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  • Feb 20, 2007, 06:17 PM
    David Lopez
    My wife and I adopted a child in a forgein country over 8 yrs ago. We have been experiencing a lot of problems with this child from her telling us she hates us, her cursing at us, bad behavior at school and at home. Can we give up our parental rights to her even if she is not a legal resident of the U.S. My wife has serious health problems and I am currently having several emotional problems due to the problems caused by our child.
  • Feb 20, 2007, 06:50 PM
    Fr_Chuck
    Adoption is lke having the child, a lifelong commitment. How old was the child when you adopted her ? Why is she not a legal resident, you should have taken care of that.

    But you will need to find someone to adopt her ( private adoption)
  • Feb 20, 2007, 06:59 PM
    shygrneyzs
    What do you think your child is going through? You adopted her and did not make her a legal citizen? What is up with that? If she has such serious behavioral problems, why haven't you sought some professional guidance? Is she this way only at home, or everywhere she goes? Is her behavior different in school, with friends, etc.

    Have you contacted the agency you used when you adopted her? Or was this a private adoption? You just cannot terminate your parental rights because you feel the need. Call the attorney you used in the adoption and explain what is going on. Maybe a residential placement that specializes in behavioral problems would be an option.

    But to turn your back on this child now is selfish. Don't tell me I do not know what it is like either. I do know as the parent and full time caregiver for my son who has severe disabilties ( my adopted son, by the way).

    Do right by this child. You are responsible and accountable.
  • Feb 20, 2007, 06:59 PM
    johanna12005
    I am not an exspert but I do have 5 kids of my own and 5 step I do sometimes wish I could give all mine back but I can't but sometime you do need a helping hand if I can help let me know in any way
  • Feb 20, 2007, 07:54 PM
    s_cianci
    If you adopted her 8 years ago, then how is it that she's not a legal resident of the U.S. Did you legally adopt her or is she just living with you kind of as a foster child? If it's the latter then you could terminate your parental relationship with her. You'd probably have to contact a consulate from her country of origin. If you did legally adopt her then you are responsible for her, in which case you should seek to get her professional treatment to address her abusive behavior.
  • Feb 20, 2007, 08:17 PM
    JoeCanada76
    Life long commitement.

    Your just going to throw a child away because of problems.

    Your scum.

    You're the adult. This child needs love and patience. Many children go through different stages in life.

    You need to go to counseling along with your wife and your child. Try to make it work, unless you completely want to be considered a failure.

    Oh, where did she learn all this behaviour?

    Is it a reflection of parenting?

    Oh and to add, foster care is defiantly different then adoption. Which one is it? More info the better answers you will get.

    Joe
  • Feb 21, 2007, 06:08 AM
    shygrneyzs
    It really bothers me that you say your daughter is not a legal citizen. When you adopted her she should have received a new birth certificate from your state's Department of Vital Statistics - showing your and your wife's name. Just like a natural child. Did you illegally "adopt" this child?
  • Feb 22, 2007, 11:32 AM
    don8
    Wow you guys should be ashamed of yourselves calling names! But most of what they said is true,Why would your child not be a citizen? After all if you adopted her legally then she should be. I also think that this child is crying out for help and you just want to turn your back on her. Maybe instead of asking how you can get rid of her maybe you should be asking how you can HELP her. Also if she is calling names and saying she hates you and cussing you then where did she learn this?You are the ones who have been with her so has she heard you say these things to her? If you got her when she was a baby then the only person you have to blame is YOU. At the same time though if you are going to treat her bad because of her behavior and not seek help for her then I believe you should give her to someone who will seek the help and give her the love she needs!
  • Feb 25, 2007, 09:41 PM
    sober-one
    Did It Ever Occur To Anyone That Maybe David Lopez Is Not A Legal American Citizen Either?? Maybe He Is One Of Those Who Crossed The Border Into Our Country Illegally?? That Would Certainly Make A lot Of Sense As To Why He Hasn't Sought The Proper Help For His Own Daughter, Even If She Is Adopted. Maybe He Knows That If He Tries To Do What People Have Suggested... maybe He Fears Deportment For Himself And His Wife.? I Don't Know If That Is Really The Case Or Not But I Certainly Think There Is Certainly More To The Picture Than What He Is Telling Us. I Do Try To Give Most People The Benefit Of The Doubt... but My Parents Adopted Me And When They Couldn't Deal With My Behavior... instead Of Getting Me The Help That I Needed They Decided To Kick Me Out At Age 13. I Was Then Turned Over To My Uncle Who I Lived With For About 1 Year Before Going To A School For Girls... and It Was There That I Got The Much Needed Help That My Parents Didn't Know How To Give Me... maybe I Should Revisit That Thought... they Chose Not To Give Me Would Be More The Right And Honest Answer.
    I Am A Single Parent, And I Know That There Are Times That I Think That I Am Not As Good A Parent As I Want Or Need To Be... but There Are Way Too Many Agencies Out There That Can Help Out With Your Child. I Know A Judge In The City Where I Live That Would Tell The Lopez Family Exactly What He Thinks. He Would Tell Them That They Are Far More Responsible For The Care Of This Child Than If They Had Actually Given Birth To Her. The Reason Being Is Because They Signed Their Name On A Legal, Valid, And Binding Document... it Doesn't Matter What Country She Is From... you Live In This Great Country Of The Usa... and David Lopez... you Need To Get Help For You, Your Wife And That Prescious Daughter Of Yours.
    The Bible Says, "that Children Are An Heritage From The Lord." You Need To Do Your Job As A Parent And Get Help For All Of You!! And If By Some Chance You Or Your Wife Are Not Legal Citizens Here In The Usa Than Maybe You Need To Talk With An Atty. About Becoming Legal Naturalized Citizens. There Are Plenty Of Hispanic Communities That Have Churches Where They Would Be More Than Glad To Help You With Any Or All Of These Needs. You Can Even Go To A Social Service Agency And They Will Be Glad To Assist You With Those Needs. That Is The Beauty Of America Mr. Lopez... we Help All People From All Walks Of Life No Matter What The Situation Is.
    Please Get Help Before You Hurt That Beautiful Child Anymore!!
    Sober-one
  • Mar 3, 2007, 04:30 PM
    damoninjailagain
    Damn did everybody forget about the poor child the parents have to buck up and love her more she is your child nobody else's so just get her psychological help me being a child of adoption it isn't easy for us either we don't know yal... I hated my adoptive parents for a long time because I didn't understand she will understand one day hang in there mr. lopez a change is going to come...
  • Mar 3, 2007, 04:37 PM
    Squiffy
    My son is four and tells me everyday that he hates me, hates everyone (apart from my mother!) and then five minutes later is cuddling me and being lovely. Kids can be little horrors sometimes, its what they do. What you need to do is tell her that you love her no matter what, and show that in your actions towards her also. Kids learn from example. My son (I think) is the way he is now because when he was a baby I had terrible post natal depression and I did hate him, and told him that. He was only a few months old at the time, but these things can damage kids. But its my fault he is like that, and my job to deal with the repurcussions now. Don't dump this child, ask for help if you need it, but dumping her now will just reinforce what she probably thinks of you already, that you don't care about her. Show her you do, and see how things go.
  • Mar 3, 2007, 04:58 PM
    J_9
    It just seems like being a parent these days means that you can give up your rights when the times get tough. It is a very sad state of affairs.
  • Mar 3, 2007, 06:04 PM
    amber0406
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by David Lopez
    My wife and I adopted a child in a forgein country over 8 yrs ago. We have been experiencing alot of problems with this child from her telling us she hates us, her cursing at us, bad behavior at school and at home. Can we give up our parental rights to her even if she is not a legal resident of the U.S.? My wife has serious health problems and I am currently having several emotional problems due to the problems caused by our child.

    You could stop being selfish. Do you ever look at it from the child's perspective? I have 2 sisters from another country and we might have to go through the same thing, but would never "get rid" of them because they are having problems with being adopted. That child probably has abandonment issues and they are trying to push you to see what you will do. If you do "get rid" of them that just shows them that no one is there for them. They will have issues with that for the rest of their lives. Have you not formed a bond with them? That's very sad that you could ask this question.
  • Mar 4, 2007, 12:23 PM
    lacuran8626
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by David Lopez
    My wife and I adopted a child in a forgein country over 8 yrs ago. We have been experiencing alot of problems with this child from her telling us she hates us, her cursing at us, bad behavior at school and at home. Can we give up our parental rights to her even if she is not a legal resident of the U.S.? My wife has serious health problems and I am currently having several emotional problems due to the problems caused by our child.

    Wow. I appreciate your honesty but it seems you are needing some inight about adopted children. When you adopt a child of the age of yours, it is only a survival mechanism to make sure that you are there for good before she will let herself relax and accept your love. The way children do that is to act as badly as possible to test the limits of everyone around them and see who survives. You can see that it makes sense if you are thinking of getting rid of her - it would have been absolutely devastating to her to lose another set of parents if she had allowed herself to become a functioning part of the family.

    I think you adopted her because you wanted to have her, and wanted to be parents. She is not a monster, and you did not get a "bad one". You got a child who, through no fault of her own, has been torn from her family and country and passed over in life. Now something good has inexplicably happned to her, and she's not sure she deserves anything good, nor if it is real.

    This is my suggestion. First, putting "getting rid of" her on the table as an option is the same thing as bringing divorce up in a fight with your wife. It removes all the trust from the relationship and makes moving forward impossible. You may not have said it to her, but she feels it from you. So first, you have to recommit.

    Second, you need to have a game plan that allows her to work through what she needs to, without you and your wife joining in the chaos. She cannot change overnight, but you can give her everyhing she needs to be the child you have dreamed of.

    She needs some very basic things:
    - to hear and see that you and your wife and her school are forming a team to help her be happy, secure and successful.
    - to know you can be trusted completely in all situations. This has to be earned because she has been let down before. You are paying for the crimes others, and there's no way around that but it does end.
    - To know exactly what is expected of her, to know what will happen if she misbehaves, and to have that happen consistently. Do not use any spanking or other physica punishments and do not deny her what gives her emotional comfort, for example, if she has a security object, make sure she has it when she is upset, even if she's been misbehaving.
    - Time out is a great resource. She will push you to the end of the earth and you have to stay strong, calm and in control. If she will not stay in time out, implement an additional consequence such as taking away something like her CD collection or television time. When you outlast her, and it is truly a war of the wills, you will find that she will start complying in the future.
    - Catch her doing things right. It is sometimes a stretch, but if she feels you are the police, you will not get through to her.
    - Never withhold love. Tell her you love her, show her you love her.

    The one thing your daughter needs in order to comply with you and the school is iron-clad assurance that she can trust the situation before she lets herself become a functioning part of it. If your attitude is to get rid of her, you are proving that her strategy was wise.

    Children aren't disposable. You can get some really, really good advice watching the Nanny shows that are on television - maybe even with her. It might open some conversations, like, "wow, that boy is really misbehaving but it looks like he feels like his Dad doesn't care about him. What do you think? What do you think that dad should do?"

    I think it would be nice, also,to set up - and stick with over the long term - some positive incentives and some family rituals.

    I would start by taking a day to spend with her - you an your wife - to do things that you know she enjoys. Maybe start with a meal at her favorite restaurant, take her shopping, maybe to a movie she'd like to see. At the meal, explain to her what you are trying to do:

    "Mom and I have noticed that you are having a hard time, and we see that you feel very hurt and angry. We love you, and we brought you all the way here because we want to give you a better life. We don't always know how to help you, and we need you to help us. Today is a special day because we are starting over. We are people,too, and sometimes we do things the wrong way, and we are sorry we did not understand your feelings. Maybe you can help us.

    Then spell out a few very basic rules (don't try to change the world in a day) and consequences.

    Watch the Nanny shows on television and implement their ideas. They do work but you have to commit fully.

    Also, get some counseling and get her some counseling to get over her past hurts.
  • Mar 4, 2007, 06:12 PM
    grammadidi
    Well, my answer probably won't be looked upon by the others very well, but I totally hear what you are saying. You sound like you are absolutely at the end of your rope, seriously concerned about your wife and having a real hard time of it yourself. I don't know if terminating your parental rights is the answer, but I do know that if it's that bad, then you may just be dealing with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

    An attachment disorder, especially RAD is a very serious disorder than the general population cannot understand unless they experience it themselves. It is very common in adopted children who were adopted after age 4 and have been repeatedly exposed to abuse, neglect, mistreatment and abandonment. These kids have difficulty forming healthy relationships with their family and peers, and can be very disturbed and quite dangerous - especially to supportive caregivers. According to some studies, there appears to be a strong correlation between attachment disorders and serial killers.

    There are attachment therapists but a good one is very difficult to find. If you contact me privately (click on my name on the left and you will find a link) I will give you more information and point you to several sources of support and information that I trust implicitly. I have been raising a child with RAD for 12 years and finally had to place her outside of the home in order to stay alive. It was the most difficult decision I have ever made, and took me 4 years to finally give in, but only after she admitted doing things which could have killed me when she was angry over simple things like me asking her to do her homework in her room.

    Please, please, PLEASE don't let the reactions from the other people here scare you away. If your child does have RAD you need support and understanding ASAP. There IS hope!

    Hugs, Didi
  • Mar 17, 2007, 10:17 AM
    granny
    Comment on lacuran8626's post
    Right on, lacuran8626!
  • Mar 17, 2007, 11:34 AM
    granny
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by David Lopez
    My wife and I adopted a child in a forgein country over 8 yrs ago. We have been experiencing alot of problems with this child from her telling us she hates us, her cursing at us, bad behavior at school and at home. Can we give up our parental rights to her even if she is not a legal resident of the U.S.? My wife has serious health problems and I am currently having several emotional problems due to the problems caused by our child.

    David, the key here is ACTION (as opposed to REaction). Please seek professional guidance (counseling, support, and legal advice) immediately. These situations typically escalate, and can spiral out of control.

    Yours is a family in crisis. Your daughter, your wife, yourself... no one is getting what they need in this family. It can get better, just DO something.
  • Feb 5, 2011, 09:55 PM
    Jules11
    It's disconcerting, that you are even considering giving up your child and want to 'get rid' of her. She is obviously acting this way because of her history and from the lack of parenting, love and support you show her. If you 'got rid' of her she would feel abandoned once again. If you are having trouble as a family you should get professional help instead of punishing her for your issues as well as her own.

    It's concerning that you don't use your daughters name and refer to her as if she's an object.

    I am thirteen years old and I am horrified at the thought of your opinion towards your daughter which has shown she has a life of neglect and unhappiness.
  • Feb 6, 2011, 10:17 AM
    Synnen

    This thread is FOUR YEARS OLD.

    Please watch dates when responding.

    THREAD CLOSED

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