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    BarbieHarley's Avatar
    BarbieHarley Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 8, 2007, 09:02 PM
    My 17 year old son will not obey me
    I am a single parent of a 17 year old boy who is very disrespectful and will not obey my rules. I constantly have to argue with him about taking the trash out or mowing the grass. He is always asking for money and doesn't want to do anything for it. He is a junior in school and has only 8 credits and it takes 42 to graduate, I don't think he is going to make it. He has been cutting classes and recently was placed in study halls, then they just decided to have him go to school half day and send him home after fourth period with the intention of getting him signed up for online classes to take at home sometime next week. Anytime I try to discuss this with him, he gets upset and says I am trying to call him stupid or a loser, etc... He starts crying and makes comments such as I don't love him and all I care about is myself. At this point in his life, all he cares about is hanging out with his friends and skateboarding. Every time I ground him, I come home from work to find him not home and he won't answer his cell phone, then he strolls in close to bedtime 9:00. He does not want to go to his fathers house every other weekend, because he would rather hang with his friends. He is also using marijuana. I am really concerned about the future of my son. I am also going insane trying to deal with him. I have went as far as whipping him tonight with the belt. I am at my witts end and don't know what to do anymore. Is there help in Indiana for me? Do you think I should take him to a psychiatrist? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
    charlotte234s's Avatar
    charlotte234s Posts: 1,903, Reputation: 143
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    #2

    Nov 8, 2007, 09:10 PM
    I was that age not long ago, and he is playing you by pretending your concern for him makes him feel bad. Honestly, you must lay down the law. If he doesn't answer his phone, take it away. If he won't obey you, take away other things. If he acts up in school, tell him he needs to buckle down and work or you will seek out alternatives to his regular high school that he will not enjoy. He needs to take responsibility for himself, and if he cannot get his act together, since he is 18, then tell him (although it may be hard) that he may have to take full responsibility for himself. It is important for you to know that he needs to care for his own problems, though, and you cannot force him to do things, but you have to stop enabling him and giving him undeserved privileges. :(
    jennnnnnifer's Avatar
    jennnnnnifer Posts: 12, Reputation: 3
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    #3

    Nov 15, 2007, 06:59 PM
    Pick your battles. Grounding is not a good system. Keep a close watch, but give him space. He probably feels nagged and pressured by you which causes him to rebel. It might take him a little while to get things straightened out but he needs space and hell get his life in order. As for the marijuana, does he try to hide that from you? If he knows you would rather he didn't do it and take a more dissapointed than angry approach he might gradually stop. If you nag him (I know you probably don't think you are nagging but just think about it you might be) or insist that he stop skipping school and smoking pot right away he is going to rebel more and possibly do worse things behind your back. I have great supportive parents but they are so against bending the rules that my behaviour behind their backs landed me in the hospital. You and your son need to be honest with each other and the best approach if it comes to drinking is "I'd rather you do it in the house."
    thereisno4evr's Avatar
    thereisno4evr Posts: 63, Reputation: 0
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    #4

    Nov 15, 2007, 08:00 PM
    If he is getting upset every time that you try to talk to him about what's going on with school, then it's highly likley that you are'nt aproaching the situation in the right way. If he is a bad student(does'nt preform well academically) he may be cutting classes because he feels that he cannot live up to the standards that you/the school expect. However he may be cutting class purley because he does not wish to go to school, then this may be a sign that schooling is not the best path for your son. Either way you must discuss these matters without getting angry or interrigating him. For if he gets angry/upset its not going to help anyone.
    Grounding him is not a good aproach. This will only provoke him to rebel more. Instead let him work this out in his own time(and eventually he will).
    Do not give him money if he is not prepared to do anything for it. On the other hand do not nag him(wich you currently seem to be) about doing house work and so on. This way if he needs the money bad enough he will work for it.
    charlotte234s's Avatar
    charlotte234s Posts: 1,903, Reputation: 143
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    #5

    Nov 15, 2007, 09:18 PM
    This person posted once and has not been on since

    Nov 9, 2007, 04:02 AM

    Please don't post on old threads when the person obviously has not returned.
    BarbieHarley's Avatar
    BarbieHarley Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Nov 15, 2007, 10:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by charlotte234s
    This person posted once and has not been on since

    Nov 9, 2007, 04:02 AM

    Please don't post on old threads when the person obviously has not returned.

    I'm here, I am just taking everyone's advice... :) :) :) :) :)
    BarbieHarley's Avatar
    BarbieHarley Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 15, 2007, 10:13 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by charlotte234s
    This person posted once and has not been on since

    Nov 9, 2007, 04:02 AM

    Please don't post on old threads when the person obviously has not returned.
    And I'm definitely appreciating the advice. Thank you!!
    charlotte234s's Avatar
    charlotte234s Posts: 1,903, Reputation: 143
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    #8

    Nov 15, 2007, 10:14 PM
    Okay, good, then. :)

    I just see people post on VERY dead threads and it's like, ugh, I can't believe they didn't read.
    BarbieHarley's Avatar
    BarbieHarley Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Nov 15, 2007, 10:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by charlotte234s
    Okay, good, then. :)

    I just see people post on VERY dead threads and it's like, ugh, I can't believe they didn't read.

    I have the email thingy that tells me when someone responds and I have been reading them. I wouldn't come on here and ask for advice and not check back.
    charlotte234s's Avatar
    charlotte234s Posts: 1,903, Reputation: 143
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    #10

    Nov 15, 2007, 10:17 PM
    Oh okay, awesome. =)
    Jigicou's Avatar
    Jigicou Posts: 33, Reputation: 3
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    #11

    Nov 18, 2007, 04:00 PM
    I used to be like my parents didn`t know what to do so they put me in a bording school. Its wasn`t great at first but know its like my second home.
    BarbieHarley's Avatar
    BarbieHarley Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Nov 18, 2007, 05:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jigicou
    I used to be like my parents didn`t know what to do so they put me in a bording school. Its wasn`t great at first but know its like my second home.
    That's good you adapted. I have mentioned sending him to some type of bootcamp, but he doesn't want to go. I hope he turns around. I'm not giving up on him.
    Venotron's Avatar
    Venotron Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Nov 26, 2007, 02:32 AM
    You need to tell him that he either passes every drugtest from you or leaves the house. Period. It's your house and your rules. Quit letting him run over you.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #14

    Nov 26, 2007, 02:57 AM
    Whipping him is not going to do any good, and it is just considered abuse.
    I think you should give him the option of if you do not want to live under my rules and you do not want to continue with school then it is time to find another place to live. At this age he needs to make his own decisions about himself and nagging him about everything is just going to make things worse, although I think at this point you understand that.
    brown_eyes_3546's Avatar
    brown_eyes_3546 Posts: 103, Reputation: 5
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    #15

    Jan 1, 2008, 03:11 AM
    I hope things have gotten better for you since nov. but my guess is not. I'm a little late but I think you could still use some advice. I'm a 17 year old girl that is pregnant and I graduated high school early as a junior because my parents had enrolled me in and prepaid for boarding school my senior year to get me away from my boyfriend who is 21. Me and my boyfriend live together in our own apt. with two dogs and we just put his 18 yearold brother out for stealing from us.

    with that said it sounds to me like you are too strict in some areas and not enough in others. I'm sorry but at 17 9:00 is way to early for bed time. If he doesn't complain about it he is probably sneaking out at night because you think he is asleep <i did>.

    if he is smoking weed and that is it. Be proud of him many kids his age are on x, acid, and coke<i was at 14>.

    I only needed 32 credits to graduate but regardless if he is already 2 years behind track on graduation you mite want to talk to him about getting a GED instead because he can't attend high school after 21 and he will still be there going at that pace. A GED is better than nothing and he can go to a community college for the 1st two years if he decides to major in something. High school is pretty much a waste of his time at this point. I hate to say it buts its true.

    if he doesn't answer his cell phone take it away and require to talk to a parent everywhere he goes since he isn't responsible enough to let you know where he is or that he is OK.

    if he wants money make him get a job. He is old enough and give him a set amount as long as he is working... check on him at work everyonce in a while because teens lie a lot if they get away with it. Most of my friends get gas money and have to pay for everything else. I never got any my boyfriend paid for everything since I was 14.

    if he cries that you think he is stupid basically tell him to suck it up, and I'm sorry if he only has 8 credits as a junior he can't fight back that he is on deans list. Make him talk about it if he is unmotivated that's one thing but there is no excuse to fail if he isn't stupid. <im sorry to be so straightforth but when it comes to last chances with kids you have to be.> why do you care if he is mad at you? At 17 it is either get his act together now or possibly face visiting him in jail so what if he crys.

    not want to go to dads is normal nobody wants to leave there friends on the weekends to visit parents it sucks. My parents were split up too and I hated it.

    a psychiatrist is probably a good idea but he won't want to go. Oh and since when does it matter if a kid wants to go to boot camp. Unless he can do something about it I don't think he has a choice once you sign the papers. The only reason I got out of boarding school was because I graduated school you can't make someone ungraduate. But my parents never cared about me to begin with they were doing it because my boyfriend made them look bad.

    and as far as everyone saying follow my rules or get out. I don't think you are the type of person that can do that or you wouldn't have come here. Trust me he can find another place to live and it won't take him but 3 minutes on the phone. You may never hear from him again though. Don't pull that card unless you can really deal with the consequences on your behalf of him leaving.

    teenagers that don't care are tough. I was one of them I was just good at hiding it from my parents because I made straight A's. They didn't find out till I told them at 16 about all the stuff I did behind there back<i had already quit the drugs by then>. My dad pulled the get off the computer at 7 or find somewhere else to live card and I had homework to do so my boyfriend went and got us an apt that night. The only reason we ever really talk now is because I'm pregnant and I want the grandparents in my baby's life. That is a decision that he regrets a lot now because I had only lived with him for a few months and he put me out and I proved I didn't need him. That is a hard realization for parents to come to don't rush it.

    sorry I made this so long but it is really hard for me to see someone give up on there kids when they really just don't know how to handle things. You don't have to take all of my advice but it's the things my parents could have done to stop me from doing things that I was doing. A psychiatrist would probably have a fit at it, but nothing in psychology is proven its all theory so who cares? You deffinantly need to make him tal to you one night about all of this stuff. Maybe you can get to the root of the problem. Tell him to talk to you about each topic an keep your mouth shut just listen and fuss him out in your head if you disagree he is the only one that can tell you what's going on with him.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #16

    Jan 1, 2008, 05:10 AM
    He'll grow out of it, or not. Don't enable him at all. I disagree that kids should get paid for chores. They make a mess, eat your food and expect you to "provide" for them. Respectful behavior may generate funds. My daughter just turned 18. Sometimes I wish she would just drop off the face of the earth. Maybe it's just their age. We grew up in a different world, and don't understand what they are going through, you see.

    The thing to do for yourself is to be honest (not necessarily to your son about every little detail.) Learn why you react the way you do. What really irritates you when he does certain things. You are reacting. Yeah, I know he's acting like a turd. Your reactions to his behavior are something that you can control though.

    It sounds as if he is closed to you. At the moment, anyway. People close up when they feel hurt. That doesn't make you a bad Mom. But, look at your little boy, and know that he is hurting. Approach him with kindness. Let him know that you want to help him finish school. If he isn't able to finish it doesn't mean that he is dumb. He can get his GED (or not) and you will love him just as much. He's hanging out with his friends as much as possible because with them he can feel successful.
    brown_eyes_3546's Avatar
    brown_eyes_3546 Posts: 103, Reputation: 5
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    #17

    Jan 1, 2008, 03:41 PM
    I never blamed anyone about getting pregnant I love my baby and will be married soon. I know it is my fault. The point was that if you tell a teen to follow rules or get out they can and most likely will get out. Kids don't have to blame there parents for things like pregnancy parents do it on there own. It was just an example as to why not to raise that option unless she is ready to deal with those consequences! My mother tried to force me to have an abortion because she didn't want any one to know that her daughter that she hadn't seen in 4 years was pregnant as a teen! She had me at 12 and blames me for her lack of college degree. I have plenty of other stuff I could blame on them if I wanted to but I most certainly do not feel they are worthy of being blamed for the best thing that has ever happened to me! Besides my parents had nothing to do with me when I got pregnant I already said I live on my own with my boyfriend and have since I was 16.
    IheartEdward's Avatar
    IheartEdward Posts: 203, Reputation: 4
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    #18

    Jan 2, 2008, 08:00 AM
    Just show him who's boss!
    Denise1128's Avatar
    Denise1128 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #19

    Jan 2, 2008, 12:00 PM
    I have a 17 yr old and I also have a friend that has a 17 yr old. My best advise is to let him fall. Sooner or later he needs to learn to take responsibility. You've done your best in teaching them to him. I have seen teenagers not learn because parents carry their responsibilities. How will they learn if we keep doing it for them? If it means repeating a grade? Oh well! My daughter learned and takes responsibility seriously now. Try it - it works!
    Impactyth's Avatar
    Impactyth Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Dec 22, 2008, 07:08 AM
    Difficult situation at best.. There is hope... The Best hope for him is to find a youth pastor who will confront, confirm and help enlighten him. Nothing is impossible with God!

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