How do I deal with a 40 year old alcoholic son?

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Go with him to the first meeting!

He lives 100 miles away and I have suggested many times for him to go, but he won't

I am right now helping a family in the same situation as you are Carol..

The son lives not 100 miles,but 60 or so away.His constant problems and erratic behaviors were more than the parents could handle,alone!

They contacted me more than 6 months ago in an attempt to have ME intervene with his drinking.I could not.

There isNO HUMAN POWER capable of stopping a drinker if they don't want to stop.Short of jail,institutionalization or death,the alcoholic MUST WANT to quit on their own.

These are not just my words,these are the words of AA,NA,Alanon,etc.

A drinker has to reach a 'bottom' of sorts before the pain of drinking is revealed to them.

'Suggesting' doesn't make him WANT to do anything,it makes him aware that you are against his drinking,but other than that,they would now see it as you are a stress factor,a roadblock to their drinking.

I believe in this site:Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

It can show you the basics of how to set a healthy boundary against YOU being affected any further,you have suffered enough(you wouldn't have written in here otherwise)

Tough love,Do not enable,sometimes cutting ties,there are many ways to stop participating in their alcoholism.

It's HARD!It's been hard up to this point and it can be even harder yet.The ride hasn't stopped.

Alanon can be the best place for you to associate yourself with.A treatment center for alcoholism education for family members is also a good place to go.

Seek the help through the net, newspaper or phone numbers for AA in your area.

There are many here in AMHD who will assist you if you want.Write back with any questions,we will answer them if possible,advise as we can.

Thank you for your post. I will try to go to a meeting on Monday. I am my Mom's 40 year old alcoholic son. Good luck with yours.

if he doesn't want help, it isn't going to do a darn bit of good, been through it many times with my 40 year old.

I sympathize Carol, I have gone though this for years with my 40 year old son. Right now I am sitting here listing to him act like a raging maniac and didn't even know what he had done for the past two hours. He has gone to rehab 3 or 4 times in the past, even was sober for several years. Had a good job, was injured on the job, several months later lost his job (not due to alcohol) started drinking real bad again. I am at my wits end. If you find a solution, please let me know.

Good Luck, you really have to want to do it yourself, not just doing it for someone else. It's a start. Thanks.

Maybe it's time to try a different approach....

SMART Recovery for Family and Friends. Provides assistance and advice for family members or concerned others to engage treatment-refusing substance abusers into treatment. They use a system known as CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Training), a non-confrontational means of intervention. CRAFT is a scientifically based behavioral intervention, has shown some impressive results and provides much needed direction to people who feel they have no where to turn. This does not require the drinker to want treatment, otherwise there'd be no need for intervention, nor does it require waiting for a calamity to occur to scare them into treatment.

A brief description of CRAFT can be found here

SMART Recovery for Family and Friends website here

And a thorough review of CRAFT by Bill Miller (1999) if interested in some heavy reading is available here