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    pintosadlbrd's Avatar
    pintosadlbrd Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 3, 2007, 11:47 PM
    Is it ME or my Husband? What is wrong?
    I am so frustrated and angry, hurt, scared and confused. I have been with my husband for 3 years, we have a 4 month old daughter together, I came in this relationship with 2 daughters and he has 3. This in itself is A lot but I accept it and love them all equally. I met him and fell in love, he earned my trust, he spoke kind words, made promises never to hurt me, cheat on me, lie or hit me. I had come out of a horrible relationship where I was controlled and beaten on. It had taken me a long time to consider trusting another man. 2 years later, my husband started to change a bit. I will admit, I am not perfect, not an angel I do have my moments where I am a , I get stressed out, I snap but I am Always sorry and I always say so when I realize I am aiming my frustration on the wrong people. My only real problem, is that I am very insecure with my appearance. I have very bad scarring on my face, every day is a struggle to go out in public, the stares, the comments, the questions... it is Daily when I go out. Its not in my head, these things do happen and make it so hard to feel good and confident. I have been told my many that I'm sexy and not ugly, a good looking girl... nice body.. blah blah. There are very few days that I can actually feel like they might be right and I have Nothing to worry about. Then there is my husband, when I start to feel ugly, want to hide my face behind my hair ( usually after a shower) he gets angry and then instead of maybe saying I look good or giving a compliment when he KNOWS Why I am feeling ugly, he say... " whatever you say". And continues to watch TV or do whatever it was he was doing. Then I feel even more unattractive and want to hide even more... I tell him this, and he still never says anything... he only gets angrier. If I try to shut up, and block out how I feel, it eats me up even more. When its time to go to bed, he will usually kiss me goodnite, tell me he loves me (really ty)then go on to sleep with his back to me when I am feeling like this. I usually end up crying at this point and he ignores it completely. Now lately, over the past two months, it has gotten worse. I feel like I need to change how I look so he will notice me again. I have lost all the weight from the baby within the first 3 weeks, practically didn't eat for 2 or 3 days at a time so I could do it and look sexy again even if I am ugly from the neck up. I am now 112lbs. I ask him, are you satisfied with how I look? Am I Sexy to you? Am I pretty or attractive? He always answers yes.. but its said with an attitude and ty, like its not true or said to shut me up. He is hardly ever interested in sex with me, he will start to kiss me, but then pulls back and just stops Leaving me wondering... do you want me? Tonight he did this again, So I asked him... do you want me? He said NO, I asked him why and he said because I am only going to accuse him again of things in the morning. Last night, he came to bed naked, was excited kissing me but refused to touch me in any other way. I asked him then, what is wrong... don't you like my body or do you want me? He said NO then as well, reason was he didn't want to because I was only going to accuse him of cheating the next day. I spent the night on the couch cause when I started to cry over the rejection he got mad and told me to leave the bedroom. I will admit, I do accuse.. more Ask him if there is something else going on. My husband and I own a trucking company, He drives for someone else still and I operate our truck. He is often out of town which is hard for me where I am juggling the company, running the truck full time... raising the kids, keeping the house, managing bills, making sure dinner is on the table most nights and dealing with the harsh reality that I HAVE to leave the Baby with someone else all the time for long periods. But when he comes home, and wants nothing to do with me, barely says hello or kisses me hello like he used to after days out, then rejects me, I cannot help but wonder Why?? He says he loves me, I've asked him then Show me you love me, make love to me. He will always turn and say... Oh what , you want some? Your going to get mad cause you aren't getting no... What do I do with that kind of comment? I have literally thrown myself at him, and he does nothing then gets angry when I am hurt that he rejected me. Then there is his Constant accusations. For the longest time, the baby wasn't his in his mind, I am cheating on his he insists, he doesn't want to touch me cause he doesn't know where I've been, he calls me a whore, slut, asks me all the time... how much do I charge? This leads me back to tonight ( I do apologize for this being so long...there is so much in my head...so many things....) When he rejected me tonight, I asked him... like I said why don't you want me. When he said I was only going to accuse him in the morning of cheating on me... thats when I asked him again... Is there something going on? Is there someone else in your life? No sooner did I barely finish the sentence he jumped on me and started to choke me yelling at me saying I am a whore, and get the hell out, he wants a F*ing divorce, he's not cheating and that I'm the one whoring around. Then he threw me on the floor, and kept telling me to shut up... before he hit me again. I begged him to just stop it... stop hurting me this way... what am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to think?? I told him over and over, I don't deserve this, I didn't deserve what he had just done, all I wanted was to get close and am so scared that something is going on. I told him that what he just did, how he reacted is making me feel even more that he is cheating, I needed reasurance, and he hit me instead. He will go for weeks and be the man I fell in love with, then he will snap and I turn into this whore, lier, piece of trash that he wished he never married. Wants me to leave all the time, he says he is tired of my... wants a divorce... I'm just like his ex... That woman did in fact cheat on him, she stole his money, she would lie and say bills were paid but she was putting the money in another account. He almost lost his home because of her lies. Him and I were getting along just fine, the way we used to be... until a check bounced the other day. I got it straightened out and told him that money is tight... but the bills are getting paid.. he can see this all for himself, in the file cabinet in the check book on the statements etc. He told me I was just like her, and I am a liar. He also will be fine until usually the Thursday before we get his girls for our weekend. Then he will change, I become a whore again, a liar... HER. I tell him... I am NOT HER. I tell him I am not cheating on him.. he just looks at me and says I am a slut and a whore just like her.
    So please, someone tell me am I bringing this on myself? Is it me? If it is me... what do I do? IF its him... how do I handle this and find a way to end these hurtful things? I want my husband, I love him with all my heart... but I don't love the words, the violence and the hatred that brews in the his home. I don't know how to find out if HE IS unfaithful either... there is nothing out of the ordinary on the phone bill, he does however keep his company phone in his truck when he is home on the weekends... usually anyhow. I hate to say, but I have snooped in his truck, there is nothing in there, no porn or anything like that, no evidence of another woman, no sex smell nothing. But it does seem odd, that he will usually end up getting sent out on a run late in the day that brings him home late almost always on fridays. When this happens, he treats me like when he gets home, avoids any contact with me... no kiss no nothing. I am hoping its only because he is tired... but I still just don't know anymore. AS the first line said... I am confused... extremely.
    wackymb's Avatar
    wackymb Posts: 83, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Nov 4, 2007, 12:45 AM
    Hey, no I don't think it's you. I have some what the same problem with my husband about the sex thing but, he's never hit me or snapped as your husband does when you ask what's wrong. I'm sorry to say that I do think he is cheating. Why else would he act like that when you just want to fool around and he snaps. He needs to get some kind of counseling to help with his anger, before he hurts you really bad. How is he towards all the kids? I'm not really sure on what you should do. But, I wouldn't live like that. That's bull crap, no-one deserves that. And for the scar on your face. Who cares what other people say. Just look at them when they are starring and say "Are you jealous" or say "Take a picture, it'll last longer". Just don't worry about other people. No-one is PERFECT. Well, I'll let you go. Sorry that I couldn't really help you. But, if this continues, I would leave. You've already been beaten once.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
    Printers & Electronics Expert
     
    #3

    Nov 4, 2007, 10:17 AM
    Pinto,

    First, I confess to you I did not read your entire note.

    Physical Beauty is a transitory state at best. You will never believe you are beautiful in someone else's eyes until you accept you are beautiful in your own being.

    There is no such thing as as ugly from the neck up. The next time you look in the mirror, don't see the scarring, see the face of a lovey lady. This is your birthright. You've earned this stature just by being born and living you life. At present you are a mom to five little toy people. No wonder you wear down fast. I take care of a two-year old during school days and I tell, the little guy puts me to shame.

    As to your husband, why does he seem to believe that you are going to accuse him of infidelity in the morning?

    Has he done anything to deserve the accusation? Is this old baggage from your first marriage? If it is, sit with him and tell him that it's not his behavior that has you so fearful,
    It's a learned panic point because of your previous trauma. Tell him if he see you being needy to just let you know you don't have to fear that behavior with him and just tell me you love me. Try to get him to help you grow away form the panic point. See if you can get him to just hold you for a few minutes until you can get calmed down.

    Most guys do have a tender side, we just shield it so well because we don't know or want to know how to deal with that. Needy and timid behavior scare the devil out of us.

    Approach your husband at a time when you are feeling strong in yourself and let him know that you need his help to change your behavior because of the pain and trauma from before your marriage. Keep it simple for him to do. Eventually he will understand just how good it is to hold his lady!

    Good luck
    Tranquility's Avatar
    Tranquility Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Nov 4, 2007, 11:29 AM
    We often ask questions we have answers to already. You have 2 love yourself, NEVER accept violence you and your kids deserve better. About him cheating (u know the answer). I would recommend u 2 see a Marriage counselor or a church pastor (it helps a lot). Please love yourself because he and the world can see right through you and toy with your insecurities and take advantage of your weakness. The solution is in your hands.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #5

    Nov 4, 2007, 12:20 PM
    At first I was going to say you need more confidence and quit asking him and just try to be the perfect wife. That your insecurity probably turns him off and he doesn't know how to deal with women's emotions. But when you said he is choking you and calling you names it is a whole different issue. You need to get away from him he will never change. Guys that think their wife is a slut have a very demeaning image of all women in general and it doesn't change because they will never see they have the problem. They only see that you are not what they want you to be. You could do circles around any and all women and be the most perfect wife but in their eyes you never can or will be. You say you go out everyday, guys that accuse the girl of being a slut are insecure and hate an independent woman. When he comes to bed naked and/or tries to kiss you turn your back and let him ask. Then tell him you don't want to get your hopes up again only to be turned away cause it would mean so much to you to be able to actually want you. Then don't ever accuse him of cheating again cause the only thing accusing does is ruin the relationship.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #6

    Nov 4, 2007, 12:38 PM
    Nohekp4u,

    You have me there, how is it possible to date, wo, become engaged and ask to marry a woman you think is a slut?

    First I can't honestly say I have ever met a women that I think is a slut and certainly I would never use that particular adjective to describe my wife.

    Also, a Perfect Wife? Is there such a woman? I wouldn't know how to define that term. But I can say this about my wife, I wouldn't change a thing about her and I'm very proud to be the one she chose to be married to!
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #7

    Nov 4, 2007, 12:58 PM
    Donf

    How is it possible to date, wo, become engaged and ask to marry a woman you think is a slut?
    I see guys treat their girlfriends like gold all the time until they think it is too late for her to back out; then they start calling them slut and treating them like the 'no good slut' after they are living together or married. They are usually the type that is insecure and think that the power trip image makes them a real man. Guys don't let girls see that side of them for years. My ex didn't. He never came out and called me a slut like many men do, but he did try to act like I was to his friends to justify his cheating.

    When I say 'perfect' or 'right one' I typically mean the best you can be at being a good spouse. I guess I should use more explanation than a phrase.
    Like from everything I hear you say you sound like the perfect husband
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
    Printers & Electronics Expert
     
    #8

    Nov 4, 2007, 03:35 PM
    Nohelp4u,

    I've been called many things in my life, but perfect husband? I suppose you would actually have to pose the question to my lady if you expect a honest answer.

    I really don't understand the type behavior you speak of. My lady is what I would consider a normal person and woman. There is no way she would allow herself to be called a slut much less be treated like one.

    I never felt I had to master or treat her like trash to feel like a man? I guess it's because she got me at 17 and married at 18. My gal has a backbone of steel. I never have to doubt how she feels about something or someone. I'm no prince to be sure but she is a lady and wife. There is nothing more I could possibly want or need from her that I haven't asked for and gotten over the years. It must be my sheltered life.
    Stringer's Avatar
    Stringer Posts: 3,733, Reputation: 770
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    #9

    Nov 4, 2007, 09:47 PM
    I say again... No man has the right to lay a hand on a woman (period) Under any circumstances, he has a problem, I suggest you get out now. And no one is perfect, again (period)
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #10

    Nov 4, 2007, 10:07 PM
    You really need to GET OUT NOW!! I don't care if your husband has been the most wonderful, caring, loving man for 20 years. If he has laid hands on you then you MUST get out! The violence that you describe indicates that your husband is filled with rage. Nobody has the right to jump on their spouse, choke them, yell profanities at them, hit them, etc. no matter what! The first thing you should do is call the police, press charges and get a restraining order. This will show him that you mean business and that you will NOT accept violence in your life, or your children's.

    I also feel that you need a therapist to help you with your self-esteem issues. If you don't work through these and start believing that it takes more than a pretty face to be beautiful, then you destine yourself to a life of abuse and unhappiness.

    If you truly love your husband, both of these things need to be done. I know it's a tough way to love someone, but the long term effects for you both and for all of your children will be priceless and timeless.

    Hugs, Didi
    Stringer's Avatar
    Stringer Posts: 3,733, Reputation: 770
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    #11

    Nov 4, 2007, 10:22 PM
    I agree grammadidi,

    If you do not do something to show him that you do mean business and this is serious, then expect this to continue. And trust me the more you give in and try to appease the more he will take that as a weakness. By doing nothing, you are an enabler. And believe me IT WILL get much worse. You have to do something now to show him, even if it means leaving for good. Protect yourself and for God's sake protect your children. They can not protect themselves.

    I am a man, and I have never, never hit a woman. ANY man that will hit a woman is basically saying "I can not communicate with you in words, so now I am going to resort to violence" how stupid, how immature. You are not a slave, you are worth much more than you are giving yourself credit for and much stronger than you think. Action, now, so you don't have to take action for the rest of your life.
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #12

    Nov 4, 2007, 10:46 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Stringer
    ...Action, now, so you don't have to take action for the rest of your life.
    IF she lives very long. :(

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