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-   -   How to find birth parents after closed adoption? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=734063)

  • Feb 13, 2013, 05:31 PM
    dal0415
    How to find birth parents after closed adoption?
    I want to find my birth parents but am I out of luck if it's a private adoption in California in the 60's?

    I am beyond dumb founded by some of these women who are angry due to their biological children seeking out them out!! I am going to try to remain composed. You say you don't want to be found and that is your "RIGHT". Well we as the given up were not given a choice. That choice was made for us and if you happen to be thinking about your child, you were gambling on a "better life" for your baby. I really don't think YOU have a clue what it's like to not know who your family is, what the medical history is etc. It was all taken away from the child. So please get over yourself and your almighty "oh you don't have a clue" if your not a biological mother.

    Well try to imagine growing up wondering why wasn't I wanted? I don't care in the least what the circumstances were for the adoption. It really doesn't matter to a child. All they know is they were given away. Yes therapy can help, and yes maybe they had a better life (more often than not I'm sure) but the ache in the child's heart, a piece is missing, will never go away. Say what you will. Pain is pain!
  • Feb 13, 2013, 06:12 PM
    smoothy
    Why do you think your "Rights" are the only ones that matter. That's being really self centered.

    The thing about rights is.. your rights end where another persons begins.

    Not to mention your real parents are the people that raised you... fed you... did everything for you your entire life. How do you think this makes them feel that you are brushing all that off to pursue something you shouldn't have.. otherwise the records wouldn't be sealed.

    Sorry to sound so harsh... but life is harsh... look at it this way... they could have just as easily aborted you rather than had you. Then where would you be now?

    Going through life with a chip on your shoulder is only going to hold you back from your potential.
  • Feb 13, 2013, 06:27 PM
    Synnen
    Quote:

    I want to find my birth parents but am I out of luck if it's a private adoption in California in the 60's?

    I am beyond dumb founded by some of these women who are angry due to their biological children seeking out them out!! I am going to try to remain composed. You say you don't want to be found and that is your "RIGHT". Well we as the given up were not given a choice. That choice was made for us and if you happen to be thinking about your child, you were gambling on a "better life" for your baby. I really don't think YOU have a clue what it's like to not know who your family is, what the medical history is etc. It was all taken away from the child. So please get over yourself and your almighty "oh you don't have a clue" if your not a biological mother.

    Well try to imagine growing up wondering why wasn't I wanted? I don't care in the least what the circumstances were for the adoption. It really doesn't matter to a child. All they know is they were given away. Yes therapy can help, and yes maybe they had a better life (more often than not I'm sure) but the ache in the child's heart, a piece is missing, will never go away. Say what you will. Pain is pain!
    Do you have a question, or do you just want to rant?

    Do you question every little decision that your adoptive parents made for you when you were too young to make those decisions yourself. You know... like vaccines, or what school you went to, or whether to expose you to chicken pox or let you go to Disneyland or whatever?

    Why do you question the ONE parenting decision that your biological parents made on your behalf then?

    I agree that you should have access to your medical history. I also think that reunions done through reunion websites are GREAT!

    I do not think, however, that you have the right to force yourself into ANYONE else's life, whether they gave birth to you. Many women only chose adoption because they were promised secrecy FOREVER.

    Sorry, but you DON'T have a clue what it's like to be a birthparent, and to deal with the grief and pain and the worry that goes with it. I stand behind my decision to place my daughter for adoption. I was not in a good place when she was born, and adoption gave her access to a much happier and safer life than I could give her. It was the best and only parenting decision I could make for her.

    It had nothing to do with not wanting her--and you have issues beyond adoption if that is what you believe. You should continue to go to therapy for them, because adoption is not usually a case of "wanting" or "not wanting", but a case of "not being able to do it". If you don't care what the circumstances were, then why do you care about finding your birthparents? And the terminology has changed--it's not "given away" for adoption, but "placed", like you'd place your greatest treasure, for adoption.

    I'm sorry for your pain, but you still do not have the right to invade the privacy of any other adult without their consent.

    Register on reunion websites and hope for the best, and receive therapy and counseling to help you understand why your family was not enough for you to feel like a complete person.
  • Feb 13, 2013, 07:52 PM
    dal0415
    Yea my question is what if any avenue does one have to try and locate birth parents for closed adoption? And let me just tell you this, I was adopted as a newborn, and its still beyond me why they wanted a baby. I stand by my statement, we WERE GIVEN UP situation bad or good. I never really cared about the womb from which I came until all the medical problems showed up. I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder, I really don't care if the sperm donor or carrier are alive or dead, I do care about the medical history and would like to know if there are siblings. As would my 3 children!
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Synnen View Post
    Do you have a question, or do you just want to rant?

    Do you question every little decision that your adoptive parents made for you when you were too young to make those decisions yourself. You know...like vaccines, or what school you went to, or whether or not to expose you to chicken pox or let you go to Disneyland or whatever?

    Why do you question the ONE parenting decision that your biological parents made on your behalf then?

    I agree that you should have access to your medical history. I also think that reunions done through reunion websites are GREAT!

    I do not think, however, that you have the right to force yourself into ANYONE else's life, whether or not they gave birth to you. Many women only chose adoption because they were promised secrecy FOREVER.

    Sorry, but you DON'T have a clue what it's like to be a birthparent, and to deal with the grief and pain and the worry that goes with it. I stand behind my decision to place my daughter for adoption. I was not in a good place when she was born, and adoption gave her access to a much happier and safer life than I could give her. It was the best and only parenting decision I could make for her.

    It had nothing to do with not wanting her--and you have issues beyond adoption if that is what you believe. You should continue to go to therapy for them, because adoption is not usually a case of "wanting" or "not wanting", but a case of "not being able to do it". If you don't care what the circumstances were, then why do you care about finding your birthparents? And the terminology has changed--it's not "given away" for adoption, but "placed", like you'd place your greatest treasure, for adoption.

    I'm sorry for your pain, but you still do not have the right to invade the privacy of any other adult without their consent.

    Register on reunion websites and hope for the best, and receive therapy and counseling to help you understand why your family was not enough for you to feel like a complete person.

  • Feb 13, 2013, 08:36 PM
    Alty
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by dal0415 View Post
    Yea my question is what if any avenue does one have to try and locate birth parents for closed adoption? And let me just tell you this, I was adopted as a newborn, and its still beyond me why they wanted a baby. I stand by my statement, we WERE GIVEN UP situation bad or good. I never really cared about the womb from which I came until all the medical problems showed up. I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder, I really don't care if the sperm donor or carrier are alive or dead, I do care about the medical history and would like to know if there are siblings. As would my 3 children!

    There's a lot of "I want", "I was" "I need" in your posts. It's not only about you. Birth parents do have rights, like it or not, agree or disagree.

    If your birth mother doesn't want to be found, doesn't want a reunion (for whatever reason) then that's her choice. It's not all about what you want or need.

    I disagree that you're not walking around with a chip on our shoulder. I think that chip is bigger than everything else in your life. I really would suggest that you seek counseling. Obviously you've shared your feelings about this with your children. If you said even half the things you said on this thread, it's not healthy for you or them. You're pushing your resentment onto your children, and that's not right. Therapy will help.

    Join the reunion sites like Synnen suggested. If your mother wants a reunion, she may be on one of those sites. If not, then she may want to stay anonymous, or she may no longer be alive, who knows? If you were born in 1960, even if she was a teen when she had you, she'd be well into her late 60's-70's by now. There's no telling if she's even alive.

    I wish you luck, but I hope that you consider therapy to help you deal with your feelings. The reunion you seek, the answers you want, may very well never happen.
  • Feb 13, 2013, 08:39 PM
    Synnen
    What state are you in? Several states allow you to get medical and non-identifying information through the county records offices.

    Beyond that, you can use reunion websites using the information you have--sometimes all you need is a date and a city born for a match. Adoption.com and ISRR are two of the best.

    You can also contact the adoption agency used to see if they have a letter from your birthparents, or if they are able to get medical information for you.

    If your medical situation is life-threatening, you may be able to go through the courts to get your adoption information unsealed to get medical information as well.

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