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    curlyhair's Avatar
    curlyhair Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 13, 2008, 01:06 AM
    teen daughter hits me
    My 13-year-old daughter is as tall as me and weighs the same as me. If I say something she doesn't like (usually about food - she constantly eats and now weighs about 150lbs) she reacts violently, hitting me, kicking me and screaming abuse ("you're a fat ugly pig, you're disgusting, everyone hates you" etc).
    I am 51, watch my weight, try to exercise, work full-time, try and encourage her. She is failing at school - lack of motivation, unprepared, disorganised - her report says. She is popular and pretty. She is great with her many friends but can be terribly aggressive towards me.
    I understand she is hormonal etc. The food thing is usually about the fact that she has been eating almost constantly before dinner then won't eat her dinner. I only buy healthy things but she will make up pancakes smothered in butter than eat more with more butter.
    I worry about her weight. She constantly asks me if she is fat and I say = more often than not- no, but if I say well you are on your way, she goes beserk.
    She says I'm ruining her self-esteem, but being kicked, punched and abused isn't doing much for mine!
    I guess I'm asking what to do about the kicking and hitting. How do I try and stop it? I can't physically stop her - she's too strong. But I feel abused and helpless. What to do?
    pices1's Avatar
    pices1 Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #2

    Jan 18, 2008, 08:45 AM
    I'm so sorry,that makes me mad.I have a son-8mon ,daughter-6,and 2 step daughters that are 13 and 15,my 6yearold seems to eat all day to.I tell her how bad it is.so I stop buying the snacks and only what we cook we eat.when I here about kids putting there hands on parents.it hurts me.parents should not have to be afraid of there kids.please don't let her get away with that.she could hurt you.and abuseive people get worse if you allow it.your her mother.
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
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    #3

    Jan 18, 2008, 09:53 AM
    Wow. It sounds like your daughter has some serious anger issues. That is uncalled for - and I agree with pices1 - no child should ever hit their Mother. I think you need to seriously consider some kind of counseling. I am normally not a supporter of counseling or shrinks, but really, this is a case in which I think you may need some outside help. Or, maybe a pastor or minister... something, someone.

    Protect yourself... even from your child.

    Good luck - keep us posted. :)
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #4

    Jan 18, 2008, 09:59 AM
    Not acceptable.

    She's your child. You love her. But this isn't OK.

    She needs counseling. If she persists in hitting you, id call the police. Like it or not, she needs to understand the consequences of this behavior. I know of a person who was just tried and found guilty of harassment for verbally and physically threatening her landlord. Don't know what the sentence will be, but one day of extreme aggression toward another is all it took for her to get charged and found guilty by a jury.

    Not a time to be a friend. She needs help mentally. And if she continues to abuse you, she needs to know there are consequences that are serious.
    Bluerose's Avatar
    Bluerose Posts: 1,521, Reputation: 310
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    #5

    Jan 18, 2008, 10:20 AM
    curlyhair,

    I agree with the others. She may be hormonal but she should not be hitting her mother. Bring into the house only those things you want her to eat, no snack stuff. It could be to do with what she is eating that is making her so aggressive, too much sugar perhaps. I agree with the above post, if you can't handle her outbursts call the police. Do that a few times and she will think twice about hitting you. If it goes on, personally I would point out to her that you could have her sectioned because she is becoming very violent. No messing. If you have a thirteen your old knocking you around do something about it. Imagine what she would be like at sixteen or eighteen. Imagine what she would be like towards you when you are going on sixty. You don't need that crap, and I'm sure you don't deserve it.
    silent sneaker's Avatar
    silent sneaker Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Jan 18, 2008, 10:43 AM
    Hi my name is marshall I'm from england and I am 21 yrs old. I noticed that, as you say ,your daughter has been verbally kicking and punching you also abusing you. That is quite shocking indeed , here are some few tips:First of all spend time with her,secondly control her with her homework , thirdly act calmly towards her , fourthly, tell happy times when she was young and your glad and proud that she is your beloved daughter.Lastly give her treatments if she does what you ask then give her tickets to cinema and visits to friends and sleep overs and camping , etc.

    THANK YOU
    Truly yours
    Marshall stevens
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #7

    Jan 18, 2008, 12:52 PM
    She sounds like she is miserable with herself and taking it out on you.
    From now on when she asks you questions like if you think she is fat
    Ask her why does she even bother asking questions like that when she
    Only wants to hear what she wants to hear. She may kick and punch you anyway but eventually you should get your point across or she should at least get tired of asking when she sees you will not answer.
    You need to get a counselor to 'referee' so that she learns how to properly talk to you.
    You need to get her to realize that she can't treat you right only when she wants something.
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #8

    Jan 18, 2008, 12:59 PM
    Call the police on her when she hits,kicks, pushes you or tears up your house. Let her know that there are laws even for a 13 year old.
    If she doesn't like the inside of a police car or station maybe she will get the hint that this is no way to communicate with her mom.
    When she ask you if she is fat turn the question around and ask her How shje feels about her size aske her if ahe is OK with her weight? Don't give her an answer... I think she is using that to lash out at you.
    Let her know before hand that you are going to do this the next time she wants to get physical. Then do it.
    peggyhill's Avatar
    peggyhill Posts: 907, Reputation: 150
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    #9

    Jan 18, 2008, 01:37 PM
    Please seek help for her. I think a good place to start would be the doctor's office. He can help determine what is wrong, what might help, and give you a referral to a counselor.

    Your daughter obviously has some issues with her weight. Of course that does not, in any way, excuse her behavior. But it seems that any mention of what she is eating is the 'trigger' which sets her off. I think a counselor can help her with her self-image issues. Just try to buy really healthy foods, cook low-fat meals. Explain to her that the reason you are asked her to save her appetite for dinner is NOT because you think she is ugly or fat, but because you want her to be healthy and get all the nutrition and vitamins that she needs, especially at her age.

    Tell her that since she is worried, in addition to the counselor, you will visit a nutritionist. They can help her set up an eating plan with foods she likes that are good for her.

    If she doesn't get help for this now, she might develop anorexia or bulimia. She also may have depression or a similar problem. Sit her down and explain that you are going to help her get through this. Tell her that you love her, but things are going to change. Tell her that the next time she hits you, you will call the police. If she does, be prepared to follow through. I know that seems mean and extreme, but it's better for her to learn now than later. If you let it continue, she will grow up and may go off and hit someone and go to jail as an adult, not to mention hurt herself and you.

    Hormones may make us girls a little moody or emotional sometimes, but they aren't an excuse to hit and be abusive. She is abusing you and she needs to stop before the pattern continues. Otherwise she may abuse her children, husband, or herself someday.

    Good luck! She will thank you for your patience and love someday when she looks back on this time.
    curlyhair's Avatar
    curlyhair Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jan 18, 2008, 03:20 PM
    Thank you to everyone who posted answers. They are all of enormous help and assistance to me.
    This is the first time I've posted to a forum of any kind, and the thoughtful, articulate and brutally honest replies surprised and touched me.
    I love the honesty allowed by anonymity. None of my friends or family (if I confided in them about this - too hard and you don't want your daughter judged for eternity) - would ever be as honest and, therefore, as helpful.
    qsandas's Avatar
    qsandas Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Jan 18, 2008, 03:47 PM
    Hi CurlyHair, I am a 14 year old girl and from your question I believe that your daughter may have more problems than you think. I'm not excusing her aggressive and outrageous behavior but maybe she is hiding problems from you, she may be popular but she could still feel lonely. I feel that you are trying your hardest and you have been very patient, well done.
    Have you explained to her how dangerous overeating can be and how it can affect your physical limits?
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
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    #12

    Jan 18, 2008, 03:48 PM
    Wow! I know this goes on all over the world, but it seems more personal here on this site. Closer to home.

    I agree with the posters who have suggested that you call the police. Unfortunately, the more you ignore her behavior, the worse it will get. The eating disorder is certainly not the root of the problem and it's not a disease, unless you consider lack of morals, respect and character a disease. If you're a believer in God, I highly suggest you take this to your pastor. Get her involved in church functions with kids her own age. Try and surround her with people who have Godly influences. I'm sure she knows what she does is not only unacceptable, but it's a sin, and if she doesn't know it, she should. God loves us so much and forgives us repeatedly and shows us grace. We must do the same for our kids, but that doesn't mean we allow them to lay a finger on us or disrespect or dishonor us. God has a way of transforming us like nothing else. Trust him.

    If you keep this a secret from your family, you're not doing her any favors. They need to know what's going on in order to support you. Tragically, they should know what's going in just in case the unthinkable happens and she carries her abuse too far. Keeping it a secret doesn't assure her dignity, it just hides it, which she is very happy with. What's the worse that could happen if they knew, she would be shamed! She should be. If it is one of the steps taken to give her attitude a re-adjustment, then the embarrassment was well worth it, don't you think? If she realizes the degree of wrong she's doing, and it causes her to become remorseful and repentant and she changes, than your family will have no choice but to acknowledge her change. Sure, hormones come into play, but with a proper diet, hormones can also be adjusted.

    Are you married, and if so, what does your husband have to say about it?
    Bluerose's Avatar
    Bluerose Posts: 1,521, Reputation: 310
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    #13

    Jan 18, 2008, 08:58 PM
    curlyhair,

    "thanks for the excellent advice, although I really didn't need to picture myself at 60...lol.."

    lol! Yeah, sorry about that. I just wanted you to realise that as she gets older she gets stronger and you don't. I think qsandas made a good point. Lets face it they don't tell us everything. Something must be bothering her. I hope it all sorts itself out soon. Take care.
    v_e's Avatar
    v_e Posts: 10, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Jan 18, 2008, 09:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by curlyhair
    My 13-year-old daughter is as tall as me and weighs the same as me. If I say something she doesn't like (usually about food - she constantly eats and now weighs about 150lbs) she reacts violently, hitting me, kicking me and screaming abuse ("you're a fat ugly pig, you're disgusting, everyone hates you" etc).
    I am 51, watch my weight, try to exercise, work full-time, try and encourage her. She is failing at school - lack of motivation, unprepared, disorganised - her report says. She is popular and pretty. She is great with her many friends but can be terribly aggressive towards me.
    I understand she is hormonal etc. The food thing is usually about the fact that she has been eating almost constantly before dinner then won't eat her dinner. I only buy healthy things but she will make up pancakes smothered in butter than eat more with more butter.
    I worry about her weight. She constantly asks me if she is fat and I say = more often than not- no, but if I say well you are on your way, she goes beserk.
    She says I'm ruining her self-esteem, but being kicked, punched and abused isn't doing much for mine!
    I guess I'm asking what to do about the kicking and hitting. How do I try and stop it? I can't physically stop her - she's too strong. But I feel abused and helpless. What to do?
    If this is a dramatic change in behavior, you might be facing something more serious. The very first thing you need to do is get a counselor involved. Go to her school, and get guidance from her school counselor ASAP! They will be able to direct you to an appropriate Psychiatrist or Psychologist. They might be able to recommend someone to provide support for free. She might be facing a dramatic change in charter because she has experience an abuse by someone. A dramatic change such as this is not usually due to hormones. Please don't chalk it up to only that. If she isn't facing an abuse, then she might be angry, deeply angry, for a different reason.

    Secondly, you need to protect yourself. You have the right to not be abused. She might be directing the anger at you because you are the protective person in her life. Yet you might not know about an abuse that she has under gone. This must also be done ASAP!

    Next, you need to document every time this happens and what set her off. Go back and try to think of when it started.

    If the school is unresponsive or even just slow to help, talk to your family doctor. Explain the situation. He/she should be able to get you a referral to someone who can help.

    There is no way around it; she has to see a psychiatrist or psychologist immediately. Even within 24 hours. She needs counseling before this gets any worse.
    griffgog's Avatar
    griffgog Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jun 9, 2008, 09:05 AM
    my 15year old daughter is abusive 2!!
    its not classed as domestic violence in england until she turns 18, she has been "troublesome" for many years, but everyone panders to her and its not getting us anywhere, its not helping her either. I haven't got an answer for you because if I did I wouldn't be in this position either but I do know what you are going through.
    everyone tells me to phone the police 2 but as she is in contact with social services, that possibly wouldn't help either.
    as I have a 6 year old also, I am looking to leave the household as I don't want my youngster to witness anymore of this, for me this is my answer, as doctors or councillors don't help. The "professionals" have been around for about 3 years now since she startied self harming!!
    as for the eating habits, this sounds like just another excuse to push you to see how far you will let her go, do check with a school nurse or school advisors though and tell her what you are doing, you won't be alone if you tell people what is going on. One day, as I tell my partner, it may be too late for anyone to do something to help. I live in fear-baseball bats, knives, fists. One day I'm sure I won't be here to tell of that days abuse. Don't keep it to yourself.

    please take care x you are not alone
    Moparbyfar's Avatar
    Moparbyfar Posts: 262, Reputation: 49
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    #16

    Jun 9, 2008, 02:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by griffgog
    my 15year old daughter is abusive to me 2!!!
    its not classed as domestic violence in england until she turns 18, she has been "troublesome" for many years, but everyone panders to her and its not getting me anywhere, its not helping her either. i havent got an answer for you because if i did i wouldnt be in this position either but i do know what you are going through.
    everyone tells me to phone the police 2 but as she is in contact with social services, it possibly wouldnt help either.
    as i have a 6 year old also, i am looking to leave the household as i dont want my youngster to witness anymore of this, for me this is my answer, as doctors or councilors dont help.
    please take care x
    YOU'RE thinking of leaving? Can't you make her leave? You shouldn't have to disrupt your yougest ones life by moving. If social services are involved, I'd have thought they could arrange for her to spend time in a foster type home. My friend's daughter beat her up when she was 14 and did it again within a year. She had her placed in a "halfway house". She's 16 now and although they don't have a fantastic relationship, at least mum doesn't need to keep watching her back at home. It also came to light that the daughter has bipolar disorder, so she's got the medication she needs too.

    All the best anyway. ;)
    griffgog's Avatar
    griffgog Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jun 9, 2008, 03:16 PM
    Thanks moparbyfar. I don't know where you live but like I say the "professionals" we have, have been around for 3 years and the have done "squat" (nothing) the have been looking for a placement for her for 6 months but her dad doesn't want her to go into care. What does that tell you? My youngster is already unhappy and I can't honestly see that changing while we are in the home with my "troublesome" daughter. :( I don't sleep at night (too scared) very well but manage to catch afew hours in the day while everyone is at work, college or school. I think leaving is the only option as I don't want my youngest daughter thinking this is normal. Also to get at me, I am frightened that she may get hurt too
    Moparbyfar's Avatar
    Moparbyfar Posts: 262, Reputation: 49
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    #18

    Jun 9, 2008, 03:54 PM
    What is her relationship like with her dad? I take it he lives with you? Does he realise the effect her behaviour is having on the whole family? What have the doctors said about her? Surely there is something psychological or other underlying thing affecting her, as is possible with curlyhairs daughter.
    Have you tried a councilor for her?

    PM me if you like because I'd like to discuss the self harm thing a bit more. :)
    lrhall41's Avatar
    lrhall41 Posts: 123, Reputation: 6
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    #19

    Jun 9, 2008, 06:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by bushg
    Call the police on her when she hits,kicks, pushes you or tears up your house. Let her know that there are laws even for a 13 year old.
    If she doesn't like the inside of a police car or station maybe she will get the hint that this is no way to communicate with her mom.
    When she ask you if she is fat turn the question around and ask her How shje feels about her size aske her if ahe is ok with her weight? don't give her an answer...I think she is using that to lash out at you.
    Let her know before hand that you are going to do this the next time she wants to get physical. Then do it.
    Hey, I did it to my daughter when she as 14. I called the cops when she pushed me in the kitchen and started to be abusive and on my face. We had to "physically restrain" her one night. My husband had to sit on her" while we waited for the cops. She started screaming "Child abuse" and the cops saw my and my husband's bitemarks and she obviously didn't have any... she was taken to "juvie". She was only 14, but learned the lesson thatn "Chld abuse" doesn't always work for you.
    griffgog's Avatar
    griffgog Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Jun 9, 2008, 07:08 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Moparbyfar
    What is her relationship like with her dad? I take it he lives with you? Does he realise the effect her behaviour is having on the whole family? What have the doctors said about her? Surely there is something psychological or other underlying thing affecting her, as is possible with curlyhairs daughter.
    Have you tried a councilor for her?

    PM me if you like because I'd like to discuss the self harm thing a bit more. :)
    Hi moparbyfar
    Meet the professionals-
    Councilors, social services, child mental health team, school nurse, doctor, school!! according to them all, she isn't mentally ill. My doctor on the other hand wants to put me on anti-depressants.

    Yes, at the moment I live with her dad, he wants a quiet life (who doesnt) and so he tries to ignore the problems or just give in to her and that makes me the "bad guy" and everyone else has to suffer her.

    The self harming started about 3-4 years ago, she used to use it as a threat- "if you wont let me.......i'll cut myself" my answer was always- "go on then, because if you injure yourself i can do something about it if i know what you have done"
    This may seem abit harsh to those of you that have not come across this sort of behaviour but I wasn't prepared to be blackmailed by her.

    curlyhairs daughter does seem to be using some sort of blackmail, in her case its with food and curlyhair seems afraid of asking for help, it doesn't make you a failure asking for help. For some, with the right help, its knowing that there is someone there for you when you need it most


    Am so sorry, for some reason I can't PM you, it won't let me. It says I haven't replied to an activation email but I have not had one.

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