Seeking Advice:

I have been with my boyfriend for one year this new years and we will have lived together for six months at that point. I am deeply concerned about the state of our relationship as we fight almost daily and frequently talk about breaking up. We were, at one point, deeply and passionately in love. We still get along great as friends, but absolutely not as lovers.

The first six months we were together was absolutely perfect. I had friends tell me that our relationship gave them hope that they too would someday find someone so perfectly matched. When we met I already had plans to move to California (from the midwest) and because we had such an amazing first 6 months (we were already talking about marriage) he decided to move with me to Cali. After we moved we basically stopped having sex immediately (before we moved it ranged from multiple times a week to multiple times a day) and began to fight consistently (maybe once a week?).

He told me that this has happened with every single girlfriend he has. He stops desiring sex after a certain amount of time and the girl gets angry/frustrated. Is this common?

We did not have a good experience in California. Our housing situation was expensive and unstable, it took him a few months to find a job(which of course caused tension), I was miserable at my job, he hated the people on the west coast, etc... I assumed that these stressors were the possible cause of his disinterest in sex.. . And I still think we were both extremely depressed during this time.

Things really started to fall apart when I discovered he had been looking at pornography multiple times a week during this time. I have no issues with pornography IF we have a healthy sexual relationship - something we did not and continue to not have. It hurts me that despite knowing that I am physically and emotionally frustrated and struggling due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship that he would look at other women... This made me start to think it was ME he was unhappy with and not our living situation.

I spoke with him about it, he was, of course, very embarrassed, but the conversation lead in a direction I never would have expected. He mentioned the death of his father (he passed when my boyfriend was 10 years old). He was never put in counseling about it or had anyone to talk to. He thinks it has effected his ability to feel emotion and has impended on his ability to live in the "real" life because as a mourning child, he drowned himself in video games, movies, music, and the internet. He told me that it is easier for him to look at porn than have sex and that is it easier for him to play video games than interact with people he doesn't know. Could this be legitimate?

So mid November we decided to move back to the midwest. It was not my first choice, but I was ready to do just about anything to save our relationship. We've probably had more sex this month and a half than we did the entire time in California, but we fight CONSTANTLY and I am still not sexually fulfilled. (I think we've had sex 5-6 times since moving home compared to 3-4 times during the entirety of our stay in CA).

Then Last week we were at a friends and he dissappeared for quite a while. When I checked the back porch where people usually smoke ciggerettes and checked the bathroom and no one else had seen him, I left out the back door, walked around the house, and low and behold found him smoking a ciggerette with a girl that had been hitting on him/hanging on him all night. This was VERY unlike him. I said hi and walked off. When he came inside he approached me already defensive, as if he knew he was doing something out of the ordinary. I told him I was upset but didn't want to fight cause we had both been drinking and we were in public. So I went home. He texted me a few times and then nothing. Silence. He didn't come home that night. He says nothing happened, and I believe him, but still...

So just a few days later we went to a concert and had a blast. This was on a Friday, his birthday was on Saturday. Because we are both still unemployed, we had gone out about 4 nights that week. I told him I wanted to go home to rest up for his birthday celebration and recoup from the party-full week and somehow it turned into a huge fight. He went out with some of our friends, yelled at me on the phone in front of them, refused to come home to even talk about anything until I got a phone call at 5a.m. with him trying to walk home trashed in the snow. During this time I had packed up my suitcase, put the dogs in the car and spent 3 hours listening to the radio in a grocery store parking lot cause I couldn't think where else to go at 1am when the fight started.

Long story short I never imagined myself staying in a relationship where I was miserable. I feel trapped. I feel like I am in hell. Granted, he doesn't typically stay out all night - these are all new developments in the past 2 weeks. But I feel so undesired, so worthless. I feel like I am his roommate, not his lover, not his love. I was trying to be empathetic, trying to be understanding and work with these issues - but I feel like these past few weeks have gone to a whole new lever. He didn't come home. Twice.

He has promised he would call a counselor and yet has not. He has done little to nothing to find a job and I am panicking about finances. I thought moving home would fix things and it has not. Now we are stuck in a year long lease together and I, in my impulsiveness, have already mentioned us breaking up multiple times. I feel like he doesn't want to talk about us or our relationship. I feel like I am constantly nagging. I feel like he doesn't want to put any effort into LIFE - just getting him to fill out a job application causes a huge fight. I know I am probably not communicating in a constructive way, but I am feeling hurt and angry and I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg for sex or walk on egg shells to keep him from being angry.

If you've made it this far - here is my question. Does this sound like something that is solvable? Is there a chance it really has nothing to do with me and my getting upset has caused this downward spiral? Does this sound like a man that is disinterested but not ready to cut things loose? Do you think we moved in together too soon? Do you think living in California caused depression for us both and our fighting just made it worse? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I've been in your shoes and can say that you moved in too quick. A big move to another state like that is a major stressor in a person's life. I think that moving in with someone plus moving away was what set this all in motion. I noticed you said you are both unemployed, but yet you are going to concerts, drinking, etc. I would suggest getting a job, working on bettering yourself and not partying or whatever. You can't make him get a job. Flat out. But if he sees you get a job and if he sees you pull yourself out of this, then he might be more inclined to do so. He is probably really depressed with how his life is going right now. And it's hard to see someone you love in a downward spiral, but flat out they got to want to help themselves. Meanwhile, you got to work on yourself.

I think the job thing is a huge issue right now. In California, I had a job for a few months before he got one. This caused a lot of fights because I felt he was being lazy... although I tried to be understanding because he didn't know anyone and I had preexisting friends and a prearranged job. When we moved back to the midwest he told me it was my turn to relax and focus on school (I'm 15 credits from finishing my masters degree). So I have been applying for part time jobs at local nonprofits... I just don't want to be stuck in a situation where I'm working full time to pay the bills and trying to finish my degree while he sits at home. I don't know how to talk to him without feeling extremely angry and making comments I shouldn't...

Should I propose that we stop going out until we have j-o-b-s? Or would dropping it and setting the example by getting one myself be a better choice?


Edit:
And I agree that he is probably really depressed... We fight every time I ask if he's found time to call the therapist... I know I can't force him.. but does anyone have any suggestions on how I could encourage him to seek outside professional advise?

I think the handwriting's on the wall here. This "relationship" is going nowhere. Time to cut yourself loose and start being happy again.

I just so badly don't want that to be the case...

Hope you had fun playing house so soon, but reality is here. I find that couples who move that fast into adult situations usually, crash and burn just as fast as the 'honeymoon" is over. Neither of you has the coping skills to deal with each other let alone life, together. But the ones that take the time to build communications and learn to be willing to work together to solve their problems to the benefit of both, has a chance for a very long, happy relationship. If you want this to work, you must first learn how to talk to each other and not at each other, without blame, nagging, or ultimatums and if your both willing, some counseling to guide you through this process. Otherwise you will just be another failed relationship. Hint, when sex is such a big problem, it signals big trouble with other areas of your relationship.

My gut told me just that - and I even talked to him about that, but as I said, he told me this happens with every relationship he has...

I really do want to make things work. I know I personally need to work on the way I communicate - he knows he needs to work on things... I just don't want to waste both of our time and money on a therapist if this is a pointless endeavor!

I didn't want to break up with him and move to CA, I sure as heck didn't want a long distance relationship, I didn't want to NOT move and give up my dreams for a man, and us living in separate houses in CA was not financially possible if he came with me. Stupid choice, I see now. But here we are...

I agree with Tal. You have to communicate. But don't nag and complain. It makes men just want to shut down and not talk or listen. Counseling would also be good. I wouldn't leave it up to him to call the therapist. Call and make an appointment for yourself, and encourage him to go with you and tell him that it would mean a lot to you. If he doesn't go, just go for yourself.

And yes, I would propose to stop going out until you have jobs--Once you get it all together.

If your both not committed to make it work, then it is pointless. Think it over, and see if he is as committed as you are. It takes two to do the work!!

Yep way too much way too fast

And also, the fact that he said he stops desiring sex after 6 months or however long with his GF is a HUGE red flag right there... I don't know what that's all about, but you may want to inquire ore about that... it would be logical if the moving stress and living together stress freaked him out a bit and he maybe wanted some of his own space, but the fact that he said this has happened before is crazy

That's exactly my concern... But he won't give a reason and he only gets angry if I push it... so I've sort of dropped the subject.. Intimacy issues? I generally believe that is just an excuse, though..

You know those commercials about depression? About not wanting the things that you once loved or made you happy? It could be a possibility that his depression causes him to not want sex as frequently. That's just one idea.

Back off or separate for a while, with one goal in mind, learn how to talk and listen to each other. If you cannot exchange the anger for open mindedness, the argueing for discussion, you may as well split.

I'm hoping that is the answer... Its just been going on so long I've started to feel like its me.. I've been reading about depression and so far it seems to describe him pretty darn accurately.. I told him yesterday (he was in bed completely covered by the covers having some sort of break down) that I'm not going to force him and I'm not going to nag him, but I am personally going to go talk to a doctor and I think it would be best for him. He nodded and I'm going to drop it. Maybe if he sees it helping me he'll consider going along?

Last night we agreed we needed to spend some time apart just to get out of eachothers hair. So we agreed to spend the day with our friends, have fun, and come home and just talk. Worked out pretty well. Baby steps :)

Sounds like a good plan. Keep us posted!