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Hello I began dating a alcoholic back in August then in September he left for rehab and got help. Then a short month later he was back to the bottle again and some drugs off and on. Just recently in December he was arrested for his 5th DWI after stealing a family members car and being pulled over. He is now in jail for his several time. What my question is...am I crazy for staying with him? Right now I'm the only person he has other then his mother who lives long distance. His brother has disowned him as well as other family members. It breaks my heart to see him in jail especially after the holidays. He seems to really want help this time and is appling to get into as many rehab programs as possible. My friends and family think i should let him alone and deal with this alone. But I'm affraid if I do so he will lose all hope by me not being there for him.
On top of all this he is seeing the in house psycotrist trying to figure out what makes him this way. He is either bi-polar or borderline Schizophrenia should i walk away or be supportive of him and hope that this all changes or he gets the help he needs?
Jennifer,
I am married to a recovering drug attic. We have been together for nine years now and it definitly hasn't been easy. The biggest mistake that I did was enable him for the two years that he was on agin and off again using. He would stay out to all hours of the night getting high while I was home withour two young children having panic attacks because I didn't know where he was. But everytime he came home I would say "its okay I forgive you, It'll be okay Im here for you." Never occuring to me that what I was saying was giving him the green light to go out and use. All he heard was "she will always be here for me, no matter what ido, even use." That scenario would be perfect except that the person who must deal with their loved ones addiction gets the wrong end of the deal and become extremly hurt because you are unable to help this person. You and I are powerless againts these addictions and only the addict can help themselves. It took me going to NARANON(the equivalent to ALANON) to see what an enabler I was with my husband. The next time my husband used I took my two kids and stayed with my parents for a few days. My husband got so freaked out and realized that he could really loose me, he did a complete turm around and was diagnosed with a manic depressive disorder. his doctor put him on Zoloft and its been two and a half years since he last used. But it took me to say enough is enough before he even considered that he really had to take action and get help.
I know you want to be there for your boyfriend, I completely understand. But you want to make sure your not to readly available to him. If you want to continue this relationship(you obviously care for him) then be there for him. But don't constantly be there. He does need to do this on his own and for himself. While hes in rehab, don't call him every day, maybe ounce or twice a week to see how he's doing. You can't make him the primary focus of your life, he will pick up on it and if hes anything like my husband he will get use to knowing that you will always be around, even if his using directly effects you and it will. Just tell him that you love him and that you will support him. Hope it works out good luck sweetie!
P.S. Maybe you should look into going to ALANON meetings they can make a world of difference. Plus the support from other people who are going through the same thing would be very beneficial to you.
Hi, Jennifer,
I will not go into specifics with my answer, but if you would like more information, please send me a private message.
You have a choice to make, as you have asked what to do, about staying with an Alcoholic or not. I am hesitant to say this, but in all honesty, I would not continue my relationship with this man, as a "boyfriend".
The ONLY WAY this man is going to change is to make that decision himself. NOTHING you say or do is going to make up his mind for him....he has to decide for himself. If all the trouble he has been in hasn't changed his attitude somewhat, then you can't change it.
As another post said, PLEASE go to an Ala-Non meeting in your area. The meetings are free, and are for family, loved ones, friends, etc, of alcoholics and/or drug addicts. The first thing you will find out is that an alcoholic is not caused to drink by anyone; except him/herself. No one causes this, except the alcoholic.
You did not mention AA (Alcoholic Anonymous) Meetings. He should be going to AA meetins every night in his local area; if he is serious with himself about not drinking or drugging; just for today.
Go to an Ala-Non meeting, talk with others just like you; before you make a decision. I do wish you the best of luck. The others at the meeting will help you, tell their own stories, and from that, you will be much, much better in knowing what is really going on. It's the only decision you must make right now....whether to go to a meeting or not.
If I didn't know better, I would think you were my brother's girlfriend describing him to me. He died from drugs and alcohol last April. He was only 42 years old. If you can help your guy, do everything possible, if you can't, don't blame yourself. God Bless.
I don't think you should leave him on his own to deal with it nor do I think you should try to sort out his life for him you need to find a middle ground that works for you both...
I am speaking here as a retired Probation and Parole Officer specializing in drug addiction and alcoholism with many years of experience dealing with this disease.
I am very critical of the standard treatment modalities such as AA and other faith-based programs, including many so called ‘psychological’ programs, that exclude scientific method in understanding alcoholism and any other addiction..
You have only to study the recovery rates of the various treatment program to realize that alcoholism is virtually a treatment resistant disease. The success rate is in 10-15%.
The reason for this sorry state of affairs is that conventional treatments nearly always ignore the biochemical aspect of addiction. Most of the treatment models are hostile to any notion that alcoholism is NOT a MENTAL disorder. There is lot of vested self-interest in maintaining treatment facilities that will ignore the science behind addiction.
I have explained the biochemical nature of alcoholism is the article: Why alcoholics drink?.
Most conventional doctors are not familiar with this test. It is best to ask a CAM doctor or a health practitioner familiar Nutritional Medicine to carry out this test. There is also a paper-and-pencil test called the NIB. If you score high on this test you are likely to be hypoglycemic.
When you have an abnormal biochemistry it is natural that you will experience strange and unexplainable ‘psychological’ experiences that should NOT be confused with the CAUSES of alcoholism, as most ‘psychologically’ oriented therapists assume. The emotions are controlled by the body and not by the MIND. Hence alcoholics have no control over their mood swings.
Fortunately, most of our feel good neurotransmitters are produced from the foods we eat. For instance serotonin is produced from an amino acid called tryptophan.
The problem with alcoholics is, that they cannot produce the necessary energy from glucose to manufacture feel good neuro chemicals. This is due to Insulin Resistance, also called the hypoglycemic syndrome. Therefore, it is a nutritional disorder and so it is absolutely essential that alcoholics go on a Hypoglycemic Diet.
It may take a year before the body can rebuild natural receptors for neurotransmitters from a high protein diet. The best advice I can give you, is to tell your boyfriend that he contact a CAM doctor, familiar with Nutritional Medicine. He should be tested for hypoglycemic and put on the hypoglycemic diet if the test proves positive.
Whilst he is being treated for his physical condition he should also attend group sessions. He should undergo psychotherapy, to repair damage done to his personality as a result of a biochemical abnormality that may have dated back to his childhood. Psychotherapy or any talk therapy won't help if he continues to suffer from a metabolic disorder.
I strongly advise that you also study the self-help PSYCHOTHERAPY course at our web site. This will give you a means to understand what is going on with your boyfriend and how to help him and also give a clear indication as to what you want out of a relationship. It will help to set your boundaries to the relationship.
Please ask your boyfriend to discuss this with his Probation and Parole Officer, his doctors or other therapist familiar with Clinical Nutrition.
The first thing I can tell to you is to find an Al-anon meeting near you. You are going to need this. It has become my peace of mind. The second thing I can tell you is he will continue to drink until he is ready to stop. It is called hitting rock bottom, everyone’s is different. It is sad. There is nothing you can do to stop him. By saying you feel sorry for him is enabling him to continue. You are his enabler because you allow or put up with his behavior. Al-anon can help you with this, and let you know that you are not alone. When he gets out of the predicament he has place himself in, and you are going to pick him up make it clear that if you do pick him up you are dropping him off at an AA meeting.
I am living with my husband, he is a recovering alcoholic. This is a tern you will have to get used to you see they never get over this, they are always recovering. We have been together for 17 years and it is hard at times, but I did stay, because I remembered who he is and not what he had become. He is who he is. He is my recovering alcoholic and I love him, some days I wanted to choke him. As each anniversary passes for him it does get better, but he was not a first time winner he had many relapses before he got to this point. I go to many meetings with him, and he with me to Al-anon, and we also attend Na-anon for my daughter.
I dont know what to do!! my brother is a manic depressive alcoholic and he has three kids. He gets so mad whenever he drinks that he just yells at everyone in sight for no apparent reason. I know that alcoholism is a sickness and im trying everything in my power to help him out but im running out of ideas! He doesnt want any help, hes mean to everyone and his kids are somtimes scared of him b/c of the way he acts! Hes threatened the thought of suicide before but to be quite honest i dont think he could. I just wish there were some way i could help him but as a 16 yr old my options are limited! please email me back anybody i need help!!!!
I know you may feel obligated to help him out, and at times it may seem that no matter what you do it does not help. Well I think you might have heard this one before but if he really wanted the help, if he really thinks he needs help then he would start helping himself. Everything else obvously has not worked yet. It is too bad that his family has turned their back on them that does not help things eighter. Are you crazy NO. No you are not crazy to stay with him., you love him and that is why you are with him.
i am very interested in the replies as i an alcoholic,.,.
i go to aa a few tiems per week,.,.
i see so much alcohilics and i try and not to judge them but deep down i find it very difficult to belive that alchol is the problem with everyone. but i do know that going to aa for me has stopped me drinking for over 6 years now,.,.
its so complex area as some doctors know nothing about the problem,.
then psychairists and counsellers all seem to vary slightly in their views,..,but really its a bit of trial and error ,.as some people say here going to alonon may help but only you can decide or wise up to know when you are enabling or when you are been taken for an idiot,.,.mike
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