Ask Me Help Desk

Ask Me Help Desk (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum.php)
-   Adult Sexuality (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forumdisplay.php?f=370)
-   -   My boyfriend can't get hard (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=277426)

  • Nov 5, 2008, 11:07 AM
    meowkibobb
    My boyfriend can't get hard
    My boyfriend and I have some of the greatest sex ever, but he usually jerks off when he wants to come (he's afraid I'll get pregnant) and it takes sometimes 20 minutes for him to .

    And I'm just sitting there waiting. I try to do things while he jerks off to please him, but he says its hard when I do that

    The other day we had awesome sex, but yesterday he couldn't get hard... and this happens more frequently than before.

    Is it my fault? Or is there something wrong with him?


    :(:confused:
  • Nov 5, 2008, 12:17 PM
    kp2171
    I think its fine to self stimilate... during sex, with a partner, without... I'm wondering if anxiety about pregnancy is creating a real mental block... usually when one holds back, you are trying to balance out disconnecting from the moment enough to hold off and still remaining in the moment enough to be present and hard.

    Do you reach orgasm with him? How does he respond to oral? Does he ever use a condom? Have you ever asked him to make sex "just about him"... having him not mentally try to hold back. The answers to these might give some perspective.
  • Nov 5, 2008, 12:37 PM
    SweetDee

    As untypical as it is for me to be as harsh as I'm going to be right now, (I've been this blunt all day... ), I'm just going to say it.

    Is this the man you plan to marry? Is this relationship going to last? I mean, is he the one?

    If not, then move on to a man that doesn't have issues that you have issues w/.

    No one's perfect, right? Certain issues that someone might have might not be a something that you see as an issue. If this is a deal breaker... move on!

    If you do intend to spend the rest of your life w/ him then I think it would be a good idea to seek professional help. It only gets worse with age... look how this situation has grown over time... in a relationship things that aren't "wonderful" exasserbate over time.

    kp2171 has some ideal ideas. I am wondering tho' have you ever given him oral sex and was he able to orgasm that way? I mean without him having to help himself w/ his own hands..

    You mentioned that the other day you both had great sex... how was that day different from the days that he jerks off and you sit there trying to "help"..
  • Nov 5, 2008, 12:49 PM
    meowkibobb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by SweetDee View Post
    As untypical as it is for me to be as harsh as I'm going to be right now, (I've been this blunt all day...), I'm just gonna say it.

    Is this the man you plan to marry? Is this relationship gonna last? I mean, is he the one?

    If not, then move on to a man that doesn't have issues that you have issues w/.

    No one's perfect, right? Certain issues that someone might have might not be a something that you see as an issue. If this is a deal breaker...move on!

    If you do intend to spend the rest of your life w/ him then I think it would be a good idea to seek professional help. It only gets worse with age...look how this situation has grown over time...in a relationship things that aren't "wonderful" exasserbate over time.

    kp2171 has some ideal ideas. I am wondering tho' have you ever given him oral sex and was he able to orgasm that way? I mean without him having to help himself w/ his own hands..

    You mentioned that the other day you both had great sex...how was that day different from the days that he jerks off and you sit there trying to "help"...?


    We have been together for 2 years now, and the talk of marriage does occur frequently and almost every day.
    Though sex with him is awesome I have never orgasmed, and I always make it about him. Every thing he wants me to do I do plus more. We have sex honestly almost 2 or 3 times a day everyday.
    He's never cam in me, and is opposed to use condoms.
    Sometimes he can't even himself, (which he tells me)
    I don't understand how seeking professional help has anything to do with this, I was just wondering if anyone else has encountered something similar before and what they did.
  • Nov 5, 2008, 12:52 PM
    smoothy
    How old is he? From personal experience this does not sound at all like a normal situation for a younger guy. Perhaps he is just doing it TOO often...
  • Nov 5, 2008, 12:54 PM
    meowkibobb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by kp2171 View Post
    i think its fine to self stimilate... during sex, with a partner, without... im wondering if anxiety about pregnancy is creating a real mental block... usually when one holds back, you are trying to balance out disconnecting from the moment enough to hold off and still remaining in the moment enough to be present and hard.

    do you reach orgasm with him? how does he respond to oral? does he ever use a condom? have you ever asked him to make sex "just about him"... having him not mentally try to hold back. the answers to these might give some perspective.


    I always make it about him, any little thing he asks and wants I do it for him.
    We have sex almost 2 times a day, (its just lately he can't get hard)

    Pregnancy isn't a real issue I think that would cause anxiety, I have thought about that and even brought it up to him, and he replied he wasn't real worried about it, he just didn't want kids right now (understandable)

    I always suggest condoms but he doesn't want to use them.

    Thank you for your advice <3
  • Nov 5, 2008, 12:56 PM
    meowkibobb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    How old is he? From personal experience this does not sound at all like a normal situation for a younger guy. Perhaps he is just doing it TOO often...

    He just turned 19
    I don't understand it either.

    I thought maybe it was from him smoking marijuana, but he smokes less to nothing now.
    So I don't understand.

    It was embarrassing but I asked him how many times does he masturbate, and he told me "truthful not much at all" and told me he can't get hard with himself sometimes.
  • Nov 5, 2008, 01:03 PM
    mugger
    For two years together, 2 times a day is a lot, normally ( and I use the term "normal" very loosely). May need to focus on different parts of the relationship and cut down on the sex. Don't eliminate the sex, but more of a spontaneous event rather than raging hormones taking over all the time. Hope I make some kind of sense and hope it helps.
  • Nov 5, 2008, 01:07 PM
    Choux

    This young kid is in a lot of trouble with his sexuality... and you are being robbed of learning about sex with a young stud who can perform.

    What can I say?
  • Nov 5, 2008, 01:08 PM
    meowkibobb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by mugger View Post
    for two years together, 2 times a day is alot, normally ( and i use the term "normal" very loosely). may need to focus on different parts of the relationship and cut down on the sex. don't eliminate the sex, but more of a spontaneous event rather than raging hormones taking over all the time. hope i make some kind of sense and hope it helps.


    Thank you so much for your advice.
    Our relationship is more than just sex, sex is just a plus. :)
    He always wants it though and I don't want to make him unhappy about it. But even though agreeing to it doesn't help the fact he can't get hard. I don't know what to do... except maybe losing 20 pounds.
  • Nov 5, 2008, 01:09 PM
    meowkibobb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Choux View Post
    This young kid is in a lot of trouble with his sexuality....and you are being robbed of learning about sex with a young stud who can perform.

    What can I say?


    Thank you for your advice <3

    This is the only person I have ever been with, and he claims the same.
    I don't know what to do
  • Nov 5, 2008, 01:35 PM
    letmetellu
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by meowkibobb View Post
    thank you so much for your advice.
    our relationship is more than just sex, sex is just a plus. :)
    he always wants it though and I don't want to make him unhappy about it. But even though agreeing to it doesn't help the fact he can't get hard. I don't know what to do... except maybe loosing 20 pounds.

    Who needs to lose the 20 pounds or him? I really don't understand what that might have to do with him getting hard unless it is him that is over weight. Sometimes there is a blood flow problem in a person that is over weight so this could be a problem.
    Also it could be a problem of too much sex. It is kind of like eating icecream, it is really good but eating a whole gallon could make you sick.
  • Nov 5, 2008, 01:38 PM
    meowkibobb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by letmetellu View Post
    Who needs to lose the 20 pounds or him? I really don't understand what that might have to do with him getting hard unless it is him that is over weight. Sometimes there is a blood flow problem in a person that is over weight so this could be a problem.
    Also it could be a problem of too much sex. It is kinda like eating icecream, it is really good but eating a whole gallon could make you sick.

    No one is over weight in the relationship, maybe its just me who lost her looks, who knows.
    I always try to do things to take his mind of off wanting sex to see if too much is the problem, and sometimes it works and other times it doesn't.

    Thank you for your advice
  • Nov 5, 2008, 01:41 PM
    Choux

    Meow, He is a bad influence on you at this young sensitive age of yours... let him go.

    The thing about girls being overweight when they are young is that they become easy pickings for guys who want to use and manipulate a woman for their own lust.

    Your self-confidence is low so you are putting up with being treated badly. You deserve better, a happier life with a loving and caring boyfriend. KNOW THAT!
  • Nov 5, 2008, 01:42 PM
    meowkibobb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Choux View Post
    meow, He is a bad influence on you at this young sensitive age of yours.....let him go.

    The thing about girls being overweight when they are young is that they become easy pickings for guys who want to use and manipulate a woman for their own lust.

    Your self-confidence is low so you are putting up with being treated badly. You deserve better, a happier life with a loving and caring boyfriend. KNOW THAT!

    I'm only 116 pounds I hope that's not overweight :(
    Thank you so much for your advice
  • Nov 5, 2008, 03:13 PM
    SimpleguyJoe

    Well it depends on your height. If your 4'3'' then you might have problems =P, if your average 5'2''-5'7'' I tthink your fine.

    And about your boyfriend I think Choux is being a tad excessive. She has her points you only live once but you also only have one first love. If your relationship is all about sex then maybe it IS time to break things off. But if there is more to it than that it is probably worth it to try and get through it.

    Try to get him to FOCUS on YOU for once. I think this will help out a lot. When the topic of sex comes up with my friends most of them say they like being in control their fair share. So from personal experience and others opinions being in control of things makes guys get into it a lot more. So tell this guy to do his fair share... What's he thinking? It takes two to tango and if only one is really trying and the other dragging his feet, how good of a dance do you think that would be?
  • Nov 5, 2008, 03:50 PM
    meowkibobb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by SimpleguyJoe View Post
    Well it depends on your height. if your 4'3'' then you might have problems =P, if your average 5'2''-5'7'' I tthink your fine.

    And about your bf I think Choux is being a tad excessive. She has her points you only live once but you also only have one first love. If your relationship is all about sex then maybe it IS time to break things off. But if there is more to it than that it is probably worth it to try and get through it.

    Try to get him to FOCUS on YOU for once. I think this will help out alot. When the topic of sex comes up with my friends most of them say they like being in control their fair share. So from personal experience and others opinions being in control of things makes guys get into it alot more. So tell this guy to do his fair share... Whats he thinking? It takes two to tango and if only one is really trying and the other dragging his feet, how good of a dance do you think that would be?

    I'm 5'3 so I guess I'm safe
    Our relationship is way more then sex... sex is just a plus in it.
    Thanks I will deff. Take that in consideration. Hopefully it will help <3
  • Nov 5, 2008, 05:17 PM
    SimpleguyJoe

    If your having sex 3+ times a day where is real life coming into this? Go out for a walk or go see a movie or do something like bake some cookies next time instead of heading to the bedroom.

    Im sorry if you find it offending but 3 times a day everyday IS excesive imo. Anyone else agree?
  • Nov 5, 2008, 11:24 PM
    simoneaugie

    "Turn it upside down and paint it red." Sometimes that's the only thing to do with a problem that is worsening and won't budge.

    If you don't orgasm, maybe that's the trouble? Sex between two people, involves the pleasure of both. Maybe he needs to focus on you? Maybe you need to focus on you? If "helping" him is not helpful, help yourself. Masturbate right there in front of him. He's doing it in front of you. Mutual pleasure in an activity means that both are working towards the same goal doesn't it?
  • Nov 6, 2008, 12:10 AM
    asking
    You are lucky you have not go pregnant already. If he is hard, his preejaculate can impregnate you, even if he pulls out and masturbates to finish.

    Withdrawal, which is what it sounds like you are practicing in an odd form, is a very poor form of birth control with a high failure rate. If he won't use a condom, then you get a diaphragm and use it every time, or, better yet, go on the pill or get an injection. If you don't want a baby, use birth control. Go to Planned Parenthood, a doctor or clinic and they will help you choose the right method.

    I agree with everyone else that his problem is having sex too frequently and, when you do have sex, he should be spending more time helping you climax. I suspect you'll like it. :)

  • All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:26 AM.