for your feedback... I really appreciate it!

Unfortunately things aren't getting any better. I've basically forced him to talk about it and he's told me that he's had no sexual desire for the past 12 months... and all of his excuses for not sleeping with me were just that - EXCUSES!
He says that for now it's just the way it goes. He's stressed out, can't relax and doesn't want to have sex. He can't manufacture those feelings. He's still exceptionally affectionate and loving and wants to be around me all the time. But NO SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS OF ANY KIND... we haven't even had a decent kiss in months...

I'm not handling it well, for those of you that are curious. Trying to figure out what's important to me. He doesn't want to see anyone about it and is getting more and more frustrated with my frustration. IT SUCKS! Here I have a good guy, who is being good to me, but isn't attracted to me anymore. REALLY, REALLY SUCKS!

But again, thanks!

smoothy

He needs to see somebody about this. If its stress, then he needs to diffuse it as if its so bad he is off sex for it, its definitely going to cause medical problems....and if its a medical problem then at that age it needs attended to.

Either way he needs to see someone.

As for you...be completely honest and objective. Assume he's not going to change and base any decision you make on that.

kp2171

ok. i agree that the best sex is when your mind and body are in synch. if my partner cant lose herself mentally in the moment, well, no matter what i do, shes probably not going to get there.

BUT... as much as you dont want to be a sexual charity case, i think there is a point and time when you simply have to satisfy your partner, even if you are not in the mood! its called being a giving and gracious lover.

im a late night person sexually... my partner likes morning... which of course means im a morning person now... but there are times when she wakes me up at 4:30 AM... i know damn well she wouldnt do it if she didnt need it. and really... a womans body, in my opinion, is more complicated... so im going to take every chance i can get when she is primed to go.... or at least make an effort. and every now and then she will shake off her sleepiness and seduce me before bed. its not about sexual charity... its about wanting to please your partner.

you are handing it well in that you are trying to figure things out. hes not doing any of the work, and thats bad news.

he might be a "great guy" in many ways... but he doesnt get a free pass on ignoring you sexually. if he shows no interest in changing, i really hope you decide to move on. life is short and precious. you choose what is important to you. hes doesnt seem to be choosing you so much.

TxCowgirl

Hey, I wanted to throw this out at you as well:

I recently discovered my boyfriend's secret porn stash. We have really been struggling over the last year or two, and I looked at all of the porn he hid on a secret email account, and there was my proof.

I don't know how you feel about porn (I don't allow it anywhere near my house) but I think it's a question you might want to ask him, and don't be mad or confrontational, but just honest about it. It was one of those things when we were sitting on the couch I just dropped on his lap. When I brought it out, it totally cleared the air for us and brought up a world of issues. Perhaps, it's time to have a serious heart to heart.

However, be prepared if you're going to have a good heart to heart with him about your relationship. Things may surface that you weren't aware of, and you just have to hear them out without getting angry. (That was hard for me)

Good luck, and I hope things get better soon.

Xrayman

Hi I might be a little late on this, however, you seem to be describing a man who is incredibly stressed-out his work is getting in the way. most men will divert from intimacy when work rules their lives-yes even the highly-sexed ones.

time is a big factor in this-he will need more time and then he should begin to feel less stressed by the expectation to perform.

hey this might give you time for yourself....if you know what I mean, you could provide yourself with the sexual needs you have-ignore him and treat yourself..