Hi everyone, I'm very new to this site. My boyfriend of 1 year is truly an amazing person... when he's not drunk. He is the classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Alcoholic that many of you describe here. He has anxiety issues since he grew up with an abusive father and after an explosive, violent situation with his dad about 7 years ago (if you really want to know, I'll tell you privately), the issues have only gotten much much worse. In order to escape his anxiety, he drinks.
When he's sober he's very loving, funny, witty, and smart; I thought he was the "one" and that we were going to be married. That is, until recently when I've finally come to terms with the fact that he has a problem with alcohol.
When he's drunk, he's very rude to me (verbally abusive) and there have been a few times that I really thought he was going to hit me, although he never has. It's to the point now where I pretend everything is OK when he's drunk because I am afraid to upset him or make him angry.
I'm still in the stage of blaming myself ("if only I were a better person, he'd realize how wonderful I am and quit drinking", etc.), although I KNOW I can't help him and it's my (our) best interest if I leave him. Are there any outreach groups besides al-anon that I might try to join? I am not religious and I am not seeking a group that is religious either.

Sorry to be so long-winded... I think I'm making the right decision, but it still feels wrong.

There are many different kinds of 12 Step Programs... perhaps you can find one that fits your personal situation in a community near you.

Better you have four months of grieving over this lost relationship than have a lifetime of misery.

Best wishes to you in 2008,

I suppose the real question I meant to ask is this: What kinds of things do I say to him when I'm breaking up with him? He's very good at making me feel stupid for questioning his drinking. He doesn't think he has a problem. I'll give him a reason why I don't like it, and then he gives me a reason why it shouldn't bother me... and it shuts me down. I don't know how to respond. "It just bothers me" isn't a good enough answer for him.

Tell him that you love him but you just can't emotionally, mentally or physically deal with his drunkenness.
That you want to be there for him but you just can't handle it anymore.

Please do not marry this boy. (Try not to pick a different version of him and marry that one either) I know what I am talking about from both sides. It will be much easier for you to leave now and life will not get better no matter what you do. It is hard. I do know and I am so sorry for your pain. This guy is broken. I picked and eventually married broken boys too. Your life will be hard if you don't let him go.

Look in your area and see what programs are available, phone book, on line... just about everywhere now a days has help for people in your situation. It's really up to him, and unless he want to change, you may be wasting your time, which I know you don't want tpo hear, but if you feel even a little unsure that he may hurt you, that's a red flag just waving at you. I would have to ask you to dig deep and make a hard decision, from my experince they just don't change, I hope you'll move on, there are so many worthwhile men waiting for good women, don't try to fix him, he has to fix himself. I've been there and done that and it never worked! Wish the best for you!