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After I got married I found out that my husband was adopted. I didn't believe it at first cause he looks so much like his step-father (he passed away when he was young but he has pics). I tried to be gently and he would tell me to stop cause he didn't care, and he knew he was cause his mom broke it to him when he was about 8.
So now I ask him if he would like to know who his biological parents were/are and he says no. I ask why and all he answers is 'because'.
Is this normal or is my husband hiding his feelings. I want to understand but I can't. What can I do?
Almost all adoptees go though stages where they may want to know, but this is normally just stages, and many don't spend thier entire life worrying about it.
And most understand that thier real parent was the one who adopted them and don't really have much desire to "find" someone they don't really care about.
Just don't worry about it, this is very normal
Actually it is normal, but it is good of you to keep revisiting his answer.
Men tend to want to search later than women. And for many, they do not have a desire or need to search until they become parents themselves. Once you have children, then what you do not have due to being adopted becomes more pressing. Like medical information..he might not care about it for himself, but when it comes to his on kids...then the need might grow. The adverage age for beginning a search is around 35.
The other thing is that many people, like our ignorant Fr. Chuck here, like to impliy real guilt to the adoptees and not understand their desire to search. Lots of subtle messages form society and all...that they should be greatful they were not aborted, that they have "real" parents who wipped their butts, that this person is a stranger, etc, that their adoptive parents aren't good enough if they do search, etc. Also how his parents reacted or talked about the adoption have alot of influence. If he thinks they might be hurt, then he might never venture there. Look into "adoptee loyalty issues".
The thing is...often for people to really think about adoption and how it effects their lives, they have to look into some hard stuff and some of the things that they find are not too pretty. He might have anger for being left. Rejection issues are easier NOT to face. Plus the mythologly over what the "Birth Mother" is like permeates all of society, but it is wrong. People fear the crazed clingy lost mother, or other horrible Lifetime movie senerios..when that is usually NOT the case. If he was told anything about his family of origins then it might not be good...or even the truth..so that adds to the fear fo the unknown.
Get him "The Girls Who went Away" by Ann Fessler. Great book and it might help him understand the real truth about his beginnings.
Oh and Chuck, you could do well by reading that too.
He could simply feel like being given up for adoption was a personal rejection. Or maybe he knows things he doesn't want to share with you about his birth parents. Maybe he knows something that bothers him and doesn't want to know more because it could possibly become too upsetting. I think you should back off and let him make his own choices here. He will look when he is ready, if he is ever ready.
I don't think it's helpful to call anyone ignorant. Everyone is here to lend an opinion, and chuck is no different with the exception he tends to be more blunt.
Lady B,
The disagree button is to be used if someone's advice is inaccurate in fact, not for disliking an opinion. No harm done, just a little tip. I am well aware of the meaning of the word ignorant, but I feel it was an unnecessary dig at Chuck, who answers every question in a very blunt matter-of-fact type way based on his opinion. Of course we don't always agree, but that is what makes an advice forum work. You get a lot of different takes on the same question. I don't think anything he said could be harmful to adoptees. Some adopted people are not interested in finding their birth parents. Maybe some do go through periods of wanting to know followed by not wanting to know. Isn't either reaction "normal"? It seems to me it would be. People handle things differently.
Thanks for the tip, sorry I am a newbie to this type of forum.
So, in my opinion, it can be emotionally harmful to try to make adoptees who do want to search, which from my reading and experience is the majority, that it is not normal, or somehow disrespectful to their adoptive parents. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinions, but with the scientific and sociological research available regarding adoptee "issues" I just think those opinions could be better informed.
In answer to the OP, some adoptees do not want to search, this is true, but if they are completely free of issues or problems with their adoption, they usually don't clam up and respond with non answers like "because". I think your husband may be experiencing some level of discomfort or negative feelings, perhaps you can read some of the excellent books regarding the adoptee experience to help you understand where he might be coming from.
Some possible books to read:
Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make
Being Adopted, The Lifelong Search for Self
Journey of the Adopted Self; A quest for Wholeness
As an adoptee, I can tell you that, honestly, at this point in my life, I am not interested what so ever in finding the people who gave birth to me (im 25). I get annoyed when people find out I am adopted and they say "oh im sorry". I believe it has a lot to do with what kind of life you had. In my own personal experience, I find that adoptee's that had bad home lives were more likely to want and find their birth "parents". Me on the other hand, while I wasn't raised in a perfect household (but who really is), I still consider myself to be very fortunate to have had the parents I do. My parents never made me feel different for being adopted, and I rarely think about it until someone brings it up. Sure I have been curious every once in a while, but my curiosity never changed into desire. Everyone deals with things differently. Your husband is fine.
Just to add: I happened to study behavioral criminology-which encompasses a lot of psychology. I now know that many times, when an adopted child reaches out to their biological "parents", they are extremely disappointed with the result. I believe, children spend all those years building expectations, and then if they are let down, which many times they are, that can be even more devastating than never knowing. People don't understand how much emotional strain, whether it be negative or positive, they will endure when adding that extremely large new chapter to their lives. Sometimes the risk just isn't worth it to some people.....people like me.
He may be afraid of starting over again. I also am looking for my son. At the same time I was adopted and still confused , but am still looking for answers. My son was born in 1986 and a son born 1984.
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