I placed my daughter for adoption nearly 15 years ago. Like most women with open adoptions, I had to go through the stages of grief for relinquishment over a period of years (denial that there is grief with adoption delayed my healing by several years).

I have seen a counselor, and worked through my grief, following the stages of grief (but not being LIMITED by those 5 stages), and have also been treated for depression. As a matter of fact, it was being diagnosed with depression that got me to a counselor in the first place, and then realizing that my grief dealing with adoption had never been worked through or, in fact, acknowledged.

As to my question: I recently (3 weeks ago) had to have my cat put to sleep. I had owned the cat for 10 years. While the cat did have medical issues (crystals in his urethra that were removed), behavioral problems resulted from the medical problems--essentially we had a cat that would urinate everywhere BUT the cat box, including on my stove and in my bed. I felt terrible putting the cat down, but knew (from talking to the vet) that the problem could and probably would get worse, and living in an apartment, I could not make accomodations for the cat.

I have heard that another death can sometimes trigger feelings related to relinquishment, but has anyone heard of that happening with a pet? Also, should this continue for 3 weeks? It has gotten easier with time, but is still lingering in the back of my mind daily. I recently moved across the country and got a new job, so I do not have insurance or a new doctor, or a new counselor yet...but is this something that I should be seeing my doctor on NOW, or can I wait a while longer to see if it eases on its own?

Fr_Chuck

This is not by area of expertise, but from my experience, yes, all sorts of things can be triggers ( I will not list many because I don't want you to start thnking on them) I can't say what the stages are, and what this will or won't do, since each of us carries pain and loss, grief and regret so differetly.

Is it interfering with your life and you funtion, are you dewling on it more than normal. and are you concerned about it. If so that is always the time to see a doctor.

Assuming ( big mistake) you are in the US many counties have mental health services on a sliding fee scale depending on income, I think alot of people should have them on speed dial for help though all sorts of issues.

Synnen

Thank you for your answer!

It's not interfering with my life in any major way. I am sad, and have had two episodes (both within days of putting the cat down) of breaking into tears unexpectedly. I've also found myself extremely angry at people I see on the news who take their kids and pets for granted, but me shouting at the television about how stupid people are is nothing new in our house Other than that, I am just thinking of my adoption and relinquishment more than usual.

I have currently been searching for a counselor I can afford that also understands adoption issues, and will start regular sessions when I find someone I am comfortable with.

I think I am just afraid that this was an unusual trigger, and that there was something really wrong with me for being so upset.

Fr_Chuck

Yes and one my untrained opinion is that will get better with time,

I lost a pet this year and crying is a normal response to that lost and the longer your pet is with you, the closer that bond is.

We can not help you professionaly but if you just need to write how you feel to perhaps make you feel better several of us on here are always glad to help

FeelSoNumbZombie

Please do not listen to any negative people in this world. Especially being a birth mother, finding your child, or the what if's. But it is not ethical and maybe illegal for you to contact until that adoptee is 18-21 years of age according to your state law.
You are an adult. And if or when Your child is an adult. He/she maybe searching for you. And it is up to you and your belief system to decided what is best for you and your child and to search for him/her. There have been many happy reunion's. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
There is a birth mother support group: BirthMom Buds Bulletin August 2005
May I suggest you start of there. It is very helpful to share your experiences as well as read other's experiences who have undergone the same things that you yourself have undergone. I have.
Also, most birth mothers decide to register with Adoption.com - Information on International, Domestic, Child & Agency Adoptions, Stories, Laws -. If there child is searching for them, in all likelihood they have registered there as well. Just leave a current and update email address. Because it may take time and you don't want to miss the opportunity by not having an active email address if he/she does try to find you.
There are many support groups for adoptees as well as birth mothers, and adoptive parents. More and more adoptive parents are realizing the necessity of knowing and having good communication with their child's first parents. It is no longer taboo.
Please check at the Yahoo! - Incorrect URL site and put in adoption in the browser search. Select a group that will assist you in your state or the state of where the adult adoptee was born. You will see how many people are in the same situation as you are in. Not everyone is negative about adoption. Some are, and you have to feel sorry for them.
But I am sure you have lived quite long enough to realize there are people out there that just want to discourage you. Discourage you from having the baby, discourage you from raising it yourself, discourage you from adoption, discourage you from searching and reunion.
Everyone is different. Everyone's path in life is different. You may just find your child waiting for the past x years to find you. Or past x years since he/she was 18 years of age. Please do not let anyone make you feel that you do not have any rights to search for him/her and find out if they are willing to reunite and or speak with you. He/She is an adult now. They can make up there own mind. Please keep in mind it is not ethical to search for a child if under 18 years of age. And is against the law in many states.
Get the support that is long overdue with a support group. Register with Adoption.com - Information on International, Domestic, Child & Agency Adoptions, Stories, Laws -, you never know if she/he is desparate to find you. Register with ISRR, International Soundex Reunion Registry, ISRR . com , Index of Search and Reunion Resources. And find out if there is a State run registry were the child was born or if you can register with them.
Again, he/she maybe waiting for you to register. And maybe not. But you never know until you find out yourself.

And yes, any death can bring up alot of emotions about everything. Especially one about missing your child.