This is hard for me here, and has been in the past when I have gotten help before. But whatever I do I cannot seem to get away from this addiction. My problem is I've had an eating disorder for almost 3 years now. It started with anorexia and developed into bulimia/binge eating. I no longer have any problems with anorexia, since I can't seem to make myself stop eating. Some days I'm fine (on days I am terribly busy and can't stop to eat) but when I am home all I do is eat. My husband doesn't notice, and I can't see how he doesn't. He knows about the problem, I have confided in him on several occasions, and he has tried to help me before...now thinking that he has eliminated the problem and that I am fine. In his head, this should be a fix right away. There shouldnt be a reason why I shouldnt be able to stop cold turkey. But my issue is that we need food on a daily basis. So it's not like I can isolate myself from my addiction 100%.
I have been seeing a counselor. But she hasn't been helping me. What she is trying to do is find my inner child and figure out what it's trying to tell me. She tells me to continue on with the bulimia until my body tells me it no longer needs it. But this is harming me. I can't live my life any more. I don't know how to be around people without wanting to leave so I can eat and then make myself sick.
No matter what I do I find myself back in the cycle. I have gone to Over eaters Anonymous Classes, and all I do is feel ashamed. I have told very close friends about it, but they listen rather than give advice.
I need advice on what to do so I can stop. Little steps so I can start to control what I am doing. Because obviously I can't isolate myself from food completely. Can anyone tell me anything? I know this is a big one, but I am at my end. I have no other options. And as each day goes on, I no longer see a point to being here rather than eating and purging. And what kind of life is that.
Please help.

JudyKayTee

To begin with you need to find a new counsellor, another counsellor, a counsellor you can work with, someone less tied into the advice she gives everyone and more tied into the advice that suits you.

I worked with a woman who purged - she found that if she took her day one hour at a time (she didn't purge now. She'll wait an hour. No, wait, she'll wait another hour when that hour passes) and it worked for her.

Don't look at the big picture - look at the baby steps.

ladybug123

The problem is I can't get a different counselor. I get mental health through my work, and when I started going there, they evaluate you and put you up with one person and its her or no one. They don't have a lot of time for mixing up there. And I do not have the money to go to a private counselor in town. She did help initially, because she had tricked me into believing that as soon as I switched jobs (which is what she said the trigger was) I would start getting better. And it seemed as if I was fine for a week. But it all creeps back up. It's just been going on too long, and my body is really starting to take a toll. I am noticing it more and more. And I never did before, I used to think I could do this forever and never crumble.
I also try the hour by hour. But as soon as my husband wants me to cook something for him it gets hard. I make his lunch and a different one for me (I am vegetarian) and try to be good. But then I always seem to eat too much, and it all goes downhill from there. I look at myself as "well you already over ate, so you might aswell keep going so you can get it all out".
I sneak around the house so he wont notice it. I wait until he goes to sleep and don't even use the bathroom anymore since that's two doors down from our bedroom. I feel pathetic and alone in all of this. Because every time I bring it up to my husband, and tell him it's either getting worse or starting back up, he just gets upset with me because I haven't gotten better yet.

bd83009

Hi Ladybug,
I have been where you are now and wish I could take your pain away. Bulimia is a vicious disease. First of all, please know that there is life beyond this cycle.

You mention your husband and Overeaters Anonymous, do you have anyone else whom you can reach out to? I encourage you to explain to your husband that your problem is not 'fixed' and will be an ongoing part of your life. After ten years of daily bingeing and purging, I have not purged for over a year but there are many days when it is difficult not to. It is those days that I rely on my husband and on the progress I have made.

I was so ashamed for many years. A big turning point for me was when I was able to begin looking at my Bulimia from a distant, clinical viewpoint. As in, this is not who I am, this is an illness I live with. Part of this step was discussing my Bulimia with the people close to me. I was able to gain a little more perspective.

There is so much to say about the path beyond regular bingeing and purging; I feel that I don't even know where to start. You are right that you can never isolate yourself from food. You can't stop eating. Your body will never tell you that you no longer need to binge. Have you looked into any therapists who are eating disorder specialists? Some anti-depressants have been shown to help with treating Bulimia.

I'm not sure if any of this helps. Don't give up- I promise you, you will find more to life than this.

ladybug123

Thank you so much bd83009. You actually brought tears to my eyes. I am feeling so hopeless lately. And don't know where to turn anymore. I have told one of my close friends, but know that the others will judge me and am afraid of that. I feel as if they will think it is for attention. But how can it be if I have been hiding it for all these years? The only reason I am reaching out is because I can't do this by myself anymore. I have tried to help myself, I have tried professionals (still am) and nothing is working. I am at my ropes end.

bd83009

Hi Ladybug,
Here are some of the things I do and did to overcome the daily cycle.
1. Regular exercise. This will do so much to help you feel better about yourself.
2. I don't keep 'trigger foods' in the house. This is really important for me. If cooking food is a trigger for you, don't do it. Your husband has to get on board with you and your recovery. If you were an alcoholic, he wouldn't ask you to mix his drinks.
3. I threw away my scale. My Bulimia was never about my weight per se but all my anxieties being boiled down to one number. Even when I go to the doctor and they want to weigh me, I ask them to not say the number out loud and I turn away from the scale.
4. I tried to identify the times that it is most difficult not to binge and purge. For me, 4:00 in the afternoon is my witching hour. I think this is because this is the time that I would get home from school when I was younger. I try to make sure that I am not around food at this time.
5. I keep a few books around that have helped me. Reviving Ophelia and Hunger Pains by Mary Pipher are two of the big ones. Reviving Ophelia is about girls in North American culture which was appropriate for me because my Bulimia started when I was fourteen. It sounds like yours started when you were out of your teen years but I still think you would get a lot out of it. Hunger Pains is really useful. It's a small book but has a lot of amazing information. Mary Pipher is a therapist and this book is her plan for people to overcome eating disorders. If you do nothing else, buy this book. It is a great point to get started. I also found it really useful to read books by sociologists on women and girls in our western culture and the challenges we face with body image. I would encourage your husband to read these books too. People sometimes don't understand what an eating disorder really is. They think it is a lack of will rather than an addiction. If your husband becomes educated about eating disorders he can become a big ally for you.
6. Realize that this road is long. I will always be bulimic. There is something in our brains that tells us to get into this cycle. When I was still in my daily binge and purge cycle and was trying to quit (because we are always trying, aren't we?) and wouldn't be able to, I would beat myself up. This hatred did nothing to end the cycle; in fact it perpetuated it. When I do binge and purge I try to figure out why. What is triggering this? And then I try to change those things.

I know it's hell. One day though, I woke up and bulimia was not the first thing I thought of. Eventually, I went a whole day without bingeing and purging. Celebrating these small things will get you through. I promise you can do it!

ladybug123

bd83009 thank you. I'm greatful that you are sharing your past with me, I know it must be hard to write it down.
I know my husband can be my greatest help, and I have been trying to get him to understand, but most of the time fighting. Buying those books and reading about it sounds like the best start for me. Maybe somewhere within one of those books he can find some compassion and understanding. And for myself maybe a realization of what is going on.
I try not to beat myself up after I relaps, but it is hard. I try to hard to contain myself and when I fail I feel so angry. My counselor (the one who hasnt been helping) did say that there are life events that trigger what's going on. But she told me to avoid those events all together. You can't avoid life, you can only control how you feel about it. And I know I've lost control of the way I feel about almost everything, which is why I still haven't gained control of this.
I actually started back when I was 16 a little bit. Due to a boyfriend saying I was too fat for him, so I let him influence me. Didn't do it long. But after having already done it, over the years it was always easy to revert back to it. Whenever I ate too much or gained some weight I just said "oh well, I can just purge it all back up and I'll be fine". Which was the problem. But just within the last 3 years has it been a pretty much daily problem. And when I can't sneak away I get cranky and mean and fight with everyone around me. I've become an aweful person.

It makes so much sense to think of it as being bulimic for the rest of your life. And that because you have to have food to live. Sometimes I just wish that I was addicted to something I could just eliminate out of my life. Not something I need to live.

Can seeing a nutritionist help? In the past I didn't think seeing someone who dealt with food was a very good idea. It would just get me thinking about it and I would have lost for the day. But one is available to me through work, and now I'm just curious.

Gemini54

Being Bulimic is a life long thing and I do think that acceptance is a first step in managing the disorder. Note that I said managing, not eliminating.

Accepting that this is a condition which you need to manage rather than control or eliminate can really asist in easing some of the desperation that you're feeling. Being eventually able to manage it and not respond to the triggers will take time and patience.

Stress seems to be a big part of what is a trigger. For example, you're feeling stressed about the bulimia, you don't want to purge, you eat too much, you feel stressed, you purge and it all starts again.

So, deal with any stress that you have in your life. If the bulimia is your major stressor, then accept that you have the disorder and that it will take time to stabilize it. Accept that it may lurk, in the background forever. Don't beat yourself up if you resort to purging.

Make sure that you take additional vitamins if you need them (particularly the B group if you're stressed), minerals such as potassium and magnesium, get a dental check up and get lots of fresh air and exercise.

Finally, let your husband know that this isn't like a flu that passes overnight. Ask him not to judge you but let him know that you're trying your best, and that it will take time.

I wish you all the best.

bd83009

Hi Ladybug,
Everything you're saying makes perfect sense. I think seeing a nutritionist is a great idea. It seems counterintuitive at first glance but learning about food, nutrition, and exercise helped me with my recovery immensely.

I have always been a competitive athlete and was mindful of nutrition and exercise but never in a positive way. I looked at them as a necessary evil. Now, I don't EVER count calories (it is a big trigger for me) but I think about making good food choices. I allow myself leeway though. I figure if four out of the five things I put in my mouth are healthy, I'm doing good. But, like I said before, I don't keep any junk or trigger foods in the house. Also, while I don't count calories, I have to know that a food isn't loaded with calories or I freak out. The magazine Cooking Light is really good for this because it has delicious, sensible food within its pages and all the recipes have a nutrition breakdown. Also, someone who isn't interested in food nutrition (like my husband) doesn't feel like he's eating rabbit food when he's eating recipes from that magazine. I never went to a nutritionist but looking back, I totally should have.

As far as exercise goes, my brother, who is a personal trainer, has helped me a lot. For me, aerobic exercise is good, but weight training is great! As women, we aren't taught very much about the weight room but it is an amazing tool to feel good about yourself. If you go to your library, I'm sure they have some good books on working with weights, one I really like is called Strength Training For Triathletes. As the title suggests, it is written for triathletes but it would be a great book for anyone. I had been worried that I would get "bulky" if I was lifting weights but I look and feel better than I ever have before.

I'm happy to share all this with you and it isn't hard at all anymore. It really helps me to talk with other people who are in recovery too.

ladybug123

I want to excersise, I feel almost as if I should to get better. But at this point i am viewing excersise more as a trading space for the addcition. In the past I have stopped purging for a couple of weeks but overdone diet pills and the gym immensly. To the point where I was loosing more weight doing it that way than the purging. But it never lasted, thank god.
Right now, I am enlisted in a yoga class once a week for 10 weeks, but due to work havent been able to make it for the past 2 sessions. Mostly cause I would be missing the first 10 minutes of the class, which stressed me out, and puts me in a bad state of mind. I have not had any motivaition for the gym simply because I havent had enough energy.

I am trying so hard to overcome this addiciton that I have really watching what i am eating. generally i tend to overeat during lunch and then again once i am home from work, since my husband comes home 2 hours after i do. Lately I have not been eating lunch so I can avoid overeating at that time all together. But it has relaly been takign a toll on my energy. I also try to watch and eat somethign healthy for dinner. Since I am vegetarian that isn't generally a problem. It was the snacking that became an issue for me. I would just keep hunting for food.
However I have noticed that by limiting the times I let myself eat that my appetite has become smaller and I become nauseous whenever I do eat. Is this because I am simply replacing one addiction with another bad habbit? I do not want to fall into a different cycle. My purpose is not to loose weight or maintain weight, but to become healthy and let my body recover. I am simply trying to avoid the situations in which I tend to overeat.

Can anyone give me any advice on what they think could help?