My wife and I adopted a child in a forgein country over 8 yrs ago. We have been experiencing alot of problems with this child from her telling us she hates us, her cursing at us, bad behavior at school and at home. Can we give up our parental rights to her even if she is not a legal resident of the U.S.? My wife has serious health problems and I am currently having several emotional problems due to the problems caused by our child.

Squiffy

My son is four and tells me everyday that he hates me, hates everyone (apart from my mother!) and then five minutes later is cuddling me and being lovely. Kids can be little horrors sometimes, its what they do. What you need to do is tell her that you love her no matter what, and show that in your actions towards her also. Kids learn from example. My son (I think) is the way he is now because when he was a baby I had terrible post natal depression and I did hate him, and told him that. He was only a few months old at the time, but these things can damage kids. But its my fault he is like that, and my job to deal with the repurcussions now. Dont dump this child, ask for help if you need it, but dumping her now will just reinforce what she probably thinks of you already, that you dont care about her. Show her you do, and see how things go.

J_9

It just seems like being a parent these days means that you can give up your rights when the times get tough. It is a very sad state of affairs.

amber0406

You could stop being selfish. Do you ever look at it from the childs perspective? I have 2 sisters from another country and we might have to go through the same thing, but would never "get rid" of them because they are having problems with being adopted. That child probably has abandonment issues and they are trying to push you to see what you will do. If you do "get rid" of them that just shows them that no one is there for them. They will have issues with that for the rest of their lives. Have you not formed a bond with them? Thats very sad that you could ask this question.

lacuran8626

Wow. I appreciate your honesty but it seems you are needing some inight about adopted children. When you adopt a child of the age of yours, it is only a survival mechanism to make sure that you are there for good before she will let herself relax and accept your love. The way children do that is to act as badly as possible to test the limits of everyone around them and see who survives. You can see that it makes sense if you are thinking of getting rid of her - it would have been absolutely devastating to her to lose another set of parents if she had allowed herself to become a functioning part of the family.

I think you adopted her because you wanted to have her, and wanted to be parents. She is not a monster, and you did not get a "bad one". You got a child who, through no fault of her own, has been torn from her family and country and passed over in life. Now something good has inexplicably happned to her, and she's not sure she deserves anything good, nor if it is real.

This is my suggestion. First, putting "getting rid of" her on the table as an option is the same thing as bringing divorce up in a fight with your wife. It removes all the trust from the relationship and makes moving forward impossible. You may not have said it to her, but she feels it from you. So first, you have to recommit.

Second, you need to have a game plan that allows her to work through what she needs to, without you and your wife joining in the chaos. She cannot change overnight, but you can give her everyhing she needs to be the child you have dreamed of.

She needs some very basic things:
- to hear and see that you and your wife and her school are forming a team to help her be happy, secure and successful.
- to know you can be trusted completely in all situations. This has to be earned becasue she has been let down before. You are paying for the crimes others, and there's no way around that but it does end.
- To know exactly what is expected of her, to know what will happen if she misbehaves, and to have that happen consistently. Do not use any spanking or other physica punishments and do not deny her what gives her emotional comfort, for example, if she has a security object, make sure she has it when she is upset, even if she's been misbehaving.
- Time out is a great resource. She will push you to the end of the earth and you have to stay strong, calm and in control. If she will not stay in time out, implement an additional consequence such as taking away something like her CD collection or television time. When you outlast her, and it is truly a war of the wills, you will find that she will start complying in the future.
- Catch her doing things right. It is sometimes a stretch, but if she feels you are the police, you will not get through to her.
- Never withold love. Tell her you love her, show her you love her.

The one thing your daughter needs in order to comply with you and the school is iron-clad assurance that she can trust the situation before she lets herself become a functioning part of it. If your attitude is to get rid of her, you are proving that her strategy was wise.

Children aren't disposable. You can get some really, really good advice watching the Nanny shows that are on television - maybe even with her. It might open some conversations, like, "wow, that boy is really misbehaving but it looks like he feels like his Dad doesn't care about him. What do you think? What do you think that dad should do?"

I think it would be nice, also,to set up - and stick with over the long term - some positive incentives and some family rituals.

I would start by taking a day to spend with her - you an your wife - to do things that you know she enjoys. Maybe start with a meal at her favorite restaurant, take her shopping, maybe to a movie she'd like to see. At the meal, explain to her what you are trying to do:

"Mom and I have noticed that you are having a hard time, and we see that you feel very hurt and angry. We love you, and we brought you all the way here because we want to give you a better life. We don't always know how to help you, and we need you to help us. Today is a special day because we are starting over. We are people,too, and sometimes we do things the wrong way, and we are sorry we did not understand your feelings. Maybe you can help us.

Then spell out a few very basic rules (don't try to change the world in a day) and consequences.

Watch the Nanny shows on television and implement their ideas. They do work but you have to commit fully.

Also, get some couseling and get her some counseling to get over her past hurts.

grammadidi

Well, my answer probably won't be looked upon by the others very well, but I totally hear what you are saying. You sound like you are absolutely at the end of your rope, seriously concerned about your wife and having a real hard time of it yourself. I don't know if terminating your parental rights is the answer, but I do know that if it's that bad, then you may just be dealing with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

An attachment disorder, especially RAD is a very serious disorder than the general population cannot understand unless they experience it themselves. It is very common in adopted children who were adopted after age 4 and have been repeatedly exposed to abuse, neglect, mistreatment and abandonment. These kids have difficulty forming healthy relationships with their family and peers, and can be very disturbed and quite dangerous - especially to supportive caregivers. According to some studies, there appears to be a strong correlation between attachment disorders and serial killers.

There are attachment therapists but a good one is very difficult to find. If you contact me privately (click on my name on the left and you will find a link) I will give you more information and point you to several sources of support and information that I trust implicitly. I have been raising a child with RAD for 12 years and finally had to place her outside of the home in order to stay alive. It was the most difficult decision I have ever made, and took me 4 years to finally give in, but only after she admitted doing things which could have killed me when she was angry over simple things like me asking her to do her homework in her room.

Please, please, PLEASE don't let the reactions from the other people here scare you away. If your child does have RAD you need support and understanding ASAP. There IS hope!

Hugs, Didi

granny

David, the key here is ACTION (as opposed to REaction). Please seek professional guidance (counseling, support, and legal advice) immediately. These situations typically escalate, and can spiral out of control.

Yours is a family in crisis. Your daughter, your wife, your self... no one is getting what they need in this family. It can get better, just DO something.