I'll try to make this as brief as possible. After about 5 years of crack and other drug additions, my stepdaughter wanted our help. She gave birth to two children while on crack, and both were taken away from her and the babies' daddy..who is also an addict/dealer.
After a couple weeks of research and begging I got her into a center for drug free living where we live. She was there for 3 months. The whole time she was there, she continuously broke the rules, because she thought they were stupid, and lied about everything. She got involved with another resident. They were told on several occasions that the involvement was not advised during their treatment. They thought that was stupid too. They were both kicked out last week, because of the continuing of breaking of the rules.
She is staying with us, temporarily, but I have a few questions.
Today she is on the bus going for a visit to her "new friend's" house. I don't think she should have gone. I think she should have stayed and gone thru the papers looking for jobs, and making calls for interviews. Her mother is saying that if she doesn't have a job in two weeks, we will kick her out. Her lying is the biggest problem. She is lying about everything little things and big.
Someone give me some advice please. I want to do what's right...but I feel like this is a continuation of the past year. If we say something she doesn't like, she will leave and go.
Thanks.

andybear72

Thank you. Since I have posted this I have made some positive steps. I have gotten honest with my closest friends and also with my doctor who I have a very good relationship with. I am really trying to take one day at a time. I really do hope things are good with your daughter.

grets1333

I have to add onto this, and hope you all will be able to guide me. Update. She stayed at the friends. They are "involved in a relationship." She was full of anger when we went to talk to her, and said she wanted to stay there. We told her, we can't make her come with us. So she's stayed. She didn't rreally seem to be trying to find a job or anything for the first week, until her mother let loose on her. Now she has filled out a few applications...how many I don't know. How many meetings she's gone to? one or two tops. She calls and tries the sympathy line, "well I really want to see my daughter, so I'll use the few bucks I have to catch the bus, but then I'll be broke!"
My response is this...you are the one who chose to move further away from your daughter, so now you live with that decision. Get a job and then you'll have the money for the bus, and won't have to worry about using your last few dollars. I want her to learn all the consequences of her actions. We wanted her to come home, we asked that she not get into a relationship...that is why she was kicked out of re-hab. She was getting involved, and they warned her. Its like she wants to do what she wants, and then we're suppose to pick up the slack. Am I being to hard on her? I mean last week I was panicing I wouldn't be able to get my bills paid, and now I'm suppose to explain again, how we can't afford to drive 45 minutes one way to drive her back and forth? She wants the girlfriend to come with her, because she wants to see how she will get along with her daughter..I said, its not important now...you won't be getting your daughter for quite awhile. Worry about getting a job and let her do the same. When you have money to spend then you come for a visit.
Just tell me if I'm being to harsh, or should I ease up? It's causing stress on both her mother and me...and I don't want to drive a wedge between us either.Thanks everyone. grets

talaniman

Let her mother read this whole post and try and educate her about addictions by going to an aanon meeting or googling it on the net. To answer your question, no your not being harsh at all. And don't be manipulated by anyone trying to convince you otherwise.
This girl needs to learn to want to get help for herself, or realise the consequences, JAIL, INSTITUTIONS, OR DEATH. THAT'S THE FUTURE FOR ADDICTS, AND ALCOHOLICS.

shellyjo68

Grets,
You are doing right. Stand your ground.
I know a father who was in a simular situation as yours. He took his daughter's welfare check each month and would buy diapers, pay the bills ect (thngs were different then). She hated him for years. He would take her food stamps and buy food so that she couldn't trade them for cash. Eventually she ended up in college, became a microbiologist and also owns a small local business. As she matured and got clean she understood that if it had not been for his strong fist and forcing the rules she would never be where she is today.

MayfairLady

Alnon would really help you deal with this situation and let you talk with other parents in similar situations and find out how they dealt with things. You would feel less alone in all this and get ideas of what to do and how addicts have been helped successfully. sometimes 'tough love' is what brings an addict to their senses, when they run out of all resources, they are left with themselves and HAVE to face things. you always have to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions. due to their risky lifestyle and unpredictibility, anything can happen. Remembering that an addict or alcoholic NOT on a recovery programme is a very sick person can be helpful, but also remember they have the ability to make others unwell around them through lies, stress, and forcing their responsbilities on others. It is vitally important that you have support through this for you and your wife to gain insight into your situation and make informed decisions that could potentially affect the rest of your family's future. Sounds like your daughter is still clean which is something to build on and encourage, even if everything else is not going as well as you think it should. recovery takes a long time especially from a mind bending drug, so be patient as you can be and be there for her but keep your own lives and interests active and important. You can look up the Big Book of AA on the net, there is a chapter called 'the family afterward' which may be helpful to read.