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    Ruthtuck2's Avatar
    Ruthtuck2 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 12, 2008, 04:59 PM
    Wife suffering with husbands porn addiction
    My husband looks at porn and it makes me feel very insecure and he knows this and
    He keeps on doing it I have sex with him regularly and he still looks at it.for example,we had sex all weekend and while I was at work he was looking at porn and if the children are home and they see this(it is not a good thing)i just feel so hurt and angry but he says he loves me and it has nothing to do with me.I just need some advice please!
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #2

    Feb 12, 2008, 05:35 PM
    (Question moved from Introductions to more appropriate topic area in order to get more exposure to those who best able to give advice.)
    450donn's Avatar
    450donn Posts: 1,821, Reputation: 239
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    #3

    Feb 26, 2008, 09:17 AM
    Porn is an addiction just like booze or drugs. He must first face the addiction and want to deal with it. If not, you have few choices left to you. None of which are good, but might force him to deal with his addiction.
    lozzerbristow's Avatar
    lozzerbristow Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Aug 8, 2010, 12:50 AM
    Hallo
    Often internet porn use can become uncontrollable with the user becoming unable to stop their use
    this isbecause of the anonymity, affordability and accesibility of internet porn.
    Sometimes there are underlying reasons for this such as work stress or low mood or unresolved issues in the relationship which when resolved can make the use of porn less important to the user.
    Though sometimes it is the case that internet itself just provides so many different images and porn 'subjects'/fantasy worlds that the user finds that they are quickly becoming desensitised and require more and stronger intewnsity of sexual imagery to get the same 'high' - also that their sexual preferences or triggers that arouse them change; i.e. prefers group sex fantasy scenarios or other strong subjects. If this leads to difficulties in the user becoming aroused with you the partner, and your relationship suffers then this is obviously upsetting and time to address the problems head-on is better than burying one's head in the sand. There is also a danger that one of your children will access the material that he is using and this material is (in my opinion) very damaging to young minds not emotionally equipped to deal with this - as Im sure we are both in agreement with, so it can be good to discuss setting some safety limits of when he uses/for how long (time-limited) and what content is stored and how on the computer. Often the use will be sahmed to talk, this is something which only the user can decide when to talk - but in general it is very healthy to have no secrets, not healthy to have secrets from one another, as it generates distrust and hurt in the partner and often anger when the user is 'discovered' using.
    If he is unable to set these safety limits then this rings alarm bells about possible addiction.
    If addicted he is not alone, and he needs to go and get therapist help, try psychosexual therapy.
    Redaing the books of Patrick Carnes is an excellent start (Copy and paste): http://www.amazon.co.uk/Shadows-Net-Breaking-Compulsive-Behavior/dp/1592854788/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1281253629&sr=1-3
    Other things that can ameliorate any possible addiction are spending quality time together developing and strengthening the emotional bond, walks, time out, massage with and without sex, exchanges of affection such as gifts between you. These are important counters to the imbalance porn has on the sex drive, and increase warmth and love.
    I really hope this information is of use.
    Best wishes
    Laurence
    lozzerbristow's Avatar
    lozzerbristow Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 8, 2010, 01:02 AM

    Also, how his porn use is affecting your feelings of being attractive and satisfying to your partner is of prime importance. Is it affecting your self-esteem? It can be really useful to talk to someone, a trusted friend, a church minister, on a phoneline such as to the samaritans (you may be surprised at the shared responses you get from your freinds) or Relate counselling service if you are in the UK, maybe another similar if you are the US.
    It is often the case that when the user is getting addicted they numb out to the effects on their partner, because they are interested in getting the high from porn and the user can often fool themselves into minimising the effects of their use, while around them their relationships are deteriorating. The damage occurs because of the secrecy porn use requires and the effect on the partners self-image. I urge you to look after yourself.
    ummed's Avatar
    ummed Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Aug 8, 2010, 04:00 AM

    I can understand... my husband also watches these movies but he never feels ashamed and never takes interest in me...
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #7

    Aug 9, 2010, 12:05 AM

    Just realized this question goes back to February of 2008.

    OP has not returned.
    lozzerbristow's Avatar
    lozzerbristow Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Aug 9, 2010, 02:33 AM
    Ummed
    As with the lady above, I urge you to seek emotional support, someone to talk to... best wishes
    DrBill100's Avatar
    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #9

    Aug 9, 2010, 10:07 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by 450donn View Post
    Porn is an addiction just like booze or drugs. He must first face the addiction and want to deal with it. If not, you have few choices left to you. None of which are good, but might force him to deal with his addiction.
    Are you using addiction in the term of a repetitive behavior (personal habit) or in the sense of a neurocognitive alteration with pathophysiologic disordering (as with booze or drugs)?

    When observing one that views pornography on a regular basis how would I distinguish between someone who is willingly and knowingly engaging in a socially unacceptable practice with blatant disregard for the feelings of others (a bad actor)-as opposed to one suffering loss of control, physical dependence, and apprehension-avoidance of withdrawal (the benchmarks of addiction to chemicals)?

    I wonder if socially we are not rendering a disservice to those with definable and treatable addictions by expanding diagnostic categories to include an every increasing number of misbehaviors of personal choice under the rubric of disease.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #10

    Aug 9, 2010, 10:42 AM
    That's a good point Dr. Bill. The same sort of theory could hold true for the over-use and misuse of the word 'disease'.

    If the behaviour, in this case, porn, is being used to such an extent that lives are being negatively affected by it, consequences are severe, normal day to day functioning is impaired, and self control is either non-existant, or not used, I would say that is an addiction.

    We can split hairs till the cows come home, but, whether it be a physical, brain impairment, or a psycho-social based 'bad habit', if the party is unable or unwilling to change the behaviour, or address the consequences in any way, then to me, it is an addiction.

    Perhaps the addiction is in the behaviour, the porn is just a symptom. Or perhaps it is neurologically based, who knows. Maybe some day a brain analysis or DNA genome will be discovered in particular brains that says this person will develop an addiction- but cannot say, which addiction.

    As long as he chooses to repetatively engage in behaviour that causes serious problems in his life and his relationships, what matters more maybe is not the term we use to define it, but how we treat it.

    Would you, just out of curiosity, offer treatment along CBT type therapies, as you would with other types of addictions?

    p.s. I think you are a great thinker, and I'm interested in hearing more of your thoughts on this.
    DrBill100's Avatar
    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #11

    Aug 9, 2010, 12:07 PM

    Jake,

    We are running pretty close to accord. I have serious reservations about labeling psychiatric disorders of all types.

    So correction should be the goal and what we call it isn't important unless there is a clearly defined syndrome that will lead us to standardization of treatment. But that's not what we're handed.

    Unfortunately, as you are probably aware, so many psychiatric (so called) conditions have overlapping symptoms (actually behaviors), no physical benchmark for confirmation and are mostly dependent on patient report.
    There are no signs, as in physical medicine. Rendering differential diagnosis largely guesswork.

    If we as clinicians, researchers, the field en bloc are going to apply a medical model to addiction we must be creating a clear and precise framework that is used to test the condition. We must not keep expanding and building on to the framework in order to welcome-in various behaviors that may cast a shadow reminding us of something else. If there is going to be a medical model, or any helpful model, then it must be based on confirmed scientific standards and not social analogies. Every time I hear of another socially deprized behavior being summarily proclaimed an addiction my associative cortex goes into spasm.

    As relates to CBT, I see it as a functional process. I'm intrigued by it's usefulness to help almost anyone (and I grew up in the atmosphere of Freudian influenced psychodynamics). 7-year non-directional therapies for patients that would have recovered in 6 months spontaneously in many cases. CBT, as I understand it, is directional, goal oriented, provides assistance and then gets out of the way to allow the patient to take over. That's just great for the majority of cases which are social-functional-behavioral disorders as opposed to truly pathological at base.

    That being said, I believe that the strongest indicator of a successful therapy is and always has been the patient/therapist relationship.

    I agree by the way that it shouldn't be important what we call a behavior, but it has been made important. So a label of addiction invokes an imagery and associated expectations. I never treated along those lines and I make a distinction, as I see you do. The patient and family don't have the background for that type discrimination.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #12

    Aug 9, 2010, 12:49 PM
    Dr. Bill, I could learn so much from you. I'm right in that boat with you about overworked phrases, and diagnostic tools with ticky boxes. I've had little faith and even more in recent years with no two psychiatrists coming to the same diagnoses, despite how many DSM's out there now? Not even in the ballpark, and as you said, dual diagnosis is far more common in my opinion too, but, requires skill and talent and creativity to enter that arena. Sadly lacking in what I've seen in my years.

    Anyway, keep up the good work. I am a big fan of CBT, and have seen it work miracles, simply because it is common sense at its best.

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