I am seeking closure for my adoption. I was born in 1983 I have all legal documentation with my name, birth record and adoption papers. I am 23 years old. I have the legal papers signed by my birth mother, the hospital and the lawyers. I have multiple birth certificates one with her name and one with my adoptive parents.

I am seeking closure on this and I have contacted her (with my birth father) and she lies and plays mind games with both of us. She denies everything and then says I am not hers and she found her "child". I want not only closure but to know about my health background and other things a child would want to know - she is my mother!! I have questions. I want to know - i need closure on this. Its an emotional wreck.

I am not asking for a forever relationship, friendships, or money. I am not asking for anything at all from this. I just want closure on this. I live in Texas and she lives in Georgia with her two kids and her father (who knows the truth but doesnt want involvement).

Can I force DNA testing with her?? Even with all my legal documents?


Please someone help me. I need all the help I can get.

Synnen

Unless you have a medical issue that would need your biological medical background....I doubt you can sue her for this.

She does not want involvement with you.

Your closure is NOT going to come through her.

I suggest you start seeing a counselor who specializes in adoption.

jesward

I dont want to sue her, i just want to prove to her that I am her child - she doesnt think that I am. If I could get a DNA test that would prove it.

Synnen

She doesn't WANT you to prove it.

You can't force someone to see something they don't want to see.

I mean, I'm sure you can try following her and getting her used glass or comb or something and basically invading her privacy to get some form of DNA and then paying for the testing yourself (and DNA testing is VERY expensive) --but really, why bother? She's not going to accept that proof any more than she accepts your current proof, because she doesn't WANT to.

jesward

She hasn't seen my proof. I havent even told HER directly that I have it. She does know by word of mouth of it.

I'm not being rude, but have you experienced anything like this before? By the way you talk - you dont and wouldnt understand the situation. I see from your posting you are listed as "adult Sexuality Expert" that doesnt make YOU an expert on the situation. Unless you have experienced or are experiencing the same thing - you don't understand. So dont tell me "why bother"

Synnen

I'm a birthmother.

I'd think that would give me SOME experience with the situation.

If you're really that interested in doing this, then talk to a lawyer in your state. You'll need one anyway to do what you are intending to do.

But really--SHE is not responsible for YOUR closure. Not all birthparents want a reunion. You are probably messing with HER closure--that she probably worked for years to get herself.

So while I'm not in YOUR shoes for this instance, and though I do hope for reunion--I DO speak with other birthmothers around the world through several support boards, and not all of them want a piece of their past--that they've put behind them--showing up and throwing everything into pieces for them again.

Have you SERIOUSLY thought about how this is affecting HER? She made the best choice she could for you 23 years ago--and you coming back and "needing" closure makes it look (to her) as though she failed you in that choice--have you thought about how this makes HER feel?

Seriously--your attitude isn't all that great for someone seeking help, and you come across as yet another adoptee that feels as though they are justified in ruining someone else's life for something that you don't even NEED. You just WANT it.

You want my best advice on this? Advice you'd get from just about anyone else on these boards?

Get a counselor to help you through YOUR issues--the ones that have NOTHING to do with whether or not your birthmom will talk to you. And then get a lawyer to see what you can do to invade someone else's privacy to "prove" something that matters only to you.

Altenweg

It sounds like she isn't willing to acknowledge you as her child. You said that she claims to have found the child that she gave up. Do they have a relationship? Maybe she just doesn't want to lose the relationship she formed with a child that she thought was hers. If she admits that you are her child, then she has to admit that the other person isn't.

I don't know what you can do legally. I would suggest finding closure another way. This women obviously doesn't want to deal with this situation.

Good Luck.

N0help4u

What do you expect to accomplish with medical history unless there is an emergency?
I know my mother and my father and have never needed any medical history.
If the time came you needed it then it would be an issue.

I don't understand if your birth father says she gave birth to you he should know. Right?
At least my guess is that she is in denial that you are hers. I am not sure how or why your birth father would say she is your mom if she isn't. Like Synnen said even if you prove it she will go on in denial and even most likely resent you for pushing the issue.
She is in denial for whatever reason. There isn't anything you can do but respect her wish. Pushing her could lead to her putting harassment charges on you.

Many people have to accept that there is no closure. Like the MIA's families from the Viet Nam war is one that comes to mind.

Many kids that have two parents even have to cope with things that cause pain to them and often they can not get closure either.
The best thing you can do for yourself is be whole within yourself and not rely on needing anybody else to make you whole. Make something of your life that your mom would have been proud of if she could take credit. That is what many people do to cope with their lack of closure.