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    Mama4605's Avatar
    Mama4605 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 6, 2008, 09:45 AM
    How to tell my boyfriend his child may not be his
    Ok wow I really need some advice, And I really need to vent. I haven't been able to sleep because I have so much guilt and I never felt so low in my entire life.

    Okay I have a beautiful 3 month old baby. I got pregnant this time last year, Me and my boyfriend were having some issues as he was always a little abusive (calling me names and whatnot) At time time we both lived in Arizona so I decided to go back home to boston for a vaca, just for a week since it was spring break in college.. I got extremely wasted and ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend. I didn't take my birth control for a few days so I found out I was pregnant when I got back to Arizona. My boyfriend was very happy and scared. The thing is that we always had unprotected sex and he never got me pregnant for the whole 2 years, and now all of a sudden I end up pregnant.. hmm

    So I told the guy in Boston that it may be his and he was very shocked, but ended up saying he'd be there for me and him and he really wants to be a family and all this... so I continue going on not telling my current boyfriend it may not be his, I was so scared.. He really does scare me.. He has guns and if he found out it may not be his he probably would have freaked out on me and I didn't want to risk it being pregnant and living in a town that is legit 2 miles long..

    Going on..

    I told my boyfriend I wanted to move to Boston and I wasn't going to raise my kid in that little town so he picked up everything and moved here with me.. got an apartment and bought me a car.. the guilt continued but I tried to just think of my son and my health.. I didn't want to stress.. I finally gave birth to my son my boyfriend signed the birth certificate... and he came out looking somewhat like my ex.. he has his ears.. that's about it.. but EVERYONE says he looks like my current boyfriend..

    Anyway my ex will not pay for a paternity test he says I have to tell my boyfriend and have him take one, he doesn't want me having an easy way out I seen him yesterday and he said hed pay for the test and then I call him and he says forget it I changed my mind have your boyfriend take it...

    In my heart I believe this is my ex boyfriends kid but my question is.. How do I tell my boyfriend? I dug myself such a deep hole and now I have to tell him something that is not only going to break his heart but may be very bad in the end.. I do not want to get kicked out I have no family here they are all in Arizona.. If I get kicked out me and my son are homeless.. not to mention ill have no car.. and he mite hurt me

    So how do I tell him? Where and when? Eh help me please I am in serious need to help...
    nicki143's Avatar
    nicki143 Posts: 187, Reputation: 22
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    #2

    Mar 6, 2008, 10:13 AM
    Wow that is a really hard one to answer I think the only thing you can do there is be honest tell him the full story
    Marriedguy's Avatar
    Marriedguy Posts: 474, Reputation: 115
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    #3

    Mar 6, 2008, 10:55 AM
    OMG. Here is the thing I wouldn't tell him until you are sure it is not his child. There are companies that perform paternity test for a small fee. The company will send you a kit you send the samples back and they give you the results. These results will not hold up in court but they will be accurate enough to determine who is and who is not the father. I know this has to be hard. But try not worry until this at least has the result.

    https://www.gtldna.net/?src=google&g...FQQilwod9X3UwA

    If your current boyfriend is the father... take all this information to your grave. No good will come out of telling.

    This boyfriend of yours is stupid the first question you ask after you get back together is did you date or sleep with someone during the separation. With STD's running rampant it's the responsible thing to do. And I think you should have told him when he wanted to get back together. Listen; before we try to get back together I have to tell you something. During the separation I slept with so and so. It was nothing serious I was drunk and things got out of hand. If you still want to be with me find if you don't I understand.

    If he is not... you have to tell him.
    squeaks77's Avatar
    squeaks77 Posts: 113, Reputation: 19
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    #4

    Mar 6, 2008, 11:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mama4605
    Ok wow I really need some advice, And i really need to vent. I haven't been able to sleep because I have so much guilt and i never felt so low in my entire life.

    Okay I have a beautiful 3 month old baby. I got pregnant this time last year, Me and my boyfriend were having some issues as he was always a little abusive (calling me names and whatnot) At time time we both lived in Arizona so I decided to go back home to boston for a vaca, just for a week since it was spring break in college.. I got extrememly wasted and ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend. I didnt take my birth control for a few days so I found out I was pregnant when I got back to Arizona. My boyfriend was very happy and scared. The thing is that we always had unprotected sex and he never got me pregnant for the whole 2 years, and now all of a sudden i end up pregnant.. hmm

    So i told the guy in Boston that it may be his and he was very shocked, but ended up saying he'd be there for me and him and he really wants to be a family and all this ... so i continue going on not telling my current boyfriend it may not be his, I was so scared.. He really does scare me.. He has guns and if he found out it may not be his he probably would of freaked out on me and i didnt want to risk it being pregnant and living in a town that is legit 2 miles long..

    going on..

    I told my boyfriend I wanted to move to Boston and i wasnt going to raise my kid in that little town so he picked up everything and moved here with me.. got an apartment and bought me a car.. the guilt continued but i tried to just think of my son and my health.. i didnt want to stress.. i finally gave birth to my son my boyfriend signed the birth certificate...and he came out looking somewhat like my ex.. he has his ears.. thats about it.. but EVERYONE says he looks like my current boyfriend..

    anyways my ex will not pay for a paternity test he says i have to tell my boyfriend and have him take one, he doesnt want me having an easy way out I seen him yesterday and he said hed pay for the test and then i call him and he says forget it i changed my mind have ur boyfriend take it....

    In my heart I believe this is my ex boyfriends kid but my question is.. How do I tell my boyfriend? I dug myself such a deep hole and now I have to tell him something that is not only gonna break his heart but may be very bad in the end.. I do not want to get kicked out i have no family here they are all in arizona.. If i get kicked out me and my son are homeless.. not to mention ill have no car.. and he mite hurt me

    so how do i tell him? where and when? eh help me please i am in serious need to help...
    You should tell him immediately! How would you feel if he told you he knew he had a child with another woman about a year ago and kept it secret from you? A life built on lies atop of lies will fall over in a HUGE mess.
    Marriedguy's Avatar
    Marriedguy Posts: 474, Reputation: 115
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    #5

    Mar 6, 2008, 12:34 PM
    Two cotton swabs... What do you mean the other boyfriend doesn't want to take one. What is he an idiot if he is the father he then owes child support. I thought you said he didn't want to paid for it. You are going to pay for it.
    bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE's Avatar
    bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE Posts: 1,051, Reputation: 112
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    #6

    Mar 6, 2008, 01:01 PM
    You shouldn't be with someone that you are scared of.

    Here's an idea...

    Invite a friend over with you. Sit your boyfriend down and tell him the truth. If he gets physical, at least you will have your friend there to back you up (like calling the police and such).
    Lowtax4eva's Avatar
    Lowtax4eva Posts: 2,467, Reputation: 190
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    #7

    Mar 6, 2008, 02:12 PM
    I was trying to type more in the agree post but hit enter by mistake... I was going to add that I bet this is one reason some people want to reveal secrets like this on TV shows... that or they are paid actors... its hard to say
    cdad's Avatar
    cdad Posts: 12,700, Reputation: 1438
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    #8

    Mar 6, 2008, 02:25 PM
    Another thing you might try and it may help the whole situation is find out if you can use hair or something else to gather the DNA from. I know it sounds odd but if you get the DNA test done yourself and use some of his hair from a comb or brush that may tell you if he is or isn't for sure. The results would tell you how to precede. If he is prone to violence then do you really want to be around him with your child anyway ? But at least you would have 1/2 the baby question answered. And since you put it in there Girls Gone Wild looks glamorous on tape but it really can ruin lives so please don't ever get that way because you have another life that depends on you and your judgement.
    bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE's Avatar
    bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE Posts: 1,051, Reputation: 112
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    #9

    Mar 6, 2008, 02:29 PM
    Girls gone wild? Huh?

    What do you mean?
    ISneezeFunny's Avatar
    ISneezeFunny Posts: 4,175, Reputation: 821
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    #10

    Mar 6, 2008, 02:37 PM
    From the way your current boyfriend is acting... (picked up and moved for you... bought you a car)... it seems like he cares for you and for "his" child.

    You HAVE to come clean... and tell him. As far as your life being threatened, is it possible to have a family member there with you while you tell him the truth? Perhaps a really close friend? I know it's not the best thing to do (have someone there) while you're telling him all this, but if you're afraid for your life...
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #11

    Mar 6, 2008, 02:49 PM
    <2 threads merged>
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #12

    Mar 6, 2008, 02:53 PM
    Do a home DNA test if you want, you should be able to even "sneak" it and no one will know you did it, Then when you know for sure and know if you "HAVE" to tell him, or just should tell him.
    pnkgrl789's Avatar
    pnkgrl789 Posts: 2, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    Mar 10, 2008, 07:06 AM
    Ok what you should do is figure out the time you got pregnant to the time you gave birth... If u gave birth 40 weeks from the time you slept with your ex it may be his... Normally you can only be pregnant for 42 weeks but most people don't go that long they go between 38-40wks... Also you should try and get a sample of his saliva or a piece of his hair something and get a home test kit before you jump the gun... But also keep in mind its not fair to your baby to grow up thinking some-1 is his father who really is not... He may have a lot of resentment towards you when he's older... Just remember the longer you wait the more painful it will be to all 3 of u... U don't want your baby to get attached to your b/f if he's not the father!! Good luck
    ANN1234's Avatar
    ANN1234 Posts: 4, Reputation: -3
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    #14

    Mar 10, 2008, 08:32 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mama4605
    Ok wow I really need some advice, And i really need to vent. I haven't been able to sleep because I have so much guilt and i never felt so low in my entire life.

    Okay I have a beautiful 3 month old baby. I got pregnant this time last year, Me and my boyfriend were having some issues as he was always a little abusive (calling me names and whatnot) At time time we both lived in Arizona so I decided to go back home to boston for a vaca, just for a week since it was spring break in college.. I got extrememly wasted and ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend. I didnt take my birth control for a few days so I found out I was pregnant when I got back to Arizona. My boyfriend was very happy and scared. The thing is that we always had unprotected sex and he never got me pregnant for the whole 2 years, and now all of a sudden i end up pregnant.. hmm

    So i told the guy in Boston that it may be his and he was very shocked, but ended up saying he'd be there for me and him and he really wants to be a family and all this ... so i continue going on not telling my current boyfriend it may not be his, I was so scared.. He really does scare me.. He has guns and if he found out it may not be his he probably would of freaked out on me and i didnt want to risk it being pregnant and living in a town that is legit 2 miles long..

    going on..

    I told my boyfriend I wanted to move to Boston and i wasnt going to raise my kid in that little town so he picked up everything and moved here with me.. got an apartment and bought me a car.. the guilt continued but i tried to just think of my son and my health.. i didnt want to stress.. i finally gave birth to my son my boyfriend signed the birth certificate...and he came out looking somewhat like my ex.. he has his ears.. thats about it.. but EVERYONE says he looks like my current boyfriend..

    anyways my ex will not pay for a paternity test he says i have to tell my boyfriend and have him take one, he doesnt want me having an easy way out I seen him yesterday and he said hed pay for the test and then i call him and he says forget it i changed my mind have ur boyfriend take it....

    In my heart I believe this is my ex boyfriends kid but my question is.. How do I tell my boyfriend? I dug myself such a deep hole and now I have to tell him something that is not only gonna break his heart but may be very bad in the end.. I do not want to get kicked out i have no family here they are all in arizona.. If i get kicked out me and my son are homeless.. not to mention ill have no car.. and he mite hurt me

    so how do i tell him? where and when? eh help me please i am in serious need to help...
    Wow what a story hmm
    Do what ur heart tells u its better to tell the truth than to live in fear
    Do what u think is right im 22 female and if i was you i would just forget what people say.it's ur life.ur ex seems like a horrrrrible guy he might hurt u in the future.stick to one thought and do it if you want this guy then tell him that's his kid and ur good, i had an abortion and my fiancé doesn't know about this till this day and it happened on christmas day and i;m not planninng to tell him it woould destroy everything we'd been together for eight years now(i;m 22) and i don't want to kill it all.i'm studying at john jay college to become a lawyer and i could not let it happen, tell him or forget it, i wouldn't bother stick to where the real feeling is the ex would definitely not be my choice.good that u had the kid i do appreciate u for that i'm wealthy and all and want to have akid in the future it's that kid before marriage in my family is viewed as the girl is bad and i could not allo that embarrassment to take pplace.i guessed tell him the truth although i'm almost getting over my guil.gone with the wind
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #15

    Mar 10, 2008, 08:43 AM
    Ann1234 - Please do not use text speak and all caps on this site, it makes your post hard to read and many people will just pass it by without even trying. Thank you.
    xxtwincambabyxx's Avatar
    xxtwincambabyxx Posts: 27, Reputation: 4
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    #16

    Mar 10, 2008, 08:46 AM
    First talk to someone that is close to u that you can trust may it be a relation mam dad brother.. etc,and let them be near to you wile you tell your boyfriend so you will no you willb safe,but at least you no your ex will still be there for you if it is his! And even if it is your ex's its up to you who you want to be with and who will be best for the chid and it will be scary telling your boyfriend but it's the only way you can put it out of your mind to rest and it will sort everything out itself it may take time but you have to think of the child and it will always be on your mind so it will be better if you tell him sooner rather than later

    Hope all works out the best for you and your child
    Marriedguy's Avatar
    Marriedguy Posts: 474, Reputation: 115
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    #17

    Mar 10, 2008, 11:52 AM
    First, let me go on record and say she should have been completely honest with her boyfriend from the very beginning and told him when she discover that she was pregnant that it was a possibility that the child would not be his. She can't reverse the clock and fix this. I'm not justifying this woman actions but I understand where is coming from. She thought about telling him and thought to herself if I tell him he will leave me, or in this case her even hurt her.

    I would not suggest/advise any person be with someone they felt would hurt them physically and/or emotionally.

    The first thing this woman needs to do is find out who is the father.

    If the child belongs to her current boyfriend then she faced with other issue. That issue is whether she should tell her boyfriend she had sex with her ex-boyfriend when they were separated.

    If this child is not the current boyfriend under any circumstances she should not tell him. He would be unknowingly taken care of a child that is not his. In this country there were and still is huge number of men paying child support for children that don't belong to them. Now, states test the paternity of the father before they issue child support order. When paternity is disestablished for these men they don't get a refund. And heaven forbid this child get hurts and they need a donator and they check the father and he is not even close to a match. Then what?

    @ Ann1234, I'm pro-choice. Its woman's right. When you discovered that you were pregnant I think your boyfriend had the right to know. When you told him that this wasn't the best time in your lives to have this child, he had every right to disagree or agree. If this man is someone that you want to spend your life with you should have been honest. That decision to hide it will haunt you and if he finds out he will leave you. Not because of the abortion because you hid something so important from him. If you can hide this what else could you hide?
    conscious's Avatar
    conscious Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Mar 16, 2008, 06:28 PM
    I live in New York and I work at a riteaid pharmacy.there is a new home dna test for about $25.pick one up, test your ex and get a quick result.if its not his you can take it to your grave.if it is,then you have some explaining to do & as the others said have someone there with you(not necessarily in the same room,but at least in the house).
    inthemiddle12's Avatar
    inthemiddle12 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Jun 4, 2008, 07:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mama4605
    Ok wow I really need some advice, And i really need to vent. I haven't been able to sleep because I have so much guilt and i never felt so low in my entire life.

    Okay I have a beautiful 3 month old baby. I got pregnant this time last year, Me and my boyfriend were having some issues as he was always a little abusive (calling me names and whatnot) At time time we both lived in Arizona so I decided to go back home to boston for a vaca, just for a week since it was spring break in college.. I got extrememly wasted and ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend. I didnt take my birth control for a few days so I found out I was pregnant when I got back to Arizona. My boyfriend was very happy and scared. The thing is that we always had unprotected sex and he never got me pregnant for the whole 2 years, and now all of a sudden i end up pregnant.. hmm

    So i told the guy in Boston that it may be his and he was very shocked, but ended up saying he'd be there for me and him and he really wants to be a family and all this ... so i continue going on not telling my current boyfriend it may not be his, I was so scared.. He really does scare me.. He has guns and if he found out it may not be his he probably would of freaked out on me and i didnt want to risk it being pregnant and living in a town that is legit 2 miles long..

    going on..

    I told my boyfriend I wanted to move to Boston and i wasnt going to raise my kid in that little town so he picked up everything and moved here with me.. got an apartment and bought me a car.. the guilt continued but i tried to just think of my son and my health.. i didnt want to stress.. i finally gave birth to my son my boyfriend signed the birth certificate...and he came out looking somewhat like my ex.. he has his ears.. thats about it.. but EVERYONE says he looks like my current boyfriend..

    anyways my ex will not pay for a paternity test he says i have to tell my boyfriend and have him take one, he doesnt want me having an easy way out I seen him yesterday and he said hed pay for the test and then i call him and he says forget it i changed my mind have ur boyfriend take it....

    In my heart I believe this is my ex boyfriends kid but my question is.. How do I tell my boyfriend? I dug myself such a deep hole and now I have to tell him something that is not only gonna break his heart but may be very bad in the end.. I do not want to get kicked out i have no family here they are all in arizona.. If i get kicked out me and my son are homeless.. not to mention ill have no car.. and he mite hurt me

    so how do i tell him? where and when? eh help me please i am in serious need to help...
    The truth will set you free. You should have told this man the truth from the beginning. You are playing with other people's lives right now. You have this man thinking a child is his that possibly isn't. That is major. I went through this situation with my boyfriend at the time and now my husband. At the time, he thought he was the father to a 3 year old girl. The mother didn't want the child around me and decided to take him out for child support. Long story short - he decided to file for custody because she wouldn't let him see her but was getting close to $500 a month. The court ordered a DNA test and it came back that she wasn't his. It is upsetting and very difficult to deal with now 4 years later. You must understand that other family members are involved or not - if you have the wrong man playing the role as dad. And I don't understand why you even continued to stay in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive and potentially physically abusive to you? You really need to at least rule out whether this ex is the father before you spill the beans to your current that you cheated. At least if you know the ex is or isn't, you will know how to approach the current. I feel like you just need to think about someone other than yourself at this point. Everything has been about you and what you stand to loose. Think about these men and this child you have brought into this world. Doesn't the baby deserve to know who it's real daddy is?

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