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Under_a_rock · Jan 4, 2008, 07:02 AM

I have very low self-esteem and I have trouble being comfortable around my husband. I try not to let him see me undressed and I take care to look as good as possible when he is home. He says he is frustrated with my insecuritys, and he thinks that if he put me online he could boost my self-esteem. He said something about making home-made porn and posting it online for a possible profit.
I am against porn, if it was up to me he would not look at it. I am completely against the whole subject. It upsets me that he would be okay with other people seeing me that way. I don't think he has any respect for me and I don't know how to talk to him. I need to find a way to tell him how he is making me feel. In a way I feel like if I do it, it may make me more attractive to him. As it is now he looks at porn regularly before he tries anything with me, I would rather him look at me. I thought about letting him record things, but now I don't trust him not to post it somewhere.
I am angry and confused.
I just need some advice on what to do or say.

ScottGem · Jan 4, 2008, 07:15 AM

On the one hand I agree with your husband. He apparently likes to look at you nude and your inhibitions are frustrating him and might be what's driving him towards porn. You say nothing about how long you have been married or what shape you are in, which would have a bearing. But getting you to pose in front of a camera is not an unreasonable way to show you how good you look and get you more comfortable with displaying your body.

But using those pictures for profit?? That's going over the edge. I think the two of you need to get some counseling together. You to help with your self-esteem and inhibitions, him to deal with his obsession with porn and his disrespect for you.

Under_a_rock · Jan 4, 2008, 07:30 AM

Before he started looking at porn regularly I was much more comfortable with him. We have been together 6 years and married for just over one.
I am in horrible shape. I am covered in stretch marks, I had a baby 7 months ago. I am 5'2 and weigh about 150lbs. I know that there is no way in hell anyone is going to pay to look at me. He tried to tell me that I don't have to undress, that he can just record me doing things to him. I don't want to be on camera. He has taken pictures and video before and I just recently was able to find and destroy all of it. He even took the video camera on our honeymoon. I think he is obsessed with porn of all kinds.

LearningAsIGo · Jan 4, 2008, 02:00 PM

What!!

I can understand his frustration with your insecurities (he loves you and enjoys your body so he can't understand why you don't see that).

However, trying to get you to pose not just for him but for PROFIT is an attempt to manipulate your low self esteem to please him. Do NOT do something that makes you uncomfortable. Something like this would not help you feel better about yourself (or your marriage) but it could come back to haunt you and lower yourself esteem even further. :(

I highly suggest marriage counseling for you both. You have individual concerns/issues that should be addressed so you can come to a mutual understanding of each others needs.

shygrneyzs · Jan 4, 2008, 02:59 PM

Having you on a webcam doing sexual activities is not a way to increase yourself esteem. Sorry, but not for you. Instead of driving you that way, he should be encouraging you in developing a healthy lifestyle - food, exercise, etc.

About your feeling that no one would look at you, with strech marks and baby weight - there are guys out there who would pay. They would pay for almost anything that moved. There is an unbelievable market out there for voyeurs. But that is not the issue here. The issue is you do not want to do this.

Do not allow him to pressure you into this. That is being a bully. If he wants to go on cam himself and let people pay for him to self pleasure him - who cares? Who would pay to watch that anyway?

I agree with Learning about the marriage counseling. If he refuses, then perhaps you go to a counselor and get some pointers on what is a healthy marriage. Good luck to you.

NowWhat · Jan 4, 2008, 03:22 PM

If your husband had any kind of respect for you, he would not suggest this at all.

You are his wife, not to be shared with anyone. This will not help you or yourself esteem. Going against everything you believe will only drive yourself esteem down.

My goodness, you just had a baby!! It took 9 months to put that weight on, it will take 9 months to take it off - if not more. (unless you live in hollywood and have around the clock personal trainers) Your body has just went through a major change, it may never look the same as it did before. You may get back to some sort of "normal" but what it was before, maybe not.

Don't do this. Please, it won't help. You need to tell your husband how you feel. Does he even realize what he is asking you to do? Or how even the question is making you feel?

donf · Jan 4, 2008, 08:17 PM

Under a Rock -

How would you feel about being displayed for the world to see and rate? Oh, lets throw in the extra money hubby's going to make by offering you up in video format during various and sundry sexual positions?

How long before he starts renting you out so other's can appreciate what he has. Think how wonderful it will be to have complete strangers say to you, Hey, I recognize from video clips, are you really that BLANK.

Needless to say, I think your husband needs a brain bath. From studies that I have heard of, but never read, one of the prime reasons for a woman to start into making porn is low self esteem. Porno films don't make you stronger, they do nothing more than cheapen your very life.

This is a time for you to stop his behavior towards you as a porno object and make him look again at you as a the woman and wife. Do not allow stupidity to force you into a life that can be all to crippling. Have enough pride to say, If you love me and like to see me nude, why does it have to be open for every one else?

We are married, you are my husband, how in the name of common sense could you ask be to become an object of sex.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2008, 01:26 PM

I think you should get help with your personal issues, and frustrated or not, your husband doesn't know how to help, or encourage you. Get help asap, and if he won't go, then go yourself. Its not the porn, it's the person. Sorry you have a jerk for a husband. Love yourself as you deserve to be happy. Congrats on the new baby.

George_1950 · Jan 6, 2008, 10:53 PM

You said: "He said something about making home-made porn and posting it online for a possible profit. " I think your husband is dealing with a loose screw. It's one thing to look at porn, but to want to put yourself and your spouse in it is crazy, in my view.

inthebox · Jan 7, 2008, 12:01 AM

Okay , He knows you don't feel good about yourself physically and your viewpoint on porn [ you told him in simple terms right ? ] and yet he continues to indulge in it and suggest you star in it for the whole world to see?!

He is not a nice person - to put it mildly.

The problem is his and porn is the problem also.
If he cannot get it up without porn - that is pathetic and sad.

He sees you and what is on the internet only for his pleasure and gain. Is that how a real man loves his wife?

You have every right to be confused and angry.
Now put that away, let it go - its harmful.

"I have trouble being comfortable around my husband."

Then don't be around him. Don't even have sex with him if he is going to have to look at porn first. Let him waste his time and energy playing with himself.

Be around people who you are comfortable around, who appreciate you for who you are and not just the way you look, people that build you up.

Do get back into shape - but for yourself and your health , not for him.

Also, not that you don't, but help / serve someone in need. The fact that you are doing something good will help yourself esteem.

Take care

rpg219 · Jan 7, 2008, 01:47 AM

This is sick. Who in their right mind would ask their wife to expose herself to the public like that? I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you are not comfortable around your husband... why in the world did you marry him? It couldn't be because he is such a great guy... because a great guy wouldn't even ask of you the things that your husband has.

I agree with everyone else... see a counselor. I don't necessarily think for the marriage, but for yourself.