i am 14 and i always wanted to find out about my birth mother and some nights i just cry my self to sleep. i was in foster home for three months and then got adopted i would love to meet my biological mother

Synnen

Doggylover,
As a birthmother, I hope your pain is lessened by the fact that your birthmother thinks about you daily. I have a 14 year old daughter that I placed for adoption and I hope she isn't feeling as hurt as you are--I would hate that a choice I made in love is hurting the child I love.

That being said...is your adoption open? Semi-open? Do your adoptive parents have contact at all with your birthmother? You might start by asking your adoptive parents about your birthmother and see if they have any information. They may have a place for you to start looking for your birthmother.

It is very unlikely that with your adoption taking place in the 90s that your record is closed. Even if your adoptive parents will not talk about the circumstances of your adoption with you, it is very likely that you can find some information yourself. I'm not sure on WHEN you can start legally searching court records, but you may be able to check on sites like adoption.com to get your information out there (in the case of a closed or semi-closed adoption, especially)

Again, my first thought is that you really need to speak to your adoptive parents about this. They love you too, and wouldn't want you hurting!

CaptainForest

doggyluver,

where do you live?

Or better yet, where were you given up for adoption?

For example, if in Ontario, you can find out the information of who your birth mother is now.

Fr_Chuck

I was adopted ( well over 50 years ago) as a teen I also though about birth parents for some time, I actually found out who mine were and even walked up to my birth fathers door once, you know I decided at that point and time not to, and don't regreat it.

You know why, my birth parents gave me up for a reason, either good or bad, this was thier choice, and thier choice to make.

And you know what else, you had a family that wanted you, and wanted to be your parents and raise you. They are your real parents, no one else is, the other people are merely sperm donors, a parent is the person who is there for you when you have a fever, they are there when you fall, they are there for you when you are scared in the dark,

You have allowed yourself to develop this myth of a "mother" that just is not there, And in doing so you are taking away the love and closeness your real mother who is raising you needs and deserves.

As a adult latter if you wish, you can make a choice to try and find them, but even if you do, they will be only a person you get to know, never a real mother or father, that is only the person who actually raised you.

** a person who was adopted and has a adopted son.

jrussole

doggyluver, I wish I was able to help you in some small way. I am an adoption search angel. And if you were 18-21 years of age, I would be able to provide you assistance. (It depends upon what state you live in and where you were adopted, for example as far as age requirements). But it is illegal to assist a minor.
My suggestion to you would be is to find out if it was a public or private adoption. If it was public, than an adoption agency can be contacted. You can receive your non id information from them, through your adoptive parents. Non id means that there maybe information for you about your birth family. Your parents can also request information from a state registry, if there is one in your state, that is? It maybe difficult for you to approach your parents about your feelings. It could hurt their feelings for example. But you have a right to settle these feelings that you are experiencing. Hope this helps. It sometimes is difficult for an adoptee to not know where they came from. It is important that you tell your parents about these feelings. And hope that they understand that you have many questions and concerns. I hope they don't get defensive with your rights to know. In years to come, for example- knowing your medical information and history may become a very important aspect of your life.
And again, I have to agree with Synnen. Your real parents are the ones that have raised you and loved you all of your life. Your birth mother was the one that loved you first. And probably made the choice for you to go and live with your parents because they could provide more than she could at the time. Love, committment, stability are what every mother wishes for her child. Especially/Probably, the first one. One does not replace the other. It only helps you understand you, far better.

ScottGem

First, I would recommend you seek some counseling. It is perfectly normal to want to know and even met your birth parents. But not to the point where you cry yourself to sleep over it. That points to me that there are other issues that you need to resolved in your life.

Second, you need to understand that your adoptive parents chose you. They are your real parents and they deserve your love of respect for raising you.

Third, you should consider that giving you up was, most likely, an extraordinary act of love on your birth mothers part. You should take solace in that.

Finally, you should find out as much as you can about your birth. There are several adoption matching organizations on the WEB were you can post your info seeking contact from your birth parents and vice versa. You may have to wait until you are 18 to post yourself, but you can at least check if your birth parents are looking for you.

jrussole

doggyluver, if crying yourself to sleep makes you feel better, even just in the morning- it is releasing the anxiety and frustration that you are feeling. It is how many women release their anxiety and you should not receive judgment on how you release it. For many of us adoptees there is a primal need to know our birth mothers. There is nothing wrong with your emotions. And don't let anyone tell you differently. Crying for women is an outlet. Perfectly normal if we are experiencing hardship and or pain over something we cannot control and or change in our lives. The end.

Fr_Chuck

I guess this is where I will disagree firmly on what jrussole is saying. while yes of course ladies have various emtions and crying is one of them, it is not a everynight thing, And if you have a uncontroled desire to find birth parents it can be not only unhealthly but destructive since the largest percentage of adoptees never even find out who they are, and much less actually find them.

If this feeling is harming our behavior or controling our life to a point we are not living a full life in today and being who we are, not who we think we were there is a problem.

I spend alot of time each year working with adopted people helping them let go of those feellings of having something missing, which is indeed cheating there real parents ( the ones raising them) out of the full relationship they deserve.

So I guess instead of like some, helping you find them, I work hard in helping people like you understand it does not matter if you ever finid them, and that you need to hold on to the love of the family you have, since they are your real family and will always be. And that a unrealistic quest can often destroy the relationships you have with the most important poeple in your life.

jrussole

If you always wanted to find out about your birth mother it is a primal need to know.
As you stated some nights- I am taking it that it isn't every nite, right?
Some/every-big difference here.

How old where you when you were in a foster home? This poses a significant aspects of what memories may or may not be bothering you.

If you would love to meet your biological mother, there is nothing wrong with those feelings.

And I have to disagree with the Father again. There are millions of Americans searching for their birth families and vice versa.

There are many happy as well as sad reunions.

And most birth mothers that relinquish there children now-a days require and open adoption so that children such as yourself do not have to go to sleep in tears!

Statistically, 90% of adoptions today are open adoptions.

Adopted Children Should Be Able to View Adoption Records,
Says Recent Survey by FindLaw:

Adopted Children Should Be Able to View Adoption Records, Says New Survey by FindLaw



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1997 Cornell University Study Indicates Adoptive Parents
Are In Favor Of Open Records:

Cornell Science News: adoption record study



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Keep updated on New York's progress for open records.
Get on the mailing list:

Sylvia's NY Adoption Page


doggyluver, I do not know what state you are in. Therefore I have used my own. There are many sites that pertain to this issue.

46 chromosomes, 23 pairs, make up the human body. Your biological mother and father gave u such chromosomes. For instance: BRCA-1 and BRCA-2 are autosomal dominant genes inherited in breast cancer, ovarian cancer, prostate cancer, colon cancer, and pancreatic cancer. Pathology records are used to confirm family history of cancer because they are highly reliable. Adoptee's are unable to have full assessments of genetic pedigree including three-generation history, primary site, age at diagnosis of genetic relatives, previous surgeries that were successful/unsuccessful or reduction of risk, pregnancy loss, birth defects, race, ethnicity, health problems in family history. We are at a loss to be medically evaluated by genetic predisposition, whereby our environmental and occupational exposure/risks cannot be assessed in completion.

I have given you this information not to alarm you. I am offering you this information so that you understand the importance of knowing your truth one day.

Just remember, your parents can help you receive the answers that you are seeking. Many adoptive parents are open to questions concerning their childs feelings in this matter. But there are some adoptive parents who will argue until their child becomes ill with a deadly disease or illness for example. Then they suddenly become open and rationalize the need for more open communication and OPEN RECORDS!

Remember, your feelings are shared by many children as well as adults. They are your feelings and you own them. Whether or not "adults" agree or disagree with you or me is secondary to you feeling better about yourself and about being adopted.


Father, most adoptive children who have fears about something missing, indeed have something missing!
And again, one does not replace the other. Finding or wanting to find your first family does not replace the family that you were raised in and hopefully loved in. This is a profound misconception and a tool used to discourage people from finding out there truth. Along with guilt tactics. Most of us adoptees hold onto our love for our family because we have been loved and cherished all of our lives. And it maybe unrealistic for you but it may not be unrealistic for someone else not to seek answers to their questions. Most reunions bring families together. It brings comfort to the adoptee who has searched or wondered or questions in regard to their first families.

For every one person you may be able to show that has had a bad outcome, I can show you many more who have found peace, happiness and or closure to many of their fears, concerns, wonderment, aspirations, desires and the like.

I took me 40 years to find out who my birth mother was. And my adoptive mother, father, brother, sister, cousin's, Uncle's, Aunt's, grandma's, grandpa's all respected, understood and supported me for every moment of it! Now that is what makes a REAL unconditional loving family! Finding your first one, doesn't replace nor invalidate who has loved you and cherished every breath that you make in the world. It brings most of us comfort.
I now know who I look like! Where I get that need to jump out of a perfectly good airplane with just a parachute. Why playing guitar and being able to draw come so naturally to me. Because I take after my First Family. There are genetic charateristics that cannot be denied.
But I get my sponk, from my Pops. I get my kindness, from Ma. I am everything that those who loved me made me to be. Stubborn! Heck Yes, that one was from my birth mother! My half sister, is just like me. So there are two of us out there in this world! Half brother, not only do we look alike, but it is amazing how we share the same laugh, the same humor, and the same athletic abilities. And birth Aunt P! Well, she can go on and on for hours! Sound familiar? It is just simply amazing! And NO ONE could ever tell this family reunited differently!

ScottGem

jrussole disagrees: Crying herself to sleep maybe her way of dealing with a primal uncertainity. It is not for you to judge how she releases that uncertainity.

First may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature as discussed here:

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedbac...ure-24951.html

You can disagree with my advice, but its a matter of opinion not fact, therefore a negative comment is uncalled for.

I stand by my advice. It certainly is my place to make judgements on the information posted here. That's what we are all doing. You are making a judgement about this being a primal uncertainty. So why is it OK for you to make judgements and not me? Just more of your hypocricy. Its OK when you do something but not when someone else does.

It is my feeling that crying oneself to sleep over not knowing who your birth parent is, excessive. I think a counselor will help the OP deal with those feelings and determine if there is something more behind it. Maybe there isn't, but if there is, it should be resolved now.