I am a recoveing alcoholic, been sober for a little over a year. my 13 year old daughter has lived with my xhusband and stepmother for almost 7 years. my daughter has a great life now. she is a honor roll student, cheerleader, very well liked by teachers and her friends parents. she is a child parents would be proud to call there own. but i had nothing to do with this.. it was all her stepmother, who has for the most part tried to keep my relationship afloat. even makes excuses for me.(her brother was an alcoholic and died years ago so she is patient with me) she tries to keep my daughter, Lisa aware of what this disease does etc. i have been out of rehab this last time for 1 1/2 years. but i don't have a stable job. we fight endlessly about me not having a job, paying support on a regular basis. she is mad if i don't want to help more than my $50 support. she has a summer job babysiting for 6.5 an hour. she makes more in one day than i send her for support. so of course she feels i am making excuses for not working or having a life. to make things worse, her stepmother's boss is a recoving alcoholic for i think almost 20 years and he is an accountant, so there is no excuse for me not to be working and living. she has asked what i do all day, if i am not working...how could i be happy with the life i have why don't i want more out of life.. she has now given up on me.. ever being someone she can be proud of, having a normal full life. she isn't asking much of me either.. She doesn't understand that if i wnat to prove to her i am worthy of her respect and prove that i am better i should be working full time, etc. even at McDonalds, Rite aid would make her happy... i just cant.... am i asking too much for some respect from her. i have never been a mother to her in any way except giving her birth...

valinors_sorrow

Without knowing more it is difficult to say what exactly is going wrong here. It may be about the money, it may be about the image, it may even be about your past transgressions still lurking in the background that you have yet to deal with (I am guessing) and ultimately it may be her enormous fear that someone she loves may drink again.

We all deserve respect and when we don't get it, it hurts. The same can be said for security, which you have provided scant amounts to her, so there is that to consider too.

I would encourage you to focus on two things:

1. Your recovery - it must come first and it must be thorough or the risk of a relapse is very real. I didn't hear anything in your post about what is happening there and I took notice of that so perhaps she does too?

2. An honest appraisal of your relationship with your daughter - gently, lovingly get to the bottom of it since I suspect its more emotional than financial. Consider attending Alateen with her or taking her to an open meeting of AA to help educate her about recovery (since she probably already knows enough about the disease).

I am glad you posted your concerns here and I hope I have provided some worthy food for thought. If you have further questions, please post them here.

kp2171

the teenage years are hard enough to get through when you do, as a parent, all of the things you are supposed to. they are becoming more aware of the choices one can make, they are making decisions about their lives more independently, and they are, though far from it, becoming more adult and less child.

your daughter does not understand your disease. she has mostly been involved in the collateral damage it does. im afraid giving birth to her is unlikely to be enough. your daughter has standards that she expects of herself, and shes projecting those onto others around her. and... fair or not, shes forming and reforming her own biased opinions.

remember when you learned to drive? i do. i remember overnight becoming the biggest critic of my parents driving skills. too fast, too slow, rolling through a stopsign, no signal... remember that? again... shes beginning to practice being an adult, to practice making responsible choices. be glad, at least, that she seems grounded in reasonable thinking from that perspective.

you have some things going for you. your daughter expects more of you. thats not a bad thing. that means she still has faith in you. she has not given up. shes frustrated, for sure... but if she had given up and didnt think you could be in a better place she wouldnt be so upset.

you also have the stepmother who is understanding enough to help mend the relationship or at least help soften the blows. i think you are pretty lucky in this regard.

so... listen to val, she knows what shes talking about.

center yourself. there is help for you. it can be done. it may not be pretty.

the fact you want things to be better shows that you too havent lost complete faith in your self.

YeloDasy

I agree with the above advice.... great words of wisdom... be patient.... work slow... you have people who are rooting for you!! You will eventually show them how you are feeling about your recovery... give them time to evaluate you as a recovery addict, instead of an active addict...

receovery is #1!! People will see your efforts... and I agree with Val, go to Alateen meetings with her.. she may not want to go, but give it a try! Keep up your hard work!!