Biological mother does not want contact

Your mother has no control, legal or otherwise over her contacting other family members. She does have the right to want to know her family, and unless they ask her to stop, these is nothing wrong. If the contact with your mother continues after asking her to stop, she can seek a restraining order, or pursue harassment charges, but those have nothing to do with contacting other family members. If they are uncomfortable with the contact, they must ask her to stop, and take the same steps.

This is a heartbreaking situation. This child that was adopted by a family now wants to have contact with her birth mother and her family. No matter how wonderful her adoptive family was or is - and no matter how much money they have - there is nothing that can take the place of knowing your own family, your own mother. This person has been courageous to contact your mother and to want to know her. I hope your mother will re-consider her decision not to have anything to do with her. It was not her fault she was born and then placed up for adoption - she was a baby and had no say in being adopted. Now she would like to know her mother and about her mother. No doubt she is seeking to find meaning and answers to her life. That has no price tag in life. Your mother may not need to be friends with her and live happily ever after - but at the very least - I would say to speak with her. I don't know the reasons for why she was placed up for adoption - but it was not her fault for whatever happened. I can only imagine that this is very difficult for her and your mother. Your mother may feel it is easier to just not deal with her - rather than deal with her own feelings about what happened. It is just heartbreaking for everyone involved.

You do not say how she has been disrespectful to your mother. It might help if you explain.

Illusion--are you a birthmother?

If not, you have NO IDEA what you are talking about.

The wounds from choosing adoption are very deep, and contact sometimes rips the scabs off of those wounds, rubs salt and lemon juice on them, and hurts even more than the original pain of the adoption.

The birthmother has NO OBLIGATIONS to the adopted child beyond medical records. If she does not want contact, that should be respected completely.

I have to agree with Synnen here. Your response is very wrong. The mother chose to give up the child for adoption and requested a closed adoption. For whatever reasons she did this those are her wishes and THEY NEED TO BE RESPECTED. That is how the child is being disrespectful to the mother. In addition, any family members that are encouraging the child and maintaining contact are also being disrespectful to the mother.

This child has NO rights to anything beyond medical information. Yes this is heartbreaking for everyone. But this is the danger an adoptee risks when they try to find their birth parents.

To cjaz,
Your mother should reiterate strongly to your family members that she closed this chapter of her life 40 years ago. That it is painful to have it revisited and ask that they respect her wishes by not encouraging the girl.

She should send the girl a letter stating in no uncertain terms that she while she can understand the girl's feelings, she has to understand and respect hers. And tell her that she does not want any contact and ask her to respect that and not contact other family members.

Unfortunately she cannot legally compel other family members to cease contact, but she can legally compel the girl to not contact her. She should also read the terms of the adoption contract. There may be grounds for a suit if her information was revealed in violation of the contract.

All right. From a legal standpoint you are absolutely right. But the writer stated she could not understand why the adopted child wanted contact with her mother beyond medical information. I just gave my idea on that and why it might be important for the adopted child. I realize that there are legal issues here - but that is not what the writer asked and she did say she wanted any ideas on this.

I think the OP was asking for thoughts from the mother's point of view, not the adopted child's. Yes, it is pretty well understood why an adopted child would want to seek contact with their biological family.

I subscribe to the principle that anyone is entitled to do what they want up to, but NOT including when what they want infringes on someone else's rights to do what they want. Under that principle, as soon as the adopted child was told the bio mother did not want contact, she should have backed off. The OP made it very clear how the mother felt, so advising the mother to reconsider her position was not applicable advice.

I was adopted back in the 60's. 6 years ago I found both my birth parents by hiring an intermediary. My father's answer was immediately yes. My mother's answer, after 3 days of thinking about it said no and to never contact her again.When asking her about medical information - she was very rude and said she was not going to share anything and do not contact her children. I would have respected her "no contact" wishes except how she responded to the medical information completely upset me. At that point I felt disrespected. How dare her refuse to give me medical information.My intermediary was stunned. I was determined to contact her because of it and did find her on my own. Did I have that right? I felt I absolutely did for the medical information at the very least. I was ready for a "no" answer from her but not that kind of "no" to my medical background. I had my father make the call to her. I knew in my heart that she wanted to know who I was but there was a very specific reason why she said no. I was right. No one in her family knew, no one, not even her husband and children. She did not want to hurt her spouse. She pleaded with me and I agreed to keep it between us but I wanted all medical information and I wanted pictures of her and get to know her a little. She agreed and gave me a lot of information and what happened back then with her and my father and also gave me a picture of what she looked like back then and now. It's tough because it's all been through email. After 5 years I still have not heard her voice or met her in person. She wants to one day meet both me and my father but she just can't right now. Her family is huge and I know I have a couple of siblings by her, many aunts, uncles, cousins. I even know who some of them are and where they are but they do not know me at all. I believe if I reveal who I am it could potentially ruin my birth mother's life and/or cause a lot of grief. She was told when she chose adoption that is was the best thing even though she did not feel that way. She was told to live life like it never happened. Carrying a child and not being able to bond with it is unnatural. I believe that even though it is not my fault for being adopted and it's very very hard to not just go up to her home and say here I am or to her children and the rest of my family too, i have to respect her wishes. I have to try to understand her position. I don't like it and still feel it's not fair and It's hard sometimes but I am thankful that I have a lot more info than I used to have and the bonus is that I found my birth father which I did not expect at all. I am truly grateful for what I do have. His family have been so wonderful and accepting. My birth mother still could have refused me when my father called her. I wanted her to be at ease and not be scared that I would expose her. She was acting out of fear in the beginning. I met my birth father in person and have kept in touch with him. He doesn't understand how my birth mother can be like she is but it is what it is. It was scary to go down this path not knowing what to expect.I started and stopped so many times and finally decided to go full force because this is something that I always wanted and did not want to have any regrets no matter what the outcome. I had to get over the fantasy that all would be wonderful when I found my birth mother. It was great in the beginning but now we hardly email each other. She has a lot going on in her life, popular in her community - another reason - and her main focus is her husband's health and happiness. She is a very nice person and I am thankful that she shared with me some very deep and honest feelings about most everything. I hope this helps.

You had a right to the medical information. But NOTHING else. She should NOT have had to "plead" with you for confidentiality. And frankly, I find your request for pictures and getting to know her emotional blackmail. I suspect that her pleading made you feel that you had her over a barrel and so you pressed for more than you were entitled to.

What you should have done is have the intermediary go back and tell her that you were entitled to medical information, but that you would respect her wishes for no other contact and would keep whatever info you had confidential..

Even using your father to convey the same message. I would have left the door open for any contact she wished to have above and beyond the medical info.

Your situation is why adoptees should not make a concerted effort to contact their birth parents. I'm not sure if you have any clue what your birth mother was feeling. This was a chapter of her life that she thought was closed. A chapter she has not told her husband about and one she feared may affect her marriage. Yet here you came blundering in threatening her current life!

This is what bothers me about adoptees trying to find birth parents. Its almost always about them with almost no consideration for what they might be doing to the birth parent.

So my answer to the OP in this thread remains the same. She HAS to respect her birth mothers wishes about contact with her and her family.

You invaded your birth mother's privacy and used an intermediary to do so - and YOU feel disrespected? Unfortunately, I don't believe your birth mother owes you anything. I can't believe you got your father involved because he knows how she can be (or words to that effect). She begged you to maintain her privacy?

I am, quite frankly, shocked.

I see a post about you, you, you.